Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 693465

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Re: b » Lindenblüte

Posted by alexandra_k on October 12, 2006, at 5:18:44

In reply to Re: b » alexandra_k, posted by Lindenblüte on October 11, 2006, at 9:00:42

Hey. I'm sorry I didn't reply to your post, I can't figure what happened there... I haven't ever had anything to do with kids. Don't know anyone with kids or anything. Don't really know what to do with them...

Fish are kinda cool. Watching fish.

Good luck with your stats.

 

I messed up so bad

Posted by alexandra_k on October 12, 2006, at 6:12:21

In reply to Re: b » Lindenblüte, posted by alexandra_k on October 12, 2006, at 5:18:44

missed time
woke up down the hall...
got a towel got to my room
got some clothes and went to see my t
flashes
i messed up
i messed up real bad
saw my t
told her
scared about missing time
feel numb
things pass in waves
flashes
saw guy from CAT
morning after over the counter
need to call them tomorrow and tell them
i'm okay.
haven't seen him yet
what to say?
other people know
guys are going 'hey' in a way...
they know
they think i'm a slut
maybe i am.
i cringe from myself.
need to talk to him
and say what?
please don't tell anyone?
they know already.
not all of them...
yet
but it is just a matter of time
x has gone away for a few months
he liked me
i wasn't interested
but he will hear about this and be hurt
it is about
intimacy with no intimacy
i hate myself
i want to move out
but i can't
i want to die
but i can't
what happened?
why am i on self destruct?
i don't have anyone i can talk to...
i'm so sorry

 

Re: I messed up so bad

Posted by alexandra_k on October 12, 2006, at 6:19:23

In reply to I messed up so bad, posted by alexandra_k on October 12, 2006, at 6:12:21

and i do this. self destruct every now and then. why did i do it? i wanted to feel loved for a while. i didn't want to be alone. and i understand that. i understand the rules of the game. but now i feel ashamed. dirty. aching all over. don't sh*t in your nest. that is good advice. but i've broken that. and word... will get around. self destruct. that has to be it. no other explanation. i'm going to feel dirty every time they look at me like they are looking at me now. it will blow over, won't it? but first... word will get around. i think i've done something... irrevokable. but then... it always feels this way. but then when it feels that way... oftentimes... it is.

 

Re: I messed up so bad

Posted by alexandra_k on October 12, 2006, at 6:21:04

In reply to Re: I messed up so bad, posted by alexandra_k on October 12, 2006, at 6:19:23

all this so i didn't have to talk to my t?
is that what this is about?

i'm going to curl up in a little ball now
and try and will myself out of existence

i shouldn't live on campus
it is bad for me...
the blending of home and work
the inability to avoid
word will get out
i feel sick

 

Re: I messed up so bad » alexandra_k

Posted by Dinah on October 12, 2006, at 8:23:29

In reply to I messed up so bad, posted by alexandra_k on October 12, 2006, at 6:12:21

I'm not underestimating how horrible it feels to have done something embarassing. Heaven knows how many times I've done it.

But reputations are repairable. People have enormously short memories, and are wrapped up with themselves and their own lives (which is not only fair enough, but wonderfully convenient at times). It's astonishing how fast things *can* blow over.

You do have someone to talk to, you know. I'm not a therapist, but you can contact me. And I do care about you, ever so much, Alex.

And there are many at Babble who feel the same.

We aren't substitutes for licensed professionals. But empathy and caring we have for you.

 

Re: I messed up so bad » Dinah

Posted by alexandra_k on October 12, 2006, at 8:42:40

In reply to Re: I messed up so bad » alexandra_k, posted by Dinah on October 12, 2006, at 8:23:29

((((dinah))))

 

messed up » muffled

Posted by alexandra_k on October 12, 2006, at 8:43:30

In reply to Re: b » alexandra_k, posted by muffled on October 11, 2006, at 21:51:27

((((muffled))))

 

messed up » littleone

Posted by alexandra_k on October 12, 2006, at 8:49:18

In reply to Re: b » alexandra_k, posted by littleone on October 11, 2006, at 16:02:27

((((((littleone))))))

my t was really good about this. really nice. i curled up on her couch and kind of drifted for a few hours waiting for CAT. listening to her tap tap tapping away on her keyboard. kinda soothing...

CAT guy gave me the name of a p-doc lady who bulk bills. i'll phone her tomorrow.

i need to get some more valium at some point. just a little teeny tiny bit more...

