Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 671224

Shown: posts 1 to 25 of 25. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

I really am sorry and I am really scared..

Posted by happyflower on July 27, 2006, at 20:37:55

First of all, I have been acting really badly lately torwards Emmy and others, I was totally lost my head, I was mean, and I am really sorry and would like to apologize to everyone for my actions. I really am not such a horrible person, even though my actions seemed like I was.

This is no excuse for my recent actions, and I feel a little afraid to say I need some support but I am really feeling so angry and so sad, I don't know what to do. I am lashing out to internent people, not anyone in my real life though which is the only good thing about it I guess.

I am scared of my mom. She has threatened to harm me in the last month and it totally has me frightened. Our family reunion is coming up in a couple of weeks, and I am afraid she is going to drive up from out of state. I am not going to the reunion, even though I would like to, but with my mom threatening me It wouldn't be a good situtation. But she could still end up at my door and that really scary because I know she is armed and very mentally unstable. Most of you know my child abuse story, but this seems different because it isn't the past I am worried about , it is the future.

I believe with my mother and the state of my marriage, I do not feel safe. I am angered with rage that it is controlling my life. I hate her, I hate being scared of her. I hate that my DH cheated on my for over a year. The only way to not be scared is if she was truely gone. Until then there will always be this scary threat of my losing my life or her killing my family and then making me suffer for it for the rest of my life. I can't do anything legally, I have already talked to my lawyer.

But I guess what is bothering me, is that I was doing so well now over the last year. I am so much stonger and living life so much better. But now I feel like I lost my safety with my DH, I could count on him to hold me until I feel safe. Now that is gone, I feel so alone and scared. I feel like that little girl who used to hide out in the woods all day from my mom until my dad would come home were I would be safe.

Maybe this is part of the steps of getting over abuse, maybe it is I am just triggered, I don't know. I haven't been exercising this week, I am not running the race on Sat. due to an heal spur, and I have been laying around watching TV (which I rarely do normally), and just crying, crying myself to sleep, I am not sleeping well, I wake up after 2 hours and can't get back to sleep. At least I am not having any nightmares the last couple of weeks. I am emotionally eating and without exercising , this is double trouble. I just feel like hibernating from everything. I don't like going to the gym because people know me there now, and they keep asking me what is wrong, or they say hey, where is that smile? This isn't someting I can tell them. So I say I am okay, just tired, which is partually true.

I do see my T tomorrow, which I am glad about. But then he is on vacation in 2 weeks, then the following week I am going on a road trip out of state with my family for a week, so if I can't get in to see my T next week, which I don't have an appointment, it will be 3 weeks without my T . I don't know what I am going to do without his support.

So I feel like I am drowning. I don't know how to get over my anger, it is so intense. I was never allowed to have anger as a child, now I feel emotions, especially the bad ones, and i don't know how to deal with it. Well I know not to let it build up so I explode. But it feels like it is built up now for weeks, and it doesn't seem to quiet down.

So I guess I dont' know why I am writing, I feel I have made a lot of enemies here on Babble, and I wasn't going to come back, but I am reaching out, but I am scared of doing so, I just don't know what else to do.

 

Re: I really am sorry and I am really scared.. happyflower

Posted by annierose on July 27, 2006, at 20:50:38

In reply to I really am sorry and I am really scared.., posted by happyflower on July 27, 2006, at 20:37:55

(((((((((((happyflower)))))))))))))

I do not know that you made enemies, you made have hurt someone feelings, but people forgive and move forward.

I was happy to see your name, to know that you are back, but sadden to read how hurt you feel right now. I think it wise not to attend your family reunion. That's sad too.

I know about missing our therapist when they go on vacation. It's hard.

I'm thinking of you and hope this unhappy time passes for you. Watch your children as they sleep. That tends to bring a smile to my face. Also, when I can't sleep at night, I'll snuggle with my daughter. I listen to her breathing and before I know it, morning has come.

 

Re: I really am sorry and I am really scared.. happyflower

Posted by llrrrpp on July 27, 2006, at 20:54:21

In reply to I really am sorry and I am really scared.., posted by happyflower on July 27, 2006, at 20:37:55

hi Happyflower,
I'm so sorry that you're feeling bad. It sounds like depression, all right. Is there any chance that you can take a trip to get out of town during the time when you're most scared about your mom showing up at your door? or at least stay with a friend or go camping at the nearest state park?

