Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 662694

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Re: yesterday at the clinic **triggers** Ľ ElaineM

Posted by llrrrpp on June 29, 2006, at 20:59:49

In reply to yesterday at the clinic **triggers**, posted by ElaineM on June 29, 2006, at 20:20:07

I just need some distraction. keep my hands busy. Though I hate seeing my disgusting name appear on the screen. Canít stay asleep at all so...

ElaineM, would you consider seeing a pdoc about your insomnia, anxiety and suicidal ideation? They might be able to listen to your symptoms and give you some medicine to take the edge off until you can work on finding a new T. They might also be able to recommend a new T.

> I never think things can get worse, then they do. I'm embarassed even writing this. I ask for everything I get. Like a stupid pathetic b**ch I went to my session before my meeting at the psych. center. [...] All dumb excuses from a dumb girl.

You're NOT dumb. You are a very good writer. And it's easy for smart people to be bad writers, but very hard for dumb people to be good writers.

I'm not surprised that you are so confused after your session. But I don't know much about therapy, so...

sounds like you have a LOT of anxiety. And it's understandable that you would feel sick at these moments.

Can you get a recommendation from the woman you saw today about someone to see long term?

What is the worst thing that can happen if you report the abusive relationship? make a list. Is it worth your life? I don't think so, and I think there are people in real life who love you and would hate for you to go through this in silence.

>All I could do was say I was sorry to be a bother. I only wanted a woman instead. Only to have someone to talk to, and not fix everything. Not silent and alone with this. i told her I was sorry but didn't know what else to do and that it took alot out of me to even make it today. She said anyone in the helping prof could not, not make a complaint.
>
> She gave me crises lines and other numbers but i threw them away as soon as i left. Iím not going through this again. She said, "I would tell the girl that she doesn't have to take any abusive situation, and I'd tell her she should leave him." I felt like I was sinking. Like my heart was breaking. Like, This is was what I waited so desperately to do?! oh god, this is all today is coming to?! She said it must be hard for me to be in such a bind. I asked why their rules were more important than helping me as an individual. She didn't answer. Then she said I looked very unstable and upset, and that she was obligated to ask if I was thinking of harming myself. (that's something I know to always answer No to. Plus I felt too dead to do something so active) I said I would be fine. I'm always fine, and I don't really care. I said, "Is that us done now? I didn't say anything bad right? Does this all disappear when I leave?" And she said, "Considering you didn't tell me any specifics really, then yes the matter is closed."

Elaine, if you are thinking of hurting yourself, it's really important that you seek help in real life. Even if it's scary, and even if you are paranoid and anxious, you are worth it, and I want you to stay safe.

> Then I left. I didn't SI cause I already slipped again on Mon. Though I wanted to Ė I still do. I've just been messed up on stuff all last night. Less today. I didn't sleep last night though I did a little this morning. whatever. I don't care. I was only pretending to. Things don't matter to me. And talking is stupid. No one will listen.

I'm listening and I care. I care a lot. You do not deserve to hurt like this. It's not your fault.

>No one cares about anything but process. I doesn't bother me that no one cares about me but him. Iím alone. And I've made this aloneness hurt more by asking, like an idiot, for someone to prove the opposite. It's my fault.

NO! it was never your fault. And there are other people who care about you besides him. You are a sensitive caring person. And people like you, while you might not have a lot of close friends nearby (did you say that once?). I think you have probably touched many people, and mean a lot to many people. You just don't realize it because that is one of the issues that you are struggling with.

>I am glad it's over. I like being mannequin-like. At least he is still there when the others turn me away. I am lucky. I don't deserve his support after being a deceitful big-mouth @ssh*le. It is good I am lucky with something.

Elaine, I'm so worried about you. Somehow you've gotten it into your head that your relationship with T is the only relationship you've ever had, or ever WILL have. I'm pretty sure it's because your T has been very manipulative. But there is a very important relationship that you cannot ignore- it's the relationship between you and yourself. You have to take care of Elaine. Keep her safe. You're hurting because of HIM. If you get away from him, you will be able to start to heal that hurt. And when that hurt starts to heal, you'll be able to realize that other people love you, and that you are loveable.

> Sorry this is so long. I won't need to write more threads about "me" anymore. I'm done caring about me. i don't care what happens. Iím too tired. Thank you for being nice to me though. I'm sorry I can't pay you back with good news. I'm sorry for having needed so much help, and I thank you for everything. You are all good people.
>

Get some rest, and a glass of warm milk. Something comforting. You need comfort, a blanky, a hug. Somewhere to hide from your anxiety. Some people find comfort and relief at the hospital. Some people find comfort and relief by calling an anonymous crisis line. Others by posting on psycho-babble. You're not alone, either in your suffering, or in your anxiety about confidentiality. Please don't let your anxiety about confidentiality prevent you from finding relief in the real world.

