Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 694485

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annierose, i 'took' you to therapy with me...

Posted by bent on October 13, 2006, at 12:29:31

And I hope that is ok with you. I brought you along in my thoughts because of two posts that stuck with me in a good way. One post was about trying to tell my T about the anger I was feeling towards her and the other was regarding your not-so-great session last week. This was the post where you told your T she felt a hundred miles away.

I was impressed and motivated by that. I thought of the many times I have felt like saying that, or something like it, but I don’t. I just eat it and it stays inside of me where, most of us know, it only becomes larger. So I thought, if you can speak your feelings so directly to your T, I can too! In fact, so many people who post here seem so brave to me when they can be so vulnerable.

So, naturally with 10 minutes left in the session :-) I started telling my T how it’s been hard for me to talk for a few weeks now. How I feel this underlying anger. I told her that I didn’t understand how I could leave my sessions and feel like I miss something but not be sure if its her, or me, or something else. I told her that we keep talking about our relationship and we keep calling it a ‘relationship’ but it’s generic. I told her that I chose therapy. It was something I volunteered to do. I told her doing therapy is her job, that she’s there everyday. Then, in perhaps the angriest tone I have ever used with her-which isn’t very angry!- I said, “At the end of 50 minutes what do you care how I feel or how hard this is for me?” I finished my little monologue by saying that I wish I could just leave but something doesn’t let me.

My T was receptive, perhaps surprised. But her main focus ticked me off. She said that she could tell I was angry at our relationship. At the unequal, one-way, lopsidedness of it. And that in it self was ok and to be expected because this is unlike any other relationship there is. Blah, blah, blah. Do you know how many times she has told me about the one-sided relationship? I don’t want to hear it again! I don’t care about that. I am not asking her to hold my hand or be my friend. I don’t want that!
I just want to know if she cares. I just want to know that I don’t cease to exist the minute I leave. I know she can only move within the boundaries of a therapist but I don’t think I want anything more.

But I have never asked her - Just flat out asked if she cares about me. I feel stupid even thinking about asking. But I build up all this anger towards her and I try to think up all the reason why I am just a total nothing to her, yet I wont ask her that simple question that would probably put my mind at ease. I want her to tell me. Why do I have to ask? Maybe she already knows this. Maybe she knows I ‘need’ to ask. And she won’t say anything until I do. She’s all about my asking for what I need and not just waiting to receive it.

Our session was ending and didn’t allow much time to dissect this. My T did comment on how I was trying to reduce our relationship and that if I was feeling it’s generic then something is wrong and we have to fix it. She mentioned the transference (arrr) and she asked me if this anger was more child-like than adult. I didn’t know. She mentioned that we had been through this before too. Her main question was why now? Why was this becoming an issue again now? Again, I don’t know. Our time was up but she said she wanted to give me a minute to say something. It’s those little things that make me think she does care. Now if I can just get her to say it...

 

Re: annierose, i 'took' you to therapy with me... » bent

Posted by TherapyGirl on October 13, 2006, at 16:32:00

In reply to annierose, i 'took' you to therapy with me..., posted by bent on October 13, 2006, at 12:29:31

Yeah, my T is big on me asking for what I need, too. She generally does what she can to make it easier, though. Like when I want her to sit on the couch with me and hold me, she lets me ask if she'll come sit beside me. I don't actually have to say, "Will you hold me?" That would be *way* too hard.

So I'm wondering if you make an attempt to ask her, if she'll make it easier for you? Maybe you feel like you've already tried that. If so, maybe you could talk about asking for what you need in the context of her letting you off the hook for some part of it. I may not be making any sense. I might try this again later. I'm working on a monster migraine right now.

(((((((Bent))))))))

 

Re: annierose, i 'took' you to therapy with me... » bent

Posted by mair on October 13, 2006, at 17:57:26

In reply to annierose, i 'took' you to therapy with me..., posted by bent on October 13, 2006, at 12:29:31

I could feel your anger just reading your post.

My T and I spend a reasonable amount of time talking about "our" relationship mainly because I'm so reluctant to talk about any other relationships in any detail. She claims it's her job to give me what I need but it's very difficult to communicate that and honestly, most of the time I don't know what I want from her. When I have been able to let her know that I am annoyed (I rarely would couch it as anger) with her, she's been pretty good about helping me work through it. And mostly that means helping me figure out what she can do to make things work a little better.