And of course you are missing your T and stressed out about being away from him the next two weeks. That's really tough. Try your hardest to keep your head above water, but don't be ashamed to wear a lifejacket if you need to.

It's wonderful that you've made so much progress and were doing so well over the last year. Think about how far you've come. If you can help yourself feel better despite earlier challenges and trauma, you have the stuff to make it through this stuff too. Sometimes it's two steps forwards and one step back. Just try to remember that it's not inevitable that you will feel this way forever. You'll make it through this.

Try to look forward to your trip in a week. Do your best to stay busy and get out of the house. Can you do something nice for yourself, like get your hair done, or buy a new pair of shoes? Maybe some of those cute 1 dollar sized toiletries for your trip? Those always cheer me up :)

Sorry you're feeling crummy. Hang in there,
-ll

 

Re: I really am sorry and I am really scared.. happyflower

Posted by Dinah on July 27, 2006, at 20:56:47

In reply to I really am sorry and I am really scared.., posted by happyflower on July 27, 2006, at 20:37:55

I agree that it's wise not to attend the reunion. Is there some way you can arrange to be out of town if you know she's in town?

Why do these things always happen when our therapists are away? I hope you can manage to see him next week.

I wish there was something you could legally do to protect yourself. You've looked into restraining orders?

 

Re: I really am sorry and I am really scared.. happyflower

Posted by Tabitha on July 27, 2006, at 23:24:03

In reply to I really am sorry and I am really scared.., posted by happyflower on July 27, 2006, at 20:37:55

Hey Happy, I'm really noticing a change in you. You seem very clear about what you're feeling, and you have good insights into how it's bringing up feelings from the past. You seem a lot more real than when you were in more of an 'up' mood and focusing so much on your therapist. I like the real Happy, although maybe it doesn't feel so good to you right now.

To offer encouragement, I'd say that once you get the connection between the past and the present feelings, then you know where you need to do some healing. You can heal those old wounds that are exposed by the loss of your safe harbor. Just reconnecting with the old pain is a good thing, because it allows you to start grieving. As long as that old pain is hidden, it just messes up your life in ways you don't understand. So it's a positive thing that you're connecting with that hurting little girl. Then you can learn to grieve with her, comfort her, and create that safe harbor for her. It feels awful going through those old feelings, but you can do it. You'll end up stronger, happier, and more whole.

 

Re: I really am sorry and I am really scared.. annierose

Posted by happyflower on July 28, 2006, at 6:51:41

In reply to Re: I really am sorry and I am really scared.. happyflower, posted by annierose on July 27, 2006, at 20:50:38

Thanks Annie,

I remember watching my babies sleep, there isn't anything more peaceful than that. It makes me cry a soup of tears thinking about that, but sometimes that is what is needed to remember what I do have. Thanks, annie.

 

Re: I really am sorry and I am really scared..

Posted by happyflower on July 28, 2006, at 7:02:30

In reply to Re: I really am sorry and I am really scared.. happyflower, posted by llrrrpp on July 27, 2006, at 20:54:21


Is there any chance that you can take a trip to get out of town during the time when you're most scared about your mom showing up at your door? or at least stay with a friend or go camping at the nearest state park?

we are coming home the the same week from a trip to my MIL's , we tried for the that same week, but my DH couldn't get it off. I think I am going to be a nervous wreak all that week, heck I am a nervous wreak now.
>
> And of course you are missing your T and stressed out about being away from him the next two weeks. That's really tough. Try your hardest to keep your head above water, but don't be ashamed to wear a lifejacket if you need to.

I am trying , but I feel like a rip current has taken me away from safety.

> >
> Try to look forward to your trip in a week. Do your best to stay busy and get out of the house. Can you do something nice for yourself, like get your hair done, or buy a new pair of shoes? Maybe some of those cute 1 dollar sized toiletries for your trip? Those always cheer me up :)

Thanks for your encouragement, I am really trying, but it is so hard. The trip I have been talking about is to my inlaws, who my MIL HATES me. It is our first trip since she moved away, and she is really causing a big stink because we are staying in a hotel instead of her house. I can barely stand 4 hours with her, but 24/7 would have my nerves fried. I try to hold my tongue on her comments, but sometimes I just need to let loose. LOL Hopefully she will be nicer since it has been almost 2 years. It will be nice to see my FIL, he is sweetie. Thanks llrrrppy!


