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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 10 to 34 of 34. Go back in thread:
Posted by happyflower on May 15, 2006, at 17:27:56
In reply to Yep, been there too. And come back out too. (nm), posted by muffled on May 15, 2006, at 15:29:21
(((((((madeline)))))))
I am so sorry you are hurting. I am sure your friends will still be your friends. I think drinking can make us do and say a lot of things we normally wouldn't do and I think most people have been there.
Yes I have been in hell, living abuse is hell, living the effects are hell. But you can come out of it too.You took a major step and admitted out loud that yes, you were abused. At least that was a huge step for me. Now that you have admitted it to yourself, the healing can begin because you have takes some of the power of the secret away. I am not saying that it doesn't hurt, because it hurts like crazy. I remember crying all night long about it when I admitted it to myself, and I don't cry normally. But it unleased something from me and became the catalist in my life where I have changed and healed so much since then.
I think you are on your way! I am proud of you! Go easy on yourself, you are a beautiful person, I can tell, you are just hurting.
Posted by madeline on May 15, 2006, at 20:10:06
In reply to Well, here you have it. ***CSA tigger****, posted by madeline on May 15, 2006, at 7:55:20
I don't know WHAT was wrong with him, but he really seemed to be almost angry at what I was saying.
I was crying and blubbering the whole time and maybe he was upset by that.
In fact, one time I had to tell him not to yell he got so worked up.
My dad used to do that, get all worked up when I made the slightest little mistake.
I would be mad at my T too, but I just don't have it in me. I'm to tired to do anything but just let his anger just wash over me. I think he will resolve it himself and everything will be fine on Wednesday.
Life is really funny. Today when I got home from therapy I was making a list of the pros and cons of suicide. I could only think of one reason to do it, freedom from pain. I had a whole list of reasons not to. Most of them pet related, then realized my guinea pigs were out of hay and had to go to the pet store. I doubt if anyone in the store realized that just 15 minutes ago I was rationally trying to figure out whether or not to end my own life.
I'm glad I decided to live another day that's always the right answer.
Surely to god I will feel better tomorrow.
Posted by happyflower on May 15, 2006, at 20:14:27
In reply to Saw my T, no help there today. **trigger**, posted by madeline on May 15, 2006, at 20:10:06
Sorry about today with your T . I wonder what was up with him?
Well I would be very sad if you deceided to end you life. You are such a sweetie, and we need more of people like you in the world, not less. (((((((((maddie))))))) Love ya right back!
Posted by canadagirl on May 15, 2006, at 21:08:16
In reply to Saw my T, no help there today. **trigger**, posted by madeline on May 15, 2006, at 20:10:06
Hey there Madeline,
>>> I'm glad I decided to live another day that's always the right answer. Surely to god I will feel better tomorrow.<<<
I'm glad you decided to also. You are an intelligent woman. You have accomplished (and dealt with) a lot in your life so far. This stuff from our past....ugh....we can't shake it...it clings to us like a vine...we have to deal with it the best we can. We are not perfect and have to be gentle on ourselves. It's OK to cry and blubber. I'm sorry your T was not more supportive. He might have been angry at what happened to you and let his emotions show. I'm just guessing here.
Posted by llrrrpp on May 15, 2006, at 22:19:05
In reply to Saw my T, no help there today. **trigger**, posted by madeline on May 15, 2006, at 20:10:06
Hi Maddie,
I'm so glad that you made it to the pet store to get the hay for the guinea pigs :) You are so strong. I hope you feel better tomorrow. It sounds like you will.I think your T will be better prepared at your next session, and if he's not, tell him how his reaction makes you feel. You deserve the best.
(hugs) & a chocolate truffle. tomorrow is a new day.
Posted by frida on May 15, 2006, at 22:29:31
In reply to Saw my T, no help there today. **trigger**, posted by madeline on May 15, 2006, at 20:10:06
Hi..
I am so sorry your T wasn't there for you in the way you needed him to be...when you go to T needing something so badly-- feeling like the little girl we were...
and they react that way..it is truly painful. Maybe you can reach out to him?I am glad you went out to get hay for your piggies..
I have guinea pigs too, I was abused by my father, struggling, and my guinea pigs help me hang on and find a reason to keep on living
Sending you support,take gentle care of you..
fridaI don't know WHAT was wrong with him, but he really seemed to be almost angry at what I was saying.
