Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 603729

Shown: posts 1 to 23 of 23. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

I don't know how to explain what happened-trigger

Posted by crushedout on January 28, 2006, at 10:44:00


I googled my ex-T and found a new webpage, with a picture of her and her daughter. It was like getting punched in the stomach. No, that doesn't really describe the feeling. Getting clocked in the side of the head with something very heavy? At first you can't feel anything--you're just in shock. And then the pain starts.

There couldn't have been a picture that would hurt me more, in all the world, I don't think. And now it's burned on my brain. I keep seeing it and sometimes the pain I feel is unbearable. Other times I feel nothing at all.

Last night I had friends over and we played guitar and sang until 6 in the morning. I was so tired I could barely open my mouth anymore but I was terrified to stop singing. Sure enough, when I did, the real crying started. I sobbed for a solid two hours, snot everywhere, gasping, heaving sobs. All I could think about was wanting to die. I couldn't see any other way out of the pain.

I'm not there right now but I know I could go back there at any moment and I'm scared.

I thought I was better than this. I feel like I will never be able to handle these feelings. I feel like I will never get through this. I want to die.

 

Googling my current T--more triggers

Posted by crushedout on January 28, 2006, at 10:51:51

In reply to I don't know how to explain what happened-trigger, posted by crushedout on January 28, 2006, at 10:44:00


What's weird is how reassuring I now find it to google my current T and all of her family members. It feels like cutting myself but I'm just watching in fascination because it doesn't hurt at all. I guess I had a twinge the other day when I found out all that family stuff about T2, but after finding that stuff on T1, the twinge feels like a tickle. I love twinges! Why didn't I stick with twinges? Why'd I have to go looking for agony? What is this doing for me?

 

Re: Googling my current T--more triggers crushedout

Posted by Poet on January 28, 2006, at 11:37:25

In reply to Googling my current T--more triggers, posted by crushedout on January 28, 2006, at 10:51:51

Hi crushedout,

I think maybe your googling T2 and feeling reassurance is because you feel an emotional connection that is still strong. I think when you googled T1, what you felt was a broken connection and that just caused you to feel the pain of the ended relationship.

I'm sorry that your finding the photo of T1 and her daughter has caused you such agony. Damn tickles. Damn human brains that cause us to seek out things that may hurt us emotionally. Maybe if you take T1's photo and use Photoshop or Paint to erase the image it would help you erase that feeling of the broken connection? I've done that with photos of people who trigger bad stuff. I print them out and shred them, too. I may not be able to erase what's left of the emotional connection in real life, but at least I can wipe out their physical reminder.

Poet

 

(((((crushed))))))

Posted by happyflower on January 28, 2006, at 12:31:19

In reply to Re: Googling my current T--more triggers crushedout, posted by Poet on January 28, 2006, at 11:37:25

((((((crushed))))) I am thinking of you today and I hope you go to that party tonight and have a great time in spite of everything else. You can do this, you will feel stronger after tonight. Please take care of yourself.

 

Re: (((((crushed))))))

Posted by muffled on January 28, 2006, at 13:12:40

In reply to (((((crushed)))))), posted by happyflower on January 28, 2006, at 12:31:19

> ((((((crushed))))) I am thinking of you today and I hope you go to that party tonight and have a great time in spite of everything else. You can do this, you will feel stronger after tonight. Please take care of yourself.

Sorry you having a hard time. :-(
Muffled

 

Re: Googling my current T--more triggers Poet

Posted by crushedout on January 28, 2006, at 15:07:38

In reply to Re: Googling my current T--more triggers crushedout, posted by Poet on January 28, 2006, at 11:37:25

> I think maybe your googling T2 and feeling reassurance is because you feel an emotional connection that is still strong. I think when you googled T1, what you felt was a broken connection and that just caused you to feel the pain of the ended relationship.
>

Poet,

That's really interesting because it's kind of the exact opposite of what I thought. I thought that I found the lack of, um, connection--I'm not sure if that's the right word--to T2 reassuring. Or the lack of pain when I think about the relationships she has with other people in her life. It doesn't hurt me, but it intrigues me. So it feels soothing to think about it, especially after what I've been through the past 24 hours.

Does that make sense? But your theory makes a lot of sense also and maybe they're both true.

