Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 673681

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ElaineM and Happyflower...How are you?

Posted by LadyBug on August 4, 2006, at 14:33:54

Just thinking about both of you and hoping you let us know how things are going. I know you're both going through a hard and painful time right now.
Your both in my thoughts. I hope you don't mind me asking about you both in the same post?
Write when you feel like you can. I do care.
Gentle Hugs coming at ya.......
LadyBug

 

Re: ElaineM and Happyflower...How are you?

Posted by happyflower on August 4, 2006, at 18:00:05

In reply to ElaineM and Happyflower...How are you?, posted by LadyBug on August 4, 2006, at 14:33:54

Hi Ladybug!

I am all pumped up right now on carbs! LOL I am running a 5k in the morning for a local charity. I got this cool t-shirt and a coupon for free shake at CHick fil et!!!! Yum! So I am eating spaghetti and garlic bread for dinner, and not the whole wheat kind either! LOL Plus me and the kids are going to watch Rockey for inspiratation. :-)
I have also made a major decsion concerning my therapy, I am terminating at the end of the year, my choice. My life isn't perfect, but I think I am doing okay and I feel like I can handle whatever sh*t comes my way. I told my T last session, he seemed a bit surprised. Yeah! LOL
I am getting excited school starts in a couple of weeks, I am taking Lifespan Develpmental Psysch , Arts, Aesthetices, and Creativity in Music, Trumpet lessons, Jazz Ensemble and Fitness and Jogging. 9 credit hours total, luckly I got approved for some student loans. I feel like going back to school is the right thing to do. It is like looking for the future, instead of looking always from my past or present. It gives my mind something to do.
So that is how I am doing right now, I see my T this Monday. I am feeling good! Thanks for asking and caring about me! That makes me feel so good! ;-)

 

...continuing LadyBug

Posted by ElaineM on August 4, 2006, at 19:16:09

In reply to ElaineM and Happyflower...How are you?, posted by LadyBug on August 4, 2006, at 14:33:54

LadyBug, it's sweet of you to ask. (And I don't mind sharing a post at all) This first escapade at the dentist was okay, I guess. It hurt, but it was a hurt that I'm okay with. I can take pain like that, even though it's brutal. Which sounds weird, but it's a kind that makes sense to me. The novocaine is out now and it is sore -- I can't really tell what the outcome is yet. Plus the exact tooth above it is one of the other problem ones. So it's still hard to eat. It's still down my neck so swallowing stuff and keeping it down is a production -- I'd look pretty silly if you saw me, massaging capsules down my throat and trying to deep breathe to relax the muscles.

It's so hard with overlapping problems. I was not doing well before all these teeth suddenly erupted out of nowhere, so I still have to deal with the other stuff, and get to tests and appointments for that, at the same time. It's so much to take. I don't know how to keep doing it day after day.

My T comes back tomorrow and I know he'll ask me if I want to get together, and even though I really really want to be with someone, I don't think my body's up to it. But at least he'll be back, and can come with me if I have to cave and go to the hospital. And that makes me feel a little safe.

I'm a little worried because he was going through something emotional himself before he left, and we were going to work through that together. I'm ready to help, but I'm also dreading it because I don't think I'm capable enough, and won't be able to say or do something wise or comforting. I miss him alot though -- it's been an eternity for me.

I'm wishing I had something good to write about, but that something never seems to get here. I'm trying to get "the system" to help but that's not going how I hoped either. Sometimes it just seems like my body, my mind, and the safety-nets are all failing me. I can't wait for T, he's all that's left.

Thank you for asking. I was waiting to hear about your surgury as well. Even though it sometimes hurts a teeny tiny bit hearing about others get well -- it's mostly nice. That's something I'm trying to work on -- using stories of success as signs of hope. It's hard though. I hope you know what I mean without me sounding narcisitic and cruel.

I know that I definately want to hear that you are mending. Did you make it to your T session on Thursday? did you let her come to you? ;-)
Give me an update.

thank-(((you))) so much for thinking of me,
ELaine

ps. if you want to know the gory details ;-) it's in a post in my thread a little up the page. Blech!

