Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 601410

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Re: T said to keep depression as long as I want it » fairywings

Posted by Dinah on January 21, 2006, at 4:52:08

In reply to T said to keep depression as long as I want it, posted by fairywings on January 21, 2006, at 3:18:59

This isn't like him? I find that when my therapist is going through a rough time, he sometimes does uncharacteristic things.

He sounds frustrated, but if he's going through a rough time it may well not be about you.

I understand wanting to cut a therapist some slack. I think we're not supposed to do it, according to the therapy rules. We're not supposed to try to protect them. But I do it anyway sometimes, and sometimes I draw boundaries or challenge him on what he says.

I got a bit overwhelmed reading your post. Almost like he was going through all his depression interventions and not sticking with any of them long enough for them to stick.

I'm not sure how he said to keep your depression as long as you want it. My therapist has said not quite similar things sometimes, but he said his idea was to get me to think about any secondary gains I might be getting from feeling the way I do. Or to give me permission to do what I was already doing, so that I could feel free to let go of it. Or something like that. He didn't mean it in as negative way as it sounded at any rate.

I'm kind of interested in the comment about going home feeling drained. It's not a really typical comment for therapists to make. Even mine, who's pretty transparent about his feelings probably would have been careful before saying something like that. What was the ocntext, if you don't mind my asking? Was it something clearly related to you?

My reaction would be the same as yours, I think. I would never want to return. But then I'd probably call and tell him how what he said made me feel, and hope like anything that he had something very reassuring to say to that. Which obviously mine must do, or Id have never made it this long in therapy.

 

Re: T said to keep depression as long as I want it

Posted by Declan on January 21, 2006, at 5:48:50

In reply to Re: T said to keep depression as long as I want it » fairywings, posted by Dinah on January 21, 2006, at 4:52:08

Let me try to say that a little better. If the mystery is why do you cause yourself suffering, I think there are better ways to put it than that you choose it. There are better ways to acknowledge this and give it the weight it deserves. It sounds flip, if that makes sense.
Declan

 

Re: T said to keep depression as long as I want it » Declan

Posted by fairywings on January 21, 2006, at 9:02:40

In reply to Re: T said to keep depression as long as I want it » fairywings, posted by Declan on January 21, 2006, at 4:00:47

Thanks Declan,

Yes, he's said stuff about making choices and feeling empowered. I didn't know that was standard T stuff.

He did suggest that maybe it was biological, but mostly he told me it was a choice and I had to make an effort "IF" I wanted to change, but I have chosen to do things I didn't feel doing, I don't feel better, I feel worse. I have 4 kids, and I don't want to be a sucky mom, or wife. I don't want to feel completely lost and alone, but I do.

I agree, he could put things differently. I feel like he's putting up a wall to protect himself from me, and I don't have a problem with that, if he'd just be honest and say "I really can't deal with you right now."

fw

 

Re: T said to keep depression as long as I want it » Dinah

Posted by fairywings on January 21, 2006, at 9:36:00

In reply to Re: T said to keep depression as long as I want it » fairywings, posted by Dinah on January 21, 2006, at 4:52:08

Hi Dinah,

No, it's not like him, but it seems like since I started feeling depressed he's less like he was b4. I feel like I'm getting on his nerves, and he's saying, "fine, if you want to feel this way, you go right ahead and waste as much of your life as you want. It's a choice and when you make the choice to feel better, you'll feel better. Period." He even said "do you realize that some people go through most of their lives feeling this way? Isn't that amazing?" The message was pretty clear.

I think he's burnt out, from the comment about feeling completely drained when he goes home at night. We were talking about movies, and he said that he'd never watched this one movie all the way through because when he goes home at night, he's so drained that all he wants to do is go into a trance, so he flips channels on the TV and 1/2 the time he doesn't even know what he's watching. Of course, being who I am, I take that personally, and feel guilty about contributing to his feeling drained. While I know I probably shouldn't be subject to it according to the rules, I'd rather have him be honest, and decide from there what to do. (My last T was biting, and not honest.)

He's also dealing with big family stuff as well as really bad stuff at the office. Everyone knows about the office stuff bec. it affects everything. It's not something we shouldn't know. I know all of it has to be incredibly stressful.

I'm not sure I understand what you mean by going through all of his interventions and not sticking to them. Maybe that's why I've felt like he's all over the place telling me Jan. is a big time for depression, to maybe it's biological, to mostly just telling me to make a choice, put on a happy face, and b4 I know it I'll feel better.

When he said to keep the depression as long as I want, he said something like if you know you are allowed to keep it, maybe you'll feel empowered to give it up and make the choice to feel better. Earlier he did ask if I wanted to feel better, or if I wasn't ready to give it up. He said he's felt miserable b4 and didn't want anyone to take it away.