You don't need to repay us back for our kindnesses with a success story. "Look! I'm healed". You can pay us back by taking care of yourself and realizing that we care about you, even when things don't go well. And how can we be upset at you when you are a double victim 1) of the abusive T, and 2) of the system?

gentle hugs for you Elaine (((Elaine)))
your caring friend,
-ll

only write back if you feel up to it. I have found p-babble a wonderful distraction. Keeping the fingers busy is a good idea :)

 

Re: yesterday at the clinic **triggers**

Posted by caraher on June 29, 2006, at 21:43:56

In reply to yesterday at the clinic **triggers**, posted by ElaineM on June 29, 2006, at 20:20:07

Elaine, I hope your lovely name continues to grace this board until you are well. It hurts to see you call yourself a b**ch repeatedly because you're obviously anything but. Your no more whiny than someone entering a hospital emergency room with a fractured bone is "whiny" for seeking medical help! You're suffering real injuries and need genuine help, which you obviously are not receiving.

One thing I want to mention about your T saying "just for you to know, i wouldn't intervene." Later on you mention that when asked if you were thinking of harming yourself "that's something I know to always answer No to." I think your T is playing a similar game. His fear would be that you would withhold information if you felt he *would* intervene. By telling you that he wouldn't I'd guess he's flat-out lying in the belief that if you *were* to harm yourself you'd be more likely to tell him if you believed he wouldn't intervene. It may be as simple as you said, that he sought to ingratiate himself with you, but my bet is that he would never knowingly let you harm yourself if he could intervene. (I guess that would be a "trick response," but this is a messy situation - don't call yourself dense because it would confuse anyone!)

I'm sorry that your therapist has you so tied up in knots that when you spoke to the woman you continued to put protecting him ahead of your own health. Reading your posts all I can think of is the "Stockholm syndrome." You seem to be his emotional captive, and your vulnerability has led to you protect him from facing the professional consequences of his actions.

Elaine, you're smart and caring and whether or not you feel like you're done caring about yourself we're not. You seem like a marvelous person in an unfair situation, and I hope you can summon the strength to get out of it. I know it is hard. Just because you weren't able to do it this time doesn't mean you can't try again.

By the way, even if you truly aren't so concerned about yourself anymore, clearly you still care about others. After all, why else would you shield your T if you didn't care about him to some extent? But please think about other people - his other present and future clients. If he continues to "practice" in this way, and nobody blows the whistle on him, it's likely that other women will find themselves in your dilemma, too. I know it's asking a lot for you to report his behavior, and it may be asking too much. I won't judge you if you can't. But you should, at the very least, break things off with him, even if you don't take the next step and tell someone how he tied you in knots.

Please continue to let us know how you're doing. Don't be ashamed of yourself. I wish I or one of your other well-wishers here could go with you in person to offer you support as you face this problem. Just don't give up!

 

Re: yesterday at the clinic **triggers** Ľ ElaineM

Posted by annierose on June 29, 2006, at 22:33:17

In reply to yesterday at the clinic **triggers**, posted by ElaineM on June 29, 2006, at 20:20:07

I logged tonight just to see if you had posted. I care and wanted to know how you were doing. I was sad to read the events of Wednesday. Please understand that we only want you to get the professional help you deserve. I know you want to protect him, but by doing so, you are not protecting yourself --- the very core of your self.

There are wonderfully gifted trained therapists out there. Believe your instincts. They are telling you something clear and LOUD --- that's why you reached out here asking those questions. You know. You know.

Follow Falls advice and call a bunch of therapists. Ask them if they do long term work AND if they were able to maintain a confidential situation until you had the strength to carry through.

I imagine that if you terminate with your T, he is likely to become angry. He doesn't really want to see you become healthy. He doesn't have your best interests at stake.

Please keep posting. Let us be one part of your support system. It won't be easy. It will be one of the hardest things you have ever done for yourself. I think you can do it.

Thinking of you, please keep safe.

Annierose

 

Re: yesterday at the clinic **triggers** Ľ ElaineM

Posted by MidnightBlue on June 29, 2006, at 22:48:38

In reply to yesterday at the clinic **triggers**, posted by ElaineM on June 29, 2006, at 20:20:07

Elaine,

I'm so sorry about the way things worked out. Please keep yourself safe and keep posting here. We care, we really do!

