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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by muffled on October 15, 2006, at 19:43:16
Or should I not.
My T would say , 'is it lifegiving?'.
Well mebbe not.
But mebbe it will be.
Maybe it won't.
Maybe it'll calm down the chaos that is building.
Maybe it'll stop the screamer from starting up, I think mebbe she already moaning.
F*ck.
Choices.
I could do nothing and writhe in my own insanity.
I could do something, but be at risk. But then CALM. Ahhhhhhhhhhh.
Little concerned about level.
I dunno.
I dunno what to do.
There's confusion.
T is out. She dead to me on weekends.
Well,
Guess we'll see.
Posted by sunnydays on October 15, 2006, at 19:53:33
In reply to SHOULD I?, posted by muffled on October 15, 2006, at 19:43:16
Can you go to the cave muffled? That would be doing something, and it would be safe? I know you've said screamer is really hard for you to deal with. But please don't do anything that would hurt our dear sweet muffly. But I know that urgent feeling. Breathe in and out and try to stay calm without doing anything to hurt yourself. Good luck muffled.
((((((((((((muffled)))))))))))))))))
sunnydays
Posted by TherapyGirl on October 15, 2006, at 21:20:38
In reply to SHOULD I?, posted by muffled on October 15, 2006, at 19:43:16
Are there any other choices? I hate to think of you in pain, either way. Deep breathing? Meditation? Distraction?
I'm sorry it's so hard right now, Muffled.
(((((((Muffled)))))))
Posted by muffled on October 15, 2006, at 21:53:42
In reply to Re: SHOULD I? » muffled, posted by TherapyGirl on October 15, 2006, at 21:20:38
HA. Thanks guys. Sorry I PWS (posting while stoned! LOL)
Thing of it is I trying to DEAL with this inside kid but I not being nice I bailing oin her.
I usu re read my journal lots, to see who I am.
But she been writing stuff.
She so intense.
Dunno why.
Don't like reading her stuff.
But how to learn bout her?
F*ck it I avoiding.
I denying.
Sh*ts building up.
Boom, volcano will blow if I don't watch it.
I wanna drink SO f*cking bad.
I a good 10 years dry.
I drink I will lose my kids.
Why I suck a f*cking loser freak????
Its all me.
Noboody hurt me but me.
I hurt me.
I an idiot.
No excuses.
Sorry I a downer, but in btwn I laUGHING AND DANCING CUZ REALLY WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO IT, stupid caps lock, anyways when it comes down to it....................................................................I am seriously.........................................................................majorly.............................f*cking well.......................................STONED................LOL!!!!.....................and I gonna be more stoned...................ROFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Silly silly Muffly :-)
Posted by muffled on October 15, 2006, at 22:18:22
In reply to HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!, posted by muffled on October 15, 2006, at 21:53:42
she thinks she gross.
she want too peel her skin, to get the taint off.
she SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo scared of evil.
she WON"T talk of evil.
sometimes she feel so bad, at certain times, she feels like she drowning, she won't make it to the top...
maggots are crawling over her,
she all over the place, happy, sad, crazy kid.
Somewhere, somewhere,
there's the rage.........................
and she scared of that too.
Damn kid..............
WHY SHE SUCH A F*CK UP???????????????????// WHY?
She just so little.
So intense.
Reaching out but hiding at the same time.
I dunno if the rage is hers. But she knows its there.
Damn kid.
Dunno why?
We had a great kidhood.
Don't remember much, but from what I hear it was pretty good.
Stupid kid.
I GOTTA deal w/her.
T knows bout her.
Numb. I wanto be comfortably numb.
Sh*t.
Sorry.
Muffled
Posted by ElaineM on October 15, 2006, at 22:55:39
In reply to this i. kid ****trigger*** » muffled, posted by muffled on October 15, 2006, at 22:18:22
(((Muff))) please be safe.
I wish I had smart words to help, and to calm her.
Can T help bring down the intensity? Does that help?take gentle care, EL
Posted by alexandra_k on October 15, 2006, at 23:38:28
In reply to this i. kid ****trigger*** » muffled, posted by muffled on October 15, 2006, at 22:18:22
> WHY SHE SUCH A F*CK UP???????????????????// WHY?
because you didn't get the care you needed when you were little.
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 16, 2006, at 8:52:04
In reply to Re: this i. kid ****trigger*** » muffled, posted by alexandra_k on October 15, 2006, at 23:38:28
Hi Muffled,
I'm sorry I didn't see this thread yesterday. I guess I went to bed earlyish.Can you scream you lungs out into a pillow?
