Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 602300

Shown: posts 1 to 22 of 22. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

horrible story *triggers*

Posted by James K on January 24, 2006, at 1:30:41

I was going to go inpatient today. I've been outpatient for anyone reading who missed the earlier post about this. I set out to drive over and see about making the transfer. and couldn't find my keys. Turns out they were in my jacket at my friends house from Saturday night. He wasn't home, but he knew he had the jacket.

Here's where things start to go bad. I'm okay with this so far. I decide to walk. I've called my wife - left her hanging only knowing I couldn't find my keys. I've called the clinic, let them know. So I'm going to walk maybe 5 or 6 miles to the hospital. What the hey, i'll sleep good first night in. Why not take the bus, after all it's cold and I do have chronic fatigue syndrome? Naw walk.

Stop at the liquor store to fuel my energy up. Why not, I'm going into the psych ward anyway, nothing happens the first day but sitting around waiting on things. I walk through the city neighborhoods sipping diet coke with jim beam. Stop at another liquor store for another diet coke and little bottle of whiskey. I decide to cut through the university to save distance. I'm feeling good now, a little stumbley but nothing that screams "he doesn't belong here".

Next is a big field. No problem. oops, a fence. I can climb a fence, maybe not. My knuckles where already running a little blood from working out on the heavy bag without gloves saturday night. So now there is a nice little slice on my palm from the fence. Go around the fence and walk down the street by the medical center. Apparently I've gone beyond feeling good and into partial blackout.

Just like that, out of nowhere I'm self injuring right on the major street. no idea how it started. I had dropped my flannel shirt and had to run back to find it. Maybe the exertion of that changed something upstairs. I think I was hitting my head with my (closed) pocket knife. I know I slammed my forehead into a big metal light post. really don't know why.

Then something new - never happened before. I stabbed my swiss army knife right into my forearm. Now I'm walking down a major street in the early afternoon with blood running down my face and shirt. leaving trails down my arm and on the sidewalk. And I'm lost. I'm not on the right street anymore.

A true good samaritan ran up to see if I was okay, and I told him I was trying to go to the hospital. He tried to call an ambulance at the store, but one turned up out of the blue (or not) this is hazy and in pieces (like me). I end up in city hospital with some interesting people. fortunately no one was willing to direct trouble in my direction. Ambulance guy called my wife, she trained it over from work (another missed day thanks to me).

I stayed there for a while. They had trouble understanding the concept that there was a hospital expecting me. They made my wife go away, she got mad and I threw a cup of water at the cop guy and said "f*ck you bitch" and started to get up, but he was cool about it. They cleaned me up and put strips on the stab in my arm and my split head. I talked to some of the other guys and punched myself in the head region several times. Once to show a med student what I thought about my wife being sent out. But it really was kind of peaceful and people had good attitudes. Then they said my hospital had no beds open so I could go. Got my clothes, my wife, signed some paper and bussed it home.

I've got a black lump on side of forehead, big steri-stip laceration in middle of forehead. Jaws and temples swollen and sore. And a goddamned stab hole in my forearm. Bloody knuckles left hand, possible refracture right hand. But I'm not in the hospital . and that was the point of the morning and the last two days and all the blocking out the horribleness of it. My pdoc didn't answer his phone. my pnurse talked to my wife twice saying bring him in. But I was told there was no room in the inn.

Now I don't want to go in anymore. My whole body is sore and I can't sleep. New wounds to hide and be embarrassed about, new scars to live with. I don't think they understood the depth of my stab, because they didn't prescribe any antibiotics or anything. the wound is oozing through the strips. I gave my knife to the good samaritan and told him to please put it in a dumpster or something.

Thought about things some
I don't want to kill myself
I don't want to die (not exactly the same thing)
I don't like being drunk
I don't like hitting myself
I don't like being in blackout state

just under the surface, something incredibly ugly and horrible is me. I don't know how to get well. I'm trying to do the right things to solve this problem so I can go back to a more normal lifestyle. I am making horrible decisions. I don't understand therapy and I don't understand the meds. I need to go tomorrow and show all of my friends at the hospital. "this is what mental illness looks like" so we can take a day off from discussing their codependent ex-boyfriends and figure out either why I do this or how to stop it.