I think Ts must have their antennae constantly out for infatuated patients, because I think they are a little quick to decide that we're frustrated with the limited nature of the relationship. But I'm with you - sometimes I am frustrated with the parameters of the relationship, but most of the time, I really don't want a different kind of relationship with her, I want a better relationship with her.

The other issue is how we can communicate a neediness and insecurity that I find shaming. I wrote about this in Tamar's thread. I need a mindreader, I think.

BTW - if I didn't speak up about things in the last 5 minutes of a session, difficult topics might never be aired. The key is really how she addresses this when you see her again.

Let us know how it goes.

mair

 

Re: annierose, i 'took' you to therapy with me... » bent

Posted by Daisym on October 13, 2006, at 17:59:34

In reply to annierose, i 'took' you to therapy with me..., posted by bent on October 13, 2006, at 12:29:31

I don't remember how long you've been working with your therapist, but it has been awhile, right? I think these things service periodically as we get deeper and deeper into our earlier issues.

And yes, I'm sure she wants you to ask directly, "do you care about me?" Why do all therapists have this!!? (I've decided there is a manual somewhere that has these phrases in it.) In my own therapy, we've been talking a lot over the past 6 months about how important it is that my therapist holds me in his mind when I'm not with him. This is a developmental concept that Winnicott and Bowlby talked a lot about - being "held" by a caretaker who is allowing your attachment. When this isn't happening, or you don't know it is happening, it does make you feel like just another client.

What might help is to think back to a time when she said, "I thought of you when..." or something like that. Or when she reminds you of what you said in a prior session -- she has held you in her mind. Since we started talking about this, my therapist is making a point to tell me when he thinks about me, or to bring it forward in some way.


And as to the "why now?" question...I often wonder if I go back to railing against the boundaries of the relationship when I'm avoiding something else. But my experience is actually that I need to reaffirm to myself that he is steady and does care, before I dive a little deeper. Inevitably after a few very hard sessions like the one you are describing, I let something else out.

I hope you can pick up the thread next time and talk more about this. My therapist says, "can we pretend it is the last 10 minutes of the session and talk about the hard thing now?" Sometimes that works! :)

 

Re: annierose, i 'took' you to therapy with me... » Daisym

Posted by TherapyGirl on October 13, 2006, at 20:56:55

In reply to Re: annierose, i 'took' you to therapy with me... » bent, posted by Daisym on October 13, 2006, at 17:59:34

Daisy, I chuckled when I read what you wrote about your T suggesting you pretend it's the last 10 minutes of the session. In my early years with my T, I couldn't even pull that off. Invariably, I would call her between sessions to discuss the hard things (and let me just say ALL of it was hard back then). One night, as we sat there in silence yet again, she looked at me and said, "If I pick the phone up, will it be easier?"

Lord, what would we do without these small bits of humor? Thanks for giving me a chuckle when I badly needed it.

Now back to your thread, Bent...

 

Re: annierose, i 'took' you to therapy with me... » bent

Posted by annierose on October 13, 2006, at 21:32:49

In reply to annierose, i 'took' you to therapy with me..., posted by bent on October 13, 2006, at 12:29:31

I feel honored. I have brought babblers in my therapy session as well.

Knowing that you matter is important. I have asked my t directly and indirectly that question many times. Yes, she tells me she cares about me. She tells me I matter. She tells me that she does hold me in her mind and heart when we are not together --- BUT --- a there is a little voice inside my head that says, "don't believe her for a second". Then another voice says, "I think you can, I think she is kind and smart and means what she says."

My T says I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop and I search for any mis-step she might make -- a word whose meaning I don't like, a tone I find unpleasant, etc. etc. My point, even if your t does tell you she cares (and deep in your heart you must know she does) that feeling that just maybe she doesn't might still linger.

Therapy is hard. I think you should continue to bring this subject up. Sometimes I'll start a session, "I wasn't finished talking about what we were discussing last time." If she asks, "Why now?" say, "Why not? Coming here opening up my emotional life is hard. I need to know the person receiving this cares about me."

I am so glad my posts were able to inspire you in some way. That is what makes babble a wonderful community of learning and sharing. You helped make my day in return.


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