Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 662336

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My T got me figured out, I think

Posted by llrrrpp on June 28, 2006, at 18:10:42

News Flash:

I have unmet dependence needs.

I have issues with expressing my emotions, preferring instead to hold anger & rage inside.

I hold myself to very high expectations, and therefore demand that others also live up to my high expectations (which is why I'm always disappointed by people)

I know what the goal is, but I view almost any obstacle as insurmountable, and give up easily, without realizing that I have the tools to deal with most obstacles.

When things go wrong, my first reaction is to look for someone to blame. Or, I blame myself. I also expect people to apologize when they make a mistake, because I do (usually).

Geez, maybe I should have put up a harder fight. Maybe I'm too simple. I should have been more challenging for my T. Now he's got me figured out. and so what?

I won't see him again for 4 weeks. plenty of time to either a) go crazy or b) fix my boo-boos

Au Revoir,
-llrrrpp

 

Re: My T got me figured out, I think llrrrpp

Posted by Dinah on June 28, 2006, at 20:37:12

In reply to My T got me figured out, I think, posted by llrrrpp on June 28, 2006, at 18:10:42

Are you leaving for your trip?

Sounds like you had a session like I did. :) We were calmly discussing my... dysfunctional coping responses.

Would you believe that he said that although it wasn't clinically wise at the time to tell me so, he was glad when I called him a b*stard to his face? He says it was a healthy expression of my anger.

Go figure what will please these therapists. :)

The hard part comes when they offer healthy alternatives that aren't quite as effective as the unhealthy ones. My therapist is still trying to convince me to give up short term relief in order to practice long term improvements in my coping skills.

 

Re: My T got me figured out, I think Dinah

Posted by llrrrpp on June 28, 2006, at 20:51:06

In reply to Re: My T got me figured out, I think llrrrpp, posted by Dinah on June 28, 2006, at 20:37:12

> Are you leaving for your trip?
I leave in 6 days -thanks for asking :)
>
> Sounds like you had a session like I did. :) We were calmly discussing my... dysfunctional coping responses.

Yep. One of those.

> Would you believe that he said that although it wasn't clinically wise at the time to tell me so, he was glad when I called him a b*stard to his face? He says it was a healthy expression of my anger.

I had a lovely opportunity to go for it. T's cell phone rang. and he TOOK the call. for real. And I was pretty grumpy. and then we were back to talking. and I was about to say something important- and the CELL PHONE RANG again. and he took the call. I almost thought it was staged, but it wasn't, because it was too random. Anyways. I had TWO opportunities to deal with my frustration. and I let them slip. bummer. I'm going to cut him some slack, because this has never happened before, and because it was obviously some kind of emergency with his kids, and I think family is more important than work. So.

> Go figure what will please these therapists. :)
>
> The hard part comes when they offer healthy alternatives that aren't quite as effective as the unhealthy ones. My therapist is still trying to convince me to give up short term relief in order to practice long term improvements in my coping skills.

yeah. like- I'm supposed to deal with my anger- not by releasing it in an llrrrpptantrum, but rather to calmly say what is bothering me and why. I haven't got the self control to calmly say anything. I just seethe on the inside when someone disrespects me. OR, I send them an angry e-mail. smile to their face, and 3 hours later, an e-mail bomb awaits them in their inboxes. What a freak I am.

 

Re: My T got me figured out, I think llrrrpp

Posted by sunnydays on June 28, 2006, at 21:05:25

In reply to My T got me figured out, I think, posted by llrrrpp on June 28, 2006, at 18:10:42

I hate it when they figure us out. :) Then it feels like we're always being tripped up (at least, that's been my experience). Anger is such a hard emotion, too. It's very scary for me to even think about being angry, and my T keeps reminding me that it's just a feeling like any other and can have healthy and unhealthy expressions. But I think that anger is so difficult because it can be so dangerous if it is expressed in an unhealthy way. At least, for me that's why. I'm so afraid of being like family members who I have seen in what my T calls 'rage', which he differentiates from just 'anger'. I tend to hold any anger inside, or I change it immediately into anger at myself, instead of anger at the appropriate situation or person.

Anyway, I know I talked about myself a lot in this post, but I guess I really wanted to just say I get it (at least a little bit). And 4 weeks is a very long time. Feel free to post if you need support. It can be very hard to go that long without seeing one's therapist. And I don't think you need to fix your boo-boos in that 4 weeks, either, or go crazy. Maybe try to find a happy medium. Do something to take care of yourself.