>
> I was crying and blubbering the whole time and maybe he was upset by that.
>
> In fact, one time I had to tell him not to yell he got so worked up.
>
> My dad used to do that, get all worked up when I made the slightest little mistake.
>
> I would be mad at my T too, but I just don't have it in me. I'm to tired to do anything but just let his anger just wash over me. I think he will resolve it himself and everything will be fine on Wednesday.
>
> Life is really funny. Today when I got home from therapy I was making a list of the pros and cons of suicide. I could only think of one reason to do it, freedom from pain. I had a whole list of reasons not to. Most of them pet related, then realized my guinea pigs were out of hay and had to go to the pet store. I doubt if anyone in the store realized that just 15 minutes ago I was rationally trying to figure out whether or not to end my own life.
>
> I'm glad I decided to live another day that's always the right answer.
> Surely to god I will feel better tomorrow.
Posted by bent on May 16, 2006, at 6:54:18
In reply to Well, here you have it. ***CSA tigger****, posted by madeline on May 15, 2006, at 7:55:20
i understand what you are saying. sayiing it aloud doesnt mean feeling it. we can separate from those feelings. i am just beginning to feel it i think. its a long road but you will make it through. you will come out stronger on the other side.
Posted by madeline on May 16, 2006, at 7:32:41
In reply to Re: Saw my T, no help there today. **trigger** » madeline, posted by happyflower on May 15, 2006, at 20:14:27
Thanks happyflower,
I'm glad things went well with your T as well. He sounds like a reasonable guy and you are a brave woman.
I can forgive my T almost anything. He'll come around I'm sure.
Maddie
Posted by madeline on May 16, 2006, at 7:34:58
In reply to Re: Saw my T, no help there today. **trigger** » madeline, posted by canadagirl on May 15, 2006, at 21:08:16
thank you.
I have accomplished a lot, but somehow I feel very divorced from all of my accomplishments. My research was just written up in a magazine that highlights "excellent" research at my institution, I sounded so smart!
Posted by madeline on May 16, 2006, at 7:37:18
In reply to Re: Saw my T, no help there today. **trigger** » madeline, posted by frida on May 15, 2006, at 22:29:31
I love my pigs. I could never leave them. Of course, I also have a dog and two cats. And I could never leave them either.
I think sometimes that the hoard of pets is what keeps me going. Perhaps that is pathetic, but whatever works for me right?
Thank you for your support
Posted by madeline on May 16, 2006, at 7:44:45
In reply to Well, here you have it. ***CSA tigger****, posted by madeline on May 15, 2006, at 7:55:20
Although when I first woke up I felt as though I was having a psychotic break (whatever that is) and the suicide ideation was very strong.
However, I got myself into the kitchen, had some coffee and I'm feeling strong enough to go to work I think.
Thank you to all that posted even if I didn't respond to your post directly. It means a lot to know that there are people out there that don't know me from Adam's housecat, but still think enough of human life to help.
I can forgive my T anything and I'm sure he'll be back to normal tomorrow.
This crisis is not over and I still have a lot of work to do and a lot of shame to get over, but bit by bit I'll make it.
One of my favorite quotes:
Courage doesn't always roar, sometimes it is the quiet voice at the end of the day that says "I will try again tomorrow".
--Mary Anne RadmacherMaddie
Posted by Poet on May 16, 2006, at 9:05:22
In reply to I feel better this morning. » madeline, posted by madeline on May 16, 2006, at 7:44:45
Hi Maddie,
I think you are very brave. I deny CSA and refuse to talk about it in therapy. I've made that pro and con suicide list, too. That you have more reasons to live (guinea pigs count- my cats count!) than to die shows more strength. It's hard to see it when you're feeling so bad, but it's there.
I'm glad you're better this morning. I hope your T comes around. Maybe he wasn't expecting you to say as much as you did and it threw him for a loop, so to speak? My T would be shocked if I started talking about certain issues. Just a thought. I'm sending him a cyber slap on the head just to be safe.
Poet
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 16, 2006, at 9:43:28
In reply to I feel better this morning. » madeline, posted by madeline on May 16, 2006, at 7:44:45
> Although when I first woke up I felt as though I was having a psychotic break (whatever that is) and the suicide ideation was very strong.
