Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 659801

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How do you move on from an abusive childhood?

Posted by happyflower on June 21, 2006, at 16:20:41

My whole like I always lived my life like it didn't happen, but it doesn't mean it didn't have it's affects on you.
Now that I am older I see how it has effected me during my childhood and as an adult, I see everything was affected to some extent.

I endured tramatic, ritual, on going abuse as a child. Some could have ended my life If I wasn't so strong and stubborn to survive. I endured major severe physical, major emotional, possiablly sexual abuse (this on is a recent new discovery), and terrible neglect of my basic needs.

But I always thought I was "okay" and I tried to make the most of my life. But now looking back, I could have done so much better in many areas of my life. Just looking what I have done in a year as a 37 yr. old and compairing it to me as a 21 yr. old. The abuse DID effect me in a big way.

Some good ways are in how I am raising my own kids. I could NEVER hurt them in anyway intentionally. They are loved like kids should be loved.

So I look at my life, and I do have problems like in my marriage, but overall it seems okay compared to a lot of people. But that isn't good enough now..
But I am NOT okay with what happend to me. I am NOT okay with how it has effected my personality and life.

I do admit I understand the effects of the abuse on my life more than ever, which is good I think. But how do you let it all go? Can you reverse some of the negative aspects of your personality due to it? I feel very angry, more than ever at my life and my choices. How do you move on from something so tramatic that has happened for years, and the effects of it all my life?
I want to ask my T what I need to change about my personality to become a better person. I really want to hear the truth from him. He knows me more than anyone does, and I feel like I could get some real answers from him. I plan on asking him all of these questions too. Maybe there aren't many answers, maybe I have to figure it out on my own. But I am going to ask all of you and my T anyways.

 

Re: How do you move on from an abusive childhood?

Posted by sunnydays on June 21, 2006, at 18:02:28

In reply to How do you move on from an abusive childhood?, posted by happyflower on June 21, 2006, at 16:20:41

I really wish I knew the answer to your question. It sounds so like what I am struggling with. I once asked my T, almost in tears, "Why won't this go away?" He answered immediately in the most gentle voice, "You have to be ready to let it go." I think that was the perfect answer. I also think it might have something to do with what you're experiencing. Maybe you can't put the anger behind you because you haven't allowed yourself to feel the anger enough yet. Maybe you aren't ready to put it behind you. Or maybe you are and I'm way off base here. But for me, at least, I feel like once I have felt the feelings about my abuse enough, it will hopefully become a nonissue. I won't have to ask, "Why won't it go away?" because it will simply be gone. I will have done what I need to do and be over it. But I think it's probably different for every single person who has ever been abused what it is you need to do. So good luck, and I wish I had a better answer. It's really hard, though, isn't it? ((((happyflower))))

 

Re: How do you move on from an abusive childhood? » happyflower

Posted by Tamar on June 21, 2006, at 19:29:40

In reply to How do you move on from an abusive childhood?, posted by happyflower on June 21, 2006, at 16:20:41

It would be very strange if those experiences hadn’t affected you.

And it’s wonderful that you have had the strength of character to be able to love and be loved. Especially with your children. That’s actually one of the hardest things to overcome, as far as I can tell. May people with terrible childhoods have huge difficulties parenting their own children. And maybe you have had difficulties, but you have had the moral fibre to do what you believe is right. Good for you!

I think you have definitely made the best of things. I know things are difficult in your marriage at the moment, but the fact is, you have been capable of having an intimate relationship. That’s something to congratulate yourself for, because not everyone can do it. You have succeeded in working through a great many intimacy issues to get to that point.

I think you have probably been working hard all your life to deal with the effects of the abuse you suffered as a child. You are a very courageous person and you are determined enough to get results when you try to overcome your past.

About letting it go: I don’t think you can rewrite history. It won’t ever be trivial to you. But you can keep working on ways of living with it.

I think there are definite things you need: you need safety. You had that in your marriage and now it seems as if your relationship doesn’t feel as safe as it used to. That’s a huge problem, and one that doesn’t have easy answers.