I'm writing him a note to tell him how some of his comments made me feel. Frankly, with all he's dealing with, I don't think it will matter. I get the feeling he's just burnt out. I think I'll cancel my next appt. if I don't feel better bec. I leave feeling worse than when I came, and I think I can listen to a self help CD to tell me to think positively, not get caught up in negative thoughts, and to focus on good things.

Thanks Dinah.
fw

 

Re: T said to keep depression as long as I want it » fairywings

Posted by Tabitha on January 21, 2006, at 10:39:44

In reply to T said to keep depression as long as I want it, posted by fairywings on January 21, 2006, at 3:18:59

I don't know, maybe he meant it as a sort of reverse psychology thing, because you've tried fighting it and it doesn't work, sometimes accepting it actually helps you get through it faster. It takes the pressure off. Plus I think there can be some usefulness in depression, like it allows a grief process, or it insulates you from some other feelings, so keeping it for as long as you need might actually be an OK idea.

 

Re: T said to keep depression as long as I want it

Posted by James K on January 21, 2006, at 10:55:47

In reply to T said to keep depression as long as I want it, posted by fairywings on January 21, 2006, at 3:18:59

I wrote the following message in the heat of anger. I've been trying to decide if I should post it. I don't like that a therapist is hurting his clients because he/she is having problems, or decided to shame the client into wellness. But I don't want to disturb or hurt fairywings more. IRL i can say this kind of stuff and by the end, I'm laughing. That doesn't come out in writing.

I'm not going to post it. It was about how the lowest paid workers still show up and do what they are paid for. Organic gardening was referenced as an alternative. I think that was the only non-offensive part.

I'm sorry you've been hurt.

James K

 

Re: T said to keep depression as long as I want it » Tabitha

Posted by fairywings on January 21, 2006, at 14:46:19

In reply to Re: T said to keep depression as long as I want it » fairywings, posted by Tabitha on January 21, 2006, at 10:39:44


thanks tabitha. i don't know, he probably was trying to use reverse psychology. He doesn't find depression useful though, he pretty much says i'm wasting my life, creating my own hell. i know it's true that it's a waste, but knowing that doesn't make me feel any better, it makes me feel worse about me as a person. i have 4 kids, i don't have time for this, but i can't seem to shake it, laugh it away, love it away, make beauty chase it away....

fw

 

Re: T said to keep depression as long as I want it » James K

Posted by fairywings on January 21, 2006, at 14:49:27

In reply to Re: T said to keep depression as long as I want it, posted by James K on January 21, 2006, at 10:55:47


thank you james, i appreciate your passion and caring. i couldn't identify it, but that's the word, i feel "shamed". and i don't think there's any place for shame or guilt in healing.

fw

 

Re: T said to keep depression as long as I want it

Posted by Declan on January 21, 2006, at 15:06:12

In reply to Re: T said to keep depression as long as I want it » Declan, posted by fairywings on January 21, 2006, at 9:02:40

If he could have just felt bad with you, as in 'here we are feeling bad together'.

There are choices involved, but I don't think it's those sort of choices. I have no idea what these choices are, but a good T can maybe bring it out and illuminate them in a surprising way.

The language of empowerment and choice can justify hardheartedness. I dunno though, if the opposite would do any good (Throw your hands in the air and give up).

Declan

 

Re: T said to keep depression as long as I want it » fairywings

Posted by Poet on January 21, 2006, at 17:28:46

In reply to T said to keep depression as long as I want it, posted by fairywings on January 21, 2006, at 3:18:59

Hi Fairywings,

*Fake it till you make it?* Why didn't he just sing Put on a Happyface and do a little dance? That should cheer you right up.

Plehhhhhhhhhh. That's me sticking my tongue out at him.

I don't think you were being a royal pain in the *ss. He, obviously, has some personal issues, and it sounds to me like he wanted you to feel guilty that you are taking up his time about being depressed.

Plehhhhhhhhhhhhh to your therapist and I'm thumbing my ears, too.

Do you think you can tell him that he seems negative and insensitive and how it's making you feel? You have good reason to feel beat up on and he needs to know about it. I can understand wanting to cut him some slack, I'd feel the same way about my T, but it's you that sees him for help, not the other way around. Cutting him slack just isn't right as it's making you feel worse. I hope you can talk to him. Or write it and hand it to him. Email it to him. Somehow let him know that you really hurt me! I don't need this.

(((((((((((((Fairywings)))))))))))))

Poet

 

Re: T said to keep depression as long as I want it » Declan

Posted by fairywings on January 21, 2006, at 21:18:48

In reply to Re: T said to keep depression as long as I want it, posted by Declan on January 21, 2006, at 15:06:12

Hi Declan,

I don't think he would ever sit there and feel bad with me. It feels like he's frustrated with me. I said I felt selfish, and he said "you're right, being depressed is selfish", but he did say it was okay to be selfish, but I'm not "trying" to be selfish.

