Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 604286

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former T's mother died, ok to send sympathy?

Posted by shrinking violet on January 29, 2006, at 19:32:37

Hi everyone,
As much as I wish to read/post/respond here more often, it's still a tad painful so I haven't been able to do so yet. I am with a new T, but it's very different than my former T and, well, I haven't had reason to post here about her yet! ;-)

Anyway, a few day's ago, there was a listing in the main newspaper's Obituary page, stating that my former T's mother had passed away last week. For those of you who remember, my T and I had a rather unique and somewhat confusing but albeit close relationship. Since leaving her last May, I've written to her a couple of times and sent her a holiday card.

I'd like to send her my sympathy regarding the death of her mother, but would it be appropriate to do so? In some way, I feel like I shouldn't know or say/do anything, even though it was in the newspaper and not exactly a secret. Here are my options as I see them (feel free to toss in any others I may be overlooking):

1. Ignore it, and don't acknowledge it at all. While this may be a "safe" option, it wouldn't make me feel very good as a person who cares for my ex-T and wants to send my condolences.

2. Send her a sympathy card via postal mail to her office. To me, though, sending a card this personal to her work seems a bit inappropriate, and I'd hate to upset her at work. True, her mother was elderly and has been ill for some time (I remember when I was seeing my T her mother was sick on and off and she expected her mother to pass on even then), but still....Would it be appropriate or not?

3. Send her a short email and/or e-card. Although, when I terminated with her we understood that i wouldn't email her anymore, although it isn't like I'm trying to act like a client or dump anything on her. But, I'm not sure if this is appropriate either (and is email too informal for something like this?).

I don't know. My brain is working overtime here, and I could use some help in figuring out what is OK and what isn't.

Thanks everyone,
-sv

 

Re: former T's mother died, ok to send sympathy? shrinking violet

Posted by Daisym on January 29, 2006, at 19:54:54

In reply to former T's mother died, ok to send sympathy?, posted by shrinking violet on January 29, 2006, at 19:32:37

I think she will be touched. I think a card to her office marked "personal" on the outside is best. There is something just so proper about a real card, somehow sympathy via email cards don't work for me. But I'm sure that isn't true for everyone. And I think you can say, "I saw in the paper your mother past away. I know she was ill for awhile. I hope you were able to be with her" or something like that.

You are a sweet person.

 

Re: former T's mother died, ok to send sympathy?

Posted by gardenergirl on January 29, 2006, at 20:09:37

In reply to Re: former T's mother died, ok to send sympathy? shrinking violet, posted by Daisym on January 29, 2006, at 19:54:54

I agree with Daisy. I think a paper card is much more meaningful in this case than an e-card. And I think it's fine to send it to her work. Afterall, that's how you know how to get in touch with her.

((((shrinking violet)))))

take care

gg

 

Re: former T's mother died, ok to send sympathy?

Posted by Racer on January 29, 2006, at 20:09:38

In reply to former T's mother died, ok to send sympathy?, posted by shrinking violet on January 29, 2006, at 19:32:37

I'd send a card to her office. Nothing inappropriate doing it that way, because as your T, that's really where your relationship with her was located. Make sense? Doesn't matter what anyone thought your relationship was -- only matters that, as a T, her relationship with you took place in her office life, not her home life.

Hope that makes sense.

 

Re: former T's mother died, ok to send sympathy?

Posted by LadyBug on January 29, 2006, at 21:55:50

In reply to former T's mother died, ok to send sympathy?, posted by shrinking violet on January 29, 2006, at 19:32:37

I think sending her a paper card in the mail is ok. My T.'s mother passed away about 6 months ago and I mailed her a card. She really appreciated it and said some of the people that "should" have acknowleged it, didn't and she felt bad. I had read the obituary in the news paper, so it was public. They are human and go through these things too. I think it's a great idea for you to send her a card. She will appreciate it.
LadyBug

 

Re: former T's mother died, ok to send sympathy? shrinking violet

Posted by JenStar on January 29, 2006, at 22:22:25

In reply to former T's mother died, ok to send sympathy?, posted by shrinking violet on January 29, 2006, at 19:32:37

I think it's OK, and NICE, to send her a real card thru real mail (so much more personal than email.)