 

Re: messed up » alexandra_k

Posted by Lindenblüte on October 12, 2006, at 9:20:23

In reply to messed up » littleone, posted by alexandra_k on October 12, 2006, at 8:49:18

(((((Alex)))))

My best friend in college (that's like the first 4 years of Uni) was frequently engaged in self-destructive behaviors. She would hook up with guys, spend a thousand dollars on fancy clothes, get wasted, etc etc. We were roommates for 2 years. I love her dearly. I knew that her destructive behavior came from a place that wasn't healthy. I also knew that she was an incredibly wonderful person. She had her "crises" on a very regular basis, and it was hard watching her do this, but many times she saved me from having my own melt-downs. She was warm, and intelligent, and vivacious, and had this certain je ne sais quoi....

I wish I could have taken away all of her insecurities. I wish I could have taken away all of her sadness and hurt that made her do these things. Finally, senior year, it was hurting ME so badly to see her start dabbling in hard-core drugs that I went to see a counselor. I realized that my friend's behavior had finally tipped the point where she was hurting me too much. Well, I organized an intervention to help my friend. We told her how much we loved her, and that we wanted to be there for her forever, and that she didn't need to run away from our caring, because she was afraid she didn't deserve it. She graduated, got married, got out of the drug scene, and is doing a lot better these days.

My point in telling you this story, Alex, is that you are NOT alone. Lots of young women do things that they regret-- things that are an expression of pain that they cannot communicate or share to anyone else. I don't know what your particular issues are, but if you are insecure about your body, or how loveable you are, how smart you are, or whatever--- well, those concerns are far more common than anyone will ever tell you.

Remember that you are out of your element a little bit. You may be feeling homesick, ungrounded. You didn't do permanent damage, I don't think. Many of the women who will look at you judgementally are either jealous, or they are ashamed, because they have done or wanted to do the thing that you did. It's a lot easier to condemn another's behavior than one's own.

Alex, you know that you are a very special person. You may be right- you're too immersed in the campus life. Try to get away whenever the chance arises. For me, when I was living on campus, I would take the train to downtown and study in a public library, or I would go to a new coffee shop every morning for a week.

Spring is coming. Is it a good time to start exploring the city parks?

Please stay in touch with your T and your substitute T. they can help you get through this crisis.

I'm so sorry you're struggling. You know, I would never judge you if you wanted to share something personal. You don't have to be alone and strong. You can tell us some of your stuff. I've done bad things too.

Sending you extra gentle hugs-- what kinds of things do you do for comfort? read? movies? chocolate? ice cream? nap? shop? art?

love,
-Li

 

Re: its ok

Posted by muffled on October 12, 2006, at 12:55:11

In reply to Re: messed up » alexandra_k, posted by Lindenblüte on October 12, 2006, at 9:20:23

(((((((((((((Alex))))))))))))))
Sorry you scared.
I get scared lots.
But it'll be ok again.
Sometimes its real bad, but then its not so bad awhile.
You can come to my cave, or I have a mansion now.
Underneath the f*ckedupness, there's a beauful Alex waiting to fly. Just like me. I gonna fly. I gonna not be f*cked up forever.
((((((((((((Alex))))))))))))))
Just wish I could sit with you in a park and watch the birds and tell the rest of the world to f*ck off.
Muffled

 

Re: its ok

Posted by Gee on October 12, 2006, at 13:16:51

In reply to Re: its ok, posted by muffled on October 12, 2006, at 12:55:11

(((Alex)))
Don't be too hard on yourself. It probably feels horrible right now, but I hope it will get better. You are such an incredible person, and I'm so sorry you're suffering so much right now.

 

Things will work out » alexandra_k

Posted by littleone on October 12, 2006, at 21:57:13

In reply to I messed up so bad, posted by alexandra_k on October 12, 2006, at 6:12:21

Hey alex,

I can hear all the shame and pain and regret in your post. I'm sorry you're feeling badly. You know what? I would still be more than happy, overjoyed, if we could sit in the flowers together.

This doesn't at all change what I think about you. You're still the same person. You still have the same wonderful qualities that I can see but that maybe you have some trouble seeing. You think you made a bad decision (even if the decision itself is lost to you in your lost time). Every single one of us makes bad decisions at times. It doesn't make us a bad person.

Try not to beat yourself up too badly. Doing that does not improve things for you, just makes things harder for you.

I know this may sound really strange and probably even inappropriate (I don't mean it to sound minimising), but I really do mean it so sincerely.

When I read your posts, I felt so proud of you.