All I know is that I feel like I've been sent backwards to about two years ago, but with a bunch of other sh*t heaped on top of it and it seems to hurt more than anything I've felt before. I guess one of the craziest things about it was how out of the blue it seemed. Like, I was kind of plodding along, wistful and sad but still fairly functional and content for me, and then--BAM! This.

I keep wishing someone would punch me in the face, just beat me black and blue. Maybe to distract me from my emotional pain? Or to make it visible and concrete? That's the only thing that appeals to me now.

I didn't sleep at all last night and I cried for hours, but I'm still in the process of helping my friend move right now. It's a beautiful day and we had lunch in the park right after picking up the truck. I know I'll get through this. There is still beauty in life--I can almost see it through my haze. And suicide is simply not an option. Neither is beating my head against the wall. So moving seemed like as good an idea as any.

Sorry, I'm rambling. I guess I need to get some of this out.

 

Re: Googling my current T--more triggers crushedout

Posted by Poet on January 28, 2006, at 15:42:51

In reply to Re: Googling my current T--more triggers Poet, posted by crushedout on January 28, 2006, at 15:07:38

Hi crushedout,

> I thought that I found the lack of, um, connection--I'm not sure if that's the right word--to T2 reassuring. Or the lack of pain when I think about the relationships she has with other people in her life. It doesn't hurt me, but it intrigues me.

Your theory makes sense, too. I wish I knew of a concrete theory on what will help eliminate your feeling of regression. Hopefully helping your friend move was a distraction for at least a short time.

I watch movies for distraction, but when I am really feeling bad I can't concentrate on them. So I totally understand that you can't get rid of the thoughts for long. Keep trying to find things. Post on babble. Rambling thoughts are okay.

Please don't let anyone beat you up black and blue, okay? You don't deserve that punishment for what you are feeling emotionally. That pain is real enough and I am so sorry you're feeling it so strongly.

Safe cyber hugs ((((crushedout)))))

Poet

 

Re: Googling my current T--more triggers

Posted by B2chica on January 28, 2006, at 16:46:23

In reply to Re: Googling my current T--more triggers Poet, posted by crushedout on January 28, 2006, at 15:07:38

Get it out, get it ALL out!
you do it here and your safe...all you want!
b2c.

 

Re: Googling my current T--more triggers B2chica

Posted by crushedout on January 28, 2006, at 17:06:05

In reply to Re: Googling my current T--more triggers, posted by B2chica on January 28, 2006, at 16:46:23


thanks, b2c. i need to let so much out. i want to get it all out of me forever. i don't know if it's possible.

of all the rotten pictures to have to see--why this one??? why? it's like my worst nightmare. the thing i always tried to push out of my mind, telling myself not to imagine how things could be, because i couldn't really know.

now i know. it's exactly how i thought. and that f*cks me up i don't know why.

i want to hate her so badly (please! someone make me hate her! can you?) but i can't. i still just love her. i see her faults and i love her. and it hurts so bad because i just want to be that little girl more than anything else in the world. why can't it be so? my inner two-year-old simply refuses to accept that this is how things are, how they must be.

 

ick

Posted by crushedout on January 28, 2006, at 17:07:11

In reply to Re: Googling my current T--more triggers B2chica, posted by crushedout on January 28, 2006, at 17:06:05

i wish i hadn't just said "inner two-year old."

it feels condescending. i take it back.

 

my new coping (?) mechanism

Posted by crushedout on January 28, 2006, at 17:09:17

In reply to ick, posted by crushedout on January 28, 2006, at 17:07:11


i have started obsessively googling and yahooing and msning and ussearching everything i can about both my current and former Ts. it feels like i'm trying to burn out my reactions so i will have nothing left to feel, so i can be safe.

i dunno if it's making sense.

i dunno if what i'm doing is just going to make things worse.

 

Re: my new coping (?) mechanism crushedout

Posted by fallsfall on January 28, 2006, at 17:50:14

In reply to my new coping (?) mechanism, posted by crushedout on January 28, 2006, at 17:09:17

Did you finish helping your friend move?

That picture really hit you. I'm glad you had friends with you last night. I wish you didn't have to cry, but you probably do.

Try to find ways to be good to yourself. Mine, of course, is ice cream. Allow yourself something that you usually forbid. Do things that make YOU feel good - not things that are useful.

And go to that party tonight! Dancing is always good for getting emotions out.

I know this is so hard for you, but we'll help you through it. You will get through it.

