Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 672170

Shown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Why has this happened now? ***trigger

Posted by ElaineM on July 30, 2006, at 22:31:41

I'm sorry everyone, but I'm having a terrible time. I can't stand being alone for so long. I miss my T. Every day just blends into the next and I'm stuck staring at the clock. I keep checking my email to see if he's sent me something (found an internet hookup), but there's never anything there. It's so pathetic to check so many times and for nothing to be there. For the half-second it takes for the inbox page to upload my stomach lurches, and then when there's nothing new it feels like I've been punched. I've never gone this long before, and I can't take it. Usually there's some sort of message each morning, I see him during the day, and then usually it's email a few times each night. My life is so empty. I feel like I could throw-up.

I want to SI, so I can stop the shakes, and so I can have something to tend to, and take care of after -- which doesn't make sense!!! I don't need more pain!!! What is wrong with me? The time just moves so slowly, I can't do this! I've had dental problems lately, which seems to trigger full physical downspirals. Friday I went to the dentist in agony and found out that I have 3 more root canals. I haven't even paid for my first one! (I maxed out my school coverage in one visit last October.) He said this is all the malnutrition catching up to my teeth. Maybe it's true, but I'm sick of everything that happens to me getting blamed on the anorexia. The sky is blue because of my ED. Maybe I just feel guilty. I can't afford this. I don't know what to do. I had to have the dentist call in a prescription this morning cause it's infected my sinuses - my nose was bleeding alot this morning. It took me so long to actually dial his home number -- I was so nervous. So I'm back on these pills, and increased the codeine, but the vertigo is awful.

I did something terrible this afternoon. I was stuck in a crying fit, and my teeth were shooting lightening bolts up my jaw, and into my ear. I emailed my T (even though he won't get it until he's back) telling him that I'm so desperate and would accept his money. I said I'd rather try and do more work for it, rather than have it lent to me, but said that if I couldn't perform I'd let him lend it. He always says that it would be an honor for him to help me financially. But I think I want to take it back!! I knew it as soon as I pressed send -- my stomach sank. I just feel really guilty and embarrassed. Should I email him again and take it all back? Will that only make me look crazier?

The disgusting sad thing is that I think I'd do, or say, anything anyone wanted me to right now. I just want to scream, Somebody help me! at the top of my lungs. I need someone. I need him. The only one who cares. The only one who has tried to help, instead of hurt. I don't deserve him but I'd do anything for mercy. I feel bad to bury him in my garbage while he's so upset himself, but I can't stand this on-goingness! I don't want to suffer anymore.

I can't deal with my mouth. I don't have thousands and thousands of dollars. Not on top of everything else. This is like the last straw!! I can't even eat for comfort!! I don't want teeth anymore. Who cares if I'm ugly -- I can't even walk properly! What am I going to do? He said something has to be done this week! The antibiotics won't work much longer than that. The pressure in my head is intolerable.

I don't want to be cured. I just want this to be over. I'm so tired. I want a different body. I want this body to just die. I wish someone would kill me. (I'm sorry that's so gruesome) I always fantasize about my lady doctor being the one to do it. It would mean so much to me if it could be her. I miss her so much. I want to email her. It's on one of her business cards she wrote my appointment time on once. I want to so badly, but I think a doctor would be even less likely to respond than a T. I'd really want her to answer.

I'm sorry to be so negative. I've wished for hope for so long, but relief is not coming. And now, I can see that the only think holding me here is my T. I can't cope with all this upset, and physical pain without him. I hope I don't infect you all with my complaining. Blahblah I never shut-up, stupid @ss! I'm sorry. I hate myself and this and I don't know what to do. I have no options. I'm so tired of pain. I need help. I'm thinking of going to emerg. tomorrow. But I'm so afraid that if I go into the hospital I'll never leave. I hope I can sleep tonight. I'm so tired.