Can you release the steam in a healthy way- like running around as fast as you can?
Can you "Self-Injure" using an ice cube instead of something that will cause permanent damage?
Can you sit down, find a nice marker (black and chunky for your screamer, delicate and pastel for your other voices, etc) and write out a little dialogue between them? It's like journaling, but you can have your inner folks be penpals, instead of yelling and whining to each other in your head. Get it on paper. it might help.
PWS- is that a typical thing? do you notice that stoned is more likely to lead to some kind of flareup in the busy-ness in your mind? More likely to have you thinking confused things? Does it give you cravings for alcohol? Please no alcohol- 10 years is such an achievement. And your little ones are such a very important reason to remember your commitment to pouring the liquor down the sink.
hope you're around some today, feeling better.
(((((((((((((((((((((Mufflie's grumpy one))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((Mufflie's confused ones)))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((loveable Mufflie (the whole mufflie)))))))))))))
-Lindenblüte
Posted by muffled on October 16, 2006, at 11:36:13
In reply to Re: this i. kid ****trigger***, posted by Lindenblüte on October 16, 2006, at 8:52:04
Thanks so much for your posts.
I was trying to distract myself until I was stoned enough. Cuz if I enough, then I won't SI.
And it worked.
But stone screws me up too.
Next day I all weirded out.
Gives me the sh*ts.
All in all not so good.
But it got me thru last night...
So I guess i achieved what I wanted??????????????
Thanks guys, you helped me.
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by muffled on October 16, 2006, at 11:38:57
In reply to Re: this i. kid ****trigger*** » muffled, posted by alexandra_k on October 15, 2006, at 23:38:28
> > WHY SHE SUCH A F*CK UP???????????????????// WHY?
>
> because you didn't get the care you needed when you were little.
>
>
>***Oooopsy. That almost triggered off a nasty one. But I showed restraint! I AM improving. Gaining control.
Sort of a sore spot w/me, or some part of me anyways.
Thanks Alex.
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by muffled on October 16, 2006, at 11:56:53
In reply to Re: this i. kid ****trigger***, posted by Lindenblüte on October 16, 2006, at 8:52:04
> Can you scream you lungs out into a pillow?
***Too overt, unless I am outside and anonymous.
>
> Can you release the steam in a healthy way- like running around as fast as you can?***LOL!!!I was dancing and bouncing all over LOL!!! Dunno what was in that sh*t!!! LOL!
>
> Can you "Self-Injure" using an ice cube instead of something that will cause permanent damage?***Sometimes I need to see the blood. But I didn't SI. If I stoned enuf, I don't.
>
> Can you sit down, find a nice marker (black and chunky for your screamer, delicate and pastel for your other voices, etc) and write out a little dialogue between them? It's like journaling, but you can have your inner folks be penpals, instead of yelling and whining to each other in your head. Get it on paper. it might help.***I type stuff out on my computer. But that i.kid been writing some stuff I don't like. And usu. I read my journal lots cuz it helps me to remember who I am. But lately its just been weird reading it and I getting bothered by that.
So now I getting confused.
>
> PWS- is that a typical thing? do you notice that stoned is more likely to lead to some kind of flareup in the busy-ness in your mind? More likely to have you thinking confused things? Does it give you cravings for alcohol? Please no alcohol- 10 years is such an achievement. And your little ones are such a very important reason to remember your commitment to pouring the liquor down the sink.***Yeah, I WON'T drink. To me drinking =suicide.
I rarely get high anymore. Just had to do SOMETHING. And it seemed the most innocuous solution to my problem.
I dunno if I ever pws before? Mebbe early on in my babble life? Really, I proly only been high mebbe 2-3x in last 6 mo.
Getting stoned makes it quiet in my head mostly. Sometimes I get philosophical. Sometimes I get paranoid.
Man last night I was FLYING. Went to bed and rode on the music waves. Seriously tripping. But I OK now. Mostly.
Sh*t anyways.
Till everything starts up again....
See my T on Tues.
But dunno wtf to say?? That i. kid of mine, is SO full of sh*t, and i don't want her to make T think wrong stuff bout me. Though my T is very cautious bout that, which is good. Dunno how I was so lucky w/getting a good T. She not perfect, but she good.>
> hope you're around some today, feeling better.
