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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by ClearSkies on July 23, 2006, at 20:43:59
It started with my ill fated trip with my sister. I am in a mucky nasty pit with nothing but my own poisonous thoughts to wrap around me.
Trying to journal as my T suggested. So far it's making me feel a thousand times worse, to see my experiences written out. I have started to pick my skin again, I am sleeping all day, I can't get up off the couch except to pee.
Nothing matters. All I am is the sum of my past. Not a particularly lovable character. Kind of scummy, really.I walked into the water at the beach yesterday and wanted to keep on walking. Let the water cover my head, keep my arms down by my sides and let a current carry me out, out, out. There is a large suspension bridge to the south and I read a news item about someone who had jumped. He worked at the newspaper and no one knew how sick he was. I don't have the nerve to do something. I don't have the nerve to do anything. I just want to not feel any more. I have a creeping rot inside me that's been varnished over, covered with makeup for all these years. Somehow the rot has reached my surface, is showing me to be as pathetic as I've been saying I am.
You know, I wasn't going to post this. But this feels too awful to write and delete, write and delete. I'm going to bed now. I don't want today again, please. Take it away.
Posted by MidnightBlue on July 23, 2006, at 21:36:06
In reply to Downwards spiral trigger i guess, posted by ClearSkies on July 23, 2006, at 20:43:59
Clearskies,
Had a not great phone call from my sister today. We are so alike, but so VERY different. Some days I don't think she'll ever get it!
Stop writing about the garbage. Sometimes I think that just makes it stick in your head. Do something beautiful. Paint, play an instrument, sew, garden, cook, do ONE THING that is beautiful!
Hugs,
MidnightBlue
Posted by ClearSkies on July 23, 2006, at 22:57:42
In reply to Re: Downwards spiral trigger i guess » ClearSkies, posted by MidnightBlue on July 23, 2006, at 21:36:06
My T thought I was ready for this, but clearly I am not. My skin is crawling with my hate towards myself. The only, and I mean only good thing about how I feel is that I don't want to drink. Drinking would make me forget and I must recall every minute and the smallest detail.
I have stopped writing for now. It comes in big chunks of words and thoughts. then facecs, names evaporate. I must not be ready for the entire narrative.
thanks for writing, Midnight Blue.
Posted by llrrrpp on July 23, 2006, at 23:00:34
In reply to Re: Downwards spiral » MidnightBlue, posted by ClearSkies on July 23, 2006, at 22:57:42
I have to second midnight's advice. Too sleepy to come up with any of my own right now
*yawn*Keep your eye out for something beautiful. Anything that catches your fancy. This will draw your attention upward and outward, rather than into the inner downward spiral. It can be something you see, something you hear, smell, taste... Anything that is beautiful.
Tell us what you find
yours,
-ll
Posted by Dinah on July 24, 2006, at 1:52:42
In reply to Downwards spiral trigger i guess, posted by ClearSkies on July 23, 2006, at 20:43:59
Fortunately no one is the sum of their past. And the ClearSkies I met and the one I know here isn't the least bit scummy.
You're not ready to journal on your own, so don't. There's no time schedule that says you have to be now or ever. Turn your mind to something else, and don't forget to call on your supports. Your therapist, us, your husband, whoever is helpful.
Rest a while. Goodness only knows spending time with family alone is reason enough to stop and rest.
Posted by Racer on July 24, 2006, at 2:10:36
In reply to Downwards spiral trigger i guess, posted by ClearSkies on July 23, 2006, at 20:43:59
Honey Bunny, today ain't here any more. All gone.
It's been over 100 degrees here, so my brain is pretty mushy. As a result, I won't be all that brilliant here, but I want you to know one thing: you're not describing the woman I have enjoyed becoming acquainted with. You're not describing the woman who made her own ketchup (catsup?) from tomatoes she grew herself. Nor the woman with the bees. Nor the woman who didn't laugh at me when I had to scoot down the little rocky spot on my butt to get to the beach. Nor the woman who discovered popovers with me.
Keep in mind, please, that I can read minds and that I know everything that matters. That's all in order to keep people from figuring out what a pathetic loser I am. What I know about you is that you're well worth my time. Even when I'm feeling overwhelmed by life, all you are is a ray of light in my life.
How about this: maybe you ain't got any other positive attributes, but you improve my life. You help me hold on. I've been told that I'm worthwhile, so your part in holding me to life has got to be worth something.