 

Re: Happyflower...How are you?

Posted by LadyBug on August 5, 2006, at 0:00:54

In reply to Re: ElaineM and Happyflower...How are you?, posted by happyflower on August 4, 2006, at 18:00:05

Happyflower!!!
It's so good to hear from you. I'm rootin for you on your run tomorrow.....you go girl!!! Good for you. I have a hard time walking let alone running!
And good for you to decide to end your therapy at the end of the year. That has to be hard decision for you. I always think if my husband showed me he loved me I wouldn't go to therapy anymore. That's the dumbest thing I've ever said, almost, but it's in the top ten. I need to love myself and slowly but surely it's happening. It scares me to even say.
I had 2 surgeries in the last 2 1/2 weeks. It's kicked my butt! But I've managed to go see my T 2 times. Once last week and then again yesterday. I shouldn't have gone yesterday as I had only had my second surgery 48 hours before and wasn't feeling that great. Towards the end I felt myself slip away out of consciousness. It scared me!!! I was her last appointment so she offered to walk with me out to my car to make sure I got there ok. She offered to call my daughter or my husband to come and get me, but I said no. I'm so mad at myself for going!! But it was what I was willing to do just to spend an hour with her. I'm freakin crazy. I had a good 20 min. drive home after. I thought just maybe she would call to make sure I got home ok, but no. She probably assumed I did or she'd hear about it. I have to go back to work next week, ready or not. I have to be very careful and to be honest, I'm not feeling real strong, but I've been off for 3 long weeks.
I think you have decided the right thing in life, live for the moment! I'll keep trying to do that. I can't change the past and if I knew the future I'm sure I'd spend my time running away from it!!!
Take Care and stay in touch!!
Hugs
LadyBug

 

Re: ...continuing ElaineM

Posted by LadyBug on August 5, 2006, at 0:13:16

In reply to ...continuing LadyBug, posted by ElaineM on August 4, 2006, at 19:16:09

I'm so glad to hear from you!!! And I'm glad to hear that you had a visit with a dentist! I hope you got some much needed relief and that you continue to get feeling better. I'm so sorry your teeth have caused you so much pain and sickness!! It's one of those things we can't ignore no matter how hard we try.
I'm excited for you to have your T back!!! See, you made it!!! I bet you both missed each other. I hope you see him "outside" of his office so he doesn't confuse your mind with therapy. You know what I mean. I'm not against you seeing him, as long as it's mutual and therapy isn't taking place. I know some people will disagree with me, but everyone is entitled to an opinion. That's just what it is..........MY opinion, nothing else. I'm not even saying I'm right or wrong. I know you deserve to have some happiness in your life and if he brings it to you then you should have it.
I went to see my T yesterday, she didn't offer to come to my house this time. I should have never gone because I wasn't feeling well. It was only 48 hours after my surgery!!!! Towards the end of the hour I felt myself slip away into unconsiousness. It was bad and I wasn't sure if I'd pass out or not. She walked out with me to my car to make sure I made it and she offered to call my husband or my daugher to come and get me. It was a 20 drive and I didn't want to wait for anyone. I was a bit mad that she didn't call to check on me later. But I must remember she must have known she'd hear from me if something happened. Isn't it funny how we have to be the ones to make a contact. They don't usually do it first. Part of me is mad at myself for going when I knew I didn't feel up to it, but I wanted to see her so badly. What a ding dong I am. Her mind was on what she had going on last night after my appointment anyway. She even told me that. I do have to remember how good she's been to me. She has and I love her for it. She helps me stay balanced.
Let me know how it goes and when you get to see your T. Ok and take care of yourself and your teeth.
Hugs
LadyBug

 

Had my first massage! ;-) LadyBug

Posted by happyflower on August 5, 2006, at 11:39:58

In reply to Re: Happyflower...How are you?, posted by LadyBug on August 5, 2006, at 0:00:54

Hi Ladybug,

Your T sure sounds like a very caring person. I don't know what kind of surgury you have had, but going through one is tough enough but two, that is a lot of stress on your body and on the mind. Good luck at starting work. Take is easy if you can.

