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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on March 6, 2006, at 22:53:18
Medicated, I'm numbish with a strong undercurrent of rage. I snap at anything that moves, but I get at least some of my work done. My attachment to my therapist is far less, and I can picture moving to somewhere he's not.
Unmedicated, I just hurt. I sit and rock for hours instead of working.
I was so bad yesterday at therapy. I mildly self injured throughout the session, increasing in intensity. He either didn't notice or didn't want to bring it up. I called him after, furious, and threatened to up the ante to more serious SI next session. Then I called him crying and told him that I was trying to tell him something and I was upset that he didn't understand what I was trying to say. Which was unfair, because *I* don't know what I was trying to say.
I truly hate it when he's angry with me. Yet somehow I want him to be angry. I want him to be as angry as I am. But maybe not at me.
I don't know why though.
It wasn't the seating arrangements. We discussed that and all I remember thinking was that it wasn't what I needed to talk about. We talked about my suicidal urges, but all I remember thinking was that we were wasting time on the standard CYA questions and weren't talking about what I needed to talk about. But I have no earthly idea what it was that I needed to talk about.
It might be the move, which is stupid because I don't even know if we have to move and won't know for six weeks, and I shouldn't worry till then.
I sobbed something to him about being upset that I couldn't see him twice a week. Maybe that's it. Or at least maybe that's part of it, because it burst out of my mouth without thinking.
But none of those things seem quite right.
It has been so long since I didn't know why I did the things I do. Since I got in touch with my emotional side, I've been pretty good at figuring out what I'm feeling and why. But now I'm back to where I was.
I have no idea why I'm doing the things I'm doing.
Is there some whole layer of unconscious or subconscious that I haven't tapped? Am I hiding from myself what's wrong? Why am I so sure that I am trying to convey something, sure enough that it bursts out of my mouth without thinking. Yet equally sure that I have no idea what that something is.
How can I regress so badly? How can I threaten self injury like that? How can I be the sort of person I really don't want to be?
Maybe numb is better. I can't seem to medicate the anger away, but maybe numb on the surface is still better.
I talked to him very briefly last night. He said he isn't angry and he doesn't sound angry. he sounds sad. And he's in town tomorrow and I'm seeing him.
I don't want to behave badly. But I'm afraid I will. And I won't even know why.
I sound so calm. I just astonish myself at how calm I can sound. I guess it's a reflex.
Posted by Racer on March 6, 2006, at 23:07:28
In reply to Medicated or non-medicated, *Trigger*, posted by Dinah on March 6, 2006, at 22:53:18
I ain't got no answers for you, but I'm very sorry you're hurting so much, Dinah. I wish you weren't in so much pain.
It sounds as though the uncertainty is really eating at you, though. Maybe exploring whether it's as simple as that? After all, it must seem right about now that your entire universe is pretty uncertain.
And maybe a grief reaction, too? You've had a lot of losses over the past six months or so, haven't you? Including losing your ForeverMineTherapist, in a way. You can still see him, but things have changed, haven't they?
I'm not one for cyberhugs, Dinah, and not much for hugs in real life, either. If I were, though, I'd send you one right now. No hugs, but an awful lot of concern and affection.
Posted by Daisym on March 7, 2006, at 0:21:00
In reply to Medicated or non-medicated, *Trigger*, posted by Dinah on March 6, 2006, at 22:53:18
I think Racer nailed it. This sure sounds like grief to me. Grief and anger at so much loss in too short a time. And perhaps, you aren't done losing? And it makes perfect sense that you are MAD at your therapist...because he was your safe place and he just doesn't feel safe all the time now. And yet he is still safe enough to be angry at. Your dad isn't still there for you to be angry that he left you...you can't be mad at your husband (at least not much) for perhaps needing to move to survive...you can't be mad at your son for needing you, therefore blocking any suicidal plans you might have...and you can and should be mad at Katrina, but she's blown herself out and isn't there for you to rage at. I'm sure you could add at least 5 more people to this list...people you might feel angry with and yet, things are out of their control too.
So who do you get mad at? Yourself, and your therapist. I think the SI might be your ENOUGH cry. You've been so strong, taking care of so many things, I think you've had ENOUGH. You need a place to melt down and be taken care of. But, you've ended up taking care of your therapist too. So, who takes care of you?
I wish I knew what to say to make it all better. Time will help, but the reason they call it "grief stricken" is because it does feel like you have some horrible disease that sucks the life out of you and everything hurts. Physically, emotionally, intellectually. Drugs or not drugs. It all hurts. And you know what? You are allowed to hurt. You can scream and cry and kick things. And be a brat if that is what it takes.
I still think the answer is what I said last night. Throwing your hands in the air and simply saying, "Enough, please God, enough. You take over for awhile. I'm too tired to steer." I'll send up one for you too.
Hugs from me,
Daisy
Posted by James K on March 7, 2006, at 0:49:40
In reply to Medicated or non-medicated, *Trigger*, posted by Dinah on March 6, 2006, at 22:53:18
I don't understand all of the stuff about therapist relationships etc, but some of what you're talking about I can relate to.
I'm off my meds, because I have to know what that means again. I've been on heavy meds and self injured during groups. The meds make whatever I fell like doing doable. (gross exageration). Only once did a therapist, as opposed to my fellow patients notice, comment, and help me. I don't know his name, but I thank him and wish I could work with him.
If me saying please dont hurt yourself could make you not want to hurt yourself, then I would say it. Please don't hurt yourself. (just in case).