MidnightBlue

 

Re: yesterday at the clinic **triggers** Ľ ElaineM

Posted by sleepygirl on June 29, 2006, at 22:52:05

In reply to yesterday at the clinic **triggers**, posted by ElaineM on June 29, 2006, at 20:20:07

you really sound like you are hurting a lot my dear... :-(

I wonder why you say you feel "sorry" about not having "good news"? ((((Elaine)))), it sounds like this was incredibly difficult for you and you need to appreciate that.... I wish I could make this easier for you. I hope you take things slowly, and please, please be gentle with yourself. It sounds like you have only the best of intentions- brave girl. I think you're gonna need time with this - people will listen and it doesn't always have to feel so terribly conflicted.
all the best,
sg

 

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((El))))))))))))))))) (nm) Ľ ElaineM

Posted by muffled on June 29, 2006, at 23:03:48

In reply to yesterday at the clinic **triggers**, posted by ElaineM on June 29, 2006, at 20:20:07

 

Re: yesterday at the clinic **triggers** ¬ Ľ fallsfall

Posted by ElaineM on June 30, 2006, at 9:18:50

In reply to Re: yesterday at the clinic **triggers** ¬Ľ ElaineM, posted by fallsfall on June 29, 2006, at 20:41:38

Falls: I did want another T. I still do. I know this will probably sound so annoying but it is more complicated then I've been able to post. Though I do know that how it is now is not regular therapy. It has been awhile since it has felt sort of like it was with my old T.

I'm too tired to do anything else right now. Plus, another thing I realized, while I was beginning the assessment interview, was that because I've been in ED inpatient so often, my treatment history is all linked together. When you go in, they know who's sending you, and then when you leave they know who you're going to. It'd be pretty easy to track me from facility to therapist, if they don't need my permission to contact these places. If I started again, I think I'd have to hide my entire history - especially the ED. Could any good really come from someone new then? I may have been jumping the gun with all of this. I'm very trapped.

I'm sorry that I can't be bolder with this. I would always help others, and look out for others - I know I'm being terribly selfish with this. I feel horrible about it. I don't want to jeopardise another person, but I'm just so weak. I don't have enough in me to help myself right now, nevermind someone else. Oh god, that's so horrible to say. I'm so gross.

I am going to try and be strong today with one thing though. I'm on my way to a session now, and I'm going to say I'm NOT going on the day-trip together. I'm kinda scared about it, but I have to do it - I couldn't possibly go. (I don't even have time to read through everyone's responses before leaving, so I'm going with your's in my head. I'll read the rest when I get back to reassure me that I said the right thing)

Thanks for saying you care, EL

 

Re: yesterday at the clinic **triggers** ¬ Ľ ElaineM

Posted by gardenergirl on June 30, 2006, at 10:06:16

In reply to Re: yesterday at the clinic **triggers** ¬ Ľ fallsfall, posted by ElaineM on June 30, 2006, at 9:18:50

> It'd be pretty easy to track me from facility to therapist, if they don't need my permission to contact these places.

They DO need your permission to contact these places about you. Your records should be confidential unless you specifically agree to release them. Sometimes the intial paperwork you fill out for a new place contains a release, and with so much to fill out and not enough time to read it all, it can be easy to sign without really knowing that you're releasing your records. So if you have copies of the paperwork, check to see if it contained a release of information. Otherwise, your records should be protected.

Good luck today. I think the decision not to go away together is a wise one.

gg

 

Re: yesterday at the clinic **triggers** ¬Ľ ElaineM

Posted by fallsfall on June 30, 2006, at 11:31:34

In reply to yesterday at the clinic **triggers**, posted by ElaineM on June 29, 2006, at 20:20:07

Elaine,

I hope your session went OK, and that he accepted your decision not to go with him. That is a hard thing for you to decide.

You could even look for a new therapist with the sole intent that this therapist will help you process the relationship with your old therapist. You could choose a town/city that is separated from where you usually go for care. Tell the new therapist that you will not authorize them to have access to any previous medical records at this time. You can provide any details that you think you want them to know, they don't need to see your charts.

When I went to my current therapist, my records were never transferred, and he never talked to my previous therapist. (I left her under difficult circumstances) He didn't want to talk to her - he wanted to come to his own conclusions. Clearly, something that she had been doing/believing wasn't working. He wanted to start fresh. So not all therapists want to see your history. Mine wanted ME to tell him my history, he didn't want to hear it from other people. He did, later, talk to my pdoc (with my permission) - but that was more about moving forward than anything that had happened in the past.

I spent months talking only about my previous therapist. That WAS the content of my therapy for a long, long time. And, 3 years later, I still talk about her occasionally.

Like GG said, just read everything that you sign. And you DON'T have to tell them where you have been treated in the past. So they won't even know where to go looking.

Take care of yourself. You are doing incredibly hard stuff. Ice cream is always good.

