Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 602296

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I still miss her

Posted by crushedout on January 24, 2006, at 1:01:33


I don't think I post about this much anymore, but even though it's been over a year since I last saw her, I still think of my old T all the time and I miss her pretty badly. I still long for her. I still think I'm basically in love with her. It hasn't gone away.

It's very hard. It's confusing. I mean, I'm mad at her for what she put me through. I think she was self-absorbed and irresponsible. But I think I could forgive her and I just want to see her, know her, know how she is, talk to her. I've been restraining myself now for fifteen months from contacting her. I've talked about this consisently with my new T, but it just doesn't go away, and we only cover the same ground over and over, like broken records. There's no point in talking about it anymore. It solves nothing.

Sometimes I do wonder: was this just true love? But everyone who has experienced erotic transference wonders that, so how on earth can we really ever know?

I guess I'm just thinking out loud. I'm feeling wistful, and sad, and I miss my old T. I want to call her up and see her. My life has been gray since she left it.

 

Re: I still miss her crushedout

Posted by annierose on January 24, 2006, at 6:12:13

In reply to I still miss her, posted by crushedout on January 24, 2006, at 1:01:33

I sent you a babblemail. Please check your e-mail.

Annie

 

Re: I still miss her crushedout

Posted by fallsfall on January 24, 2006, at 7:31:21

In reply to I still miss her, posted by crushedout on January 24, 2006, at 1:01:33

(((Crushed)))

I'm sorry that your heart aches.

I know that it seems futile to talk about it in therapy. Perhaps you can talk about how futile it seems.

In my therapy we are talking again about the friend who I was in love with (obsessively) 11 years ago (this was before I went into therapy). I haven't seen her in probably 8 years now. I now remember her as a sweet, wonderful person who I had an unhealthy relationship with. The pain has lessened. We focus on what it was that I was looking for at the time. In some ways it seems clinical. So, at least for me, the obesession has faded over time.

As for my old therapist, I was never in "love" with her. Just incredibly dependent. I still want to (2 1/2 years later) have a session with her and tell her what I've learned, and maybe find out what her side of the story is. I alternate between wanting to explain to her all the things that she did wrong and wanting to tell her how well I'm doing so she will be proud of me. But mostly, I'm grateful that my current therapist is able to help me more than she was.

I know your pain, and the feeling of futility. These people were very important to us. It is right that they should remain "with" us. Over time, hopefully, we can see them more realistically. And hopefully, over time, it will be less painful.

 

Re: I still miss her crushedout

Posted by Tabitha on January 24, 2006, at 10:37:03

In reply to I still miss her, posted by crushedout on January 24, 2006, at 1:01:33

Gosh, I'm sorry the pain hasn't lessened.

I had a friend I just didn't get over, for like 8 years or so. It only got better when I'd finally changed so much that, looking back, the person he was then didn't appeal to me so much anymore. So I had to literally wait to outgrow the memory of the relationshp.

 

Re: I still miss her crushedout

Posted by fairywings on January 24, 2006, at 22:15:06

In reply to I still miss her, posted by crushedout on January 24, 2006, at 1:01:33

hi crushed, i went through this same feeling with someone in my life, and like tabitha, i changed and the feelings changed but it took a long time. i hope you grow and change with your new T, and you feel those feelings of longing less and less.

fw

 

Re: I still miss her

Posted by happyflower on January 25, 2006, at 18:24:56

In reply to Re: I still miss her crushedout, posted by fairywings on January 24, 2006, at 22:15:06

I know I will miss my T when therapy is over. Will I need a new T to work through this? But wait, then I will have to get a 3rd T to work out missing the 2nd T when that therapy ends. It seems like a never ending story.

Well all I can do it offer hugs ((((crushed out))))

 

Re: I still miss her fallsfall

Posted by crushedout on January 26, 2006, at 11:45:07

In reply to Re: I still miss her crushedout, posted by fallsfall on January 24, 2006, at 7:31:21

Thanks, falls (and everyone else too) for your post.

I guess I just wonder if I need to meet with her to get some closure.

