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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by milly on January 26, 2006, at 16:10:54
I just catch a glimps of what is possible to have, a changed me, and along comes a situation and I revert to type!
having only just managed to interact with others again, I opened the door and there on the doorstep was a 'needy' parishoner asking for hubby (he's a minister)Unfortunately hes out and somehow I end up with over 2 hours of this guys problems. I'm hardly coping with myself let alone anyone else.
I certainly don't need the intimate sexual details of his failed marriage etc but i couldn't get rid of him and I feel REALLY guilty for wanting to but I'm not in a place where I can cope with this.
he kept saying how good I was to talk to but he didn't know that i couldn't 'hear' him I was concentrating so hard on not losing it.
I'm so horrible
Now I'm back to not being able to open the front door or answer the telephone and feeling unsafe in my own home
milly
Posted by happyflower on January 26, 2006, at 17:19:06
In reply to I'm so stupid, posted by milly on January 26, 2006, at 16:10:54
It was kind of you to let this guy talk to you, but you need to take care of yourself first.
I don't answer the door if I am not expecting anyone or if I don't know who it is. Do you have an answering machine or caller ID? This helps me a lot because there are certain people in my life that I do not take calls from.
Posted by Tamar on January 26, 2006, at 19:04:30
In reply to I'm so stupid, posted by milly on January 26, 2006, at 16:10:54
> I just catch a glimps of what is possible to have, a changed me, and along comes a situation and I revert to type!
> having only just managed to interact with others again, I opened the door and there on the doorstep was a 'needy' parishoner asking for hubby (he's a minister)Unfortunately hes out and somehow I end up with over 2 hours of this guys problems. I'm hardly coping with myself let alone anyone else.Ah, that’s difficult. Having a minister as a partner must be particularly hard when you have difficulties dealing with people. And two hours is a long time to listen to someone’s woes when you’re not feeling up to it.
> I certainly don't need the intimate sexual details of his failed marriage etc but i couldn't get rid of him and I feel REALLY guilty for wanting to but I'm not in a place where I can cope with this.
I’d say there’s no shame in the feeling of wanting to get rid of him. Your husband is the minister. Unless you’re ordained too, you didn’t choose to listen to the details of people’s lives. You probably haven’t had any training in that kind of listening. One of the most important things in learning how to listen to that sort of stuff is learning how to distance it from your own life, so that you don’t feel too involved. It’s really hard to do that without training, and especially if you’ve been unwell yourself.
> he kept saying how good I was to talk to but he didn't know that i couldn't 'hear' him I was concentrating so hard on not losing it.
> I'm so horribleNo. You’re not horrible. You’re wonderful because despite your misgivings and discomfort you really helped this man. Even if you feel you didn’t hear him because you were concentrating on not losing it. It sounds to me as if he experienced two hours of non-judgemental attention from someone who was willing to sit still and let him talk. It doesn’t matter that you couldn’t hear him; it was a very good experience for him (if not for you). So give yourself credit for helping him, even though it was at enormous cost to yourself.
> Now I'm back to not being able to open the front door or answer the telephone and feeling unsafe in my own home
That’s understandable. If I were in your position I probably wouldn’t open the front door or answer the telephone. And that’s OK too. There’s no law that says you have to open the door. If your husband is a minister, I’d imagine that the best plan is to let him open the door when he’s home and ignore it when he’s not home. It’s extremely important that you feel safe in your own home, and you can gain confidence in dealing with people when you *choose* to go out. When you’re at home, let your husband deal with any callers.
You are a good person. Don’t beat yourself up about this. You are allowed to look after yourself. When you are much better you will feel more inclined to be helpful to strangers who come to your house!
Tamar
Posted by gardenergirl on January 26, 2006, at 19:52:00
In reply to You're not stupid » milly, posted by Tamar on January 26, 2006, at 19:04:30
Ditto what the wise Tamar said.