 

Re: yesterday at the clinic **triggers** Ľ llrrrpp

Posted by ElaineM on June 30, 2006, at 15:31:01

In reply to Re: yesterday at the clinic **triggers** Ľ ElaineM, posted by llrrrpp on June 29, 2006, at 20:59:49

LL: I've seen a ton of pdocs before. As far as the insomnia, I've been involved with a Sleep Clinic and have done a sleep study and everything. I don't want to explain my sleep disorder too much because it isn't so common, and I'm worried that it would be too indentifiably me - though who would be looking for stuff about me really. I've tried a few sleep meds and they don't do much. Though my sleeping has been much better the past year or so. The last little few nights I've been awake artificially. I'm used to functioning on few zzzz's.

Anxiety has always been a problem, but benzo's don't react well with the medical problem I have. The suicidal ideation has been with me for years and years - and I'm usually used to that too. I've tried alot of SSRI's and anti-psy. and the pdocs have been kinda disappointed by how unaffected I am. (Being in inpatient with my ED you don't have too much choice when it comes to refusing meds). I just seem to be rather resistant. I'm defective that way I guess. (I'm still waiting for the antidote to lonely)

I don't remember if I've mentioned friends in other posts. Honestly, I lost any I had over the coarse of my anorexia and all the hospitalizations. It's a pretty frustrating illness to watch someone go through, so I don't blame them a bit for letting go - I would've just dragged them down too. The two I have left moved far away, and are busy living lives. I don't fit in with my own age group anyways. On top of that, after battling back several times from starvation-complications, I've come down with this completely unrelated illness. And that's most relevant to me now.

I've lost my parents support, my few friends, my body, my faith in my physicians, and any small hope I had. I really have no one but him. And I would do anything to not suffer through this illness alone. I could handle all the dysfunction I've been accumulating, all the sadness, all the memories, alone - but not this. And he helps with it.

I know it's probably pretty hard for others to understand. I need someone, and he seems to need me. I feel like I'll just have to overlook the awkwardness, or anything I don't like that much. I feel like the past few weeks I've just been trying to be picky. It sounds bad but, to my heart, a flawed, ineffective T is better than nothing and no one.

I like thinking you guys care. Even if it wasn't true I'd probably just pretend. But know that you don't ever HAVE to respond - I would not want to drown you all in my sadness. Usually, writing it out is in itself helpful too. You do not have to worry about me being unsafe.

Thanks for listening so much, EL

- on a good note, since I never give you any, my little sister is coming to see me. Something different :)

 

Re: yesterday at the clinic **triggers** Ľ caraher

Posted by ElaineM on June 30, 2006, at 16:12:58

In reply to Re: yesterday at the clinic **triggers**, posted by caraher on June 29, 2006, at 21:43:56

Caraher: Thank you so much for saying that about the "not intervening" stuff. I would never have thought of it that way! It makes me feel better thinking that's why he said it. That he would trick me into revealing that I do need help.

I kinda might not know what you mean by "Stockholm syndrome". Is that when you love someone who is bad for you so much, they seem good?

I feel really bad reading about my silence coming to harm another. It's horrible to think of, and feel like cr@p that I can't be more noble, but it is just too difficult right now. I truly believe he is not like this with anyone else. It took him like a year and a half to change with me, to how he is now. And I don't fit the usual profile of his clients - I'm older. I don't suspect in the least that another client is in danger. I'm not really in THAT kind of danger I don't think. Not like that. I have been before and I just think I would recognize it if it were to happen again.

I hope this part doesn't make you feel weird. I only learned that you're a man in one of your more recent posts, and it means alot to me that your message is so kind. I'm not used to men saying generous things for no other reason than being nice. It is hard for me to comprehend. My T doesn't sound like you anymore. I won't get into it because it's over, but I've come to kinda fear all men. My last T, who I loved so much, decided that she would send me to a male T to get me used to being around not only females anymore. I wish she had just kept me.

Anyways, sorry if anything I said creeps you out, or makes you mad. I didn't mean for it to. Just wanted to say that seeing you say nice things like the women makes me a little relieved, or hopeful, or something. (not that you're like a women ... I hope this isn't coming out all wrong. If it did, I never meant to offend you. I hope you know what I mean)

Thanks for trying to help, EL

 

yesterday at the clinic ** dom abuse triggers** Ľ ElaineM

Posted by llrrrpp on June 30, 2006, at 16:54:16

In reply to Re: yesterday at the clinic **triggers** Ľ llrrrpp, posted by ElaineM on June 30, 2006, at 15:31:01

Hi El,
I'm sorry to hear that you're going through medical problems on top of everything else right now. That must be overwhelming ((((((((Elaine))))))))

Maybe some behavioral modifications can help you sleep a little better? Warm bath before bed, some progressive relaxation exercises. I'm sure you know a lot of tricks. I just want you to get some comfort somewhere, somehow.

