Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 670121

Shown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

worried...

Posted by sunnydays on July 24, 2006, at 19:03:35

So I had a session with my T today, and he was really nice. So why am I now scared he's mad at me? We talked about how things that were done to me in the past were not my fault, and how I need to start challenging those thoughts in my head. And we talked about how it won't make sense that it happened, but that that's okay that it doesn't make sense. But now I'm scared he's mad at me. And there's no reason for it. But I'm scared. I don't like this.

sunnydays

 

Re: worried...

Posted by sunnydays on July 24, 2006, at 20:26:23

In reply to worried..., posted by sunnydays on July 24, 2006, at 19:03:35

I want to cry. I want to cry so bad. But there are no tears. I make those crying noises, my face scrunches up, but I can't cry. I want to cry tonight. I just need a good cry. Does anyone know how to make yourself cry? And I don't have access to any sappy movies. I am just in so much pain right now, and I need to release it. Aaaaagh.

sunnydays

 

Re: worried... sunnydays

Posted by llrrrpp on July 24, 2006, at 21:46:26

In reply to Re: worried..., posted by sunnydays on July 24, 2006, at 20:26:23

Hi Sunny,
I may be WAY off base here. Is it possible that your session today had the effect of stirring up some powerful feelings that you weren't quite capable of coping with? You tried your best to figure them out, but the best you could come up with was that T is angry with you?

At any rate, I'm so sorry you're feeling crummy. It sounds like you have some interesting material to discuss with your T next session. I hope you'll be strong enough to bring it up- your feelings that he's mad at you. I bet there's a lot that you can learn about yourself if you get this kind of discussion going.

hugs for you- I hope that's okay. (((sunnydays)))
yours,
ll

 

Re: worried... trigger? llrrrpp

Posted by sunnydays on July 24, 2006, at 21:55:58

In reply to Re: worried... sunnydays, posted by llrrrpp on July 24, 2006, at 21:46:26

Thanks llrrrp. I think you're right. These feelings are SOOOOOOOO powerful, and I am not used to feeling anything at all, period, so it's really hard. And I kind of already brought it up, because I sent him an email, but he won't reply until our next session. I just hate feeling so absolutely desperate like this, because I don't know what to do with myself. I want to hurt myself just to give the pain some purpose, but I won't. I hurt myself accidentally jumping over a fence this weekend, so that hurts enough. I'm just not so good with feelings. I really want to be, but I'm still too scared of them. Bad things have happened in the past when I've allowed myself to feel. But I have to keep reminding myself it wasn't because I allowed myself to feel, but because the people I was with were too screwed up to handle it.

I really want to cry. I just can't. And I hate that feeling where the tears sit behind your eyes and won't come out no matter what.

Thank you for responding.

sunnydays

 

Re: worried...

Posted by sunnydays on July 24, 2006, at 22:23:29

In reply to Re: worried... trigger? llrrrpp, posted by sunnydays on July 24, 2006, at 21:55:58

Sorry for posting so much. I just feel really really desperate right now. I'm not used to feeling anything this strongly. And it won't go away. I don't like this.

sunnydays

 

Re: worried... sunnydays

Posted by sleepygirl on July 24, 2006, at 22:30:11

In reply to Re: worried..., posted by sunnydays on July 24, 2006, at 22:23:29

There have been a bunch of times when, after a session, I have been left with some very uncomfortable feelings that I couldn't quite understand. I suppose you're gonna have to sort out with your T what your feelings happened to be about.
For me, it was about my own anger I couldn't acknowledge and some accompanying panic.

I guess you'll have to talk about what you imagine he could be angry about...and go from there.
I usually ended up leaving messages on the machine because I was so uncomfortable.
I hope you can resolve it soon...hang in there
all the best,
sg

 

Re: worried... sunnydays

Posted by llrrrpp on July 24, 2006, at 22:35:35

In reply to Re: worried..., posted by sunnydays on July 24, 2006, at 22:23:29

No, Sunny, it's okay to be posting. Hang in there. Can you do something distracting? Maybe watch a movie, read a book? Take a walk (I don't know if it's still daylight where you live). A hot bath might help relax you, so that you can get some rest, or perhaps some house cleaning to get that anxious feeling out? Do you have a housepet you can play with? Petting animals can be very soothing.

-ll

I know this feeling will pass. Stay strong and be safe. It will be okay. I've been there. Just keep yourself busy until bedtime and try to get some rest. hugs for you (((sunnydays)))

 

Re: worried...

