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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sunnydays on July 31, 2006, at 20:46:43
I'm really hurting tonight. I suppose I need to talk to my T about it when I next see him, but right now I just am overwhelmed. There was one point where I was saying I didn't want to be angry because I was scared it would make me like a family member who goes into rages, and he was very supportive. And then he said something that I think he meant to be just teasing a little (he has this way of gently teasing me sometimes that makes me smile), but it really hurt me because it was just not a good time for it. He said, "So, you'll just decide to not be mad so you can prevent yourself from ever becoming like him?" and I said yes, and he said, "Well, there's a good idea." And I'm reasonably certain that he didn't mean it to be mean at all, but it just sounded really sarcastic. And I'm hurt. And I don't want to be hurt, because I really like him and he knows exactly the perfect thing to say most of the time, but I'm just really sensitive, I guess.
sunnydays
Posted by sunnydays on July 31, 2006, at 21:15:12
In reply to upset, posted by sunnydays on July 31, 2006, at 20:46:43
It hurts so much. I was just crying. Part of why I might be so upset is that we had to kind of end abruptly, where usually I have a little warning. And if I don't have warning, I do tend to get upset like this. But the pain is just unreal. And besides that, I'm going to melt from this heat and no A/C :(
sunnydays
Posted by ElaineM on July 31, 2006, at 22:05:37
In reply to upset, posted by sunnydays on July 31, 2006, at 20:46:43
(((((sunny))))), I know you are suffering. Even though you respond to other posts. Even though you still find enough inside to help me and send hugs. It sounds like alot of uncomfortable stuff is coming up now. I wish I could help you.
Sarcastic responses are tough things. Sometimes they make you laugh -- other times they only hurt. I'm sure he was just trying to point out an unhealthy response (though he might not have done so in the most sensitive way). He probably wanted you to know that it is okay to let anger out. I believe that your T would want more for you than to stifle yourself in any way.
He knows that the two of you have been working through your fear of him getting mad at you, and anger, so I think it would be good for you to mention this next time you see him.(like you said)
Drink lots of water.[sorry, that sounds dumb but it's true for when it's hot ;-)]
(((sd)))))
EL
Posted by Mme All Talk on August 1, 2006, at 17:18:00
In reply to Re: upset, posted by ElaineM on July 31, 2006, at 22:05:37
My only advice is, therapists are people too, and as such, they make mistakes in jufgement as to what to say sometimes. That said, I imagine what happenned was really a blow to you and as somebody who is incredibly sensitive, especially to her therapists words, I imagine that felt really awful. I would encourage you to bring up what was said (in a calm way) to your therapist when you next speak and tell him how you felt. Even if he beleives he said nothing wrong, at least you will get the chance to express your feelings which is what is most important. As for no AC- yikes, I dont know how warm it is where you are but it is so hot by me that they opened cooling centers for he next few days. I hope you live far from the east coast and where ever else it is broiling. And just as a note for you or anyone on medications, it is not healthy to be in the warmth when you are on meds, pdocs should tell you that. Anyway, find a way to stay cool, and confront your therapist, you'l feel better...
Posted by Estella on August 2, 2006, at 6:51:41
In reply to upset, posted by sunnydays on July 31, 2006, at 20:46:43
so instead of feeling angry you feel hurt?
I mean... you interpreted him as saying something sarcastic and instead of feeling angry you felt hurt.
maybe he wants to teach you that...
it can be okay to express anger. i think i would have looked a little cross in response to his comment. might have thrown a pillow at him. probably pouted a little (which is a bad habit).
i used to never feel anger. really... i didn't think i felt anger up until... DBT. those skills trainers used to make comments... and i'd feel angry. then right after i felt angry i'd feel so very embarrassed, ashamed, upset with myself. and hurt. hurt with them.
i think that there are appropriate times in which to express anger. if you see someone treating another person (or yourself) unjustly then anger is an appropriate response. there are also appropriate ways of expressing anger. looking a bit mad or saying 'when you do x i feel angry' or 'when you said that i felt a little annoyed that you weren't taking me seriously' or something.
but when you have only seen people express anger in destructive ways then it can be only too easy to come to think that anger is a destructive force and there is no use for it.
trouble is... sometimes repressing it can mean that you go kaboom every now and then (as i've discovered). or if you don't go kaboom every now and then... bottled anger can be something that leads to / contributes to depression.
bit of a lecture sorry. i'm still working through this stuff myself...
i guess i just mean to say... yeah he badly timed... or... he was trying to see whether you would feel a little annoyed with him. not sure.
can you talk to him about it?