Anorexia can be a devastating disease for friendships. I understand if it's hard for you to rekindle lost relationships. Maybe it's a good time for you to call your two friends this weekend, just for a quick chat- update on their lives and such. I have friends all over the country too, and it can be really hard to stay in touch, but I bet they would enjoy hearing from you.

I'm so happy that your sister is coming to visit you. That will be good for you :)

I hope that you realize that the same reasons you are giving me for staying with your T are given by women in abusive relationships. My sister-in-law left her ex after 8 years of physical and psychological abuse. She said the turning point was when she was abusing alcohol and avoiding all of her friends because of bruises. The cops came to their apt one night and a woman cop pulled her aside and said that if she didn't leave him, she was going to die young.

My S-I-L said a lot of things similar to what you wrote. That she was an immigrant, didn't know anyone else, was going through some rough issues with her family, and cultural issues, etc. And that he was the only one who was there for her. He was the only one that cared for her, and that he needed her,a nd she had to take care of him.

Doesn't make a whole lot of sense in hindsight, but that's the illusion. A powerful illusion that even strong people succomb to. My S-I-L is a very stubborn, smart, hard-working and sensible person. That's why I know- that if it can happen to HER, it can happen to anyone. It's not your fault. But it is your responsibility to deal with it. I'm sorry it's such a big responsibility. Keep taking steps to find a new long-term therapy solution, especially since you don't respond well to medication. And know that we care about you (no acting! I'm a terrible actor!)

Keep yourself safe, and have a nice weekend with your sister :)

yours,
-ll

 

Re: yesterday at the clinic **triggers**

Posted by holymama on June 30, 2006, at 19:02:18

In reply to yesterday at the clinic **triggers**, posted by ElaineM on June 29, 2006, at 20:20:07

Dear Elaine,

I haven't posted to you before; I've been reading along with your dilemma and I haven't posted because I didn't feel like I would be helpful and I felt like others were doing a great job in giving you the support that you have needed.

I just wanted to say a few things to you -- I think you're fantastic -- very strong, and intelligent, and working your way through something that is very hard and very complicated. You have made some really brave steps in the short time that I have seen you post about this issue, and I think you should be commended.

The second thing I want to say is this -- please be gentle with yourself. Don't worry that you are not being 'noble' enough and trying to watch out for others' welfare -- you need to go gently through this thing, and watch your own health, and most of all, trust your instincts -- because I believe your instincts have been right so far. Be patient with this process, and know that things are going in the right direction and will happen when they should. You're right on.

~Autumn~

 

Re: yesterday at the clinic **triggers** Ľ ElaineM

Posted by Tamar on June 30, 2006, at 20:31:10

In reply to Re: yesterday at the clinic **triggers** Ľ llrrrpp, posted by ElaineM on June 30, 2006, at 15:31:01

Hi Elaine,

Thanks so much for your reply to my thread. I have been trying to find the right words to say to you.

First of all, Iím so very sorry that your appointment with the woman T didnít go the way you hoped. Iíd hoped too that she would be able to help you. I can understand that there are policies about reporting unethical therapists, but that should never come at the cost of a clientís safety. I think the rules need to be written better, to enable you to find a place of safety before people start talking about reporting your therapist.

Iím so sorry that your hopes about your appointment with the woman therapist were dashed. Iím shocked and stunned that she couldnít find a way to accommodate your immediate need for safety. I think it is a dereliction of duty, no matter what the rules. If she couldnít help you there and then, she should have contacted someone who could, and set up an appointment as soon as possible. Reporting unethical therapists should never be more important than client safety. Unfortunately, some therapists donít really understand whatís at stake.

One other thing Iíd say is that youíre not responsible for your therapistís behaviour with other clients. It is not your responsibility to prevent him from misbehaving with other women. He is responsible for his actions. Sometimes people can feel a sense of relief at having reported an abuser AFTER the whole thing is over. It helps to know youíve gone through a difficult process that will prevent other people suffering. But when you are still caught up in the relationship you canít be expected to worry about other people. Your survival comes first. Whatever it takes.

What happened to your old (female) therapist? Are you still in touch with her? Could you go see her and tell her what is happening with your male therapist? Or are you afraid she wonít believe you? And have you managed to see your GP yet? If anyone can help, she ought to be able to.