I can't believe I live like this.
James K

 

Re: horrible story *triggers* » James K

Posted by cricket on January 24, 2006, at 6:45:10

In reply to horrible story *triggers*, posted by James K on January 24, 2006, at 1:30:41

James K,

I haven't been on Babble much so I don't think I've ever posted to you before.

But you tell your story so clearly and I can identify so much with your pain.

I hope you find some comfort soon.

I hope you stop hurting yourself.

I can't be on here very much these days, but others will so keep posting if it helps at all.

 

Re: horrible story *triggers* » James K

Posted by fallsfall on January 24, 2006, at 7:38:09

In reply to horrible story *triggers*, posted by James K on January 24, 2006, at 1:30:41

I'm sorry you are in such pain.

You clearly are looking for help. You need to make sure that you find that help today.

Can you find a guaranteed way to get to your outpatient program today? Can your wife drive you? Or call a cab. Bring your suitcase. Once you are at the outpatient program, they won't be able to let you leave. If there is no bed, you can sleep on the couch next to the nurse's station. Don't let them say no. Tell them that this is what you need. Can your wife go with you to advocate for you?

No more alcohol. Period.

I hope you can find the help that you need. Good luck.

 

Re: horrible story *triggers* » James K

Posted by ClearSkies on January 24, 2006, at 8:41:28

In reply to horrible story *triggers*, posted by James K on January 24, 2006, at 1:30:41

James,
I hope you are able to get to the outpatient programme today. No more alcohol, friend! It just makes you feel so much worse when you already feel bad. Blackness upon darkness makes everything uglier. I'm here if you want to talk or babblemail.
ClearSkies - bipolarII, GAD, panic attacks, substance abuse.

 

I understand you but.... » James K

Posted by muffled on January 24, 2006, at 9:20:16

In reply to horrible story *triggers*, posted by James K on January 24, 2006, at 1:30:41

not the system.
Try not to drink definately, that so makes things worse.
It can get better. Just the dt's can mess you up awhile. But it does get better.
You gotta dry out awhile.
And get GOOD help.
Take care youself.
:-(
Muffled

 

Thanks

Posted by James K on January 24, 2006, at 19:13:48

In reply to I understand you but.... » James K, posted by muffled on January 24, 2006, at 9:20:16

Ya'll are right, drinking has to be out. I can't trust myself at all right now, and any impairment opens the door.

I didn't go today. My wife isn't too happy with that decision. I want to make it clear to her (and you all). From friday evening to when I was in the medical hospital, I had every intention of being admitted. Now I'm struggling with the rejection part of me - "if they don't want me and cant help me, than screw them.".

I don't want to face them with injuries all over me then say "I think I'd rather not go in anymore". For 2 days my therapists and doctor were very concerned about my safety. They were right. I'm okay right this second though.

on an obscuring the issue and diverting the attention away from the main issue note, showering in those dark nasty showers and polished metal mirrors when you are scaby is gross and difficult. and sleeping on a foam pad when you are bruised hurts.

How could they be full? the federal government is asking them for millions for taking too many medicaid/medicare patients and billing too much.
They laid off a hundred people 2 weeks ago. Surely the medicare patients are gone now, leaving room for private insurance people. How could my doctor tell me come in under any circumstances then not answer phone call, page from trauma center AND his own psych nurse employee?

I don't know what to do! We don't have good hospitals here. There is one, but it's out of network thats like 5,000 dollars out of pocket. And they make you pay 20,000 up front and get your own reimbursment. I used up all the damn money last year. I've f*cked everything up. My wife works hours and hours and I piss it away on booze and prescriptions and therapy. IF SOMEONE WOULD HIRE ME, I WOULD MOVE BOXES ALL DAY FOR MINIMUM WAGE, I HAVE BEFORE.

sorry folks, i'm venting and feeling self-pity. poor me, poor me, pour me another. get off your pity pot, take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth, there are certain unfortunates who are pathologically incapable of being honest with themselves, those poor f*ckers are going to die. Let your feelings out, we have 5 minutes left before lunch. Are you sharing in group? God does love you even though you don't believe in him, read The Purpose Driven LIfe, REad the big book, read the bible. Your higher power can be a door knob as long as that doorknob is jesus christ. You never worried about side effects when you were putting all those nasty chemicals in you body.

sorry again, tomorrow is another day.
My wife just got home.