I care,
James
Posted by Tanzanite on March 7, 2006, at 2:03:59
In reply to Re: Medicated or non-medicated, *Trigger* » Dinah, posted by James K on March 7, 2006, at 0:49:40
OH Dinah, I am so sorry you are having to go through all this. I don't know all you have been through and I don't know what to say, except I care about you and hope you will be ok. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Please keep us updated. I didn't know you were a Katrina survivor. You have been through so much. Please don't hurt yourself and know that we care about you.
Tanzanite
Posted by fallsfall on March 7, 2006, at 7:30:54
In reply to Medicated or non-medicated, *Trigger*, posted by Dinah on March 6, 2006, at 22:53:18
I wish I could help. I wish someone could magically tell you what is going on. It is something that you need to tease out of yourself. You sound like you really do want to know, so maybe that can be a starting point.
Maybe today, when you see yourself doing something you can point it out to your therapist. Be completely transparent. When you feel an emotion that seems stupid to you, tell your therapist about that emotion. Let there be no secrets, no hidden agendas. It's OK if you don't know why you are feeling that way - it will help just to label the feeling. You can give him the intellectual side ("this feeling doesn't make any sense"), but also give him the emotional side ("But I really want to run out of the room right now"). Tell him everything about how you are feeling and what you are thinking. It might feel like you won't get "through" anything if you talk at this granularity, but it has been successful for me. Don't gloss over anything - put it ALL out there on the table in full view. If you don't find all the puzzle pieces you can't possibly put it together - if you find them all, then it may still be really hard to get them together, but at least you have a chance of succeeding.
You need to figure out what is running around in your unconscious. Did you have any dreams last night? Talk about them even if they seem irrelevant.
I'm glad you get to see him today.
(((((Dinah)))))
Posted by TherapyGirl on March 7, 2006, at 8:59:24
In reply to Re: Medicated or non-medicated, *Trigger* » Dinah, posted by fallsfall on March 7, 2006, at 7:30:54
Dinah, I'm so sorry for all of your losses and all of your pain. I agree with the others that this sounds very much like grief-stricken to me.
I wish the rest of us could make it better for you. Since that won't work, I wish you the peace of mind that I hope will come after you figure this out.
Posted by Dinah on March 7, 2006, at 9:14:43
In reply to Re: Medicated or non-medicated, *Trigger* » Dinah, posted by fallsfall on March 7, 2006, at 7:30:54
I did have one. I dreamed my husband was going to divorce me. And it was all very civilized. We were discussing the plans. And then I yanked the door off the refrigerator and started pounding it on the floor asking how he could do this to our son. But he didn't care, he was totally unmoved. And I felt so impotent.
I guess that could be a clue. grin.
Thanks everyone. I *will* get through this. Even if I wish I wouldn't.
Posted by TherapyGirl on March 7, 2006, at 9:19:59
In reply to Re: Medicated or non-medicated, *Trigger* » fallsfall, posted by TherapyGirl on March 7, 2006, at 8:59:24
Posted by annierose on March 7, 2006, at 9:31:32
In reply to Dream last night, posted by Dinah on March 7, 2006, at 9:14:43
This dream could be a great starting point for your session today. You need to grieve. And I hope in time you can open your heart up to the healing that comes from such horrific pain.
Don't underestimate your strength. You have been through so much in a year's time and you are still here!!
Let us know how today's sesion went.
Annie
Posted by fallsfall on March 7, 2006, at 10:49:25
In reply to Dream last night, posted by Dinah on March 7, 2006, at 9:14:43
We're with you. You aren't alone.
((((((((((Dinah))))))))))
Love,
Falls.
Posted by JenStar on March 7, 2006, at 13:34:51
In reply to Medicated or non-medicated, *Trigger*, posted by Dinah on March 6, 2006, at 22:53:18
hi Dinah,
I'm so sorry. I wish there were a third option, because the two you mentioned both sound like they have serious drawbacks.I don't know what I can say that will help, but I hope things get better. Please don't hurt yourself -- you're worth so much more than you give yourself credit for. I hope things get better.
take care,
JenStar
Posted by Dinah on March 7, 2006, at 19:00:25
In reply to Re: Medicated or non-medicated, *Trigger* » Dinah, posted by JenStar on March 7, 2006, at 13:34:51
Which probably proves that I understand why therapy goes right when it does even less than I understand how it goes badly.
I don't remember feeling in session anything but anger at his unflappable phlegmatic stance, which I usually find reassuring but that drove me nuts today. Yet I feel better. Go figure.
Posted by TherapyGirl on March 7, 2006, at 20:11:13
In reply to Feeling a bit better today, posted by Dinah on March 7, 2006, at 19:00:25
Brain chemistry is a mysterious thing, isn't it Dinah? Or at least mine is.
I'm glad you're feeling better for whatever reason.
Posted by annierose on March 7, 2006, at 21:36:53
In reply to Feeling a bit better today, posted by Dinah on March 7, 2006, at 19:00:25
Well whatever. It works. I think you feel happy just being with him. He soothes your soul. Now, if he could only get his act together on a more consistent basis.
Take each day as it comes.
I know how hard that seems.
Is there anything in your day to day life that is bringing you any joy? Any flowers popping up? Stores or restaurants coming back to life? Do you see progress yet (well, seeing news reports I know that question to be mute) ---
(((((((Dinah)))))))
I just I could help.
This is the end of the thread.
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