You need affirmation and validation. You need some trusted people who will understand what you have been through and who will take your side against the people who hurt you, even if taking your side is a largely symbolic thing.

You also need to find ways of feeling part of ‘normal society’. Being abused as a child sets people apart from ‘normality’ because despite the awareness of child abuse, it’s not an experience people really understand. I think your music is a great way of finding your way back into the mainstream, but there may still be times when you feel marginalised because of your experiences.

I’m curious about why you think you need to be a better person. I think you’re a wonderful person. Maybe you could focus on being a happier person – that seems like a reasonable goal. But I don’t think you need to change who you are fundamentally. You’re great just the way you are!

Tamar


 

Re: How do you move on from an abusive childhood?

Posted by antigua on June 21, 2006, at 20:22:14

In reply to How do you move on from an abusive childhood?, posted by happyflower on June 21, 2006, at 16:20:41

You eceived some excellent advice above, but I want to add something else. I know it may sound funny, but sometimes you have to grieve for what you never had. It can make you very angry, but it's also hurtful to know that you (we) missed out on some great opportunities that other more normal kids had. This was really hard for me to do--why didn't I have parents who saw my strengths and encouraged me to follow my dreams (as I do with my own children).

I think of how much I've lost because of the abuse--YEARS, a whole life really, that I will never have.

So don't underestimate grieving. It's part of letting go. I haven't fully let go, but it's funny but I told my T today that I can really see the benefit of letting go. Oh, but if it were only that easy!!
best,
antigua

 

Re: How do you move on from an abusive childhood? » antigua

Posted by sunnydays on June 21, 2006, at 21:06:30

In reply to Re: How do you move on from an abusive childhood?, posted by antigua on June 21, 2006, at 20:22:14

Thanks for adding that, antigua. It's a really good point. I guess I feel like I have been stuck in the grieving. My therapist is trying to get me to realize that I actually have a right to be angry because I am completely afraid to show any anger at all, so maybe that's why I focused on the anger issue. But your post is right on. Grieving is SOOOOO hard, and it feels like I can never possibly grieve enough sometimes, but thanks for reminding me that is an important thing to do and can't be minimized as an incredibly important part of the process.

 

Re: How do you move on from an abusive childhood? » Tamar

Posted by orchid on June 21, 2006, at 21:49:19

In reply to Re: How do you move on from an abusive childhood? » happyflower, posted by Tamar on June 21, 2006, at 19:29:40

I second Tamar, and no I could never say it better than she has.

Also, from my experience, many Ts will only help you do reasonably well ie, if you are worse to start with and you make it up to the point of doing good, then they will be happy with it, and will not strive to help you make extremely happy and positive and living life fully. If you are ok, and doing reasonably well, then most Ts shrug at that point and would want to live your life on your own (from my exp).

I think you are already doing quite allright, and the rest of the life is yours to figure out and take and doing what you enjoy doing. There is no need to become better - just to enjoy. Find things which you like to do, and keep yourself amused at life, and when the bad things do come up every now and then, spend some time to understand where they are coming from, and deal with it, and then move on to the next fun thing. There is no need to strive to become better or perfect. You can even be completely lousy if you are happy :-) Unless if you think there is still some buring pain or issue that needs to be addressed, and you constantly feel empty or meaningless or not being able to enjoy, I think you even need not probe into yourself any further. And happiness doesn't usually come from probing or gaining too much insight, it comes really from just living a positive and fun filled life.

 

Oops. above for HF. (nm) » orchid

Posted by orchid on June 21, 2006, at 21:56:37

In reply to Re: How do you move on from an abusive childhood? » Tamar, posted by orchid on June 21, 2006, at 21:49:19

 

Re: How do you move on from an abusive childhood?