 

Re: Why has this happened now? ***trigger ElaineM

Posted by canadagirl on July 30, 2006, at 23:32:36

In reply to Why has this happened now? ***trigger, posted by ElaineM on July 30, 2006, at 22:31:41

I'm so sorry to read about all that's been happening. I don't get on here much but I am so sorry to hear you are in pain. Is there any way you could contact social services or anything, to see if they could help you with your teeth? (I know here in Canada the welfare system could possibly help even if you are not on welfare.)
If you need to go to emerg, go, you need some help and you need to get it fast. You write like a sensitive, intelligent person and you have a lot that you give others here from what I read. You are a worthwhile person who deserves to be happy and healthy. Do whatever you need to do to get some help. I'm not familiar with your situation so sorry I can't be more specifically helpful but I hope that you find some relief. Do your best not to SI if you can help it, try to think about all the progress you have made so far and know that there are others out there who care.

 

Re: Why has this happened now? ***trigger

Posted by sunnydays on July 31, 2006, at 7:02:21

In reply to Re: Why has this happened now? ***trigger ElaineM, posted by canadagirl on July 30, 2006, at 23:32:36

((((ElaineM))))) I know it's hard, but please try to just keep holding on one more second, one more minute, anything. If you need to email your doctor, I would say you could. Explain how horrible you're feeling and that you really really need her to reply. Also, if you need to go to the hospital, then go ahead and go - it's more important that you are safe than any amount of money. (((((ElaineM)))))

sunnydays

 

Re: Why has this happened now? ***trigger canadagirl

Posted by ElaineM on July 31, 2006, at 13:10:54

In reply to Re: Why has this happened now? ***trigger ElaineM, posted by canadagirl on July 30, 2006, at 23:32:36

Thankyou CGirl: It helps to hear support. Usually all I have is my own negative self-talk. It's hard when you are alone -- you forget what your own voice sounds like. You forget what others voices sound like. And the less you hear from others, the louder your head gets. I'm only fully realizing how much my daily existence depends on my T.

Plus, I appreciate being able to write on here as a destraction. It doesn't help all the time -- but sometimes it's enough to make "light pain" days more tolerable.

I didn't SI last night. It's hard feeling so bad, but I feel like I've done it alot lately. Though I think the last time was the day my ladydoctor didn't show up -- I can't remember, but it looks as though it's relatively old. I don't know why I care but I feel like I'm really trying to avoid doing more damage. It's so hard moving through each day. I can't stand it.

I didn't go to the ER cause I'm afraid. I'd rather hold out till the last minute. And I'm supposed to see my dentist on Friday, though that seems too far away.

thank you for thinking of me though,
EL

 

Re: Why has this happened now? ***trigger

Posted by ElaineM on July 31, 2006, at 13:25:58

In reply to Re: Why has this happened now? ***trigger, posted by sunnydays on July 31, 2006, at 7:02:21

(((sunnydays))) thank you. I know you are having a bad time too. I know I shouldn't have but I emailed ladyDoctor last night after posting. I really hope that she doesn't notice the time it was sent -- I'm already going to look like I'm severely unstable. I don't think she will respond (and it will drive me mad wondering...and checking a million times) but I couldn't help sending one. I want to hear from her so badly. I wish, more than anything, that she were my mother -- She's close to my mom's age. Everytime she's said something nice to me, or smiled, or let the appointment run long, it used to feel so good that it would hurt afterwards. I can't believe she's gone too. I'm so embarrassed that I used her email from her business card. I hope she doesn't feel manipulated, or intruded upon, or victimized or something -- especially cause I know I sounded soooo upset. I really need to stop doing things before I think them through.