Posted by Daisym on July 24, 2006, at 23:59:29

In reply to worried..., posted by sunnydays on July 24, 2006, at 19:03:35

>>>>>So I had a session with my T today, and he was really nice. So why am I now scared he's mad at me? We talked about how things that were done to me in the past were not my fault, and how I need to start challenging those thoughts in my head. And we talked about how it won't make sense that it happened, but that that's okay that it doesn't make sense. But now I'm scared he's mad at me. And there's no reason for it. But I'm scared. I don't like this.

<<<<<If you are anything like me, the idea that I need to start challenging those thoughts, which are powerfully ingrained, gets twisted into, "you are wrong and bad to not already know it isn't your fault." I feel like I've revealed myself as a whiny victim who can't rise above it all and say calmly, "yes, it was horrible, but I'm past it. It wasn't my fault and there is nothing to be done now except accept that bad things happen, and move on." (Legs crossed, hands folded.) I HATE myself when the honest part pushes up and screams, "WHY?! Why did this happen to me? It doesn't make sense, there isn't a good reason...I NEED a good reason." Which really means I can't accept the random brutality that runs rampant in our world. I need the world to make sense. If it doesn't, how on earth will I ever be able to completely control things?!

I will wrestle that bone again and again...and ultimately reach the conclusion that my therapist is sick of me "whining" and is mad at me for not moving along faster in my healing.

And I think the idea of feeling angry and projecting it onto your therapist is certainly a possibility.

Sitting with all these old, intense feelings is really hard. What has helped before? I write...and write...and write. But I also don't have to sit with them alone for very long. I'm glad you posted so that you aren't alone with them either. Hang in there. It will ease off.

 

Re: worried... sleepygirl

Posted by sunnydays on July 25, 2006, at 9:44:49

In reply to Re: worried... sunnydays, posted by sleepygirl on July 24, 2006, at 22:30:11

Thanks for your response. I don't think it's about my own anger... although, it's possible, i guess. I do have a lot of problems acknowledging when I'm angry. But I think it was more panic that my T would leave me. I ended up leaving a message for him. Thank you.

sunnydays

 

Re: worried... llrrrpp

Posted by sunnydays on July 25, 2006, at 9:45:39

In reply to Re: worried... sunnydays, posted by llrrrpp on July 24, 2006, at 22:35:35

Thank you so much llrrrp. Your post was exactly what I needed to hear last night. I went to bed shortly after I read it. Thank you.

sunnydays

 

Re: worried... Daisym

Posted by sunnydays on July 25, 2006, at 9:52:30

In reply to Re: worried..., posted by Daisym on July 24, 2006, at 23:59:29

<<<<<If you are anything like me, the idea that I need to start challenging those thoughts, which are powerfully ingrained, gets twisted into, "you are wrong and bad to not already know it isn't your fault."

**** Yes, exactly. And it just feels like so much pressure, even though I know he's not trying to pressure me. It's just a goal to work towards. Why can't my logic ever mesh with my emotions??

>>>>I feel like I've revealed myself as a whiny victim who can't rise above it all and say calmly, "yes, it was horrible, but I'm past it. It wasn't my fault and there is nothing to be done now except accept that bad things happen, and move on." (Legs crossed, hands folded.)

***** I've tried to say that, but I can't believe it yet. It's so hard to be past it. For a long time I thought I was, but I guess not, since I'm in therapy now.

>>>>>I HATE myself when the honest part pushes up and screams, "WHY?! Why did this happen to me? It doesn't make sense, there isn't a good reason...I NEED a good reason." Which really means I can't accept the random brutality that runs rampant in our world. I need the world to make sense. If it doesn't, how on earth will I ever be able to completely control things?!


***** That's exactly the problem for me. I NEED to control things. If I can't, it's scary and things can happen that I don't expect. We were talking yesterday how I really need the world to make sense, but it just doesn't sometimes.

> I will wrestle that bone again and again...and ultimately reach the conclusion that my therapist is sick of me "whining" and is mad at me for not moving along faster in my healing.

****** Yes. I am so scared he'll get sick of me. And we just set up twice a week sessions for a little while, and I'm doubly scared that he'll get sick of me now. And I left him a message last night, so now I'm feeling like I'm really whiny and pathetic.

> And I think the idea of feeling angry and projecting it onto your therapist is certainly a possibility.