Posted by Daisym on June 22, 2006, at 3:30:49

In reply to Re: How do you move on from an abusive childhood? » Tamar, posted by orchid on June 21, 2006, at 21:49:19

I think the truth is that you don't move on from an abusive childhood. You are who you are because of your unique experiences. The life you lead is balanced on the life you had before. Can you imagine anyone saying, "How do I move past my normal childhood?" Because you already have "moved past it" simply by growing up. I think your QBQ (question behind the question) is really "when does it stop hurting?" and that is a much harder question to answer. But perhaps the truth there is that it never stops completely, it just becomes background noise.

There is so much to be angry about, not the least of which is having to go through it again to heal. But I think we are all beginning to figure out our own personal narrative and develop a way to describe our life that isn't crushing, yet is true. I think we develop this narrative in stages. First, we have to sort things and answer questions for ourselves about the truth. Then we have to tell our story to a caring witness. And we have to get feedback that validates our feelings -- yes, it was bad; no, it wasn't your fault. We have to tell and retell the story...because WE need to believe it and WE need to acknowledge just what the impact of the abuse is. And intertwined is grieving, being angry, being needy, and growing and changing. It is a painful journey towards acceptance. I'm not sure I'll ever get there, and I don't think acceptance is a phase you reach and stay in. I think we have to accept our childhoods for what they were, over and over again. Everytime we understand ourselves better, we have to acknowledge the abuse and its affects. There will be ongoing triggers, some worse than others, but they will always probably push our buttons.

As harsh as this sounds, I think you can't move past something that is inside you. But you can make choices about your behavior and about acknowledging your feelings. Change happens with selfdiscovery. You have come a long way on this journey, and I admire you for how hard you are working on everything.

 

Re: How do you move on from an abusive childhood? » Daisym

Posted by antigua on June 22, 2006, at 7:46:54

In reply to Re: How do you move on from an abusive childhood?, posted by Daisym on June 22, 2006, at 3:30:49

Maybe it's semantics that makes the difference between our views. I think you can move on, but you never forget. To me, moving on would mean that I don't think about it all the time and that I've learned new coping skills that lessen the impact of any triggers.

There's a plus side, too, though. I wouldn't be the woman I am today if I hadn't gone through this. In no way am I saying that it was good I went through it, but it shape who I became. And with therapy, I think I'm learning to accept that. I wouldn't be as resilient, or have instant radar about people, and I probably would not be as good of a mother as I am.

For me, moving on means that while it's with me everyday, I don't let it rule my life.

I have to believe this, or I wouldn't have any hope.
best,
antigua

 

Re: How do you move on from an abusive childhood?

Posted by B2chica on June 22, 2006, at 9:12:46

In reply to Re: How do you move on from an abusive childhood? » Daisym, posted by antigua on June 22, 2006, at 7:46:54

-"You have to be ready to let it go."
-sometimes you have to grieve for what you never had.
-But perhaps the truth there is that it never stops completely, it just becomes background noise.
-For me, moving on means that while it's with me everyday, I don't let it rule my life.

can you believe some of these responses...
it's probably some of the most sound, responsible, accurate advice i've ever heard. i think you should all get paid for your services. sometimes i swear i get better words from you all then several of my T's combined.

i want to say thank you to happyflower for asking the right question at the right time. i think i really needed to hear the responses others gave you right now.

i'm sorry you are still hurting HF. but i really like what the others have said. and i do agree. and mostly think that you have done an INCREDIBLE job in having your children and treating them the way you do. That alone is a miracle in itself. for you to have suffered so much terrible abuse and you strong enough to not carry that onto your own children. it's amazing. and to be honest, gives people like me who are afraid to have children, a glimmer of hope.

take care sweet happyflower.
b2c

 

Re: How do you move on from an abusive childhood? » B2chica

Posted by antigua on June 22, 2006, at 16:02:51

In reply to Re: How do you move on from an abusive childhood?, posted by B2chica on June 22, 2006, at 9:12:46

You will be a good mother too. You've been through so much and your instincts will guide you. I know this from my heart.
antigua

 

Re: How do you move on from an abusive childhood? » antigua

Posted by B2chica on June 22, 2006, at 16:14:53

In reply to Re: How do you move on from an abusive childhood? » B2chica, posted by antigua on June 22, 2006, at 16:02:51

it people like you too antinqua that give me hope. thank you.

