Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 674038

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my psychiatrist appt

Posted by kerria on August 5, 2006, at 15:41:43

Today i went to my psychiatrist. This pDr i found through going to Sidran office, and crying for a referral. i had just found out by accident that i had DID and was trying to find help.

The past six years i've seen him- sometimes it was a good relationship and sometimes bad- i have parts and all my relationships are like that. Most people don't understand why but he knows- it dodn't matter though- he thinks the worst about me just the same as if he didn't know that i had parts.

After talking to one- or maybe two parts and not hearing all sides of the story- why i called and wanted to see him- he concluded that i always am in crisis and that it's never the T's way of doing thereapy- but my fault- for getting upset not to take it.

i can't live with myself after an angry part came out during therapy and i had flashbacks because of whay M had said to me. The angry part makes me feel afraid- like i will cut myself or have a car accident everytime i drive.

my psychiatrist thinks that it's good- i should just stick with it. i'm in too much pain to go on. He forgot he made an appt with me today. i did get back to him about the time. Seeing me made him upset- that i wasted his time- only 15 min.--he couldn't understand why i wanted to see him. i thought that he would understand why therapy upset me. That he would be able to help set the inside parts in order so i could function again--i tried to tell how i can't function at work- that more than one part was coming to work and the switching made me forget things and be late- littles would be home playing and i would lose time not knowing what happened- at work they don't understand and they treat me badly because of the way parts act.
(He caustically said, "I don't think you're in danger of losing your job.") like that mattered- i can't function ANYWHERE .
There isn't understanding at home. feel so unloved at home. tears. i'm giving up on therapy- no one understands and helps the pain inside. PsyDr is critical- blaming me for everything wrong. i hate myself.
So tired of physical and psych pain of being criticized by everyone who doesn't understand parts. It's so hard to live this way- it's a confusing frustrating mess and i'm blamed for what i can't control. It's a lost battle.

i called T to stop therapy- we quit- no one appreciates how hard and triggering it is. No one is ever there to pick up the pieces. we're too hurt to try anymore.
we said it all before he says- "somehow we manage to go on." he wishes i hadn't:(

So tired of being like this- of hurting so badly and having no answers to how to function any better. i wonder if a lot of people just goof on people in their hard times here at babble- i hate my life.
i wish i could get out of it without hurting my kids. it's exactly like torture to live- the flashbacks and losing time and no one understanding hurts so much every part's life is wrecked since the last hard time of therapy- we can't do anything we want to do. No control anymore.

tears,
kerria
why was my dr who i trusted so cynical and cruel tto us? What does he lose by not being a jerk? He knows we have physical pain that needs surgery to resolve- terrible triggering pain. He knows we have parts. Why can't ONE person be on my side EVER?
tears

 

Re: my psychiatrist appt » kerria

Posted by ElaineM on August 5, 2006, at 16:54:09

In reply to my psychiatrist appt, posted by kerria on August 5, 2006, at 15:41:43

Oh Kerria. I'm so sad reading your post. And I'm angry at that pdoc. I think sometimes T/pdocs get very jaded. And I hate that. It's so hurtful to the people who's lives are effected by them. I think that sometimes they forget that THEY get to go home at 5pm - drop the T cloak at their office door -- and WE go home to live the exact same lives we go to them for help with. It's so unfair! They think treating MI is hard ... well they should try living with it.

I wish I knew more about DID, so I could say something helpful, but I don't. You were so brave, and so proactive, to reveal to your pdoc what has happened. PLEASE don't let his reaction stop you from trying. You are absolutely not to blame for his ignorance, or incompetance.

Saying, that you somehow always manage to go on, it terribly insensitive. I believe you ARE that strong, but for him to say that sounds minimizing. I also think that T/pdocs are sometimes too quick to interpret actions as manipulation. I just wonder if that's what's going on with yours. I don't know! I can't believe how poorly you were treated. You deserve someone better than both of them.

PLEASE keep trying to find someone who'll help you integrate all your parts.

Have you ever told anyone on Babble the city you're posting from, so we can help network the resources in your area? I know that it'd be hard (I went through that same dilemma too) but if it's a last resort, then maybe it'd be worth it. I don't know. I don't think you deserve to be without a T right now -- though maybe it's better than being with an incompetant one. Do you think the one you've left now could offer a referral? Maybe even over email?

I know how hard it is to be dealing with physical and mental pain. I know what that feels like -- Words do not do it justice. Maybe that's why I'm so worried about you, and want to send you safe hugs (if you're okay with that). Could your medical doctor maybe call the hospitals' psych floors to ask if they know of T's who specialize in DID? Definately not to make you inpatient or anything like that -- just to open more doors. Are you scheduled for surgury anytime soon?