Hugs back to you.
Thank you for caring, EL

 

sorry, above for sunnydays (nm)

Posted by ElaineM on July 31, 2006, at 13:29:11

In reply to Re: Why has this happened now? ***trigger, posted by ElaineM on July 31, 2006, at 13:25:58

 

Re: Why has this happened now? ***trigger ElaineM

Posted by muffled on July 31, 2006, at 14:01:48

In reply to Re: Why has this happened now? ***trigger, posted by ElaineM on July 31, 2006, at 13:25:58

Sorry its so hard right now.
Do you have a dental school near you at all? They will usu. do dentistry cheap.
Sometimes you can releive the pressure of a sore tooth by taking a toothpick and poking the rotten spot hard, to release the pus. Then flush your mouth well with some antiseptic mouthwash. You may have to do this regularly.
Worked for me and my hubby too.
Have you tried contacting the Samaritans online?
They can be additional distraction, and may have some ideas.
You can also call your local crisis line. They are there to talk. You don't have to be in life or death crisis to phone. Mebbe they could refer you to people that could help in some way.
Are you able to read? If you could get to the library and get a bunch of books you could read. I could read all day given the opportunity.
Sometimes I ride the bus downtown and people watch.
Hot packs on your face can help sinuses and rotten teeth drain.
Vitamin C boosts immunity.
I wish I could do more for you.
The time will pass.
Sleeping is good if you can despite the pain.
Take special care.
Your stronger than you think.
You've already proved that.
Take care,
Muffled

 

Mail ! (and muffled)

Posted by ElaineM on July 31, 2006, at 15:47:30

In reply to Re: Why has this happened now? ***trigger ElaineM, posted by muffled on July 31, 2006, at 14:01:48

Hi muffled: I have thought about the university's dept. of dentistry, and the wait lists are too long. Also, they won't let students perform on medically conpromised people. I've been trying to think of everything -- looking up low-cost dentistry on the web. I can't get over how expensive dental work is! Orthodontics and periodontic work were bad enough, but I now I feel like all of that has been a waste. I don't know how to get this done. I'm going to start crying as soon as I sit in my dentist's chair.

I don't understand what the "Samaritans" are. I assume some charity, but I've never heard of it.

It's good to hear from you again. ((((m)))))
EL
==============

I just went to get the mail and my T sent me a card and a drawing. It was so nice and touching. He is so precious. I still feel unwell (and really dizzy) but my heart hurts a little less. He's so good to me.

I feel extra bad about sending that email now. He already does more than enough for me. I wish my doctor cared about me as much. I can't stop crying. It's not even the scary kind of tears or anything -- I just can't stop. It started when I was reading the card. I think I just want one day where the only thing that happens is something nice. One day with no kinds of pain. I want a break so badly.

EL

 

Re: Why has this happened now? ***trigger ElaineM

Posted by canadagirl on July 31, 2006, at 17:13:22

In reply to Why has this happened now? ***trigger, posted by ElaineM on July 30, 2006, at 22:31:41

Please be kind to yourself for not SI; good for you, you hung in there, keep trying, keep hanging in there, it's only a few more days.

 

Samaritans ElaineM

Posted by 10derHeart on July 31, 2006, at 17:45:30

In reply to Mail ! (and muffled), posted by ElaineM on July 31, 2006, at 15:47:30

Hi Elaine,

>>I don't understand what the "Samaritans" are. I assume some charity, but I've never heard of it.<<

I don't think muffy will mind if I jump in for a moment to explain...not the first time I've done it..;-)

Samaritans is a society/organization in the UK dedicated to - in a nutshell - reducing suicide in our society by providing 24/7 emotional support for those in **any** kind of distress, by phone, email, letter, chat, text, etc. They explain it much better than I could...here...

http://www.samaritans.org.uk/know/about/about_mission_popup.shtm

Safe and completely anonymous....they are very well thought of, as far as I know. Please consider contacting them when you are feeling so terribly alone. It won't be just like Babble (what could be? we're uniquely wonderful, right?), but similar in the idea that a supposed group of *strangers* cares so much to volunteer to be there at any hour to listen and talk to suffering people, including and especially those with suicidal thoughts. At least check out their website.

[There *is* a Christian charity organization called Samaritan's Purse, which you may have heard of or been thinking of....two different things, though.]