I'm so sorry to hear you awoke to that. I hope you'll accept some objective views of your situation.
If you awoke to that, your sleep period must have been very productive indeed. If this path was easy, your unique path, you'd have done all this crap a long time ago. It is precisely because it is so difficult that it hangs over you still.
This too shall pass. All will be well. This is how you get to wellness.
Please accept that there are signposts on the path, such that other pathwalkers have some idea of where you are on yours. I'm going to ask you to do something. I'm going to ask you to place your faith in the belief that all will be well. I know you have no evidence, yet, but that's what faith is all about.
Your love of animals, this concept that you labelled as pathetic, is anything but. You bear full responsibility for those creatures' well-being. You demonstrate precisely what is needed by you, yourself. Take yourself under that same care. Has not your kitty upset a favourite plant? Or clawed your furniture? Did you love her any less?
Inside of you, you crave that same unconditional love. Ask yourself why you deny yourself that same kind of care. Challenge that denial with all of your intellect. Wherever that sense of undeservedness has arisen, you must snuff it out. You must discover all the old tapes that play in your mind, the ones that make you feel undeserving, and over-write them with unconditional love. One by one, you take those tapes and change them. And with each tiny change, you tilt the balance.
How did the word pathetic arise in your mind? It is not by chance that it did. You heard it, some time, some where. Maybe many times, and many wheres. And that tape(s) play(s) automatically. It plays both with or without your conscious awareness that it is a tape. Your conscious self can erase the old tape, and substitute a new one. Like a movie, with different endings.
I was so pissed off last night. They killed off Izzy's dream guy, instead of letting him marry her (Grey's Anatomy). That's the kind of effect tapes have.
It's kind of like weeding the garden. You keep the roses, and you pull out the crabgrass.
Be aware, there may be many copies of particularly nasty tapes. You think you got the weed, and another springs up in its place.
All will be well, Maddie. All will be well.
I hope it's not presumptuous of me, but I now offer you a New Improved Lar CyBearHug®....
{{{{{{{{{{{{Maddie}}}}}}}}}}}
Lar
Posted by happyflower on May 16, 2006, at 10:00:22
In reply to Re: Saw my T, no help there today. **trigger** » canadagirl, posted by madeline on May 16, 2006, at 7:34:58
> I have accomplished a lot, but somehow I feel very divorced from all of my accomplishments. My research was just written up in a magazine that highlights "excellent" research at my institution, I sounded so smart!
I am sure you are great! would love to see your article! Are you in animal biology?
I think I am in a simular place. I am doing some good stuff but I am so sick of my T saying oh, you are doing so well. Well NO I AM NOT! I feel like crap, so what, I can still do stuff, but it doesn't mean I am doing well.
Posted by B2chica on May 16, 2006, at 10:01:12
In reply to I feel better this morning. » madeline, posted by madeline on May 16, 2006, at 7:44:45
(((((((madeline))))))))
i'm sorry you awoke to such terrible feelings. i hope you are better now.
i am VERY glad you have your guinea pigs and love of animals. i am VERY glad you are here and continue to come here and share with us. you give me strenth madeline.cares
b2c.
Posted by madeline on May 16, 2006, at 14:00:48
In reply to Re: I feel better this morning. » madeline, posted by Larry Hoover on May 16, 2006, at 9:43:28
Are you an angel? No really. After I read your post I wondered.
You're right, I have no evidence that all will be well. In fact, one might say that I have conclusive data that it is NOT.
However, I retain the capacity for faith. I will trust all with be well. I will get up tomorrow. I promise.
You're right, I have heard time and time again that my love of animals is pathetic. People call me the crazy cat lady and look at me like I'm retarded sometimes when they visit my house. I just have 2 guinea pigs, 2 cats and a small dog. I have a pretty big house.
My productive sleep? I dreamt that I was at the ocean and there were these 20 foot high waves breaking right on me. No wonder I woke up in a state.
I printed your post out. I'm going to carry it with me a while.
Maddie
Posted by milly on May 16, 2006, at 15:21:50
In reply to Re: I feel better this morning. » Larry Hoover, posted by madeline on May 16, 2006, at 14:00:48
Dear maddie
I feel your pain but have no wise words to say just wanted you to know i care. Larry is one wise cookie, don't you think? i just feel stupid in comparison! hope it goes better with T tomorrow
(((((((((maddie))))))))))
milly
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 16, 2006, at 16:08:31
In reply to Re: I feel better this morning. » Larry Hoover, posted by madeline on May 16, 2006, at 14:00:48
> Are you an angel? No really. After I read your post I wondered.