I know it's not nearly enough but, I'M on your side, WE'RE on your side here. I've worried too that my posts and my story could be a sort-of babble joke, (and I may be to some -- you can never know anything for sure) but I just have this gut feeling that people here are genuine. I've come to trust people here -- maybe I'm naive or stupid, I don't know. I just think that no one here takes anyone's pain as a joke. Keep posting, and trying. You're kids are lucky to have someone so brave caring about them.

kind thoughts, and safe hugs, Elaine

 

Re: my psychiatrist appt » kerria

Posted by muffled on August 5, 2006, at 18:37:35

In reply to my psychiatrist appt, posted by kerria on August 5, 2006, at 15:41:43

Is there any meds that might help with all the switching?
Or just calm things down some.
Is there and adult mother part that can try and get the kids organized inside, and mebbe comfort them?
Can you try visualization. Imagining your inside kids in a safew place together and safe, so that your adult part can try and get things organized while the kids are content and safe.
There's proly a protective part if you can find it. That part would be useful for shutting down the parts that are causing you so much trouble.
The parts are all there for a reason, and while they may not behave well at this time, it IS possible that they can. But it proly would be helpful if you could get a better handle on the adult parts first, so they can help with the more unmanageable parts, find out what they want/need and need to learn, and work on that.
There are parts that may talk very bad, but my irl kids can be very nasty. Kids can be so nasty. Specially when the not getting their needs met. I don't beleive there is anything evil. I think you've just got alot of confused parts and they need to learn to calm down and let you get some peace.
Sorry its so hard.
But I do beleive you can achieve some measure of peace.
And I do beleive your irl kids need you.
Have you tried much on your own to talk to the more approachable parts? Sometimes you can do this in writing. If you get a part that upsets you, stop. Say it aloud. Distract and move on to safer territory.
You come across as a lovely person Kerria, don't let the parts bully you.
Keep posting if it helps.
You could even let diff. parts post if you wanted. Just try not to get blocked.
Goto run.
Peace, I wish you some peace Kerria.
Muffled

 

Your hating part » kerria

Posted by littleone on August 5, 2006, at 23:07:33

In reply to my psychiatrist appt, posted by kerria on August 5, 2006, at 15:41:43

Hi kerria,

I can hear how much pain you're in emotionally. It comes through so clearly in your posts. I'm sorry you're finding things so hard at the moment.

I wanted to mention something about the part that hates you. I know that you find it really scary and painful, but sometimes parts like that are actually deserving of a lot of respect because they held the hate that you weren't able to. They took that feeling on to spare you and help you survive. In a way it's been really brave of that part to hold your hate for you all this time.

 

Re: my psychiatrist appt » ElaineM

Posted by kerria on August 5, 2006, at 23:44:30

In reply to Re: my psychiatrist appt » kerria, posted by ElaineM on August 5, 2006, at 16:54:09

(((((((ElaineM)))))))safe hugs. Thank you for writing. i thought about some things that you said. i think you're right. It's so hard having parts i didn't present the problem- what is really bothering me. Other parts talked about something else- he never got the reason why we were upset. The reason for the crisis is too upsetting to talk about. Parts took over and misrepresented me:(

Now he has this bad opinion aaaboiut me and will make me look bad. My parts often will make me look bad, stupid, etc, it's so frustrating.

i NEEDED my Dr to understad me and we blew it. i wish that somehow this dr would understand that there's so much that isn't communicated in appts. He sees only a cover of what's going on. It's so frustrating for me. i feel trapped - my parts that are desperately hurting are trapped inside 'protected' by other parts - but it makes me look manipulative and bad. i hate myself and not having control- being like this.

No one could help me this way- how could anyone understand?
everything is too hard for me.

Why would my dr think i was manipulating? Whay whould i be trying to get? Couldn't he tell a part was covering what we were upset about?

i need help to function- i need help with parts that are upset and in crisis underneath the surface parts. They brought up trivial stupid things. i hate how it's impossible to be undersstood:(

That's what DID is like. No one can see who you really are because you're a bunch of persons. Some can be in crisis and no one would ever know:(
No one cares to help. Therapy is painful and the hurting is so severe and no one cares. It's impossible to be successful at anything:(
People constantly accuse of things that aren't true or things that are but we can't help doing them:(
Inside we're so broken. i want to somehow be fixed- to have someone take the time to care and help - to sort out through all the parts and help me because i can't handle the pain of living with myself. Please God, help me. i'm a terrible mess.

why couldn't my dr help me?
now i had to quit therapy- it's too hard to do- it's not safe :(
dr doesn't care.
kerria

 

sorry » kerria

Posted by ElaineM on August 6, 2006, at 0:13:30

In reply to Re: my psychiatrist appt » ElaineM, posted by kerria on August 5, 2006, at 23:44:30

Kerria, I'm so sorry for upsetting you. I wanted the exact opposite -- I'm really really sorry.