I finished the race! I was slightly quicker than my first one, so I am happy. But I need someone to kick me in the butt half way through because I get into this mental thing like I hate running and what is the point, I will just walk. LOL I need to get over that mental block, I guess my running class at school should help, right?

LOL After the race I had a cinnabon, and a sugar cookie, I got a ballon flower and a massage! It only lasted 5 minutes, but it was my first one ever! It felt soooo good on my sore legs. I think I might have to do it again! ;-)

My DH isn't really showing any interest in saving out marriage. I have told him he needed to get tested for STD's and start therapy, but he hasn't done either. He is the one that broke the contract of marriage, and I feel it is up to him to do the work now if he wants to save it.

In my own mind, I am already divorced. I am slowing distancing myself mentally away from him. It is so hard because it hurts so much and I never thought we would be in this position. I am staying in the marriage for the kids. I know a lot of people disagree with this, and that is fine, but I am doing what is best for me at the moment. I do plan on leaving myself if things don't improve, in 3 years. Until then, I am going to try to work on getting along with him, healing my broken heart, and looking forward to the future.

Someday I will find someone who thinks I am special and someone who is as happy to be with me as I am with them. I don't want to give up on love, but right now I need to concentrate on loving myself and putting myself first. I need to work on me.

I have deceided to quit therapy at the end of the year, because I think I am ready. I feel like I am doing a lot better, and if I need to go back or go past the end of the year, I can. But this is my goal.

I basically have no insurance coverage for therapy unless I wanted to change T's or go to a less experienced one that is training in college. I am going to miss talking to my T like crazy, it will so hard to leave. But I need real relationships in my life, and my relationship with my T isn't a real one, it is fake, he doesn't really care about me beyond me just being a client. That is okay for me, I might as well get used to that. I don't need to pay for his support or his friendship, I will find those elsewhere with someone who can mutually like me back. Is it possible to have two hearts that are broken?

I am looking forward to the future, I have more control over it than my past, I can't change the past, so I must move on and make a difference in this world and in my life. ;-)

 

Re: Had my first massage! ;-) happyflower

Posted by antigua on August 5, 2006, at 13:28:19

In reply to Had my first massage! ;-) LadyBug, posted by happyflower on August 5, 2006, at 11:39:58

wow, you sound really happy, and I'm so glad for you. You have goals and a plan to reach them. I certainly understand about staying where you are until you're more settled with yourself, but I'd say you are doing great.
Congrats on the race!
best,
antigua

 

Re: Had my first massage! ;-) happyflower

Posted by LadyBug on August 5, 2006, at 17:13:55

In reply to Had my first massage! ;-) LadyBug, posted by happyflower on August 5, 2006, at 11:39:58

A massage! I'm jeolous! I would give anything right now for one on my back and neck. They are sooooo out of shape from all I've been through and all the laying around I've done.
Good job on your race! You will do better each time and then you won't have that mental block.

In my mind I am divorced too. I left without leaving. We try to be civil and he's been good to me during my surgeries. I'm with you! Go on with your life. Who should pay for a relationship? I have been paying for my therapy for lots of years. Finally in Sept. I am changing insurances and my T will be on it! It will pay for a lot of it. I've been thinking about making this my last year with her. So many things are talked about over and over and the same issues come up. I'm better at dealing with the things that I struggle with. I used to call her in a major panic. Now I don't even go there and I'd never call unless I was in danger of myself.

Your DH *not* going to be tested is his own denial that he was unfaithful. He wants to forget it happened and go on with his life. It will haunt him forever unless he deals with it like he should. And if he won't consider therapy, and he probably doesn't work too hard on the relationship, then the guilt will eat him up. I know!! Mine is the same way. Out of site, out of mind. Not so easy. Tell me this, would you stay if you could support yourself? I sure as heck would NOT!!! No way. I do my own thing, take care of my own stuff whether he likes it or not, I don't really care.