 

above post for llrrrpp (boy am I out of practice) (nm)

Posted by happyflower on July 28, 2006, at 7:03:27

In reply to Re: I really am sorry and I am really scared.. happyflower, posted by Dinah on July 27, 2006, at 20:56:47

 

Re: I really am sorry and I am really scared.. Dinah

Posted by happyflower on July 28, 2006, at 7:14:04

In reply to Re: I really am sorry and I am really scared.. happyflower, posted by Dinah on July 27, 2006, at 20:56:47

I really wish I could get restraining order, but her last physically abuse was more than 7 years ago, and in my state you almost have to hurt you first in order to get a protection order. I could even have threatening letters, threats on my answering service, but I still couldn't get one. But she is mentally thinkingis unstable anyways, so I doubt it would keep her from harming me or my family if she wanted to. If anything it might set her off. My T says she is one scary b*tch. He said this after about 3 months of therapy, I was so shocked he said that, but he is right.
I know I am getting all worked up for something that might not happen, but it seems like I can't help it, I am feeling the axiety throughout my body. My normal coping mech. are not working. I don't drink or do drugs, so all I have is yoga, and it isn't working.

My poems are really raw feeling emotions, most I couldn't post on the boards. They are about my T , my DH and my mother, and Andrea Yates. Writing ususally calms me down, but I just can't get rid of the anger of being scared. I am so mad that she can still do this to me. I guess that is what it is , I am mad that she can make me feel like this. I guess the roots of those feelings go deep, because I can't shake them. AAAUUUGGHHHH! I just want to hide under my T's desk for a month, do you think he will let me?

 

Re: I really am sorry and I am really scared.. Tabitha

Posted by happyflower on July 28, 2006, at 7:17:39

In reply to Re: I really am sorry and I am really scared.. happyflower, posted by Tabitha on July 27, 2006, at 23:24:03

Hi Tabitha,

I am trying to understand everything you wrote, but my mind isn't working very well, I am having trouble focusing.
I guess I admit I am surpried that you see a change in me. I guess I have a lot of history here. I do appreciate that you are noticing. I am not sure what it all means, I am still trying to figure that out. Thanks for your support, I will try to read more of your post after my T appointment today.

 

Re: I really am sorry and I am really scared..

Posted by LadyBug on July 28, 2006, at 9:01:00

In reply to I really am sorry and I am really scared.., posted by happyflower on July 27, 2006, at 20:37:55

I've missed you.
I had surgery last week and my mind isn't the best right now.
I do wish you could go out of town during the time your mom is going to be near by. That would eliminate a lot of fear for you. Is that possible?
It takes a brave person to talk about strong issues and try to seek help for them. Keep trying and never give up. How's your T?
Hugs
LadyBug

 

Re: I really am sorry and I am really scared.. happyflower

Posted by ElaineM on July 28, 2006, at 10:14:39

In reply to I really am sorry and I am really scared.., posted by happyflower on July 27, 2006, at 20:37:55

Happy, I'm glad to hear from you again -- although I wish it was under better conditions. I think it's a really good idea for you to not go to the reunion -- although it's hard to give up seeing everyone else, you're making a choice that you need to inorder to protect yourself, and you little ones. How brave of you.

Heal spurs are the worst. I used to get them when I was highland dancing, and they just shoot lightening up your entire body. Try not to feel too bad about not exercising right now. Unfortunately, resting your foot is the best thing. I know how important your running is to you though, in helping you cope and feel good. Try and keep reminding yourself that you are only taking a necessary break from it all -- you'll start again when you're able.

I don't know what to say about how to cope with the anger. It scares me too. I'm glad you are writing here again. I hope you get the extra appointment with your T next week. Vacations are maddening. So many posters are dealing with that right now, myself included, and there's not much that you can do for someone else then except listen. We can't take the place of your T's ears, but usually it's better than nothing.