1. You could see how your behaviour was linked to the situation with your t.
2. You could see the intimacy connections too.
3. You allowed yourself to feel safe in your T's office/area.
4. You were able to feel soothed in that area, close to your T.
5. You had a good positive experience with your T. She didn't let you down, discard you, treat you with disgust, etc (as you may have deeply secretly feared).

There are some really positive things in here alex.

There's a line I really like in Batman Begins that says:

"Why do we fall down? So that we can learn to pick ourselves up again."

It helps me remember that we *will* go backwards or fall down. But that we can learn ways to avoid those holes. Things *do* improve if we just keep on trying.

-----*

This is me holding my hand out to you to help you up again.

Things will work out alex. I think you did real good.

 

((((((((((Alex))))))))))

Posted by damos on October 12, 2006, at 23:18:39

In reply to I messed up so bad, posted by alexandra_k on October 12, 2006, at 6:12:21

I'm sorry you're hurting and scared, and would do anything to make the bad feelings go away.

Please know how much you are loved and cared about by so many of us, and how very much you mean to us.

Puppy asked if she could come and give you special puppy cuddles and sloppy dog kisses. She reckons they can pretty much make anything feel better.

You are stronger, braver and more courageous than I could ever be and it makes me very proud that you are my friend.

Sorry if my caring hurts more than it helps.

Gentle hugs from me too if that's okay.

(((Alex)))

 

Re: messed up » Lindenblüte

Posted by alexandra_k on October 13, 2006, at 0:02:10

In reply to Re: messed up » alexandra_k, posted by Lindenblüte on October 12, 2006, at 9:20:23

((((ll)))))

i'm not sure what to say... i've been taking it easy today... got some treats... had bacon and eggs for lunch :-) don't do that very often... had a couple of yummy chocolates too :-)

just trying to take it easy and being gentle.

thank you.


 

Re: its ok » muffled

Posted by alexandra_k on October 13, 2006, at 0:24:44

In reply to Re: its ok, posted by muffled on October 12, 2006, at 12:55:11

(((((((muffled)))))))
I'm feeling a bit better today.
Which is good. I was feeling pretty bad yesterday...

> Just wish I could sit with you in a park and watch the birds and tell the rest of the world to f*ck off.

Yeah, that would be good. We could walk down to the lake and find somewhere nice to sit...

http://www.vancn.com/travel/UploadFiles_7068/200507/2005777138924.jpg

 

Re: its ok » Gee

Posted by alexandra_k on October 13, 2006, at 0:25:27

In reply to Re: its ok, posted by Gee on October 12, 2006, at 13:16:51

thanks gee.

((((Gee))))

 

Re: Things will work out » littleone

Posted by alexandra_k on October 13, 2006, at 0:28:47

In reply to Things will work out » alexandra_k, posted by littleone on October 12, 2006, at 21:57:13

hey littleone.
you can come sit by the lake with me and muffled if you like.
i don't know if there are flowers...
otherwise we can come visit you.

> Try not to beat yourself up too badly. Doing that does not improve things for you, just makes things harder for you.

yeah. i know... i just... worry about this. haven't lost time like that since i arrived. thought... it had stopped. sometimes i get to thinking... that i was imagining things. that this never really happened to me. that i was making up stories or something. then something like this happens and i realise that it hasn't been dealt with yet. freaks me out a little...

> You allowed yourself to feel safe in your T's office/area.
> 4. You were able to feel soothed in that area, close to your T.
> 5. You had a good positive experience with your T. She didn't let you down, discard you, treat you with disgust, etc (as you may have deeply secretly feared).

yeah. i guess i did :-)

> It helps me remember that we *will* go backwards or fall down. But that we can learn ways to avoid those holes. Things *do* improve if we just keep on trying.

thank you. i'm trying... yeah.

 

Re: ((((((((((Damos)))))))))) » damos

Posted by alexandra_k on October 13, 2006, at 0:29:44

In reply to ((((((((((Alex)))))))))), posted by damos on October 12, 2006, at 23:18:39

((((((Damos)))))) it is good to see you here.

> Puppy asked if she could come and give you special puppy cuddles and sloppy dog kisses. She reckons they can pretty much make anything feel better.

:-)

 

... i got a referral, though...

