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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by james K on July 21, 2006, at 16:35:35
All these different boards all about the same things for me. I'm sitting here with a few drinks in me, and I perhaps shouldn't be drinking and some are doing so well in not. But I feel confident, I don't hate myself right now. I can see the good parts of me - my talents, knowledge, personality. I'm becoming suicidal again. That's the big unspoken secret in my life right now. Not because I'm miserable, but because I can't stand the view if I jump up and look down at the big picture.
I'm so lonely. I need work and friendship again. It's all right there for me, I just have to grab it. I've recently remembered what it is like to feel like a failure a reject to have people staring with disaproval. I'm not strong enough. I want to have fun. I want to feel like I've earned my moments. I want.
I'm just writing all this to put the truth out somewhere somehow. Thinking about suicide sucks. I'm not there yet, but it creeps up. It's so easy to think about quitting.I'm not self injurious right now. I split my head open a few weeks ago with the phone. I was so hurt about the circumstances involving my new job and harrassment by a mean person, and when the emotions hit, I didn't want to feel them, so bashed my head with the hand part of the phone. Somehow split it open. another permanent scar. No thought or premeditation.
I've reached maximum out of pocket on my insurance plan for the year. In theory, I could have therapy for free till January. I'm saying it here to make the possibility real. Maybe to aknowledge the reality and neccessity of action.
There is a woman who has a private practice who also runs the unit I've been inpatient in twice. She was willing to take me on as a client earlier this year. She had an opening at that time. It would be right to call her. I may. I don't make promises because breaking them hurts worse than not making them.
Rambling
James K
Posted by james K on July 21, 2006, at 17:18:01
In reply to all these different boards *triggers*SI, SA, SI, posted by james K on July 21, 2006, at 16:35:35
Posted by Dinah on July 21, 2006, at 17:23:43
In reply to all these different boards *triggers*SI, SA, SI, posted by james K on July 21, 2006, at 16:35:35
Sounds like it might be helpful. Did you like her when you were inpatient?
I'm sorry about your job. It can be extra hard when you pour your heart into something. But I hope you have some good memories of doing a good job before the trouble started. Maybe that can give you something to hold on to?
Posted by Declan on July 21, 2006, at 17:41:09
In reply to all these different boards *triggers*SI, SA, SI, posted by james K on July 21, 2006, at 16:35:35
So many lonely people throwing out their messages in bottles. What happens when they get together? They can't stand each other? They never do get together?
Suicidal thinking (to which I am prone in the abstract) seems to be a desire for a way out. This morning in the shower, thinking about Syd Barrett and what you said about him, I remembered some lyrics from a David Gilmour song (I think) that go 'There's no way out of here, when you come in you're in for good'.
How come, if we matter so much to each other, we are of so little use to each other?
Declan
Posted by caraher on July 21, 2006, at 22:12:59
In reply to all these different boards *triggers*SI, SA, SI, posted by james K on July 21, 2006, at 16:35:35
> Not because I'm miserable, but because I can't stand the view if I jump up and look down at the big picture.
It sounds like what you call the "big picture" is almost *defined* as your depressed point of view. Life is made up of a succession of moments. If you're OK with the ones you're having right now and "looking down at the big picture" causes you to lose hope, how about just not looking down?!
> I'm not self injurious right now. I split my head open a few weeks ago with the phone. I was so hurt about the circumstances involving my new job and harrassment by a mean person, and when the emotions hit, I didn't want to feel them, so bashed my head with the hand part of the phone. Somehow split it open. another permanent scar. No thought or premeditation.I'm curious about what "counts" as self-injury (from a mental health practitioner's perspective). I know exactly what you mean about no thought or premeditation, and when I don't manage to suppress the urge I tend either to bash my head into something or otherwise strike my head. I've never seriously injured myself this way - no bleeding, scars or fractures - though I have broken objects and damaged walls.
When I've brought this up with pdocs, etc. they dismiss it as unimportant. And maybe it is unimportant. But I wonder how different it is just because I don't cut and haven't yet managed to seriously injure myself...
Posted by james K on July 22, 2006, at 2:31:49
In reply to Silly Questions » james K, posted by Declan on July 21, 2006, at 17:41:09
You've been of a lot of use to me Declan. You have meant something real to me in this time. I just wanted to acknowledge that here publicly.
I may be a little better. Saying these things "out loud" is important to get them out of the head.
more later.
James K
Posted by james K on July 22, 2006, at 3:12:09
In reply to Re: all these different boards *triggers*SI, SA, S, posted by caraher on July 21, 2006, at 22:12:59
I did like the therapist, and she liked me. She led some groups I was in. I've never been good at therapy outside of short-term or group. The continued honesty is wearing. I started this particular journey this time with the desire to do it differently so as to get a different outcome though.
I like the part about (by Caraher) about the big picture being the depression and maybe not looking at it. I've called it a default mind set before. We can get lost in our moments and forget the big picture (such as realizations from the past), but maybe we can also get lost in the big picture and lose our moments.
All self injury is self injury. hitting things (not others) is self injury and no damage just means we can go farther next time. I hadn't hurt myself for a good period of time before that. I have to struggle when something goes wrong. If not immediately, then later in processing. If I'm aware I'm feeling it, it becomes a choice -right or wrong. When it just happens, it's a sign I've given up too much choice in my reactions.
oh well, bedtime.
James K
Posted by llrrrpp on July 22, 2006, at 15:58:33
In reply to Re: all these different boards *triggers*SI, SA, S, posted by james K on July 22, 2006, at 3:12:09
Hi James,
I hope that you can get in touch with the T and try to set something up. It sounds like a good opportunity. If she doesn't have an opening, you can always ask her for a referral.I'm so glad to know that you're ready to reach out for help. Can you call this weekend and leave a message?
nice to meet you, by the way. curtm always has nice things to say about you :o)
Sounds like looking up and not liking the view is a good reason not to look up. I hope you're at the point where you can make this choice.
hang in there-
-ll
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