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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by crushedout on June 21, 2006, at 0:23:34
Here: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20060512/msgs/659563.htmlI'm sorry I've been so absent. I don't mean to be abrupt, either--I'm just trying to break the ice. I guess I'm reaching out for help, or trying to. Not sure it will work. :(
Posted by Tamar on June 21, 2006, at 4:46:44
In reply to I posted on the substance abuse board, posted by crushedout on June 21, 2006, at 0:23:34
(((((crushed)))))
It's really nice to see you posting. I was wondering yesterday how you were doing. I was thinking about you because I was thinking about what it would be like to have a female therapist. So I'm really glad to see you here.
I'm sorry to hear you're using a lot. I was afraid that might be the case. I wish we could find other ways of helping you manage the pain.
I'm so sad you're hurting. Sometimes it seems to me as if you don't believe you deserve to hurt less, but you can’t stand the pain and so you use. Maybe I’m wrong.
I want to say to you, “You matter. We care about you. You don’t deserve this much pain.” And I wish you would believe it.
I’d love to hear more about what's going on in your life, if you’re up to sharing.
Tamar
Posted by crushedout on June 21, 2006, at 15:00:36
In reply to Re: I posted on the substance abuse board » crushedout, posted by Tamar on June 21, 2006, at 4:46:44
Thanks so much for your post, Tamar. It was touching to read it when I woke up this morning. It made me glad I reached out and hopeful that maybe I can find the support I need, somehow, to get better.I do want to fill you in more on what's been going on with me, but it's so much stuff that I find it kind of overwhelming. My life has been pretty intense lately--my career has kind of taken off and I'm making more money than I ever have before. I'm also finding very rewarding creative outlets. And I'm working very hard in therapy (although my therapist thinks I'm working equally hard to sabotage my therapy at the same time, and I think she might be right).
But the drug use is out of control and I have so many things to live for, I don't know why I'm trying to do myself in. It doesn't make sense.
It's hard to write here about substance abuse stuff because I know a lot of the people I know and care about on this site don't identify with my problems and may even judge me negatively for them (even though they may know intellectually that they shouldn't). That's always a problem with drug addiction. There's a lot of stigma attached.
But I posted here anyway because this is where most of my babblefriends hang out, and I do need friends right now.
Anyway, it's really nice to hear from you. Maybe I will send you a babblemail soon?
crushed
Posted by Tamar on June 21, 2006, at 19:45:31
In reply to Re: I posted on the substance abuse board » Tamar, posted by crushedout on June 21, 2006, at 15:00:36
Hey crushed,
Nice to hear from you again.
> I do want to fill you in more on what's been going on with me, but it's so much stuff that I find it kind of overwhelming. My life has been pretty intense lately--my career has kind of taken off and I'm making more money than I ever have before. I'm also finding very rewarding creative outlets. And I'm working very hard in therapy (although my therapist thinks I'm working equally hard to sabotage my therapy at the same time, and I think she might be right).
Congratulations on your career! And I’m very glad you’re working hard in therapy. I can understand the sabotage thing; I do a lot of that. In my case it’s because I don’t believe I’m really capable of living up to other people’s expectations, so if I seem to be doing well I try to do less well so that people won’t expect more than I feel able to deliver.
> But the drug use is out of control and I have so many things to live for, I don't know why I'm trying to do myself in. It doesn't make sense.
It’s not unusual. Perhaps it’s partly a fear of success. And of course the urge to self-medicate is a powerful one. Sometimes I think life would be so much easier if I were drugged up to the eyeballs and incapable of feeling anything.
> It's hard to write here about substance abuse stuff because I know a lot of the people I know and care about on this site don't identify with my problems and may even judge me negatively for them (even though they may know intellectually that they shouldn't). That's always a problem with drug addiction. There's a lot of stigma attached.
That’s unfortunate. I don’t know… I haven’t seen a lot of judgement here. But you are right that drug use often carries a stigma. However, if people urge you not to use drugs, I hope they’re talking from a deep concern for you rather than from a sense of judgement. I know I’d be happier if you weren’t using. But I can’t possibly judge you because I use (alcohol) and I don’t see that there’s much difference between alcohol and most illegal drugs. And I’m a smoker too, so I know all about addiction!
> Anyway, it's really nice to hear from you. Maybe I will send you a babblemail soon?
That would be great!
Tamar
Posted by crushedout on June 24, 2006, at 13:51:01
In reply to Re: I posted on the substance abuse board » crushedout, posted by Tamar on June 21, 2006, at 19:45:31
> I can understand the sabotage thing; I do a lot of that. In my case it’s because I don’t believe I’m really capable of living up to other people’s expectations, so if I seem to be doing well I try to do less well so that people won’t expect more than I feel able to deliver.I do the same thing. I think maybe that's tied up with the fear of success thing, too? Like, maybe that's part of why we fear success? Expectations will be raised that took many years of hard work to lower.
> That’s unfortunate. I don’t know… I haven’t seen a lot of judgement here.I don't think it's often overt, but I can feel it.
> However, if people urge you not to use drugs, I hope they’re talking from a deep concern for you rather than from a sense of judgement.I think most people are. But not my stepmother, which is really unfortunate.
>I know I’d be happier if you weren’t using. But I can’t possibly judge you because I use (alcohol) and I don’t see that there’s much difference between alcohol and most illegal drugs. And I’m a smoker too, so I know all about addiction!Really? Well, then you do. I agree there's not much difference between alcohol and most illegal drugs. When I talk about "drugs," I'm usually including alcohol, actually. When you say you "use" alcohol, though, what do you mean? And how much do you smoke? (if you don't mind talking about it)
Your insight and concern have helped me a lot, Tamar, thank you!
crushed
Posted by Dinah on June 24, 2006, at 16:23:33
In reply to I posted on the substance abuse board, posted by crushedout on June 21, 2006, at 0:23:34
Hi Crushed!
I'm sorry I missed your post earlier.
It's good to see your name again, though I wish you were feeling better.
Are you back to regular therapy with your no longer new therapist?
Posted by crushedout on June 24, 2006, at 17:27:58
In reply to Re: I posted on the substance abuse board, posted by Dinah on June 24, 2006, at 16:23:33
Hi Dinah! It's so good to see you also.Yes, I am. She is really a wonderful therapist. She is exactly what I need, I think, in a therapist. I only wish she could fill all my needs. :(
Posted by fallsfall on June 24, 2006, at 18:48:31
In reply to Re: I posted on the substance abuse board ? Dinah, posted by crushedout on June 24, 2006, at 17:27:58
>I only wish she could fill all my needs.
I can relate to that! I think it is true that noone can fill all of anyone's needs, though. I think that it is necessary and helpful to have a support community. I'm glad that you see Babble as part of your support community!
My addiction is to depression. It is such a comfortable, familiar place for me. But, clearly, it isn't good for me - anymore than your drugs are good for you. My therapist and I talk about trying to not slip back to the comfortable depression when things get stressful. The most helpful thing that he does is to help me to identify what the underlying issues are. It doesn't help me much for him to say "Don't take a nap" (though sometimes he does say that). What helps is when we explore what I'm trying to avoid by sleeping. If we can resolve the underlying problems, then I have no desire to take a nap. (Though if I've been depressed enough, I have to work on stamina before I can get back into the real world)
Wanting to change our behavior is the first step. I hope that you can use your desire to move you in the direction you want to go! Good luck!
This is the end of the thread.
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