> I printed your post out. I'm going to carry it with me a while.
>
> MaddieThose are some of the nicest things anybody has said to me.....
....since B2 did.Thank you.
Humbly,
Lar
Posted by Fall Girl on May 16, 2006, at 23:14:04
In reply to Well, here you have it. ***CSA tigger****, posted by madeline on May 15, 2006, at 7:55:20
Madeline: your post affected me. I added some of my own words to yours: mine are in caps.
> I can't YET form normal relationships. I'm horribly lonely, but I can't YET reach out. I can't YET reach out the right way. It either doesn't come out, or it comes out all sexualized and harmful SO FAR.
>
> I know what I want, I want to be loved and love people back. I want that so desparately. But there is this "thing" and I don't YET know what it is that just paralyzes me.
Posted by madeline on May 17, 2006, at 5:30:51
In reply to Well, here you have it. ***CSA tigger****, posted by madeline on May 15, 2006, at 7:55:20
I'm watching the sun come up and I'm grateful to see another one.
I don't remember any of my dreams last night.
I don't know how I feel otherwise, maybe a little numb, maybe a little sad, maybe a lot tired, but I'm here to fight another day.
I talked to my T twice yesterday and for the first time ever, he called me for a check in. He's coming around and getting back to his old therapeutic self. He admitted that I just totally threw him for a loop.
But he told me that I was probably experiencing some very very old shame. And just putting a name to this feeling has helped a lot.
Also, thanks to everyone that helped me here. It's nice to feel that people "reach back" you know?
Maddie
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 17, 2006, at 9:50:44
In reply to Like I promised, I got up today., posted by madeline on May 17, 2006, at 5:30:51
> I'm watching the sun come up and I'm grateful to see another one.
I'm glad you did, too. Thanks for letting us know.
I almost feel compelled to mention something else. I don't know where I found what I said, yesterday. I didn't even think about it. I simply wrote.
I felt like a conduit, rather than as a speaker. I facilitated, perhaps, but I had a passive role beyond that.
I'm reminded of Jung. A collective consciousness. I really ought to read some Jung. I think I'm ready to do that.
A network. Are we connected? It seems to me that it is plausible. That once you get the "noise" level down, you can finally hear.
Contemplatively,
Lar
Posted by madeline on May 17, 2006, at 11:15:17
In reply to Re: Like I promised, I got up today. » madeline, posted by Larry Hoover on May 17, 2006, at 9:50:44
Larry,
I started to say something glib, like "Give yourself some credit, man" But I understand the concept of a conduit completely.
But I do want to point out, whatever passive role you assumed when you wrote, that you were "chosen" as the vehicle.
The ability to reach out to me in that bad place came through you. And from whatever source - a jungian collective, a divine inspiration, or a truth that simply had saturated your soul, it was larry hoover that caught me. I mean really caught me.
I have your words right next to me right now at work.
None of us are perfect, but sometimes the ideal can come out of us.
Rest assured, that this morning I owed that sunrise to you.
Maddie
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 17, 2006, at 13:25:11
In reply to Re: Like I promised, I got up today. » Larry Hoover, posted by madeline on May 17, 2006, at 11:15:17
> Rest assured, that this morning I owed that sunrise to you.
>
> MaddieThank you. Sometimes it's okay to just cry, like right now.
Lar
Posted by orchid on May 17, 2006, at 14:26:28
In reply to Re: I feel better this morning. » madeline, posted by Larry Hoover on May 16, 2006, at 9:43:28
Posted by llrrrpp on May 17, 2006, at 14:26:58
In reply to Re: Like I promised, I got up today. » madeline, posted by Larry Hoover on May 17, 2006, at 13:25:11
Wow.
Maddie, you were the first one to reach out to me on babble. Finding you and Larry, and other wonderful people was a turning point in how I view mental illness, therapy, and life. We are so blessed by having you with us each and every day. It sounds like you are at a turning point too. I hope you turn towards the sun, and that everyday becomes a little better, a little brighter. -llrrrpp
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