>
> (((((((((((((((((((((Mufflie's grumpy one))))))))))))))))
>
> ((((((((((((((Mufflie's confused ones)))))))))))))))))
>
> ((((((((((((((loveable Mufflie (the whole mufflie)))))))))))))
>
Yeah, thanks Li. From all.
You kinda made that i.kid mad, LOL! She says she NOT grumpy!!! LOL!
See ya, Take care,
Muffled
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 16, 2006, at 15:36:53
In reply to Re: this i. kid ****trigger*** » Lindenblüte, posted by muffled on October 16, 2006, at 11:56:53
> > Can you release the steam in a healthy way- like running around as fast as you can?
>
> ***LOL!!!I was dancing and bouncing all over LOL!!! Dunno what was in that sh*t!!! LOL!Awesome! and I bet you burned some calories too!
> >
> > Can you "Self-Injure" using an ice cube instead of something that will cause permanent damage?
>
> ***Sometimes I need to see the blood. But I didn't SI. If I stoned enuf, I don't.I see. you are self-medicating, but only in extreme circumstances.
> >
\
> ***I type stuff out on my computer. But that i.kid been writing some stuff I don't like. And usu. I read my journal lots cuz it helps me to remember who I am. But lately its just been weird reading it and I getting bothered by that.
> So now I getting confused.I have a journal entry that I keep in my desk at school. It is in 6 colors. Me trying to make sense of my mind at the height of my depression. (6 months ago) I vaguely remember some of the things I was writing. I remember that the more I was writing, the more agitated I was getting. The more I realized just how desparate I was to end my existence. The more I realized that I wasn't really going to hang on much longer. The more sh*t I wanted to spill, and there wasn't enough paper and ink in the world for me to get it out, and reading it was making me feel nauseous. I sent my T a very disturbed e-mail (this was after about 2 or 3 pleasant, chatty "getting to know you, I've never been in therapy before" sessions. Poor oldT he must have been so confused. I keep that journal entry. It's stapled shut, though. I know when I'm well, because I will be able to open it up and it won't make me feel physically or mentally ill.
> >
> > PWS- is that a typical thing? do you notice that stoned is more likely to lead to some kind of flareup in the busy-ness in your mind? More likely to have you thinking confused things? Does it give you cravings for alcohol? Please no alcohol- 10 years is such an achievement. And your little ones are such a very important reason to remember your commitment to pouring the liquor down the sink.
>
> ***Yeah, I WON'T drink. To me drinking =suicide.
> I rarely get high anymore. Just had to do SOMETHING. And it seemed the most innocuous solution to my problem.
> I dunno if I ever pws before? Mebbe early on in my babble life? Really, I proly only been high mebbe 2-3x in last 6 mo.
> Getting stoned makes it quiet in my head mostly. Sometimes I get philosophical. Sometimes I get paranoid.I think once on babblechat you were a little stoned, maybe sometime in the last 6 weeks. I just didn't know how frequent this was for you. Marijuana acts as a CNS depressant. It does "quiet" down your mind. There are other (legal) drugs that will do that too, and they won't mess up your lungs or give you the munchies, and the dose is controlled. (plus you won't smell like MJ!). For me, the seroquel (even at the small doses) worked well on the kind of repetitive thoughts of guilt and shame. For the anxious-gotta-get-up-and-do-hurt-something-SI-anxiety
That's what the benzodiazepine is for. It works pretty damn well. If I notice myself instinctively picking or reaching for one of my favorite implements, and I know that I cannot control myself-- that no matter how much I tell myself that I DONT WANT TO DO THIS!!!!! !@#*$!^#*@# SCREAMING IN MY HEAD NOT TO HURT ME !*#$&@#%*@#&$ well, that's what the "take up to 3 tablets daily" instructions are for. It works. (klonopin). it slows down that part of my mind that is on autopilot to self-injure. Haven't had any anxiety attacks in a while either. but I'm super stressed out today. it's bad. I may end up taking one later on if I notice that my anxiety is no longer being used productively and has turned to the DaRkSiDe of self-destruction.> Man last night I was FLYING. Went to bed and rode on the music waves. Seriously tripping. But I OK now. Mostly.
good. ((((((((Muffled)))))))
> Sh*t anyways.
> Till everything starts up again....
> See my T on Tues.
> But dunno wtf to say?? That i. kid of mine, is SO full of sh*t, and i don't want her to make T think wrong stuff bout me. Though my T is very cautious bout that, which is good. Dunno how I was so lucky w/getting a good T. She not perfect, but she good.You're very lucky, and you deserve every bit of her skill, caring, and competence. :)
>
> >
> > hope you're around some today, feeling better.