Take care llrrrpp.

sunnydays

 

Re: My T got me figured out, I think llrrrpp

Posted by fairywings on June 28, 2006, at 23:57:23

In reply to My T got me figured out, I think, posted by llrrrpp on June 28, 2006, at 18:10:42

This sounds a lot like me LL! I love the big revelations even if they feel SO overwhelming at the time!

fw

 

Re: My T got me figured out, I think sunnydays

Posted by Daisym on June 29, 2006, at 2:02:14

In reply to Re: My T got me figured out, I think llrrrpp, posted by sunnydays on June 28, 2006, at 21:05:25

Sounds like anger is the topic of the week. My therapist wants me to let anger speak...what does "anger" want? Anger wants to hurt, rage at and otherwise tear at those that hurt me. And that is really, really scary.

He tells me that this is normal, I'm not a saint (hey!) and I can have the feelings without the actions. And he promises not to let any anger that I bring into sessions be destructive, either to myself or to our relationship. I hope he is right. Because mostly, anger wants to remember. To make a list of all the hurts, the very old hurts and wounds and bad things. I'm terrified that I'm starting over with the memories, only this time being angry about them.

Please keep sharing, if you can, how you are dealing with anger in sessions. I need all the help I can get!
Hugs,
Daisy

 

Re: My T got me figured out, I think llrrrpp

Posted by Daisym on June 29, 2006, at 2:03:43

In reply to My T got me figured out, I think, posted by llrrrpp on June 28, 2006, at 18:10:42

Now, the trick is, what to do about all those things? Asking the questions is easy. Finding the answers is so much harder.

Unmet dependency needs strikes a cord with me. How does your therapist deal with this?

Have fun on your trip.
DAisy

 

Re: My T got me figured out, I think Daisym

Posted by llrrrpp on June 29, 2006, at 6:51:34

In reply to Re: My T got me figured out, I think sunnydays, posted by Daisym on June 29, 2006, at 2:02:14

> Because mostly, anger wants to remember. To make a list of all the hurts, the very old hurts and wounds and bad things.

oh yes, this is SO true. I hope this isn't the only way I can remember my dad. it's either anger or sadness. Can't really recall any warm fuzzy feelings. Just pain and resentment. Maybe I'll make some new memories. This is so complicated.

thanks for your hugs. [hugs back]
-ll

 

Re: My T got me figured out, I think Daisym

Posted by llrrrpp on June 29, 2006, at 6:59:27

In reply to Re: My T got me figured out, I think llrrrpp, posted by Daisym on June 29, 2006, at 2:03:43

Well, T and I don't really have a therapeutic relationship discussion started yet. The only thing I've ever said about our relationship is that I find him intimidating, and he chuckled.

Mostly we talked about these dependency needs in the context of negotiating what I expect from my husband, and how my expectations are unreasonable.

I also dropped a bombshell @ the very end of the session about how my mom had 2 jobs when I was growing up and I never could count on her to be there, and how I had to take care of the family. cooking and cleaning and all that. I don't think T saw that one coming.

Answers? dunno. going to go off in search of them. got my tweed hat, and my notepad, and my magnifying glass. Watson!

 

Re: My T got me figured out, I think

Posted by rainbutterfly on June 29, 2006, at 8:12:09

In reply to My T got me figured out, I think, posted by llrrrpp on June 28, 2006, at 18:10:42

hey ll,
Anger and unmet dependence needs sounds like me - it took me years to let go of the hurt regarding my parents .... they were cold... and I could go on.... I am not there yet either! I did transfer a lot of anger onto my therapist. I guess that is part of the process. He moved away though so I am having to find someone else :o( And more anger and hurt caused by the abandonment grr.

Thanks for sharing this, I still struggle to verbalise my feelings sometimes (expression of feelings were taboo in the parental home and I internalised that to mean that feelings were taboo :o(..) so your posts and others here help me quite a bit. It sounds like you've done a lot of work in the time you've seen your T, it's good to be open (more than I am anyway, grin)

((((llrrpp)))))

 

Re: My T got me figured out, I think Daisym

Posted by sunnydays on June 29, 2006, at 9:03:35

In reply to Re: My T got me figured out, I think sunnydays, posted by Daisym on June 29, 2006, at 2:02:14

I really haven't dealt with anger too much, because it's so scary for me that I tend to dissociate. One session I did admit that I am sometimes angry, and we tried to identify who I'm angry at. And my T always points out when he thinks I'm expressing anger in a session (either through sarcasm, or just what I'm saying), which usually scares me and I don't talk anymore about it. And he is very careful to ask, when I'm telling him about things that happened in the past, what I'm feeling. I usually say sad, and he always tells me its fine to feel sad, or angry, or whatever. I think he's trying to plant the seed in my mind. :) Anyway, that's about all we've done with anger at this point because I avoid it so strongly. I can't even recognize most times if I am angry. I'd like to hear about some of your experiences, too, if you want to share.
sunnydays

 

Re: My T got me figured out, I think rainbutterfly

Posted by gardenergirl on June 29, 2006, at 10:11:31

In reply to Re: My T got me figured out, I think, posted by rainbutterfly on June 29, 2006, at 8:12:09

> hey ll,
> Anger and unmet dependence needs sounds like me - it took me years to let go of the hurt regarding my parents ....