ElaineM, I haven't posted to you before, so I hope this isn't too abrupt of an entrance. I've been reading along with most all your posts so I do know your story. I have prayed for you, and am constantly amazed by your resilience and ability to give to others here, despite all the terrible emotional and physical pain you are in. You are a wonderful addtion to the Babble community. I don't know what else to say, but know there is at least one (and I'd imagine quite a few more, too) silent Babbler who cares even if I don't write a thing. I'll try to do better, but sometimes it seems everyone's 'said it all,' or I get to a thread too late....

((ElaineM)) - hold on, reread your T's card and know he'll be back...

 

I needed that 10derHeart

Posted by ElaineM on July 31, 2006, at 19:22:59

In reply to Samaritans ElaineM, posted by 10derHeart on July 31, 2006, at 17:45:30

>>>>>>I haven't posted to you before, so I hope this isn't too abrupt of an entrance.

10derheart, you are sweet for being so senstive, but honestly, I'd never mind anyone jumping in. Actually, I'm kind of always amazed when people respond at all.

>>>>>I have prayed for you, and am constantly amazed by your resilience and ability to give to others here, despite all the terrible emotional and physical pain you are in.

This part moved me so much I thought I'd start up crying again. Thank you for saying something like that.

I have been reading the card again, like you said. Normally it would freak me out, but right now it kind of feels like a small life-line. I wish I had the guts to scan it cause I'd love some input on what he wrote, but I think I'd end up feeling too guilty. It was lovely enough for him to send it, moreso if he actually meant it -- I wouldn't want it mock his generosity or feelings. I didn't even know he could draw though. It's it's in color too. And the writing is done in almost caligraphy. I didn't know he was so artistic. I miss him. Sorry for gushing like a little kid, but this is the only nice thing I've had happen to me in ages. (and I'd like to be able to share good things with all of you too)

((((10der))))
Elaine

 

Re: Mail ! ElaineM

Posted by LadyBug on July 31, 2006, at 20:37:38

In reply to Mail ! (and muffled), posted by ElaineM on July 31, 2006, at 15:47:30

Wow El your card and drawing are awesome! I know how much it must mean to you right now as you struggle to have your T away and you are in so much pain. I wish I could reach through your monitor and fix your teeth for you. I can't imagine what the pain is like. I wish the dentist would at least start something for you in order to relieve the pain for awhile until you can come up with another plan. There has to be some help out there. You said you would consider the offer of your T lending you some money. Maybe that's not such a bad idea at the moment. It's critical that you get your teeth taken care of because the infection can spread to other parts of your body. I'm sure you already know that.
I think about you a lot and hope you getting through this time when he is away. When does he get back?
I saw my T last Thurs. and before that it had been 3 weeks due to her being gone out of state and my surgery etc. I miss her too. I am having surgery again tomorrow and I'm just praying I feel like going to see her on Thurs. when we have it planned. I miss her. She is my soft place to land and I need that.
I wish you the VERY best with your teeth and your health both mentally and physically. You deserve it.
Take care of yourself.
LadyBug

 

Re: Mail ! LadyBug

Posted by ElaineM on July 31, 2006, at 21:14:38

In reply to Re: Mail ! ElaineM, posted by LadyBug on July 31, 2006, at 20:37:38

Hi Ladybug: He told me that he'd be back some time this weekend. I know two weeks is not very long, but to me, three days is usually a long break. The card meant alot, cause I didn't expect it at all. And the post office marking (that they put over the stamp) said where it was mailed from, so I know where he is right now. I'll feel better keeping an eye on the weather where he is -- to know he's safe. silly silly.

I think I am desperate enough to do anything to fix my teeth. so much vertigo.

I had not forgotten that you had another surgery coming this week -- though I didn't know it was tomorrow! I'll be thinking of you (and how brave you're being). Perhaps your T would come see you this time if you needed to rest on Thursday. Whatever you're comfortable with.