Not a very constructive post, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you.

hugs, ELaine

 

I am back from seeing my T

Posted by happyflower on July 28, 2006, at 12:33:58

In reply to Re: I really am sorry and I am really scared.. happyflower, posted by ElaineM on July 28, 2006, at 10:14:39

I feel a little better. I did get an appointment in 10 days, what a relief, I was scared to even ask. I thought he was taking a whole week off, but he is working on the Monday of that week I thought he was gone. Well that is better than 3 weeks.
He could tell right away I had a lot on my mind. But I couldn't get to what was really bothering me until the last 15 minutes. I think he knew what I was doing because he kept changing the subject then finally I just came right out and said what was on my mind.

He did agree that my mom is a threat and we talked about safety issues that I needed to do especially over that one weekend. We have talked about this stuff before on what I need to do physically to stay safe.

But the emotional safe that I need that normally would get from my husband isn't there. I told him I feel all alone and I just want to hide from the world right now. He did agree that emotionally my DH is not helping me deal with this or anything else for over the last year. He doesn't belive my DH would put me in physical danger like if my mom showed up at my door, which I agreed. I guess one thing is that I am not physically alone, so maybe that is better than being totally alone. Well we basicaly ran out of time by then.
He could see that I am not thinking clearly and my concentration is off. I told him I didn't want to go the gym because I wanted to be alone. He said he knows how much exercise means to me so I needed to try at least do it outside away from the gym.
We talked about my writings, and he said poetry is meant to get a response. We talked about internet groups and how you just don't know who you are dealing with out there. He said getting my feelings out is good, and not to feel so bad if others finds my writings too controversial. I wouldn't tell him where my writing are. LOL

So I guess all and all, I feel a little better, I am relieved that I can see him in 10 days instead of 3 weeks especially before visiting my MIL from Hell. LOL
We talked a little about insurance coverage and I told him I wanted to be done with therapy by the end of the year. He said maybe, then I said well who knows.
Thanks everyone, it feels good just to get some of this off my chest. ;-)
Hugs,
Happyflower

 

Re: I really am sorry and I am really scared..

Posted by happyflower on July 28, 2006, at 12:38:37

In reply to Re: I really am sorry and I am really scared.., posted by LadyBug on July 28, 2006, at 9:01:00

Hi Ladybug,

I have missed you too. ;-) I wish I could go away for the weekend too, but we are going to short on money after seeing my inlaws. Heck we really don't have the money to see them, if my FIL wasn't doing so bad, I would have prefered to wait a few months.
Well I will have my doors locked and the kids away from the front yard. My T said I will be feeling like this for a while, he actually understands it. My fears arent' totally irreactional.
How is my T ? I didn't ask him! LOL But he still looked cute, in a new shirt. ;-)

 

post above for ladybug, I forgot again! aauughgh! (nm)

Posted by happyflower on July 28, 2006, at 12:39:44

In reply to Re: I really am sorry and I am really scared.. happyflower, posted by ElaineM on July 28, 2006, at 10:14:39

 

Re: I really am sorry and I am really scared.. ElaineM

Posted by happyflower on July 28, 2006, at 12:43:14

In reply to Re: I really am sorry and I am really scared.. happyflower, posted by ElaineM on July 28, 2006, at 10:14:39

Hi Elaine,

It is nice to hear from you, I have been following your situation over last couple of weeks. How are you feeling now withyour T out of town? Are you handling it okay?

Heal spurs do hurt, I couldn't even walk on my one foot for a couple of days. I was hobbling around like an old lady. LOL My podeitrist does ultra sound treatments, and that has helped sooo much. ;-)

You know I think I am glad to be back, I have missed so many people and I am surprised some of you will even talk again to me. That means a lot. I am learning, I really am.

 

My T is acting different lately

Posted by happyflower on July 28, 2006, at 20:45:24

In reply to Re: I really am sorry and I am really scared.. ElaineM, posted by happyflower on July 28, 2006, at 12:43:14

A couple of months ago when I had my big blowup and couldnt' get in to see my T , I told him on a phone message that he isn't compassionate about my situation.

Well lately he has been almost repeating back to me what I say I am feeling and telling me it is okay to feel that way or understandable to feel this way. It just feel weird for him to do this now. Does your T's do this?