> You will be a good mother too. You've been through so much and your instincts will guide you. I know this from my heart.
> antigua

 

Re: How do you move on from an abusive childhood? » sunnydays

Posted by happyflower on June 23, 2006, at 17:05:22

In reply to Re: How do you move on from an abusive childhood?, posted by sunnydays on June 21, 2006, at 18:02:28

Hi sunnydays (love your name!)

I guess, yeah, when will it go away? I guess that is how I feel. I have a feeling that maybe I do need to feel angry, because I used to stuff those feelings down inside and be numb. But now I FEEL it and it was easier to be numb, but i guess that is not really living life, is it?

I know you don't have the answer, but I really appreciate your support and your post. Happyflower just loves sunnydays. We need another poster called rainshowers! I like that name too! ;-)

 

Re: How do you move on from an abusive childhood? » Tamar

Posted by happyflower on June 23, 2006, at 17:20:13

In reply to Re: How do you move on from an abusive childhood? » happyflower, posted by Tamar on June 21, 2006, at 19:29:40

Wow, Tamar, you sure know how to make this happyflower feel good! Thank you so much for validating me being a mother and a wife. It is sometimes hard to look at the positive from all the abuse.

You are so right, I do need some supportive people in my life right now and I don't. I have issolated myself for so long, but slowly I am meeting new people and have chances at friendships. I have met a lot of really neat people at the gym since I am there almost everyday and hopefully college will help too.

You asked me why I felt I needed to be a better person. Well I believe I have some behaviors that need to be controlled that seem to offend other people.
Like for instance my T , he knows me better than anyone, I am fond of him and really like him, but why do I take my anger out on him? Why can't I control the hurt I feel. Why am I over sensitive. I have gotten better, but I have a long way to go.
Plus I have trouble trusting people, especially women. When I feel myself getting close to someone, I get scared, and sabatoge the relationship before they can hurt me. I don't know how to stop doing that.

And you are so right, abused surviors are treated differently than others. Some people just don't understand it. My T told me that telling someone about this kind of thing, is best saved for when I really get to know this person and can trust them with small stuff first. He said to take it in steps.

I guess what I am really asking is, will I ever be okay? Will I ever be able to stop therapy and life life normally? I just don't know. Thanks for you wise words Tamar. You seem to know just what to say. :-)

 

Re: How do you move on from an abusive childhood? » antigua

Posted by happyflower on June 23, 2006, at 17:27:47

In reply to Re: How do you move on from an abusive childhood?, posted by antigua on June 21, 2006, at 20:22:14

Hey antigus,

I think I have been grieving for a while now, but for some reason I just feel angry. It is like the more I know about child developement, the more I become angry at my parents.

My mom used to say, hey I don't need to read a book about raising kids. ( even as a kid, I remember that "what" ? You have got to be kidding.

I remember once when my mom was around and my daugher was like 2 yrs. old. Well she made this breakfast cassorole and gave my daugher an adult size portion (in my opinion) and was telling my daughter that she was a bad girl for not cleaning her plate. I just couldn't believe she said that to a 2 yr. old. Then my mom thought I was spoiling my daugher because I didn't spank her. Well maybe I don't spank my kids, but that doesn't mean that I don't disipine them. My mom was really messed up, I am so glad she is out of my life.
Thanks antigua for you post and your support. ;-)

 

Re: How do you move on from an abusive childhood? » orchid

Posted by happyflower on June 23, 2006, at 17:36:24

In reply to Re: How do you move on from an abusive childhood? » Tamar, posted by orchid on June 21, 2006, at 21:49:19