I have heard that eating disorders can be very isolating. People donít always understand the depth of self-loathing many people with eating disorders struggle with. Iím sorry you feel so alone. Itís hard to find people who can accept us as we are, especially when weíre hurting. But I have found that this community is a place of tremendous acceptance, so I hope you will be able to get used to the idea that we care very much about you. I know Iíve been really enjoying getting to know you. Youíre so kind and caring and wise. Itís such a pleasure to have you here with us.

You are doing so well at handling all this. It really it an impossible situation, and youíre dealing with it incredibly well. I hope youíre giving yourself credit for that. Youíve had a lot of bad experiences and a lot of bad luck. You donít deserve any of it. You deserve only good things.

(((((Elaine))))) Iím so sorry things have been hard. Thanks so much for sharing it here. I know itís difficult.

Tamar

 

Annierose, SG, MidB, GG

Posted by ElaineM on June 30, 2006, at 21:09:36

In reply to Re: yesterday at the clinic **triggers** Ľ ElaineM, posted by sleepygirl on June 29, 2006, at 22:52:05

Thanks guys. (SG: How nice of you to call me brave - I would like to be so.) I just know I would not have even tried if I hadn't got all of your encouragement. And when I had to leave the clinic feeling more silenced than ever, it helped a little to know that I could at least tell you all how upsetting it was.

It is hard for me to explain all my fears about my treatment trail, cause I'm worried that the few regulations I do know of, would give away where I'm posting from (I don't know why I'm so paranoid about that, but I am). There are certain circumstances where Drs can talk to other Drs without "express consent". And I guess I also worry how much this duty-to-report "sexual abuse" over-rides all versions of privacy (my talking to another, my files, my physician, I can't really know where it ends). The number she gave me was from the website I had already found. I suppose I could call one day to ask questions, but I don't have it in me right now. I wish I knew someone from my area who had done all this before.

As far as not going with him tomorrow, I hinted that I didn't think I could make it, and he said that was fine because his son was coming to visit anyways. So, I'm proud I said it, but he probably would've cancelled himself if I waited till the end of the session. And I let him sit with his arm around me when I was talking instead. (that was harder than turning down his invitation) But it was fine I guess. And my sis is coming tomorrow so I won't have to think about other stuff. She doesn't believe in psychiatry and hates all my problems - so we never even mention things like that. We're not close but the change in routine will be nice.

EL

 

Re: Annierose, SG, MidB, GG Ľ ElaineM

Posted by MidnightBlue on June 30, 2006, at 22:43:21

In reply to Annierose, SG, MidB, GG, posted by ElaineM on June 30, 2006, at 21:09:36

Elaine,

You don't need to tell us where you are. But, could you maybe Babble mail GG or someone else and tell her what state or country you are in? She might be able to research the rules and then tell you them by Babble mail. That way only one person will know where you are. You don't have to give the city or anything. I'm afraid I'm not real good at that or I'd offer to do it for you.

> It is hard for me to explain all my fears about my treatment trail, cause I'm worried that the few regulations I do know of, would give away where I'm posting from (I don't know why I'm so paranoid about that, but I am). There are certain circumstances where Drs can talk to other Drs without "express consent". And I guess I also worry how much this duty-to-report "sexual abuse" over-rides all versions of privacy (my talking to another, my files, my physician, I can't really know where it ends). The number she gave me was from the website I had already found. I suppose I could call one day to ask questions, but I don't have it in me right now. I wish I knew someone from my area who had done all this before.

Have you gone to a web site that lists the boards and whether or not someone has complaints against them? You should be able to find out that information, and at the worst people will just think you are being thorough checking him out. I'm not asking you to make a complaint against him, I know that is too hard for you right now, just see if someone else has made one. I think you really need to know that.

A clean record doesn't mean he hasn't hurt anyone because he has definitely hurt you and you haven't turned him in.

> As far as not going with him tomorrow, I hinted that I didn't think I could make it, and he said that was fine because his son was coming to visit anyways. So, I'm proud I said it, but he probably would've cancelled himself if I waited till the end of the session. And I let him sit with his arm around me when I was talking instead. (that was harder than turning down his invitation) But it was fine I guess. And my sis is coming tomorrow so I won't have to think about other stuff. She doesn't believe in psychiatry and hates all my problems - so we never even mention things like that. We're not close but the change in routine will be nice.

I don't see how you do it! I'm so proud of you for telling him you wouldn't go. That was the right thing to do.

I hope you have a good time with your sister. Just try to do something fun you both like. Maybe go see a movie or go shopping or something.

Take care. You have a LOT of people who care about you.