Posted by muffled on August 2, 2006, at 19:30:27
In reply to Re: upset » sunnydays, posted by Estella on August 2, 2006, at 6:51:41
yeah, my T sometimes laughs at the wrong times.
But I like that she screws up and isn't perfect.
Then I don't got to be perfect either.
Sorry it hurts.
But its sounds like you got a good T.
Muffled
Posted by sunnydays on August 2, 2006, at 20:11:27
In reply to Re: upset, posted by ElaineM on July 31, 2006, at 22:05:37
Thanks, Elaine. That was exactly what I needed to hear that night. I really think he was just having an "off" moment, but it hurt. I will talk try to talk to him at our next session, although I'm not sure I'll be able to bring myself to.
sunnydays
Posted by sunnydays on August 2, 2006, at 20:12:33
In reply to Re: upset, posted by Mme All Talk on August 1, 2006, at 17:18:00
Thanks Mme All Talk. I really think he was just having an 'off' moment. I'm going to try to talk to him, and I'm pretty sure he'll apologize, since he apologizes for much lesser things. Thank you.
sunnydays
Posted by sunnydays on August 2, 2006, at 20:20:50
In reply to Re: upset » sunnydays, posted by Estella on August 2, 2006, at 6:51:41
That's a really, really interesting thing to think about. It really sounded like something my T might say. :) I have a serious problem with expressing anger, and that was part of what we talked about. I'm not even sure if I know what anger feels like if it's not so huge that it's gotten to almost the point of rage. But I think it is very interesting to think that anger would have been an appropriate response. I might talk to him about that at my next session. Thank you for the very thought-provoking reply.
sunnydays
Posted by sunnydays on August 2, 2006, at 20:28:52
In reply to Re: upset, posted by muffled on August 2, 2006, at 19:30:27
Thank you muffled. How are you? I haven't seen you post in a while. Yeah, I like it that my T is human. Although, sometimes I want him to be perfect and have a magic wand. And I haven't quite bought it that I don't have to be perfect all the time yet. Thank you for your support muffled. (((muffled)))
sunnydays
Posted by Estella on August 3, 2006, at 12:11:29
In reply to Re: upset » Estella, posted by sunnydays on August 2, 2006, at 20:20:50
> I have a serious problem with expressing anger
Yeah, me too.
(That is why I talked about 'appropriate' ways of expressing it. Sometimes... We need to learn 'appropriate' ways of expressing and 'appropriate' circumstances of expression in order for us to express...)
I have been reading about the strategic role of emotions. Sometimes... Expressing emotion isn't so much about how you feel... It can be about expressing what is 'appropriate' given the circumstances.
For example... You interpreted him as not taking your comment seriously, but it was something that you took seriously at the time of expression.
Rationally... From the way you interpreted... It would be 'normal' or 'understandable' or 'reasonable' even for you to feel a little cross...
Hence... If you say something along the lines of 'when you said x I felt a little cross' is appropriate. It is a way of cueing people in so that you aren't a person who will let people take advantage of them... Or something. Dunno... Still working this out.
> But I think it is very interesting to think that anger would have been an appropriate response.
Yes, I think annoyance would have been. You can think of a hierarchy of intensity...
Annoyance
Anger
Rage
There are probably more... I think sometimes it is about expressing annoyance / irritation before it builds to anger or outright rage. I tend to repress annoyance / irritation and then it builds... To something beyond rage and I go kaboom. And / or... I feel suicidal along the way for feeling such 'bad' feelings. If we have only seen people explode... Then it can be harder to know how to express the milder forms of the emotions before they become very intense indeed and kaboom is iminant... Hard...
Posted by canadagirl on August 3, 2006, at 16:36:42
In reply to Re: upset » sunnydays, posted by Estella on August 3, 2006, at 12:11:29
I think sarcasm is pretty much right up there with condescension.
Both of which I have experienced. Ugh.
Posted by sunnydays on August 3, 2006, at 19:48:54
In reply to Re: upset, posted by canadagirl on August 3, 2006, at 16:36:42
Well, I did it. And I feel really good about it now. He was very apologetic - he actually looked like he was going to cry a couple times. He explained it, and I'm feeling much better. Thank you everyone for your support.
sunnydays
Posted by Estella on August 3, 2006, at 23:52:00
In reply to I talked to him, posted by sunnydays on August 3, 2006, at 19:48:54
Phew :-)
I'm glad it worked out well for you and you are feeling better now.
This is the end of the thread.
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