Let me know how it goes, once your feeling better.
Best (healthy) wishes,
EL

 

Re: Why has this happened now? ***trigger

Posted by Karolina on August 1, 2006, at 22:36:43

In reply to Why has this happened now? ***trigger, posted by ElaineM on July 30, 2006, at 22:31:41

I'm sorry to just now be responding to your post but I've been thinking of you and wondering how you are. I am really sorry to hear about your dental complications, as written in one of the other posts, I kind of agree that maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to take your T up on that offer of money. He really sounds kind.

I'm also glad that you were able to hear from him, I know that must have made you feel better. I'm dealing with the same thing right now with my T being away and I'm wishing/hoping like crazy he'll send an email to just say hi at least. He was really kind about it while I was away at my internship, we seemed to email every other day for awhile and it always really helped.

I guess some of that could be considered outside the limits of therapy, but when I'm feeling so alone I don't even care, I just want and need some sort of attention from somebody. I really could relate to a lot of what you wrote about how you feel when you are alone, I really understand that feeling. Sometimes while I'm alone I can hear my thoughts as if I'm talking out loud, it's weird.

I wish you the best of luck with your dental problem and hope that you feel a lot better soon.

-Karolina-

 

she emailed me (and Karolina)

Posted by ElaineM on August 2, 2006, at 20:59:33

In reply to Re: Why has this happened now? ***trigger, posted by Karolina on August 1, 2006, at 22:36:43

Thanks Karolina: I know what you mean about needing to be "outside the limits" sometimes. I'm used to daily emails too. I hope your T contacts you. When I thought I wasn't going to hear from mine I just kept telling myself that he was busy having a great, relaxing time -- and I'd want him to have that, cause he deserves it. Especially dealing with me constantly ;-)

I feel silly needing support from you all with my teeth, but I'm really scared about all of it. I had a bad reaction to the novocaine the first time. Now I'm not even getting it done by a specialist -- plain old dentist said he'd try it and charge less. So, I don't have much of a choice. I'm really dreading Friday - and that's just one of them!! My cardiologist said that I don't have to be so gentle but I have a hard time breathing tipped upsidedown, and I faint (or close to it) every time I'm raised from a procedure. I'm worried something will happen. I wish it was already Saturday and I was posting on here that everything went well. So scared.

I've been really out of it today. I've got something to look after tomorrow that I'm kinda dreading too. It just seems like there is never an end to all the stuff happening to me.

Keep in touch though about how you're coping without your T. Thanks for thinking of me.

===========

I had one small good thing happen today too. (two things in a row kind of makes me feel like something terrible is just around the corner) I had emailed my ladyDoctor (who I'm done with) one night after posting here. I wasn't doing well and kinda desperate. I didn't think she'd be able to respond but still keep checking constantly, hoping that she would.

Today, I got a reply from her! It was really short, but she was nice. (I miss her so much) At the end though she threw in the line about, "....email is not appropriate...not confidential...better saved for face to face...". I tried to not let it hurt because I understand why she had to say it. I get it, but it still stung a little. I didn't let it take away from the niceness of the whole gesture though. She really didn't have to respond at all.

So I've just been using that to get through the day. Re-reading it like a little girl. Oh well. I'll take any small comfort I can get. And I'm so scared and sore and dizzy that I don't care how I find some relief. I wish I was with any of you. I want you all to come with me on Friday =:::(

hugs for everyone, EL

 

I'm so unwell *triggerish?

Posted by ElaineM on August 3, 2006, at 23:05:58

In reply to she emailed me (and Karolina), posted by ElaineM on August 2, 2006, at 20:59:33

======= health trigger? =======

I'm really scared. I go in tomorrow for the first tooth. I don't think he'll agree to attempt it anymore because it's so extensive -- because the vertigo and nausea are so bad. My eyes are going to burst from the pressure. I was sick to my stomach this afternoon (and nobody is comfortable when that's a symptom). I think the infection may be moving down my neck because the muscles in it seize up and I'm having a very very hard time swallowing solid food, but more importantly, pills too. (I hate writting medical-ish stuff out!)