Posted by alexandra_k on October 13, 2006, at 0:36:50

In reply to Re: ((((((((((Damos)))))))))) » damos, posted by alexandra_k on October 13, 2006, at 0:29:44

from the CAT guy. i was talking to him a little... and he gave me the name of a p-doc who does therapy and medication. he said that she is really good and sees people with DID. that she bulk bills too.

i phoned her up. she told me off lol. she said that i shouldn't ring people and say that i'd been given her number and does she bulk bill? sounds like there are shortages of therapists and doctors and psychiatrists here similarly to how there are shortages of dentists and gardeners and hairdressers and thus people can pick and choose. she said that if that is about the first question she is likely to say 'no sorry' and that is that. i explained a little more though... about how in the last year the policy changed on kiwis being eligable for aussie healthcare and about how because we aren't properly international we are kind of slip through the cracks... and she saw what i was saying and said 'yeah i do bulk bill for situations like that'. she is full up. i said i got referred by xxx because i told him i had a dx of DID. she said 'yeah, that is typically why he refers people onto me...' she gave me the name of another p-doc who does similar. works through the hospital, though, she said that could be better for me if i ever do need hospitalisation... i'm supposed to try phoning while he is on the ward on Monday. she said she did her training with him so he is used to treating this kind of stuff. i'm a little scared about getting my hopes up... but we shall see... be good to have a med review and get some more valium at any rate...

 

Re: ... i got a referral, though... » alexandra_k

Posted by Lindenblüte on October 13, 2006, at 12:56:22

In reply to ... i got a referral, though..., posted by alexandra_k on October 13, 2006, at 0:36:50

Hi Alex,
Gosh, that sounds like a really difficult phone conversation. I'm really impressed that you were able to get some useful info out of that woman. I probably would have just hung up on her or done my little "ear-closing" trick.

Do you know that you have DID, or is this something that you are still exploring? I'm just wondering because my T says stuff to me about how I "dissociated" this and "dissociated" that. About how I have different selves and different identities and some are quite immature, and others are too strong.

I'm really really impressed that you are taking so many positive steps to get yourself some good care. It sounds like you're going through a really rough patch right now. I hope that you have a friend in real life that can keep you company on your hard days and make you laugh on your happy days. If not- well, just come babblechat with me. I can switch from dejection to mirth at the drop of a hat.

I don't think I've ever experienced "lost time" but I often have a hard time remembering things that happened even a few days prior. I don't know. I should learn more about this dissociation stuff.

I had a session with T yesterday that I think may be relevant. I'll try to write my own post about it though.

you take extra good care of yourself. be gentle, and kind, and get some rest and take the medicines that you think will help, in their appropriate dosages.

your friend,
Li

 

Re: ... i got a referral, though...

Posted by Gee on October 13, 2006, at 12:57:48

In reply to ... i got a referral, though..., posted by alexandra_k on October 13, 2006, at 0:36:50

Hey Alex,

At least she was able to get a couple of referals. I don't understand who or what this CAT man is, but at least he was trying to help. I hope that you get in with this new pdoc.

G

 

Re: ... i got a referral, though... » Lindenblüte

Posted by alexandra_k on October 13, 2006, at 23:38:08

In reply to Re: ... i got a referral, though... » alexandra_k, posted by Lindenblüte on October 13, 2006, at 12:56:22

hey. yeah, i'm not all that sure what to make of the phone conversation. i guess she was trying to help. i felt a bit told off, but then she softened after i explained. oh well, i don't imagine i'll be talking to her again at any rate. i've been dx'd with did. not sure what to make of it at times... sometimes it seems to make the most sense of stuff that goes on for me, othertimes the stuff doesn't seem to happen and i almost convince myself that i was making up stories or something. hard to know. hard to know i guess. people think that dissociation lies along a continuum. not really an all or nothing thing. everyone dissociates to some extent. have you ever driven your car along a familiar route (or walked along a familiar route) and then once you arrive somewhere think 'how on earth did i get here?' because you weren't aware of the journey? that is a form of dissociation that everyone experiences. some people experience it more than others, though, i guess.

> I hope that you have a friend in real life that can keep you company on your hard days and make you laugh on your happy days.

i've been thinking about that... i confided in someone. someone who i trusted. i guess i'm not so good at figuring who is good to trust and who isn't. i trusted him... to keep his mouth shut and not tell everyone. that is the main problem. lots of lovely people here but they talk too much. this guy i trusted... he talked to me about whether i find intimacy hard and stuff and it seemed like he was being supportive and stuff... then he asked if i wanted to be intimate with him.

i shook my head.

:-(

i must have a 'target me' sign on my head. at the time... i felt bad. real bad. i was muttering stuff about how he is a good friend and i wouldn't want to upset that. basically... he thinks i'm a slut now. like he just needs to keep on at me in good humour and i'll come around.

i'm not safe.
i'm not safe.