>>>>Why would my dr think i was manipulating?

I'm sorry, I do this alot. I speculate too much, and run off on random brain-storms, and infuse too much of myself into other people's posts. You were actually very clear in what you were describing. I don't know at all what your Doc was actually thinking. What I should've said was that, in my exchanges with a T I had, she viewed every outpouring of emotion, as an attempt on my part to manipulate her (She thought I only wanted drugs, when I really hated to take them). And I also had a similiar encounter with a supervising pdoc at one of my treatment centers. So I'm sorry if I made you worry about what your pdoc thought of you. I'm not used to speaking with people so often, and I may not know how to do that properly. I'm really sorry to have upset you.

I mainly wanted to let you know how much I wished you had received a more sensitive reaction -- and then I go and do the exact opposite. I think a person can be perfectly understandable even when the listener doesn't understand. So please don't let your pdoc, or my, density stop you from trying.

I care about you. I'm can't stop saying how sorry I am that I said something so stupid. It's so late, that I'm worried I'll say something else wrong, but maybe I'll be clearer tomorrow. Sorry.
((((Kerria)))) [safe hugs]
Elaine

 

Re: my psychiatrist appt » muffled

Posted by kerria on August 6, 2006, at 0:19:44

In reply to Re: my psychiatrist appt » kerria, posted by muffled on August 5, 2006, at 18:37:35

Thank you ((((((((Muffled)))))))safe hugs.
Since the therapy session last week when the part S. that hates me came out- so much is wrong. That's why i went to the Dr- to help.
It doesn't feel safe and i don't know what part will be out. Work is a mess, everything is a mess. Later i have to remember what happened and try to deal with it. It's so hard to live. i'm always unprepared for what comes out . When we're homeeee it feels safer except when h gets mad. Then we become little and feel like there's no control and it's just as bad as when we were little. It's scary, we're afraid of the dark- afraid for our life. It's like a nightmare that happens but it's real.

i can't talk to my parts. When i become one part the other parts aren't here. Who i am keeps changing. i'm never in charge. It hurts so much when h and everyone is angry because i'm angry with myself too.

No meds have helped. i take diazapam - to calm dowm. i'm so afraid of whats going to happen. The physical pain feels like it just happened- when h is angry - goes crazy- out of control-that past a. is present a.
There's not a way to talk to parts to say it's ok now. Sometimes it's really NOT ok at home:(
i do try to talk to S. - the angry part but i'm so afraid. She is angry about things that happened that were our fault- it can't be changed:(
Thanks for being there,
kerria

 

Re: my psychiatrist appt » kerria

Posted by muffled on August 6, 2006, at 1:02:32

In reply to Re: my psychiatrist appt » muffled, posted by kerria on August 6, 2006, at 0:19:44

> Thank you ((((((((Muffled)))))))safe hugs.
**:-) Thanks for hugs.

> Since the therapy session last week when the part S. that hates me came out- so much is wrong. That's why i went to the Dr- to help.
**Sorry he wasn't able to. Guess its goto be hard when you got parts that keep screwing things up.

> It doesn't feel safe and i don't know what part will be out. Work is a mess, everything is a mess. Later i have to remember what happened and try to deal with it.
**How do you remember what happened? This may be very important, cuz to remember what happened there must be some communication going on, or maybe you are partly there at the time but dissociated. This could be a key to figgering out how to communicate.