And keep in mind that progress is not a straight line. We slip back at times. But hopefully as time goes on, we pick ourselves back up, dust ourselves off and go about our business easier and faster than before.
((((milly)))) Love that name! :)
gg
Posted by muffled on January 26, 2006, at 22:35:21
In reply to I'm so stupid, posted by milly on January 26, 2006, at 16:10:54
Ahhhhhhhhh. You not stupid. This is muffled. Never talked you don't think?
Ya, preachers wife is a tough one. People expect alot. Some anyways. But not all. Dunno how connect you are w/other ladies in church. Would be nice to have someone on your side.
Whats yer hubby think of this?
Sure sucks you can't answer door.
What about a sign outside, so that when hubby not home it tells people, and to not knock if he not there or something so you don't have to 'hide' when you hear a knock. Ya , do not disturb or something.
I think you sound like you were more than patient w/this guy.
Don't matter whether you hear or not half the time. Sometimes people just want to spill.
Ya. You goto take specially care of youself and your hubby needs to watch out for you too.
Take care
Muffled
Posted by milly on January 27, 2006, at 4:40:57
In reply to Re: I'm so stupid, posted by happyflower on January 26, 2006, at 17:19:06
Thanks, I went to bed feeling cr*p (I'm in UK) and woke to these encouraging messages.
Hubby is more than 'out' hes away in Belgium and this is the first time I've been trusted to be alone overnight with our girls.
I suppose because being left felt like a huge step forward I'd forgotten how very vulnerable i still am, and you are right,I must try and look after me
milly
Posted by milly on January 27, 2006, at 4:50:34
In reply to You're not stupid » milly, posted by Tamar on January 26, 2006, at 19:04:30
You really are very wise. no i'm not trained just years of being what everyone expects of me meant that the automatic response was to 'put the kettle on'.
this was the first time I had experienced someone 'dumping' on me since becoming ill, most have given me a very wide berth as in an English village EVERYONE knew that the ministers wife had 'cracked/lost it'
milly
Posted by milly on January 27, 2006, at 4:52:31
In reply to Re: You're not stupid, posted by gardenergirl on January 26, 2006, at 19:52:00
Thanks, I keep trying to run before I can walk and then getting very upset when I 'fall in the ditch'
milly
Posted by milly on January 27, 2006, at 5:02:14
In reply to Re: I'm not stupid » milly, posted by muffled on January 26, 2006, at 22:35:21
> Ahhhhhhhhh. You not stupid. This is muffled. Never talked you don't think?
Nope I'm new to all this
> Ya, preachers wife is a tough one. People expect alot Some anyways. But not all. Dunno how connect you are w/other ladies in church. Would be nice to have someone on your side.
Some very good, others think I'm being 'used by the devil', others don't understand at all and cross that I've absorbed so much of their ministers time etc
There are expectations then I double it and beat myself up about it because I fail> Whats yer hubby think of this?
hubby good, protective, understanding
Thanks
milly
Posted by milly on January 27, 2006, at 5:06:01
In reply to Re: You're not stupid » gardenergirl, posted by milly on January 27, 2006, at 4:52:31
Your zipper story made me laugh so much thanks, Are you going to mention it?
Posted by gardenergirl on January 27, 2006, at 14:38:32
In reply to amazing mental picture gardenergirl, posted by milly on January 27, 2006, at 5:06:01
LOL, glad it was good for so many laughs. I laughed so hard I was crying, which makes me wonder what my T would think if he saw me in my car.
I don't know if I will mention it. I could bring it up in the context of how I sometimes wonder or imagine that he is watching me walk out to my car from his window. In a sort of protective way...you know...watching over me?
Or I may just say, "Um, was there a problem when I stood up last time?"
Of course, he'll say, "What are you worried about? or What kind of problem?"
or "What if there were?"Darn those psychodynamic T's...
Stay out of ditches.... Unless there's a tornado coming.
((((milly))))
gg
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