Why didn't you ever have that meeting with your old T, falls? Do you think it would not have helped?

I'm thinking of a couple of hours over coffee, just to explain to her why I left (she still doesn't know) and hear her side of things, too, like you said.

And yes, of course, I hope that that could turn into something "nontherapeutic"--a friendship or relationship or whatever, and i guess that's why I haven't done it. Because I'm afraid that if that outcome does not result, I may be crushed (like my name suggests).

But but but there is a part that just wants closure.

 

Re: I still miss her crushedout

Posted by fallsfall on January 26, 2006, at 12:11:18

In reply to Re: I still miss her fallsfall, posted by crushedout on January 26, 2006, at 11:45:07

I would have an official session with her. And I don't hope for any residual relationship. So that is a difference between me and you. Why didn't I have the session? Because I'm afraid it will just make things worse again. I am at a point where I am moving on, I guess I don't think that it would help me do that. What would I say in such a meeting? I would want to tell her why what she was doing was wrong for me. I want to say that I would tell her this so that she could learn and help other people more. I'm not angry at her - I just think that her methods weren't helpful for me. I guess she should have referred me on earlier. I think I know why she didn't (because she was afraid of my reaction). I can live with things the way they are. I'm afraid that if I spent a session with her that everything would be stirred up again. I just don't think it would be helpful.

I guess I figure that I've come to an understanding that I can live with from my side. I expect that she has, too - from her side. If she wants to know how I'm doing, she could ask my pdoc (whose office is across the hall).

 

Re: I still miss her fallsfall

Posted by crushedout on January 26, 2006, at 12:26:41

In reply to Re: I still miss her crushedout, posted by fallsfall on January 26, 2006, at 12:11:18


Thanks falls. That was useful role-modeling of how to think it through. I would want to express similar stuff to what you said.

I think having it in the office might be better, too. I should think about that. That would make the residual relationship (which probably wouldn't be healthy for me) less likely to occur.

I may end up doing the same thing you did--just working it out on my own. I, too, am afraid of stirring that sh*t up. It took me so long to get some semblance of balance back. Why would I risk losing that? These are the sorts of things I guess I have to keep asking myself.

 

Re: I still miss her crushedout

Posted by annierose on January 26, 2006, at 12:43:24

In reply to Re: I still miss her fallsfall, posted by crushedout on January 26, 2006, at 12:26:41

I agree with Falls. Seeing her again will most definitely stir up all those feelings all over again. Having been in this exact situation, I guess I was bowled over (now there's an old expression!) by how much it brought all those longing feelings back AND fast.

The difference being we were both young. She was just beginning to practice privately and I was just beginning to learn about my emotional being. And I didn't understand the process, I didn't understand why I had such strong feelings for her and it frustrated me. So I quit.

I thought I could see her just 1 or 2 times to "catch up". But quickly realized, I wanted to finish what I had started with her. She had always kept strong boundaries, she was always smart, she never mis-handled my previous treatment, but was less than forgiving on some occasions (too long to explain). What I'm trying to say, I knew she was a good therapist. And I had tried others in-between. No one knew me like her. Or got it.

Good luck and think this through carefully. I waited 15 years.

 

Re: I still miss her annierose

Posted by crushedout on January 26, 2006, at 12:52:34

In reply to Re: I still miss her crushedout, posted by annierose on January 26, 2006, at 12:43:24


Thanks, annierose.

your babblemail was very good food for thought, although your experience and falls' pull me in different directions.

i don't know what to do. my old t really "got" me, too. and this one so does not. it's frustrating. but this one is very professional and kind. so i'm really torn.

 

p.s.

Posted by crushedout on January 26, 2006, at 12:55:17

In reply to Re: I still miss her annierose, posted by crushedout on January 26, 2006, at 12:52:34

I just realized that that last post made it sound like I was thinking of going back to my old T. I actually am not. I'm only contemplating a meeting. Although your story, annierose, put that possibility in my head, I guess. But it still seems very remote, as far as possibilities go.