:-(

 

Re: ... i got a referral, though... » Gee

Posted by alexandra_k on October 13, 2006, at 23:39:20

In reply to Re: ... i got a referral, though..., posted by Gee on October 13, 2006, at 12:57:48

hey.
cat = crisis assessment team
i hope i get to see this guy...
i don't know if i'll get to or not...
but i hope i will...

 

Re: ... i got a referral, though... » alexandra_k

Posted by gardenergirl on October 15, 2006, at 0:02:14

In reply to Re: ... i got a referral, though... » Lindenblüte, posted by alexandra_k on October 13, 2006, at 23:38:08

> hey. yeah, i'm not all that sure what to make of the phone conversation. i guess she was trying to help. i felt a bit told off, but then she softened after i explained.

I agree, it's great that you hung in there and got good info from her. I'm sorry it was so difficult, and I'm not sure why she needed to do that.

> i've been dx'd with did. not sure what to make of it at times... sometimes it seems to make the most sense of stuff that goes on for me, othertimes the stuff doesn't seem to happen and i almost convince myself that i was making up stories or something.

I would imagine that would be very difficult. It reminds me of the "crazy-making" that goes on in alcoholic families, only much more personal and it would seem, more upsetting.

I'm sorry your friend let you down. I would make some comment about men in general here, but it wouldn't be fair. But still, grrrr. You deserve better. I also think that although the outcome was not so great, it is great that you reached out to trust someone. I know that's hard. I hope you feel good about trying, even though he proved to be something of a jerk.

Thinking of you,

gg

 

Re: ... i got a referral, though...

Posted by alexandra_k on October 15, 2006, at 1:12:49

In reply to Re: ... i got a referral, though... » alexandra_k, posted by gardenergirl on October 15, 2006, at 0:02:14

> it's great that you hung in there and got good info from her. I'm sorry it was so difficult, and I'm not sure why she needed to do that.

thanks. i'm not sure either. i think she was being kinda jokey. i kind of... apologised and explained and then she softened. probably i came across as all business like like i was trying to negotiate a cheap rate just because i could or something. i guess i was thinking that i didn't want to waste my time explaining if she didn't bulk bill. but i guess that came across and so she got to thinking 'why should i waste my time on someone who is negotiating $$ straight after introducing herself?' but once i explained about the health care loop she understood where i was coming from. i have to ring the guy tomorrow. bit scared about that. okay... a lot scared. i'll do it though...

> I would imagine that would be very difficult.

yeah. i have a bit of a tendency to swing between 'there is nothing wrong with me' and 'i'm so f*cked up i want to die' too... and when i've been well for a while i forget how hard things can get at times... but then when things aren't going well i have a tendency to forget how good things can be at times... sigh. sometimes it freaks me a little though... just when i think my mental health issues are all in the past and i'm moving on satisfactorily it is like i just crumble from within. just crumble. lose myself completely... so completely...

> I'm sorry your friend let you down.

yeah, me too. he should have known better. actually... i'm very surprised that he didn't know better. maybe he did know better. part of me wonders... if he was playing with me... to see what i would do... still hard to know... still hard to know... but boundaries yeah. i'm surprised though... he is a professor over in med. does stuff with mental health. he has talked to me before... and i've talked about some of my stuff. just a teeny tiny little bit. and he was really great with that. really very terrific. i thought i could trust him. but i guess... we are friends really. friends. and... my mistake. i was seeing him more as a father or a supervisor (which he could have partly been) or a doctor. yeah. feel a bit disillusioned... but yeah oh well... there are limits in friendships i guess. i know something of the limits now. maybe he was trying to teach me something of the limits. or maybe... more likely he was simply unthinking. i said (at some point) please don't take advantage of me. not the most assertive thing to say... he started talking about how maybe i was taking advantage of him. anyway... limits on friendship. assertiveness. joking. it is amazing how assertive you can be with joking. i have a tendency to... go cold. go numb. wish myself out of existence and just sit there... let things happen... lose time. but i pulled out of it. we are on good terms. but... dammit... dammit dammit dammit. i have so much to learn. i guess... in all honesty... it is probably to talk about sex stuff with girls huh. geez i hate myself sometimes. probably he was wondering 'why is she telling me this???' and go the wrong idea. really got the wrong idea. i was talking to him because i trusted him. and because... the others can't keep their mouths shut (i don't think). i don't trust girls because i've had the experience of girl gossip. probably he doesn't know that. and got to thinking... 'why is she telling me???'


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