I'm not confident in his ability to manage all my medical problems -- he's only a regular dentist! I don't mean to say he's incompetant or anything, but just that this is out of his skills range. But I don't have any options, or the right to be choosy...mouthy?....paranoid?...crazy.

My T is back tomorrow. My worst fear is that I lose consciousness and they pull all 3-5 teeth while I'm out of it -- as an emergency, executive decision. If he were here he'd help me. He wouldn't let anything bad happen, if it was preventable.

I don't know when I'll even be able to get back on the computer and read about the stuff that's going on with everyone here. I don't even know if what I've written makes sense, and my eyes can't take the brightness of the screen so I don't even want to read it over. I'm sooooo sick, and so completely terrified.

EL

 

Re: I'm so unwell *triggerish? ElaineM

Posted by muffled on August 3, 2006, at 23:16:18

In reply to I'm so unwell *triggerish?, posted by ElaineM on August 3, 2006, at 23:05:58

El,
Sorry your so scared.
Is there ANYone to go with you?
Have you told your dentist all whats wrong with you?
Make your wishes clear from the start. And your fears. They are trained in that kind of stuff too, cuz lotsa people are scared of dentists. Even just for cleanings and stuff. My Mom used to goto a hypnotist B4 dental work!
They do have lots of training.
My dentist is just a regular dentist, but she does extra stuff for me cuz she knows I can't afford specialists.
She's also allowed to prescribe meds.
If its too bad, you could goto hosp. and have it done under anesthetic.
Tooth infections do spread fast, but they seem to clear up fast. Are you on antibiotics?
My kids friends face TOTALLY swelled up, like HUGE, just overnite, but his reg. dentist fixed him up no prob.
I have had teeth pulled, I can still chew. Anything is better than the pain.
Can you take a nice bath?
Do something restful or distracting?
Sometimes just moaning aloud is good.
Hope you can post asap and let us know how it goes.
Take care,
You'll be ok.
Muffled

 

Re: thinking of you

Posted by caraher on August 4, 2006, at 5:12:24

In reply to I'm so unwell *triggerish?, posted by ElaineM on August 3, 2006, at 23:05:58

Sorry I can't go to the dentist with you... but I'm here hoping everything turns out OK. I'm glad your "lady doc" emailed you, and you derived comfort from that.

(((Elaine)))

 

wonky but here

Posted by ElaineM on August 4, 2006, at 14:03:25

In reply to Re: I'm so unwell *triggerish? ElaineM, posted by muffled on August 3, 2006, at 23:16:18

(((muff))),(((caraher))) It made me feel really good to see that you were both thinking of me. I didn't read your posts before I went, but on the way there, I was thinking of how I wished one of you all, was with me.

====== dental triggery, if you're sensitive to such things=======

I'm back. I went by myself and had to stay there while some of the wooziness left, and to make sure I wasn't going to faint. It was pretty brutal but I made it through. It took 1.5hours, and he had to sit me up twice cause I started to blackout. He said that I have really messed up teeth (like, sub-surface)which is so frustrating cause I had alot of work done to get a straight smile -- seems kind of pointless now. He went through my chart and read to me a part from 10 years ago, that said that certain teeth required preventive root canal therapy, even then. He said I've always had bad teeth genetically, and then the malnutrition and osteoporosis just pushed my mouth over the edge. I asked to not use nitrosoxide (which was what I had a reaction to last time, not novocaine). He froze me but because the nerve ending and canals were so infected and damaged, he hit active pulp 3 times. It's almost like a reflex action then. My whole body shuddered. The apoligized every time though which was nice. But because the tooth was already opened he had to inject right into the open nerve all three times -- it was like being tazered in the head.

It was rather complicated but he charged a few hundred less than the specialist (and I'm already one of the few uninsured who he's decided to let pay in installments). Mostly cause I have a bunch more teeth to go -- the bills are going to be massive.