Right?
Per aspera, ad astra. Ad astra, my friend. We'll get there together.
Posted by james K on July 24, 2006, at 2:33:48
In reply to Downwards spiral trigger i guess, posted by ClearSkies on July 23, 2006, at 20:43:59
I just titled this wake up to better as a wish and a welcome to you. sometimes when I post negative, I dread coming back on later. I want you to feel some positive encouragement. okay.
some of what you posted is very relevant to my life. I don't actually journal yet because I do fear the mess I'll churn up. With therapuetic supervision it can be a good thing perhaps, but not all of us are ready to just dive in.
sensitive issue alert!
I skin pick. I don't know the word for it, I don't really aknowledge it, but I've very recently started back up, and am trying to take physical type steps to make it difficult. All of us are alike in some ways. If you ever want to post or babblemail about this, I'm okay, because of all the things going on with me, I really don't get that one.
Congrats on staying sober. Your influence is influential to me believe it or not. j
James k
Posted by ClearSkies on July 24, 2006, at 8:42:14
In reply to Wake up to better » ClearSkies, posted by james K on July 24, 2006, at 2:33:48
Today is as bleak as yesterday.
I pick at my legs when I'd doing badly. I try to remember to put neosporin on the bad bits. Why do I do this? To make the outside ugly like the inside? I don't do it to feel the discomfort, I have no problem feeling.
Posted by llrrrpp on July 24, 2006, at 8:58:09
In reply to Re: Wake up to better (not) » james K, posted by ClearSkies on July 24, 2006, at 8:42:14
Hmm, i do stuff like that when I'm bored, mildly anxious or depressed. basically when I want to tune out & put my life on 'pause'. ugly scabs. and then I pick at them too!
Sorry you're feeling lousy today jamesk. Are you going to do anything nice for yourself today? Ice Cream? A run in the park?
-ll
Posted by fallsfall on July 24, 2006, at 9:54:11
In reply to Re: Wake up to better (not) ? james K, posted by ClearSkies on July 24, 2006, at 8:42:14
Choose one thing that you usually like to do and do it today. Something that is purely "fun" (i.e. not something useful like vacuuming). For me these things include ice cream, swinging on swings, sitting on the floor and letting my puppies jump on me and lick my face. They can also include renting a movie you've wanted to see, or coloring with crayons (I tend to get pretty "young" when I'm like that), or sitting next to the water and watching the wildlife. You might want to do something with someone else, or just be by yourself. It doesn't have to be a big thing. Just something that you have chosen as something you want to do for yourself. Some people get into nice baths. Even a guilt-free nap could work. Get your hair cut, buy a pair of shoes.
You could pick up "The Woman's Comfort Book" for more ideas.
(((Clearskies)))
And don't beat up on yourself for picking. Today isn't the day to solve that one. Try to be good to yourself, but today is a hard day.
Falls.
Posted by ClearSkies on July 24, 2006, at 10:26:10
In reply to Re: Wake up to better (not) » ClearSkies, posted by fallsfall on July 24, 2006, at 9:54:11
hugs all around for my steadfast babble companions
((((babblers))))
Posted by ClearSkies on July 24, 2006, at 13:58:42
In reply to thank you thank you, posted by ClearSkies on July 24, 2006, at 10:26:10
A lavender-scented bubble bath and painting my toenails. No more writing for now.
Posted by Daisym on July 25, 2006, at 0:10:45
In reply to Downwards spiral trigger i guess, posted by ClearSkies on July 23, 2006, at 20:43:59
I think about bridge jumping a lot. I've never really understood why I'm so attracted to it.
And yes, overwhelmed by stuff and not being ready to handle the intensity of revisiting old, horrible stuff is so familiar. I call it getting tidalwaved. You think you can ride it out and wham! you get sucked under. There is panick and shock and you know somewhere if you stick your head up, there is a board to bang into.
I'm glad you found a way to soothe yourself today. I wish I could offer more than understanding and words.
It all hurts so much, doesn' it?
Posted by mswgradstudent on July 26, 2006, at 14:33:21
In reply to Today's treatment..., posted by ClearSkies on July 24, 2006, at 13:58:42
I think that's a wonderful idea. I might do the same.
Thank you for sharing.
This is the end of the thread.
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