James K

 

Re: Thanks

Posted by alexandra_k on January 24, 2006, at 19:56:17

In reply to Thanks, posted by James K on January 24, 2006, at 19:13:48

((((((James K)))))))

You had some really specific things you wanted to work on. About why you do this. And how you can stop doing it.

Maybe... Individual therapy would be better. Where you can focus on your issues rather than issues of other people (that don't really seem to apply to you) when you need someone to help you figure out this stuff ASAP.

Could you do that?

IMO.... Screw hospital. It doesn't really help for much. And if your hospital is anything like our hospital you won't get individual therapy in there anyways...

I don't have a bath...

Maybe a soak in the tub would help?

 

Re: horrible story *triggers* » James K

Posted by fairywings on January 24, 2006, at 22:09:27

In reply to horrible story *triggers*, posted by James K on January 24, 2006, at 1:30:41

i'm sorry you're in so much pain james, it sounds horrible and you sound so hurt and confused about where to turn. i'm sure your wife is terribly worried about you and if she thinks you need to go in, then you should go in.

fw

 

Re: Thanks » James K

Posted by ClearSkies on January 24, 2006, at 22:15:56

In reply to Thanks, posted by James K on January 24, 2006, at 19:13:48

Outpatient wasn't the best place for me ultimately to start to heal and recover. At the last session I attended, where I walked out, I stood up at my chair and made an eloquent accusation to the tune of my opinion that the rest of the group did not have any original thoughts. I wished them all well with their sobrieties but I felt like a parrot being trained to repeat back all those phrases.

Ahem. Not my shining hour. But, as someone said to me, I "spoke my truth". Sheesh, at the expense of behaving like a real butthead in front of those folks. So that was how that treatment ended for me. Then into a non 12-step meeting and individual therapy with someone with whom I felt a much better connection. It has not been sunshine and butterflies since then but I have my sobriety which is the building block I can build my therapy work on.

Keep on, James. You know what you need, you are struggling with a system that feels helplessly broken, if it ever worked at all. You're a smart cookie. You have a compassion you're able to show for others that is a wonderful reflection of the person you are. In the meantime, keep posting, use the support that you can glean from this place, keep connected.
ClearSkies

 

Commitment

Posted by James K on January 24, 2006, at 22:29:48

In reply to Re: Thanks » James K, posted by ClearSkies on January 24, 2006, at 22:15:56

My wife talked to the docter and the nurse on the phone today. They wanted to know where I was. They have no idea why the emergency room would have let me go. It's kind of not legal to pick somebody up in that condition and let them walk out a few hours later.

The doctor was adamant that I need to be there now. The nurse made a reference to something warrant related. This part is vague because everyone is tiptoeing around. I'm not paranoid, people are just extra concerned about me right now.

I'm talking myself into back where I was Friday. I've kind of made a mess of it and need to clean up. Long term individual therapy is probably a lot of my answer. Every thing feels fine now, "why do I need to go in?". So thanks for the reality checks.

I'll keep you posted. If you don't hear from me for a while, don't worry, it will mean I've done the best thing and will be back online as soon as I can.

James K

 

Re: horrible story *triggers* » James K

Posted by Declan on January 25, 2006, at 5:31:02

In reply to horrible story *triggers*, posted by James K on January 24, 2006, at 1:30:41

James, I don't understand it (of course). And I dunno if it will help to tell you of the positive impression you make with your posts. I feel like saying 'what's the problem?'

'Something incredibly horrible and ugly is me'. The me that hates me is the me that is hateful? (As in the me I am trying to find is the me that is trying to find it?)

I dunno what's what. You're one of the people I come here to read though.