Me too. I'm still working on some of it. And now some of it is getting transferred (or maybe it's new, I don't know) to my husband. It's coming out more directly now versus passive-aggressively. I suppose that's good, but it's weird and uncomfortable. Sigh

Anger is tough.

And llrrrpp, I suppose in some ways it's good that T understands well, but I can relate to how it feels to hear it. It can be sort of, um, off-putting at times.

gg

 

Re: My T got me figured out, I think gardenergirl

Posted by llrrrpp on June 29, 2006, at 11:11:44

In reply to Re: My T got me figured out, I think rainbutterfly, posted by gardenergirl on June 29, 2006, at 10:11:31


> Me too. I'm still working on some of it. And now some of it is getting transferred (or maybe it's new, I don't know) to my husband. It's coming out more directly now versus passive-aggressively. I suppose that's good, but it's weird and uncomfortable. Sigh
>
> Anger is tough.
>
> And llrrrpp, I suppose in some ways it's good that T understands well, but I can relate to how it feels to hear it. It can be sort of, um, off-putting at times.
>

i was in good spirits, so i was happy to hear that he understood me so well. I think he's quite perceptive. And he makes me laugh, which is nice.

i told my husband about this list of llrrrpp "issues" and he's like "well, duh-- but you've always been like this, even before you were psycho (depressed) so what? Oh, yeah, did you tell him about the time you hurt my feelings by _____?" Um no, honey, you can find a T and talk about your feelings to your T. I explained to husband, that these patterns of respondng to the world might work some of the time, but when I'm under extreme stress, like perhaps now (husband away in military, llrrrpp writing a dissertation) the old ways just aren't good enough. hence depression.


 

Re: My T got me figured out, I think llrrrpp

Posted by gardenergirl on June 29, 2006, at 11:29:12

In reply to Re: My T got me figured out, I think gardenergirl, posted by llrrrpp on June 29, 2006, at 11:11:44

Oh my, my husband said the same thing to me when I told him about anxiety. When I first started taking Nardil, I felt so darned confident compared to my usual, that I realized I must have been anxious before. I never really knew that. I always thought of it as depression. So I told him that, and he said, "Duh. You've always been anxious."

Um, you might have mentioned that a bit SOONER!

:)

And oh no...the D-word. Yeah, that might almost be a trigger word for me these days. Sigh

 

Re: My T got me figured out, I think gardenergirl

Posted by llrrrpp on June 29, 2006, at 12:16:12

In reply to Re: My T got me figured out, I think llrrrpp, posted by gardenergirl on June 29, 2006, at 11:29:12

> And oh no...the D-word. Yeah, that might almost be a trigger word for me these days. Sigh

Which one? the Dpression or the Dssertation?

they are both about Dnial, in my opinion.

 

Re: My T got me figured out, I think llrrrpp

Posted by gardenergirl on June 29, 2006, at 12:53:32

In reply to Re: My T got me figured out, I think gardenergirl, posted by llrrrpp on June 29, 2006, at 12:16:12

D'uh. ;)
(best I could do in a hurry)

But I call my (cringes) dissertation the D-word.

gg

 

Re: My T got me figured out, I think rainbutterfly

Posted by cubic_me on June 29, 2006, at 14:12:07

In reply to Re: My T got me figured out, I think, posted by rainbutterfly on June 29, 2006, at 8:12:09

> hey ll,
> Anger and unmet dependence needs sounds like me - it took me years to let go of the hurt regarding my parents .... they were cold... and I could go on.... I am not there yet either!
>
> Thanks for sharing this, I still struggle to verbalise my feelings sometimes (expression of feelings were taboo in the parental home and I internalised that to mean that feelings were taboo :o(..)

I could have written these bits of your posts about me.

I think it's kind of good when your T figures you out, scary though, partly because now they've listened to you and worked things out you actually have to start working at changing things!

 

Re: My T got me figured out, I think

Posted by Jost on June 29, 2006, at 19:47:46

In reply to Re: My T got me figured out, I think rainbutterfly, posted by cubic_me on June 29, 2006, at 14:12:07

When I read your T's analysis of you, llrrrpp, it sounded so much like me.

Except I can get pretty angry. My T wants me to stop being so "negative" --which I might be able to do, thanks to emsam (knock on wood).