It's so hard to live. i'm always unprepared for what comes out . When we're homeeee it feels safer except when h gets mad. Then we become little and feel like there's no control and it's just as bad as when we were little. It's scary, we're afraid of the dark- afraid for our life. It's like a nightmare that happens but it's real.
**((((kerria)))It must be so hard. But you do have parts that can help. With or without a T you'll have to try and learn how to communicate.
>
> i can't talk to my parts. When i become one part the other parts aren't here. Who i am keeps changing. i'm never in charge. It hurts so much when h and everyone is angry because i'm angry with myself too.
**Dont be angry at yourself, or your parts. Quite possibly many of them may be children and so behave like children cuz they ARE children, so don't be angy at them, they just don't know better. But they can learn.
You who are writing this knows there are parts. Is there another part that seems to know there are other parts?
Have you noticed that certain things (eg. angry husband) bring out certain parts? Is there times when parts that are seemingly more desirable come out? Is there any way to trigger them out on purpose and try to be there too? Or get them to write to you? If the wrong part writes something, throw it away. But you may tap into a useful part quite accidentally, and then you have communication with at least 1, and thats a beginning.
And you may fight with that part, or that part could have alot of resentment and stuff, but try to be as adult as you can and not get sucked into fighting.
Try to be kind and welcomming and accepting as you can, even if the part is behaving badly. Cuz chances are its just justifiably hurt or angry etc, and just needs someone to be kind and accepting. I think you will be able to communicate eventually, and it will be a huge reliefe once you can start sorting out the hurts and just loving those hurt little kids that are inside you.
>
> No meds have helped. i take diazapam - to calm dowm. i'm so afraid of whats going to happen. The physical pain feels like it just happened- when h is angry - goes crazy- out of control-that past a. is present a.
**Flashbacks. So sorry. So sorry. I don't get those, just a flash of white light and I blank out. I am very fortunate.

> There's not a way to talk to parts to say it's ok now. Sometimes it's really NOT ok at home:(
**Are you safe at home? Are you still getting abused? Thats doesn't sound too good. I really hope thats not the case :-(

> i do try to talk to S. - the angry part but i'm so afraid. She is angry about things that happened that were our fault- it can't be changed:(
**WAS it your fault? Really? Or is that just a lie you've come to beleive? Even if there was fault, and I NOT saying there is, you are human, ALL humans screw up. We not perfect thats for damn sure.
The angry part, do you think its a kid?

> Thanks for being there,
> kerria
**You are not alone Kerria. And one day you'll be glad of your inside ones, cuz they are you, and they've helped you to survive, and lotsa times they end up just being regular hurt kids and once they get some understanding they will be happier, and you can have some peace.
Its hard butting against the wall, but you'll break thru, you'll be able to communicate, you will. I think you already are, your just not conscious of it yet.
Take care,
Muffly

 

Re: my psychiatrist appt

Posted by shrinking violet on August 6, 2006, at 17:47:55

In reply to Re: my psychiatrist appt » kerria, posted by muffled on August 5, 2006, at 18:37:35

{{{{{Kerria}}}}}}

I haven't posted on Babble in a while and I read only sparingly these days but I happened upon your post today and I want to say that my heart goes out to you. I feel your pain and suffering in your words. When I was in therapy with my last T, it caused SO MUCH emotional pain and turmoil that it was very hard for both of us: for me, of course, trying to deal with it and not knowing how and waiting for my T to make it better but she just couldn't, or didn't know how. Not to compare my situation with yours, of course, but I just hope you know that you are not alone and you WILL COME OUT OF THIS THROUGH THE OTHER SIDE. I'm sorry your doc is so incompetent, but there are genuinely caring and competent T's out there. Please keep looking.
Sending you peace,
SV

 

Re: my psychiatrist appt » kerria

Posted by Jost on August 7, 2006, at 12:15:33

In reply to Re: my psychiatrist appt » muffled, posted by kerria on August 6, 2006, at 0:19:44

Kerria, maybe you can talk to yourself, and tell yourself that whatever you did in the past, even if you regret it, or feel you were wrong, is something that you did for reasons that you may not remember fully, or even agree with. But at the time, they were powerful, and they may even have covered over other reasons, that you weren't aware of.

Usually, even the worst things have reasons. Of course, if you've hurt someone, or yourself, it's natural to feel remorse, guilt, and wish that you could undo it. And sometimes, it's important to take steps to recompense others, or to heal.

But most important, also, is forgiving yourself, and doing thing differently, as much as possible in the future.

You're working on your integration, and on handling the dislocations that memory lapses and parts doing things you, as a main stabilizing part, and the central 'You" don't know about, or agree with. That's taking a huge step.

You have to remind yourself, as much as you can, that you are doing all you can, that you deserve respect, peace, healing from pain, both mental and physical.

If you can give yourself those things, even for parts of a day, you're taking those important steps that will lead to a better time.

It sounds as if it's especially hard now, but you will make progress, and over time, you will come to at least a truce, and even someday, much closer working-together of parts that don't communicate now.

I know it's frightening, and must make you angry at times to have all this chaos, and not know what to do.

But you're doing such good work, even though it doesn't always shine through, and it will lead you to a better place. Try to remember that, no matter what.

Jost


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