I'm going to see my T on Monday and part of me is hurt by something she said to me on Thurs. this week. So I will have to talk to her about it.
That's if I have the energy to do it. Right now, I'm not sleeping worth a dang at night. So I just don't feel good at all. Sometimes I wish I didn't love her so much, but she's been so good for me and to me. I'm glad she's a female, I could never talk to a man like I do her.
Take care and keep up the good attitude and work!!
Hugs
LadyBug

 

Re: Had my first massage! ;-) antigua

Posted by happyflower on August 6, 2006, at 0:56:46

In reply to Re: Had my first massage! ;-) happyflower, posted by antigua on August 5, 2006, at 13:28:19

yeah, I think I am happy lately. I think it is all how you think of things sometimes. So I am trying to stay positive in spite of everything. Thanks for responding, it was nice of you!

 

Re: Had my first massage! ;-) LadyBug

Posted by happyflower on August 6, 2006, at 15:03:33

In reply to Re: Had my first massage! ;-) happyflower, posted by LadyBug on August 5, 2006, at 17:13:55

Good luck ladybug on your appointment Monday, I see my T too tommorrow.

I guess I have also left my DH emotionally, but not left physically. I am also doing what I need to do whether he likes it or not. He broke the marriage bond, why should I have to suffer financially too ?
If I had the money I would also find it easier to leave. I still have issues about having my kids dad leave them. I am sorry but you can't be a dad on everyother weekend, it is different. I want my kids to be okay, they are my first priority in this.

You are right about my DH, he is out of sight out of mind kind of guy.
Thank you so much for your support, it is nice to know I am not alone. ;-)

 

Re: Had my first massage! ;-) happyflower

Posted by sunnydays on August 6, 2006, at 18:43:20

In reply to Had my first massage! ;-) LadyBug, posted by happyflower on August 5, 2006, at 11:39:58

Happyflower,
I apologize if this is too directive, but I feel strongly about it. Please please please do not tell your kids that you're staying in the marriage for them, even if that is the reason you're doing it. My mom told me that was the reason she stayed married to my dad, and I felt soooooo guilty for making her stay unhappy. Please don't tell your kids that.

sunnydays

 

Re: Had my first massage! ;-) sunnydays

Posted by happyflower on August 6, 2006, at 21:34:41

In reply to Re: Had my first massage! ;-) happyflower, posted by sunnydays on August 6, 2006, at 18:43:20

Hi Sunnydays,

I don't plan on ever telling them that. I wouldn't ever put that on their shoulders.

It is truely sad your mom did that to you, it is terrible she told you that, even if it was the case. (((((sunnydays))))

 

can't make myself go =:::( LadyBug

Posted by ElaineM on August 7, 2006, at 11:51:05

In reply to Re: ...continuing ElaineM, posted by LadyBug on August 5, 2006, at 0:13:16

I spoke to my T yesterday. It was good, I guess. And he emailed a few times last night. I don't remember much. My face in killing me. My sinus feels like it's going to burst. My jaw hurts to open and my hearing keeps popping in and out. I can't see the dentist until Wed. I have no antibiotics left so I suppose the infection was only being kept at bay and not cured entirely. This is not ever going to go away.

My stomach has also been killing me again. I even called my mother!! because I couldn't stand up without screaming out. All I do all night is moan, and hold my side. She said to call to let her know if I take myself to a hospital. She hates me. My T started crying and said he'd keep his cell with him if I wanted him to come and get me. I don't. After missing him so much, I don't even want to see him. I don't want anything except to be well, and nothing is ever done. It's been so much worse since the ultrasound because the technician was pushing so hard for nearly 50 minutes. I know it's nothing she did, but it's been so bad ever since.

I wish I could get to his office for a regular meeting. I'm glad he's back though. I've signed for him to have unconditional, and continuing permission to speak to other physicians about my medical history (as well as my mental one). He's to speak for me if I can't ever explain everything myself. So I'm glad he's back from vacation. I miss my LadyDoctor. I can't do this. I'm trying so hard, but it's so much. It's too much. It hurts to sit up to type. But it hurts even more to stand up -- way too much pressure, like my insides are falling.