(((((Crushed)))))

 

Re: my new coping (?) mechanism fallsfall

Posted by crushedout on January 28, 2006, at 18:16:25

In reply to Re: my new coping (?) mechanism crushedout, posted by fallsfall on January 28, 2006, at 17:50:14

it just occurred to me that i did this to myself on purpose (semisubconsciously, of course), to force closure maybe? to forge a connection with my new T? I'm trying to force a transference of my feelings from old T to new. I don't know if it's going to work. This is wild speculation to some extent, but I have a solid hunch.

'Course the webpage wasn't there a month ago so it also partly has nothing to do with anything I can actually control. But the fact that I went looking for it is obviously not just a coincidence.

isn't it crazy that i would (even subconsciously) force a crisis upon myself when all is going well? i think i do it all the time. i obviously have to take a look at why i might be doing this.

I'm writing this all down more for myself, so I can record it somewhere where I can go back and see it. Because I'm afraid I'll forget what all this means, and learn from it (for the next time? :-( i don't want to ever go through anything like this again.)

but thoughts are always welcome. thank you falls

 

i'm still helping my friend move, falls

Posted by crushedout on January 28, 2006, at 18:29:02

In reply to Re: my new coping (?) mechanism crushedout, posted by fallsfall on January 28, 2006, at 17:50:14


but the word helping should be in quotation marks because i'm utterly useless.

 

Re: my new coping (?) mechanism crushedout

Posted by fallsfall on January 29, 2006, at 8:42:45

In reply to Re: my new coping (?) mechanism fallsfall, posted by crushedout on January 28, 2006, at 18:16:25

I force crises. I think most of us do. We are used to being in crisis - it is familiar. It means that we don't have the energy to work on new things (and that feels safer).

Talk to your new therapist about this... You may very well be on to something.

(I keep trying to tell myself that as long as I'm doing these things unconsciously that I don't need to be mortified that I'm doing them. The point of therapy (at least a major point of therapy for me) is to become aware that we ARE making these unconscious decisions, to bring the unconscious thinking into consciousness. Because we can change our conscious actions. So if they become conscious we can change them. But it is kind of embarassing to find that we are doing such hurtful things to ourselves!!!)

 

Re: i'm still helping my friend move, falls crushedout

Posted by fallsfall on January 29, 2006, at 8:43:51

In reply to i'm still helping my friend move, falls, posted by crushedout on January 28, 2006, at 18:29:02

Your friend loved that you would be with them during this stressful time. And I bet you were less useless than you think. And it was really good for you to be off doing something yesterday.

Did you go to the party, too?

 

Re: i'm still helping my friend move, falls fallsfall

Posted by crushedout on January 29, 2006, at 12:53:27

In reply to Re: i'm still helping my friend move, falls crushedout, posted by fallsfall on January 29, 2006, at 8:43:51


yeah, that's why i went. i figured anything to get me out of the house and in a new environment. i think it was really good for me. i'd be much worse right now if i'd stayed home and wallowed instead of going out and moping around while my friends carried stuff. actually i think it was a pretty big moral support having me there for the friend who was moving (leaving his wife and two kids, in case moving wasn't bad enough) despite my emotional state.

and by the end i did help out a little

i also went to the party but it was just awful. i hate parties.

i guess i'm a little better today. i can't wait to see my t tomorrow. i'm thinking of calling her and asking for a double. i just hope i can still know what i'm feeling. or still feel something, by the time i get there.

i'm wondering if i should show her the webpage. if i should bring it in.

that picture still haunts me, falls. it's so, so painful.

 

Re: i'm still helping my friend move, falls crushedout

Posted by fallsfall on January 29, 2006, at 14:18:34

In reply to Re: i'm still helping my friend move, falls fallsfall, posted by crushedout on January 29, 2006, at 12:53:27

You could give her the URL. That way you wouldn't have to look at it again!

I have the URL if you need it.

I'm glad you got out yesterday. Sounds likd your friend needed your support.

 

Re: ick crushedout

Posted by gardenergirl on January 29, 2006, at 15:23:11

In reply to ick, posted by crushedout on January 28, 2006, at 17:07:11

> i wish i hadn't just said "inner two-year old."
>
> it feels condescending. i take it back.

I'm sorry that sounded condescending to you. I thought it was very sweet and honest. And it doesn't mean that you act like a 2 year old or that you have separate ego parts.