 

Re: My T is acting different lately happyflower

Posted by ElaineM on July 28, 2006, at 22:34:48

In reply to My T is acting different lately, posted by happyflower on July 28, 2006, at 20:45:24

My LadyT used to talk like that. I think your T heard what you were saying before and is trying to be more supportive now -- that he's trying to take your comment as advice, and be more compassionate. He probably senses you need it right now. I think this is something really good!

Do you know why it seems weird to you? Is it that you're not used to having the feelings you've been expressing lately, being validated?

 

Re: I really am sorry and I am really scared..

Posted by llrrrpp on July 28, 2006, at 22:56:14

In reply to Re: I really am sorry and I am really scared.. ElaineM, posted by happyflower on July 28, 2006, at 12:43:14

I'm glad that your T can see you in 10 days. that's good. And I don't know enough about your situation, but you write about your DH as if his infidelity is in the past. My assumption is that he's trying to patch things up in his marriage to you, and if so, I agree with T that he will keep you physically safe from your abusive mother.

So sorry about the MIL situation. thank goodness you're staying in a hotel. I hope the hotel has a pool. if so, you can bring your children, and they will frolic, and you can pick up a few new freckles, and forget the reason for your visit. Think of it as a family vacation (with bonus MIL encounters). Remember that she has no power over you, annoying as she may be. At the end of the day, you can go back to your Holiday Inn, and rejoice in your freedom.

((((happyflower))))

-ll

 

Re: thanks (nm) happyflower

Posted by Dr. Bob on July 29, 2006, at 1:05:38

In reply to I really am sorry and I am really scared.., posted by happyflower on July 27, 2006, at 20:37:55

 

Re: My T is acting different lately happyflower

Posted by madeline on July 29, 2006, at 5:49:44

In reply to My T is acting different lately, posted by happyflower on July 28, 2006, at 20:45:24

Hello Happyflower!

I am so glad to see you back, you are always welcome here as far as I'm concerned.

My therapist frequently validates the way I feel and is really does kind of make me feel less "crazy".

I hope things continue to go well with your T and that you continue to be strong.

Take good care of yourself

Maddie.

 

Re: My T is acting different lately ElaineM

Posted by happyflower on July 29, 2006, at 12:47:07

In reply to Re: My T is acting different lately happyflower, posted by ElaineM on July 28, 2006, at 22:34:48

I am not sure why it seems weird to me for him to validate me like this. It almost seemes "unnatural" with him doing this like this. I guess it is the repeating back what I say instead of just saying something supportive. The first time he did this, I just looked at him, like what? You are acting like a therapist today instead of friendlike. Who knows maybe it is just me.

 

Re: I really am sorry and I am really scared.. llrrrpp

Posted by happyflower on July 29, 2006, at 12:54:47

In reply to Re: I really am sorry and I am really scared.., posted by llrrrpp on July 28, 2006, at 22:56:14

Hi llrrrpp,

I guess I am talking about my DH affair like in the past because the affair is over. It is a long story but he did ask for another chance. I told him he needed to get into therapy before he can even think of having sex with me again. Plus I want him to have a blood workup to make sure he doesn't have any crotch critters. I don't know if he plans on doing any of this, he is still not wanting to talk about his actions.

So I have a lot of built up anger inside, and I don't know how to get it out in a healthy way.

And yes we are staying in a Holiday Inn Express, (they have good breakfasts) LOL Cinnamin Rolls!!!! And a workout room, where I can work them off before they turn to fat rolls. LOL The pool with be great for the kids, they love that. Plus we can do what we want when we want to. It is well worth the 55 bucks a night for my sanity. ;-) Plus there is a cool garden at the Biltmore House where i can escape to. ;-)

 

Re: My T is acting different lately

Posted by happyflower on July 29, 2006, at 13:00:47

In reply to Re: My T is acting different lately happyflower, posted by madeline on July 29, 2006, at 5:49:44

Hi Maddie,

Thanks for the support! ;-) So hows your love life going? Is that younger man available? Does he like 37 yr olds? LOL

 

above for Maddie (nm) happyflower

Posted by happyflower on July 29, 2006, at 13:01:24

In reply to Re: I really am sorry and I am really scared.. llrrrpp, posted by happyflower on July 29, 2006, at 12:54:47


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