Hi Orchid,

I think you might be right about T's only doing so much for you. But my T still believes there are things I need to work on. I am doing some good things, but my marriage is broken, and my childhood keeps haunting me, so I still need help.
But I don't plan on doing therapy forever. Sometime I just wish I could just say I am alright, but usually something happens and I am not. I am probably one of my T's oldest clients at the momement, but he said I will know when the time is right for me to "resign". But now isn't the time, I am getting close, but I just want to get it all out of me and worked out so I can go on with life and hopefully not need therapy anymore.
But the funny thing is, if I deceide to become a child T, I will have to go to therapy as part of my training. LOL I will probably just sit there and say, well I have it all figured out, lets play some cards or something. LOL Well maybe that won't happen, but if do go into helping little kids, I want to make sure my issues are resolved. Thanks Orchid! ;-)

 

Re: How do you move on from an abusive childhood? » Daisym

Posted by happyflower on June 23, 2006, at 17:39:44

In reply to Re: How do you move on from an abusive childhood?, posted by Daisym on June 22, 2006, at 3:30:49

Hi Daisy!

You really gave me some good advice, I am so glad you posted. I guess it will be that decides how I will move on . The anology about how do you get over a happy childhood, is SOOOO EXCELLENT. I totally get it! Thanks so much for your help. ;-)

 

Re: How do you move on from an abusive childhood? » B2chica

Posted by happyflower on June 23, 2006, at 17:42:00

In reply to Re: How do you move on from an abusive childhood?, posted by B2chica on June 22, 2006, at 9:12:46

Hey B2!
yeah, I really got some good advice, maybe i don't need my T after all! Thanks for your validation, it means a lot to hear it. I don't get that in my real life. Thanks!

 

Re: How do you move on from an abusive childhood?

Posted by laura k on June 27, 2006, at 20:05:57

In reply to Re: How do you move on from an abusive childhood? » Tamar, posted by happyflower on June 23, 2006, at 17:20:13

After being on antidepressants for twenty years and mood stabilizers for ten,, still not improving and in fact becoming more suicidal,,, my pdoc sent me to a psychologist who does EMDR therapy... After one session, focusing on childhood abuse and abandonment issues, I had become 90% better!!! I no longer was obsessed with relationships, no longer had severe jealousy, no longer felt unlovable.. was able to not care that I was not in a relationship.. these are the main issues I had as a result of my childhood trauma. I also had a real problem with criticism in my work. Haven't had a chance to try that out, but I suspect it is much better too!

 

Re: How do you move on from an abusive childhood? » laura k

Posted by B2chica on June 28, 2006, at 9:08:00

In reply to Re: How do you move on from an abusive childhood?, posted by laura k on June 27, 2006, at 20:05:57

wow, i'm so suprised that it worked so quickly for you. i am happy to hear that. i'm glad that you have finally found some resolution to your struggles.
b2c

 

Re: How do you move on from an abusive childhood? » B2chica

Posted by laura k on June 28, 2006, at 17:45:48

In reply to Re: How do you move on from an abusive childhood? » laura k, posted by B2chica on June 28, 2006, at 9:08:00

The therapist told me that if it was going to work, it would be quickly, but even she was surprised that it worked so well. It was one of the things about her that made me really like and trust her.. she didn't believe in stringing me along. She didn't try to hook me into long-term therapy. I really liked that.

And she was really intent on me and focused during the session, asking me lots of questions, having me describe my experiences in detail.. with EMDR, the way she did it, you have little buttons in each hand that pulsate and they are supposed to help your brain to integrate the experience from one half of your brain to the other so you can finally resolve the PTSD rather than re-experiencing those emotions whenever triggered.

I don't fully understand the concept, but I was so ready to finally get past these feelings that I went into it with an open mind and was amazed at the results.

I didn't know how it would manifest itself and was very pleasantly surprised that weekend when I was stood up on an engagement because the guy opted to spend the time with a woman he had met on a dating site instead of with me... and I was not upset!! Usually I would be VERY upset.. and it stuck. I stopped all the obsessive type behaviors I'd been engaging in all my life.. Weird, but true~


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