I'm so afraid. And so tired of being afraid. So much agony. I'm tired of writing about my medical problems. But I'm tired of living them even more. I can't think. I can't do anything. I can't rest. I'm not even religious but I pray all the time now -- I don't even know why. It just pours out of me.
I suppose that happens alot with desperate people, or those trapped in suffering.

I am so impressed by your strength through your surguries -- how you even pushed yourself to get to that T meeting only two days later. I respect your bravery so much. I wish I could learn that. I know we don't have the same things but I can't understand how people get through things. I know there are a few others posting here who have medical problems too, and I get so touched reading everyone's struggles. I wish everyone was well. I wish I was well. I wish you could buy courage and perseverance. These days I spend alot of time debating in my head, the difference between perseverance and self-torture. I'm just having so hard a time accepting all of this. I thought the anorexia was the hardest thing I'd have to go through. Finding out that the hard stuff hadn't even begun just broke me. I have so little left. (I'm sorry for being such a downer)

Maybe he should come to me. I look so ugly right now though. And though he's seen me get teary before, he's never heard me yelp in pain, or seen a face full of tears. And no one sees me without makeup. I'm so protective of my ugliness. I'm so disgustingly shallow. God help me. Some of this has to go away.

 

Re: can't make myself go =:::( ElaineM

Posted by LadyBug on August 7, 2006, at 15:24:18

In reply to can't make myself go =:::( LadyBug, posted by ElaineM on August 7, 2006, at 11:51:05

(((((((Elaine)))))))
Your pain and suffering brings me to tears. I wish you could have some kind of relief. Let your T come to you and hold you tight. Pain is so awful, both mental and physical. I do think that physical pain doesn't last forever? But the mental pain comes and goes but really never stays away completly. I know my health isn't the greatest and I've never really thought how horrible it could get until the last few weeks. I don't like feeling "out of it". And that's what I've felt like for 3 weeks now.
I just got home from seeing my T. I wanted to see her before I have to go back to work. I was going to go back to work tomorrow but I only slept for about 1 1/2 hours last night, or I should say this morning becasue I didn't fall asleep until about 7:00 a.m. until 8:00 a.m. and I woke up to call and leave my T a voice mail telling her I was planning on coming in to see her at the hour she offered me for today.
My visit with her was wonderful in the fact that we work so hard to understand each other. I felt like she had pushed me away last week when I saw her. It hurt and I was pissed at her. I explained myself to her and she explained why she said and did what she did. I think we worked it out so we both understand the other one. It's incredible how well we do. She said she appreciated me coming in and telling her how I was feeling and not keeping it to myself. I felt like a million bucks when I left. I called and left her a voice mail and said, "I want to Thank You with all my heart, I appreciate you so much, we do well, thanks."
I want yout T to comfort you. It doesn't matter if you don't look your best. But I'd worry too if I didn't have make up on and have my hair done. That's one of the biggest reasons I didn't have my T come over to see me after my surgeries, I didn't want her to see me looking gross. I showered everyday, but most days I didn't do my hair and I didn't bother with makeup. I regret not having her come over cuz I may never have that opportunity again. I am planning on having a knee replacement sometime in the next year. I've put it off for some time now due to lack of good insurance. I was shooting for Sept. but after what I've just gone through, I'm thinking January sounds better. Time will tell. If I didn't have to work, my knee wouldn't bother me enough to have it replaced. But my job kills me from head to toe. And I can't stand the pain anymore.

I'm glad you're praying. I kow that feeling of pouring out your heart and soul for some relief and comfort. I am a religous person and I do find comfort in prayer like nothing else. I don't do it enough though.
Sorry this is so long, I'm sleep deprived and my mind is going a million miles an hour.
Get feeling better. I bet the anti-biotics are hurting your stomach too. I'm so sorry. I hope your T comes to see you, you need him right now.
Let me know how you're doing ok?
Gentle Hugs,
LadyBug


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