But it does mean that the feelings and the longings you experience are old. They are rooted deep in the past, from a time when it was hard to put into words the complexity of what you felt. So it makes sense to me that it would be all about pain and longing and would be confusing to an adult woman.

It's okay, and it's understandable. I wish you could have had that fulfillment, love, safety, and caring enough as a child. I'm not saying that your parents had anything wrong with them. I don't know. But some wells are very deep, and our parents do what they can, but sometimes, for whatever reason, it's not enough.

I wish you enough.

gg

 

Re: ick gardenergirl

Posted by crushedout on January 29, 2006, at 15:58:47

In reply to Re: ick crushedout, posted by gardenergirl on January 29, 2006, at 15:23:11

thanks, gg.

i think my mother did have something "wrong" with her, but that wasn't her fault either.

i'm just really scared that once you get like this (the way i am), you can never really have enough. it's too late. i needed it then, and now because i didn't get that, i will never be normal, and i will never be satisfied.

i just want to be able to look at the picture and not have it hurt like this.

 

Re: Googling my current T--more triggers

Posted by B2chica on February 1, 2006, at 9:05:24

In reply to Re: Googling my current T--more triggers B2chica, posted by crushedout on January 28, 2006, at 17:06:05

BOY do i understand. i feel the same way and it tears me up inside, i tell myself i have to feel angry and just as i start to i feel sorry for her, or i say i shouln't hate...blah blah... i too see her faults and say 'she just didn't know any better' and that i must respect her cuz she's my mother...but i don't, i feel sorry for her.
i wish someone could make me hate her too.
best wishes
b2c.


> i want to hate her so badly (please! someone make me hate her! can you?) but i can't. i still just love her. i see her faults and i love her. and it hurts so bad because i just want to be that little girl more than anything else in the world. why can't it be so? my inner two-year-old simply refuses to accept that this is how things are, how they must be.

 

Re: my new coping (?) mechanism crushedout

Posted by Susan47 on February 1, 2006, at 10:08:46

In reply to Re: my new coping (?) mechanism fallsfall, posted by crushedout on January 28, 2006, at 18:16:25

>
> isn't it crazy that i would (even subconsciously) force a crisis upon myself when all is going well? i think i do it all the time. i obviously have to take a look at why i might be doing this.
I just came to this thread and if it's crazy, then I'm crazy because I exposed myself to the T at his office, I mean, NOT undressed or anything, or even verbally, but I remember getting out a COLOURING BOOK and colouring in it, I remember him standing there looking down at what I was doing, maybe trying to formulate an adequate response, decipher whether one was needed. I don't remember anything after that, immediately, but I remember doing it on purpose and also against my will, but knowing there was reasoning behind it. After that the dynamics changed, for me, I don't remember how.. but it was more painful than ever, and brought me to a place where I was able to bring completion to my inner work (?) don't know if that sounds right. I'll read to the end of your thread, just what you write, because you're brave and it's so good to watch you doing what you need.

 

Re: my new coping (?) mechanism

Posted by Susan47 on February 1, 2006, at 10:15:43

In reply to Re: my new coping (?) mechanism fallsfall, posted by crushedout on January 28, 2006, at 18:16:25

> it just occurred to me that i did this to myself on purpose (semisubconsciously, of course), to force closure maybe? to forge a connection with my new T? I'm trying to force a transference of my feelings from old T to new. I don't know if it's going to work. This is wild speculation to some extent, but I have a solid hunch.
>
> 'Course the webpage wasn't there a month ago so it also partly has nothing to do with anything I can actually control. But the fact that I went looking for it is obviously not just a coincidence.
>
> isn't it crazy that i would (even subconsciously) force a crisis upon myself when all is going well? i think i do it all the time. i obviously have to take a look at why i might be doing this.
>
> I'm writing this all down more for myself, so I can record it somewhere where I can go back and see it. Because I'm afraid I'll forget what all this means, and learn from it (for the next time? :-( i don't want to ever go through anything like this again.)
Actually, you are writing it down. As long as Babble exists, anyway. How long has it been around? I never checked. I always thought I'd want to go back and pull stuff off from here and keep it together, but now that doesn't seem so important, and I couldn't read it anyway, anything I wrote, because it feels like it could push me back to being close to where I was before. Never again.. like you .. and I don't think we ever have to do this again, either, crushedout, once we've done it. I know how much it hurts, though.


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