Is it like not having a foundation? (I've no idea why I say that)

Declan

 

Re: horrible story *triggers* » Declan

Posted by James K on January 25, 2006, at 22:36:25

In reply to Re: horrible story *triggers* » James K, posted by Declan on January 25, 2006, at 5:31:02

The me that hates me is the me that is hateful.

That seems very important. Thank you for saying that.

I'm going to post an update a little later. Still have decisions to make, still making some poor ones, but I'm safe right now.

Thanks again,
James K

 

Re: horrible story *triggers* » Declan

Posted by fairywings on January 26, 2006, at 5:58:29

In reply to Re: horrible story *triggers* » James K, posted by Declan on January 25, 2006, at 5:31:02


>
> Is it like not having a foundation? (I've no idea why I say that)
>
> Declan

James, declan is right, you're so incredibly well spoken, and rational in your responses. I hope you get through this storm and to the other side quickly.

fw

 

Re: horrible story *triggers* » James K

Posted by Tamar on January 26, 2006, at 17:45:45

In reply to horrible story *triggers*, posted by James K on January 24, 2006, at 1:30:41

Gosh, James… your pain comes across very strongly in your posts. And you seem to hate yourself so deeply. No one should be hated as much as you hate yourself. It’s too much; it’s not fair to you.

I don’t know much about you… I only know what I’ve read here. But one thing I know is that you deserve to be loved. You are obviously a sensitive, caring, compassionate person. There should be more people like you in the world.

I agree with what others have said: trying to quit the booze is very important. It’s not easy, but I think it would help. You’re no longer using alcohol just to numb your pain; you’re using it as a way of losing your inhibitions against hurting yourself. It’s not helping you; it’s hurting you.

From what you’ve posted, your wife sounds pretty supportive and loving. Do you believe she loves you? If you hate yourself it’s all too easy to focus on your responsibilities rather than on the strengths you bring to the relationship. And yet, she’s still showing up when you need her. It seems to me that she is showing you she loves you even if it’s hard for you to accept. And that means (of course) that you are loveable, even if you find it difficult to imagine.

I dunno… I don’t know much about you and I don’t know anything about your marriage… but I know I enjoy reading your posts and I know I care what happens to you. I hope you will find the next few days and weeks a bit easier.

Best wishes,
Tamar

 

Re: horrible story *triggers* » Tamar

Posted by James K on January 27, 2006, at 17:01:47

In reply to Re: horrible story *triggers* » James K, posted by Tamar on January 26, 2006, at 17:45:45

Tamar,
I've been thinking about what you said. "nobody should be hated as much as you hate yourself." I've never thought of it that way before. I've heard and maybe it didn't sink in, that I'm loveable, and that (whatever people have told me, my mind just went blank). Nobody has ever spoken to the extremeness of my self hate. What a meaningful concept. I wouldn't treat, nor should anyone else, a human being the way I treat myself. (it's not just treatment, it's emotion. too big right now) Thank you for saying something so direct and perceptive.

You are also right on the money about my using alchohol as a disinhibitor rather than a numb-er. That is something I've rarely admitted, usually in an emergency room, trying to explain that this day, I drank to do this. As opposed to doing this because I drink.

But as FW and CS and several others are telling me, I have to stay dry. That is very hard for me. I first substance abused when I was 9. I don't know how to do it. That puts this discussion back to the SA board, but I wanted to thank everyone here for all the support, feeling, and advice. Muffled, cricket, fallsfall, alex, Declan (if you're still reading right now) thank you so much. Dang, thank you all pb'ers not on this particular thread, this place has been good for me.

James K

 

Re: horrible story *triggers* James

Posted by Pfinstegg on January 27, 2006, at 17:15:39

In reply to Re: horrible story *triggers* » Tamar, posted by James K on January 27, 2006, at 17:01:47

Hey, you are very smart! That's going to help a huge amount in dealing with the traumas you have suffered. And you have a wife by your side- sticking with you- that, too, is a huge asset. i have been in and out of these threads, so I'm not sure- do you have a therapist who can be long-term, and with whom you can develop real feelings of safety?