***** I'm not sure - maybe. I just am not sure what I'm angry about. It's hard for me even to know what anger feels like, because I'm so not familiar with it because I'm used to only seeing rage, that maybe I just don't know I'm angry.

> Sitting with all these old, intense feelings is really hard. What has helped before? I write...and write...and write. But I also don't have to sit with them alone for very long. I'm glad you posted so that you aren't alone with them either. Hang in there. It will ease off.

**** Usually I write to my T, but I was feeling so pathetic that I couldn't bring myself to do that. I ended up leaving him a message, and I hope he doesn't get mad at me for that.

sunnydays

 

Re: worried... sunnydays

Posted by llrrrpp on July 25, 2006, at 10:18:25

In reply to Re: worried... llrrrpp, posted by sunnydays on July 25, 2006, at 9:45:39

> Thank you so much llrrrp. Your post was exactly what I needed to hear last night. I went to bed shortly after I read it. Thank you.
>
> sunnydays

Aww, Thank you Sunny. It really warms my heart that I could do something to help. And I'm grateful that you let me know that too. I hope you're feeling a little better today. :)

I think that if your T was getting sick of your "whining" he wouldn't have agreed to set up biweekly sessions, would he? Don't be so hard on yourself. Your T has probably seen it all. You're not the only one who has problems that don't seem like they get solved instantly. If they were easy problems, you would have fixed them by yourself long ago. It's his job to listen to you and help you, and that's what he's doing. Keep up the hard work. You're going to make it through to the other side, and you'll be so much stronger for it.

yours,
-ll

 

Re: worried... sunnydays

Posted by Racer on July 25, 2006, at 21:07:51

In reply to worried..., posted by sunnydays on July 24, 2006, at 19:03:35

Hi, Sunny. I didn't have time to read all these answers, so I apologize if someone else has already suggested any of this.

First, are you sure what you're feeling is fear that your T is angry with you? If you're not used to feeling, you may not be on a first name basis with your feelings, and may mistake one for another. FallsFall showed me "Emotional Confetti," which is really helpful. Cut up a sheet of emotion names, into individual emotions, and then dump them on the floor or a table. Pick them up, one by one, and ask yourself if that's what you're feeling? Put the things that you are feeling on one side, the others elsewhere. That way, you'll get some practice with identifying what you're really feeling. You'd be surprised -- I thought is was just silly, but I found out that I really wasn't identifying my feelings very well. And even while doing it, I can pick up an emotion and think that's what I'm feeling, only to find that another emotion fits much better once I find it. Maybe being able to name your emotion better will help you cope.

It's kinda like one of the things people with chronic pain are sometimes advised to do: think about and describe your pain. Feel it, concentrate on it, what exactly are you feeling? It sounds counterintuitive, but it actually does help reduce the subjective experience of pain.

Also, it sounds as though you might be experiencing a sort of transference. Could it be that you've been blamed in the past for bad things that other people did to you? Maybe you're just expecting him to be angry, because someone else was? Or maybe he really was angry, and rather than telling you that he was angry with whoever hurt you before, he tried to hide it. The problem with doing that is that women, especially, who have been the victims of abuse can usually "feel" the emotions in a room. You'd be able to feel that he was angry, even if it wasn't at you.

I hope that helps. For crying, sometimes you just have to let yourself go. It's hard for me sometimes, because I feel as though if I don't hold on to those tears, I'm going to drown in them. I'll cry until I can't move, I'll be too vulnerable, I'll never come out of that pit of sadness. Now, that doesn't mean I don't cry at the drop of a hat, but it does mean that I hold back from crying with commitment to it.

Good luck.

 

Re: worried... Racer

Posted by sunnydays on July 26, 2006, at 17:56:33

In reply to Re: worried... sunnydays, posted by Racer on July 25, 2006, at 21:07:51

Hi Racer,
Sorry, I can't rely give your reply the justice it deserves, but it really did help me a lot and gave me a lot to think about. No, I'm not sure at all that I'm really scared my T is angry with me - it seems to be the default feeling I go to if I don't know what I'm feeling. He called me back last night, and was so reassuring that he wasn't mad that I do believe him until the next time I don't know what I'm feeling. I think it might be a sort of transference, as well, but I'm not sure from what. Anyway, thank you so much for your post. I can't reply any better right now because I just had a super busy day and am brain-dead, but I wanted to say thank you.

sunnydays


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