> >
> > (((((((((((((((((((((Mufflie's grumpy one))))))))))))))))
> >
> > ((((((((((((((Mufflie's confused ones)))))))))))))))))
> >
> > ((((((((((((((loveable Mufflie (the whole mufflie)))))))))))))
> >
> Yeah, thanks Li. From all.
> You kinda made that i.kid mad, LOL! She says she NOT grumpy!!! LOL!
> See ya, Take care,
> Muffled
please tell all your i. children, and any other creatures that you identify with that I'm really bad with names and faces. That I mean no disrespect. Tell them that if I mess up their names or their character traits, they can tell me to go to hell or whatever. That's fine with me, just don't write it on babble, 'cause you might get Muffled blocked!(((((((((((((inclusiveMuffled)))))))))))))
-Li
Posted by muffled on October 16, 2006, at 22:24:35
In reply to Re: this i. kid ****trigger*** » muffled, posted by Lindenblüte on October 16, 2006, at 15:36:53
> > ***Sometimes I need to see the blood. But I didn't SI. If I stoned enuf, I don't.
>
> I see. you are self-medicating, but only in extreme circumstances.*LOL!!!! You sound like a T !!!! ;-)
> I have a journal entry that I keep in my desk at school. It is in 6 colors. Me trying to make sense of my mind at the height of my depression. (6 months ago) I vaguely remember some of the things I was writing. I remember that the more I was writing, the more agitated I was getting. The more I realized just how desparate I was to end my existence. The more I realized that I wasn't really going to hang on much longer. The more sh*t I wanted to spill, and there wasn't enough paper and ink in the world for me to get it out, and reading it was making me feel nauseous. I sent my T a very disturbed e-mail (this was after about 2 or 3 pleasant, chatty "getting to know you, I've never been in therapy before" sessions. Poor oldT he must have been so confused. I keep that journal entry. It's stapled shut, though. I know when I'm well, because I will be able to open it up and it won't make me feel physically or mentally ill.
****I had a thing like that years ago. I burned it. It was so awful. I don't rememeber what it said, just remember it was AWFUL some way. And I NEVER EVER wanted ANYONE to read it ever cuz it was so bad. I burned it. I burned it and I glad I did. There's no point ion keeping ugly sh*t around I don't think. Why remmeber?
> I think once on babblechat you were a little stoned, maybe sometime in the last 6 weeks. I just didn't know how frequent this was for you. Marijuana acts as a CNS depressant. It does "quiet" down your mind. There are other (legal) drugs that will do that too, and they won't mess up your lungs or give you the munchies, and the dose is controlled. (plus you won't smell like MJ!).**LOL! This was medical MJ cookie that someone kindly shared with me! No stinky!
For me, the seroquel (even at the small doses) worked well on the kind of repetitive thoughts of guilt and shame. For the anxious-gotta-get-up-and-do-hurt-something-SI-anxiety
**I am less anxious now. I been on seroquel. It was ok I guess. I could think more clearly. But aftedr awhile it just made me feel weird. But thats proly all in my head. I hate meds.
> That's what the benzodiazepine is for. It works pretty damn well. It works. (klonopin). it slows down that part of my mind that is on autopilot to self-injure. Haven't had any anxiety attacks in a while either. but I'm super stressed out today. it's bad. I may end up taking one later on if I notice that my anxiety is no longer being used productively and has turned to the DaRkSiDe of self-destruction.
***Yeah I done klonopin too. For anxiety. I like xanax for some reason. Just use it if I having big anxiety.
Thanks for hugs :-)
but she good.
>
> You're very lucky, and you deserve every bit of her skill, caring, and competence. :)**Yeah, I dam lucky all right.
> please tell all your i. children, and any other creatures that you identify with that I'm really bad with names and faces. That I mean no disrespect. Tell them that if I mess up their names or their character traits, they can tell me to go to hell or whatever. That's fine with me, just don't write it on babble, 'cause you might get Muffled blocked!
>
> (((((((((((((inclusiveMuffled)))))))))))))
>
> -Li***LOL!!! Luv ya Li!!!
Ha! Kids just fine. Its just so funny how sometimes when she feels like it , she can be SO clear on stuff. Wish she would be more often...
Oh well.
Thanks!
Hope its doing a better day for you today.
Take care Li,
Muffled
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