 

Re: horrible story *triggers* James » Pfinstegg

Posted by James K on January 27, 2006, at 23:55:56

In reply to Re: horrible story *triggers* James, posted by Pfinstegg on January 27, 2006, at 17:15:39

> Hey, you are very smart!

---thank you.

That's going to help a huge amount in dealing with the traumas you have suffered. And you have a wife by your side- sticking with you- that, too, is a huge asset. i have been in and out of these threads, so I'm not sure- do you have a therapist who can be long-term, and with whom you can develop real feelings of safety?

---No, I know that might be the only way to get all the way through this. I've always quit after a short while. I don't know if it's self sabatoge or bad fit. I pick women therapists and they seem (this is all in my head) to either be charmed by me or have a resentment against me. I don't know if I could be vunerable with a male. So after I've cried a few times and said how unhappy I am, it's time to do something about it and I just don't. I get tired of hearing myself. Or I don't want to change. I'm really not sure. When something goes wrong I run away.

I have insurance that allows unlimited visits for the first time ever, so now is the time. I've burned another bridge with my outpatient program, so start from scratch. My wife brought home the provider list yesterday and I didn't even look at the papers. You've reminded me of them. She has infinite patience.

thanks
James K

 

finding a therapist..

Posted by Pfinstegg on January 28, 2006, at 15:21:40

In reply to Re: horrible story *triggers* James » Pfinstegg, posted by James K on January 27, 2006, at 23:55:56

"unlimited" is rare and came at just the right moment. Why not interview three or four on your provider list, and include a male or two. Treat it like the beginning of an investigation. It doesn't matter what feelings arise in you after you start treatment- you and your therapist can deal with them; you are going to go through every possible feeling in long-term therapy! But, as a person who has Complex PTSD, I can tell you therapy really does help. Along with EMDR, perhaps, it is definitely the treatment of choice. Dealing with substance abuse is crucial, too. You may really feel like sabotaging yourself, especially at the beginning, but how about if you promise yourself (and your wife- and us) that you won't this time?

 

Re: horrible story *triggers* James

Posted by fallsfall on January 28, 2006, at 16:48:41

In reply to Re: horrible story *triggers* James » Pfinstegg, posted by James K on January 27, 2006, at 23:55:56

Do talk to 3 or 4 candidates before you make your decision. I was amazed at how clear my opinions were of different candidates when I did this. It is perfectly reasonable for you to tell them "I'm talking to a number of therapists and then I'll make a decision to go with whoever feels like the best fit."

I found that some of my candidates and I agreed at our first meeting that someone else would probably be a better choice for me.

 

Re: horrible story *triggers* James

Posted by James K on January 28, 2006, at 23:13:53

In reply to Re: horrible story *triggers* James, posted by fallsfall on January 28, 2006, at 16:48:41

Pf and FF, I'm working myself up to this. I usually have to plant an idea for a little bit to implement. Thanks for the ideas and encouragement. I think a promise is in order, but I'm not going to make until I'm sure my intentions are honorable.

Any suggestions or encouragement are welcome. I'm going to make it this time.

James K

 

Re: horrible story *triggers* James » James K

Posted by ClearSkies on January 29, 2006, at 0:21:51

In reply to Re: horrible story *triggers* James, posted by James K on January 28, 2006, at 23:13:53

Hey there James. Feel free to post on the Substances board if you are looking for some support with your drinking.
We are a very supportive bunch or people, I can say from personal experiences.

These folks have really helped me keep my head straight while I was figuring out some of the other bits.

We are all rooting for you!
ClearSkies

 

Re: horrible story *triggers* James » James K

Posted by fallsfall on January 29, 2006, at 8:34:30

In reply to Re: horrible story *triggers* James, posted by James K on January 28, 2006, at 23:13:53

Good for you!

I kept notes of my interviews with potential therapists. If you want, I will email them to you so you can see what I went through, and how I made my decision. I've been with my therapist now for 2 1/2 years. I made the perfect choice!

Babblemail me if you want me to send you my notes.


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