More likely scenario would be: I see her, it's extremely disappointing and also stirs up all sorts of painful longings, and then I go back to my cave and lick my wounds. (am i a lion or a bat? i'm not sure.)

 

Re: p.s. crushedout

Posted by gardenergirl on January 26, 2006, at 14:56:30

In reply to p.s., posted by crushedout on January 26, 2006, at 12:55:17

> > More likely scenario would be: I see her, it's extremely disappointing and also stirs up all sorts of painful longings, and then I go back to my cave and lick my wounds. (am i a lion or a bat? i'm not sure.)

If I had to guess, I think I'd agree with you that this is likely to happen. Maybe not. I'd be very worried about her boundaries, though, given what you've shared with us in the past. So I think I'd advise you to stay away if you asked me what I thought (like how I tell you anyway?) ;)

Have you tried writing a letter to her? Even if you never sent it, doing this can help with closure. In grief work, writing a letter to the lost person and then reading it aloud to another person, perhaps your T, can really help. Sometimes it takes more than one letter as other unresolved feelings or questions come up.

I'm glad your current T is kind and caring. Another option is to sign a release for your current T to talk to your past T for her input, since you feel the old T "got you". Maybe she can share something that will be helpful to you now?

At any rate....((((((((crushed)))))))

I'm selfishly happy to see you back posting, although I'm sorry it's because you're still hurting from this.

Take care,

gg

 

Re: I still miss her crushedout

Posted by annierose on January 26, 2006, at 18:04:59

In reply to Re: I still miss her annierose, posted by crushedout on January 26, 2006, at 12:52:34

I hope I not leading you to make a decision either way. I just wanted you to feel that it's okay to still have these feelings after 18? months. It was an important relationship for you. The grief process is a long one. I wanted you to know that all those feelings came back for me after 1 or 2 visits, even after a 15 year seperation. But like GG said, I'm not sure your former T handled her boundaries with you well. I can't remember all the details, but I do recall your painful sessions.

I like GG's idea of writing a letter. I wrote to my T almost every Christmas --- I skipped a few. She NEVER responded for 15 years. So if you decide to write AND mail, keep in mind she may decide not to respond. For me, it was okay. I just wanted her to know that I was doing good. I had gotten married, opened my own business, had 2 children --- I wasn't mad at her, I just wanted her to know I had gone on with my life.

Also, keep talking about this with your current T. She seems really good. Ask her these questions you pose here. Ask her everything. I think she will be the most helpful.

((((((((((CRUSHED))))))))))))

 

Re: p.s. gardenergirl

Posted by crushedout on January 26, 2006, at 19:04:28

In reply to Re: p.s. crushedout, posted by gardenergirl on January 26, 2006, at 14:56:30


I've started countless letters to her but most of the time writing them sends me into such a crying jag that i can't finish. I think I finished one or two but never sent them. Reading one to my current T is a good idea.

The idea of having my current T talk to the old one is a really interesting thought but I could never do it. I would feel too much like I'm giving over control to them. Icky.

Thanks, gg--at least it's good to know I'm wanted here.

This whole thing is so confusing. Today I found out more stuff about my current T by doing internet research. I found out when her mother died (found the death notice), her mother's name, her siblings' names, her father's name, and her kids/neices/nephews' names. The whole thing made me feel kind of sad and wistful about the current T, which I think is a little bit of a relief because at least it takes my mind off T1.

Out of the frying pan, into the fire.

 

(((((crushed))))) (nm) crushedout

Posted by Tamar on January 26, 2006, at 19:37:48

In reply to Re: p.s. gardenergirl, posted by crushedout on January 26, 2006, at 19:04:28

 

Re: I still miss her crushedout

Posted by Dinah on January 27, 2006, at 14:06:17

In reply to I still miss her, posted by crushedout on January 24, 2006, at 1:01:33

My gut feeling is that it wouldn't bring you any closure, just more pain.

I'm not sure I believe there is such a thing as closure, except in a very limited number of circumstances where it's best for everyone and it just feels bittersweet. I think losing someone you care about hurts and continues to hurt. One day it might hurt less. But I don't think so.


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