MidnightBlue

 

Re: Annierose, SG, MidB, GG

Posted by muffled on July 1, 2006, at 0:10:47

In reply to Re: Annierose, SG, MidB, GG Ľ ElaineM, posted by MidnightBlue on June 30, 2006, at 22:43:21

Yeah you do have lotsa people that care bout you.
I care bout you too.
Its been ok here for me.
If you check back in the archives, I think GG has been here awhile.
I guess you could e-mail Dr. Bob, he does exsist, people have met him.
Lotsa people just don't understand how hard it can be...
But you are most definately NOT alone.
Mebbe if you put your babble mail on, some of us could babbl mail roughly where WE live and you could see if anyone is anywhere near you?
I dunno.
I just wish I could give you some support somewhere, somehow.
Is there any way you could tell your T that you want a break from ANY physical contact for awhile?
Or mebbe just come in stinky and bad breath, and eat lotsa eggs and beans and f*rt alot, and then maybe he'd stay away. Sounds sorta silly, but mebbe it'd work?
Me and Tamar have the ultimate revenge- piss on his car when he's not looking!!!(old joke from here on babble)
Take care, you seems really nice.
Muffled

 

Re: yesterday at the clinic **triggers** Ľ holymama

Posted by ElaineM on July 1, 2006, at 8:45:36

In reply to Re: yesterday at the clinic **triggers**, posted by holymama on June 30, 2006, at 19:02:18

Autumn: Nice to meet you. (I never think anyone else reads this stuff, except the names that I already see regularly on the board) I appreciate hearing from everyone - (I'd be okay if people disagreed, I guess) but it helps when I can collect a bunch of similar opinions. My thoughts about this change so much, so often - but less since I've been posting here, and getting all this feedback.

EL

 

Re: yesterday at the clinic **triggers** Ľ Tamar

Posted by ElaineM on July 1, 2006, at 9:22:04

In reply to Re: yesterday at the clinic **triggers** Ľ ElaineM, posted by Tamar on June 30, 2006, at 20:31:10

Hi Tamar, I had alot riding on that meeting. I felt like something was going to happen, that something would come of it. Going to it was a weird mixture of fear, anxiety, and hope. I suppose that was a bit naive, but my brain was like, Everything's going to be fixed cause she's a woman. Pretty irrational and stupid - I think I just wanted something to put faith in, to get me there.

Intellectually I can understand the obligation to report. I do. It just leaves me, as one person, feeling pretty trapped. I felt bad for the woman too. She was skimming through all the possible instances where confidentiality would be breached, and when she got to the part about sexual abuse and relationships, and I stopped her and asked her to clarify, she froze for a few seconds. I guess she didn't expect to hear the type of questions I was asking.

I know that I'm not responsible for other clients directly. I know that's not what others meant. I understand that they want to give more proof for me to do something else. It's just too impossible for me with how things are right now.

My old T was amazing. She got me to learn how to speak, and kinda recognize when and what I'm feeling. It's hard to learn how to match feelings to words! Seeing her had time limits, that could not be changed, even if she had personally wanted to continue seeing me. (sorry, I can't explain it further) She was the one who sent me to the T I have now (i explained it in one of the posts above). I get pretty upset when I think of it that way. The thing that got me to come to see him in the beginning was that I kept repeating over and over in my head, She knows what's best, She wants me to do this. I wanted to try really hard for her, even though I was sooo nervous. That's why I could never tell her. She knows him. She'd know who I was talking about even if I tried to be vague about it. She checks in with me now and then (to get updates about my illness). I'm supposed to see my GP at the end of next week, but it will just be for physical stuff. I'm looking forward to that (in a twisted way). I missed her last time, and I just want to hear her talk a little.

Tamar, I really value your posts. But, take care of yourself too. Never feel weird about NOT posting, you have your own difficulties right now. And you've already said so many helpful things before.

Thanks for listening. ((((((Tamar))))))
EL

 

muffled

Posted by ElaineM on July 1, 2006, at 9:37:29

In reply to Re: Annierose, SG, MidB, GG, posted by muffled on July 1, 2006, at 0:10:47

Thanks (((Muff))). I do believe you care. Maybe I should try the garlic, and onions and BO route! ;) I'd never draw others into this by asking more of anyone though. It's nice to even just get words. Always good to hear from you.
:) EL

 

he's not calling back! ****trigger drugs****

Posted by ElaineM on July 1, 2006, at 21:33:31

In reply to muffled, posted by ElaineM on July 1, 2006, at 9:37:29

oh god, I know no one's probably around now. I don't know what to do! what am i going to do. My sis was here and we hung out, and watched a movie, and i even ate a regular piece of pizza, and then she told me that it came out that our brother had a big drug blowout, and our parents freaked, and he admitted he's been using coke daily for 2.5 years, and meth!!! And he was screaming and going crazy and said he'd never do rehab and that everyone in the family makes him worse. and he's always high. And they just found out Thurs.