One thing about your thesis is that someday you'll probably realize what's most important is getting it done (of course, you need to do good job, but nowhere nearly as good as you might think) and-- in retrospect--- and you'll wish you'd just pumped it out without tying yourself up in knots.

I know I did. But maybe part of the process is getting into the knots and eventually realizing that you don't need to do that to do something very worthwhile.

Jost

 

Re: My T got me figured out, I think Jost

Posted by llrrrpp on June 29, 2006, at 20:05:31

In reply to Re: My T got me figured out, I think, posted by Jost on June 29, 2006, at 19:47:46

> When I read your T's analysis of you, llrrrpp, it sounded so much like me.
>
> Except I can get pretty angry. My T wants me to stop being so "negative" --which I might be able to do, thanks to emsam (knock on wood).
>
> One thing about your thesis is that someday you'll probably realize what's most important is getting it done (of course, you need to do good job, but nowhere nearly as good as you might think) and-- in retrospect--- and you'll wish you'd just pumped it out without tying yourself up in knots.
>
> I know I did. But maybe part of the process is getting into the knots and eventually realizing that you don't need to do that to do something very worthwhile.
>

Thanks Jost. Darf ich Ihnen umarmen? You cheered me up. I need pep talks that convince me my expectations are too _____.

I've never been a super perfectionist. I picked my topic out of convenience, rather than passion. I should hardly be surprised when the work is more tedious than I would have liked. Oh well. Some things are really fun, and other things... like writing. ARE NOT. Which is hilarious, because I can spend all evening writing on babble.

Fortunately, I have at least a third of the writing done. I do about an hour or two work on it every day. I need to step it up to 2-3 hours. I know I can do it. The truth is that it's just a project like any others. I have lots of cool projects. I'm probably dragging my feet because I don't want to go into the real world and find WORK. ugh.

I think my T is trying to get me to express my anger in ways that are constructive, rather than destructive. I've gone off on rants in our sessions (about my difficult colleagues and such) and he's said "you sound angry. why are you angry?" and then I calmly say- I'm angry, because X said he would do this analysis that I need, and I haven't gotten a reply from him in 3 weeks". T says- that's great, now can you go to X and tell him this, in the way that you've just told me?" I say "NO!!- because if I go to X, I'm going to have a temper tantrum and act unprofessional!!!"

so, I can do the reasoning in neutral territory (in T's office) but not in real life, in real time. Not yet. I'm going to practice this. T assures me that the world will not fall apart if I act unprofessional every once in a while. As it is now, I appear erratic. I was once supremely passive agressive. Lately been morphing randomly into active agressive, and then back to my sickeningly saccharine bit*h face. I must seem pretty psycho :)

-ll

 

Re: My T got me figured out, I think

Posted by Jost on June 30, 2006, at 23:02:58

In reply to Re: My T got me figured out, I think Jost, posted by llrrrpp on June 29, 2006, at 20:05:31

I'll check my German dictionary wenn wir sollten Deutsche sprechen, llrrrpp, but let me just say, in short, to your question: Naturlich!

Although I'm not as much of a hugger as lots of people, I appreciate the thought...

I know what you mean about being constructively angry, as opposed to destructively-- or ranting (in great detail) about various incredibly awful but somehow rather insignificant things done and said. I work on it as much as I can, but the feedback loop is strong. Usually if I stop after a couple of sentences, I've said 90% or more of what there is--the rest is just iterations and permutations.

Being professional is something I struggled with-- I've found a way of working with people, which isn't professional-- but isn't unprofessional either. I can't always disguise my mood, but I try very hard not to impose on people I work with-- I try to be fair to them-- not to make it uncomfortable-- although I'm easier to read than I think is ideal--

I hope you'll follow through with your pdoc, by the way. (Not to bug you, though--)

Jost

 

Re: My T got me figured out, I think Jost

Posted by llrrrpp on June 30, 2006, at 23:12:35

In reply to Re: My T got me figured out, I think, posted by Jost on June 30, 2006, at 23:02:58

Ja Jost,
to tell you the truth, I'm not much of a hugger either. I've grown to like cyberhugs though. They're safe, and don't involve the whole weirdness of en-arming someone :)

Today I was very professional. Because I only sat at home and did my work on the e-mail <grin>

For a long time (umm 25 years?) I was very good about keeping the emotions inside. Very tightly corked. My T told me that I was very repressed. Now that I'm allowing myself to experience emotions for the first time, I am realizing that I haven't quite mastered the delicate art of adjusting their expression to the social context I find myself in.

I'll follow through with my pdoc. I already have written out for him a list of things to discuss on Monday.

I *like* to be bugged, by the way. thanks for remembering.
-ll


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