She maybe an ex-T, but she's a person too, and as a person I think she'd appreciated that you cared to send her a card about her mother. When it comes to our mothers, we're all just kids again, even if we're T's or rocket scientists or famous actors. And when someone dies, it's nice to have them remembered by our friends and acquaintances -- it reminds us that people do care, and that we're not alone. At least, that's how I feel. :)

It's nice of you to care. :)
JenStar

 

Re: former T's mother died, ok to send sympathy? shrinking violet

Posted by fairywings on January 30, 2006, at 11:15:04

In reply to former T's mother died, ok to send sympathy?, posted by shrinking violet on January 29, 2006, at 19:32:37


Absolutely, this would be a very thoughtful thing for you to do.

fw

 

Re: former T's mother died, ok to send sympathy? Daisym

Posted by shrinking violet on January 30, 2006, at 13:46:45

In reply to Re: former T's mother died, ok to send sympathy? shrinking violet, posted by Daisym on January 29, 2006, at 19:54:54

Thank you Daisy, for your wise advice (as always!). After reading everyone's responses, sending a card seems like the best thing to do (why I couldn't decide that on my own, I have no idea, lol). I purchased a card today and will write a short note inside and send it off tomorrow.
Thank you,
sv


> I think she will be touched. I think a card to her office marked "personal" on the outside is best. There is something just so proper about a real card, somehow sympathy via email cards don't work for me. But I'm sure that isn't true for everyone. And I think you can say, "I saw in the paper your mother past away. I know she was ill for awhile. I hope you were able to be with her" or something like that.
>
> You are a sweet person.

 

Re: former T's mother died, ok to send sympathy? gardenergirl

Posted by shrinking violet on January 30, 2006, at 13:48:18

In reply to Re: former T's mother died, ok to send sympathy?, posted by gardenergirl on January 29, 2006, at 20:09:37

Thanks ((((gg)))). I'm going to send a card tomorrow. It helps, hearing some reinforcement. :-)
-sv

> I agree with Daisy. I think a paper card is much more meaningful in this case than an e-card. And I think it's fine to send it to her work. Afterall, that's how you know how to get in touch with her.
>
> ((((shrinking violet)))))
>
> take care
>
> gg

 

Re: former T's mother died, ok to send sympathy? Racer

Posted by shrinking violet on January 30, 2006, at 13:49:48

In reply to Re: former T's mother died, ok to send sympathy?, posted by Racer on January 29, 2006, at 20:09:38


Thanks, Racer.
Yes, it does make sense but....that last line stung a little when reading it. Not sure why. Hm....
Thanks, I'm sending her a card tomorrow.
sv


> I'd send a card to her office. Nothing inappropriate doing it that way, because as your T, that's really where your relationship with her was located. Make sense? Doesn't matter what anyone thought your relationship was -- only matters that, as a T, her relationship with you took place in her office life, not her home life.
>
> Hope that makes sense.
>

 

Re: former T's mother died, ok to send sympathy? LadyBug

Posted by shrinking violet on January 30, 2006, at 13:51:03

In reply to Re: former T's mother died, ok to send sympathy?, posted by LadyBug on January 29, 2006, at 21:55:50

Thanks LadyBug, for sharing your similar experience. Unfortunately, I won't know how my T receives my card (whether it touched her, whether it annoyed her, etc), which is hard sometimes when sending her things, but at least I know in my heart I felt good doing it.
Thanks,
sv


> I think sending her a paper card in the mail is ok. My T.'s mother passed away about 6 months ago and I mailed her a card. She really appreciated it and said some of the people that "should" have acknowleged it, didn't and she felt bad. I had read the obituary in the news paper, so it was public. They are human and go through these things too. I think it's a great idea for you to send her a card. She will appreciate it.
> LadyBug

 

Re: former T's mother died, ok to send sympathy? JenStar

Posted by shrinking violet on January 30, 2006, at 13:52:36

In reply to Re: former T's mother died, ok to send sympathy? shrinking violet, posted by JenStar on January 29, 2006, at 22:22:25

Thanks JenStar. I purchased a card today and am going to send it to her office. I agree, a paper card is best, something tangible, especially at a time like this. Hm, why didn't that decision make more sense yesterday? lol I guess I was still "shocked" and a little thrown by the news.
Thanks again,
-sv


> I think it's OK, and NICE, to send her a real card thru real mail (so much more personal than email.)
>
> She maybe an ex-T, but she's a person too, and as a person I think she'd appreciated that you cared to send her a card about her mother. When it comes to our mothers, we're all just kids again, even if we're T's or rocket scientists or famous actors. And when someone dies, it's nice to have them remembered by our friends and acquaintances -- it reminds us that people do care, and that we're not alone. At least, that's how I feel. :)
>
> It's nice of you to care. :)
> JenStar

 

Thank you! (nm) fairywings

Posted by shrinking violet on January 30, 2006, at 13:53:25

In reply to Re: former T's mother died, ok to send sympathy? shrinking violet, posted by fairywings on January 30, 2006, at 11:15:04

 

Re: former T's mother died, ok to send sympathy? shrinking violet

Posted by Poet on January 30, 2006, at 21:34:50

In reply to former T's mother died, ok to send sympathy?, posted by shrinking violet on January 29, 2006, at 19:32:37

Hi SV,

I'm with everybody else, send her a card through the regular mail. Definitely mark it personal in case somebody else opens up the mail for the clinic/department.

It's a kind thought and I know your former T will appreciate that you sent it.

Poet


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