And i don't remember everything. oh god, she said so much. I don't remember it all. why is this happening. She said no one knows what to do or say. How do you change someone's mind like that? you can't, can you?! why is this happening. I dont' know what to do.

and I called my t's cell and he didn't pick up! Which he never does. It's not even a client line. It's his personal number, and he always tells me to call it. but he's not picking up. I left a message like 2hours ago. why hasn't he called. what do i do! I don't know what to say to help fix stuff, to help everyone. I want my T to tell me. i want him to come and get me. I took some ativan though I'm not really supposed to. but i can't calm down. why isn't he calling. is he just not going to, or is this normal times for T's. I keep staring at the phone like it will make it ring. once i even picked it up like a freak to make sure it was still working! I'm going to explode or something. maybe he's not back yet. I don't know if I should call his house line. i don't know if it's normal for a client to call his house. who will answer. what can i do?

 

Re: he's not calling back! ****trigger drugs**** Ľ ElaineM

Posted by llrrrpp on July 1, 2006, at 21:35:56

In reply to he's not calling back! ****trigger drugs****, posted by ElaineM on July 1, 2006, at 21:33:31

sweetie, I'm here
I'm fetching a link to babble chat
be back in a minute
-ll

 

Re: he's not calling back! ****trigger drugs**** Ľ llrrrpp

Posted by llrrrpp on July 1, 2006, at 21:37:47

In reply to Re: he's not calling back! ****trigger drugs**** Ľ ElaineM, posted by llrrrpp on July 1, 2006, at 21:35:56

http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/ch/chat.cgi

I'll be there for an hour or so
-ll

 

talked to him **trigger?** Ľ llrrrpp

Posted by ElaineM on July 2, 2006, at 11:23:05

In reply to Re: he's not calling back! ****trigger drugs**** Ľ llrrrpp, posted by llrrrpp on July 1, 2006, at 21:37:47

LL, Muff, HappyF: Thanks for keeping me company last night. I needed distraction pretty badly. I was talking to my T today. He was still away and his cell didn't work out there. He was so sorry. He apoligized alot. We'll stay in contact today, but I'll wait until tomorrow to see him as usual. He's going to look up info on rehab centers.

My sister and I are going to my brother today to talk to him, with my parents and two other family members. It's going to be a mess but what else is there to do? I barely ever speak to my parents, and my sister and them hate each other and never even usually say "hi". I don't know how anything productive can possibly come of this. But we've never gone through something like this before. I've done inpatient for eating, but chemicals are so different. I just have no hope at all. He thinks he's okay. His rages are so frightening. He's so young and defiant, and has grown up so un-parented. I should've done more, but I used to get in so much trouble when I "interfered" that way.

I just about give up. It never ends. There's worse cr@p to worry about than a T touching me, or loving me too much, or whatever. I can't take anything else. I feel like one more thing and I'll implode. If someone said Boo I think I'd start bawling. If I stubbed my toe, or dropped a dish, I'd probably SI. I can't take all this. I just want to make it through this afternoon without going mad.

But thanks for last night, it kept me safe (and made me laugh)

you helped, EL

 

Re: yesterday at the clinic **triggers** Ľ ElaineM

Posted by caraher on July 6, 2006, at 13:16:09

In reply to Re: yesterday at the clinic **triggers** Ľ caraher, posted by ElaineM on June 30, 2006, at 16:12:58

> I kinda might not know what you mean by "Stockholm syndrome". Is that when you love someone who is bad for you so much, they seem good?

It refers to hostage situations in which hostages begin to identify more with their captors, to their own detriment. It sounds wierd but it happens...

> I hope this part doesn't make you feel weird. I only learned that you're a man in one of your more recent posts, and it means alot to me that your message is so kind. I'm not used to men saying generous things for no other reason than being nice. It is hard for me to comprehend. My T doesn't sound like you anymore. I won't get into it because it's over, but I've come to kinda fear all men. My last T, who I loved so much, decided that she would send me to a male T to get me used to being around not only females anymore. I wish she had just kept me.
>
> Anyways, sorry if anything I said creeps you out, or makes you mad. I didn't mean for it to. Just wanted to say that seeing you say nice things like the women makes me a little relieved, or hopeful, or something. (not that you're like a women ... I hope this isn't coming out all wrong. If it did, I never meant to offend you. I hope you know what I mean)

Why should what you wrote creep me out? I'm glad to give you hope and temper your fears. There are plenty of other "nice guys" around on Babble (as well as "real life") but a certain wariness is always prudent. Anyway, I take your comments as a compliment and thank you for your kind words!


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