So, I'm just continuing the antibiotics I've been on, but we noticed that it doesn't work as well as it used to cause I've been on it pretty much all the time since my first procedure in June. I hope the infection leaves my neck and sinuses really soon. I have to call him next week to start planning for the second one, and I've already pre-scheduled the followup session for the two ones done now (you have to wait a few weeks before replacing the temporary fillings) He also is watching the first tooth that the endodontist did that isn't "dead" like it should be -- he said he'd check it out next week too, and would call the guy himself to get him to fix it properly. AAHHHHHH!

I'm in so much pain now and am still dizzy, but I hope that he was able to completely repair this tooth -- I wish my mouth wasn't so complicated! (even my braces took six years. my ortho used to joke around with me about it)

BLAH, I feel like I just gave my entire dental history! And I thought my psych. file was a fat one! My T is actually back tomorrow (I got confused about what day it was). So he'll be reading my email saying that I'll take his money...Nervous and embarrassed. But, all the other teeth are uppers, which Dentist said are too complicated for him to attempt. I can't carry those costs alone. I'm trying not to think of how I'm going to be in crazy debt after this, but I don't really have a choice.

I'm pretty tired. I hope I get some relief for going through this. I'm scared that even after a day or two, the pain will still be there just as strong. (that's part of why I don't like using med's -- what if the last resort falls through?, or something) I even got a meeting, and an ultrasound out of the way yesterday, hoping that I'd feel comfortable enough to rest this weekend.

Thanks everyone for listening to such boring stuff. I'm glad to be back reading a little. I was kinda upset when I thought that I wouldn't be able to be back on here for awhile. Sometimes, when I think that I may end up in the hospital, one of the things I worry about is that I will not be able to talk to you all. That sounds a bit silly to me -- that this could matter to me so much -- but it's true.

EL

 

Re: wonky but here

Posted by caraher on August 4, 2006, at 14:24:28

In reply to wonky but here, posted by ElaineM on August 4, 2006, at 14:03:25

Hi Elaine,

It sounds like it went OK... could have been better, could have been worse. Did you notice that the dentist didn't treat you like a nobody? It may sound trivial to say of a dentist, but in whatever small way he's yet another person "on your side."

I understand how you feel about losing internet access, especially as isolated as you feel otherwise. It's not really silly at all! Speaking of which, I don't think I'll have any internet access next week (a vacation and not a hospital trip!).

 

True caraher

Posted by ElaineM on August 4, 2006, at 19:52:43

In reply to Re: wonky but here, posted by caraher on August 4, 2006, at 14:24:28

>>>>Did you notice that the dentist didn't treat you like a nobody?

I suppose that's true (grudgingly). It's hard to not feel like a walking dollar sign. To be honest, he is quite lovely. He was so concerned when I was sick with the anorexia. Earlier this year, he said how happy he and the women were to see me heavier. He said, Let me know when you're ready for me to buy you an ice-cream. He's known me since I was a little girl.

It's hard though to hear stories of his richness, or hear others paying a small percentage for their work -- I know it's only self-pity, but I can't help wishing I was in a better financial state. He wouldn't bat an eye tossing down a grand for something, but it kills me -- more every time.

But, that said, it's not lost on me that he was kind and as helpful as he could be. It's good that you remind me to notice things like that. Infact, he's also kind of therapeutic in a way. I've had a hard time letting anyone at all get that physically close to me. I'm so nuts that I don't even like the hairdresser. And you should've seen how much LadyDoctor had to work to let me let her near. THe first time after, when Dentist tried to work on me, I was shaking so violently that he said he was uncomfortable, cause he was worried that he was hurting me. I shake a bit less now, though I still flinch (even today) when he's so close that his body touches me. And to be embarasingly honest, I sometimes like that he is "hurtful" and nice at the same time. That he does something painful and then half a second later says Sorry. It's comforting, or enjoyable, or like a hug, in a way.(?) Crazy girl.

Vacation? How nice. "Not a hospital trip" is nice too ;-)

hugs, EL


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