He says I need to do things like watch funny movies, not isolate, be with my husband. But I"m so exhausted and I get so anxious when I try to go out. Two nights ago I got in a panic and felt like I was going to lose it. That doesn't happen to me very often, so it was really scary.

I don't know. I'm just at a loss. I don't know what to think, or what to do. I'm not good at looking at these things. thanks for being there for me.

fw

 

Re: T said to keep depression as long as I want it » fairywings

Posted by Dinah on January 21, 2006, at 21:31:54

In reply to Re: T said to keep depression as long as I want it » Dinah, posted by fairywings on January 21, 2006, at 9:36:00

> He's also dealing with big family stuff as well as really bad stuff at the office. Everyone knows about the office stuff bec. it affects everything. It's not something we shouldn't know. I know all of it has to be incredibly stressful.

I'm there now, so I certainly understand. It's hard to be clear on the boundaries (on my part) and not try to take care of him. But we wouldn't really be doing them a favor by letting them do bad therapy because of it, or by altering our reactions because of it. Cutting them a bit of slack for errors, yes. Not confronting them on how what they do makes us feel, or trying to be a "good client", no.

> I'm not sure I understand what you mean by going through all of his interventions and not sticking to them. Maybe that's why I've felt like he's all over the place telling me Jan. is a big time for depression, to maybe it's biological, to mostly just telling me to make a choice, put on a happy face, and b4 I know it I'll feel better.

What I mean is taken by themselves each are tried and true CBT statements and techniques. But they don't taken together form a coherent statement. They're even sort of opposites, or mixed messages. So it feels *to me* like instead of trying a technique and spending time with it, he's throwing a bunch of them at you at once.

I'm not a huge fan of many of these CBT techniques, although they work well with some clients (obviously). My response tends to be sarcastic and rejecting. ("Oh thanks. I hadn't realized that. I'm all better now.") But I know that for other clients it might be an effective intervention.

Walking away is one option. Telling him how you feel and what conclusions you're forming is another.

You know that some of what you're thinking is truth, but some of it might be stuff you're building on to what you know for sure. You know he's stressed. You might be adding that you're a burden to him. You know that he's trying CBT with you. You might be adding that he's sick of you. He does *sound* burned out. But this might or might not be about being burned out.

The only question is whether it's worth a session or two to try to figure it out. I guess that depends on a lot of things.

 

Clarification

Posted by Dinah on January 21, 2006, at 22:02:10

In reply to Re: T said to keep depression as long as I want it » fairywings, posted by Dinah on January 21, 2006, at 21:31:54


> What I mean is taken by themselves each are tried and true CBT statements and techniques. But they don't taken together form a coherent statement. They're even sort of opposites, or mixed messages. So it feels *to me* like instead of trying a technique and spending time with it, he's throwing a bunch of them at you at once.

I highlighted the *to me* because all I have to go on is my impressions from what you wrote. That may not have been what happened at all. And if you feel like that wasn't what was happening, then I just misread.

 

Re: T said to keep depression as long as I want it

Posted by fairywings on January 21, 2006, at 22:06:11

In reply to Re: T said to keep depression as long as I want it » fairywings, posted by Poet on January 21, 2006, at 17:28:46

Oh Poet, you are so funny. That brought a smile to my heart. Honestly though, that's what he's saying to me - just smile, do fun things, do things that push the envelope, and it will all feel better. I've been trying to do that, but today it actually made me feel worse bec. I kept thinking I was being fake. I do try very hard not to act this way in front of anyone. Who wants to put up with this crap? He's the only one I felt like it was okay to be this way with bec. I thought he was supposed to understand.

I"m really afraid to go back. I think I'd rather quit than face him after all of this. That's my answer to conflict. This was the 2nd appt. where I felt so depressed, and I think bec. of what he's said, I'm too embarrassed to go back. I feel ashamed of how I feel, and you know when they ask what you want to talk about, I was a complete blank.

I wrote him a note today and told him that I was just trying to tell him how I felt; that it's very embarrassing for me to admit I feel depressed, and that some of the things he said were hurtful and some not helpful. It was a very short note. I took it to his office bec. I didn't want anyone else to read it if he doesn't open his own mail. How freaking embarrassing, I'd feel like a loser if I went back.

thanks Poet.
fw


 

Re: T said to keep depression as long as I want it » fairywings

Posted by Declan on January 21, 2006, at 22:06:20

In reply to Re: T said to keep depression as long as I want it » Declan, posted by fairywings on January 21, 2006, at 21:18:48

Well, my T used to sit with me and sometimes *she'd* cry, mostly of course not, but sometimes what I said just got to her. Far be it from me etc, and it's my character, but I just think he's wrong. I think you need to feel as bad as you want for as long as you need. But that's what he said?? Well, I dunno. He's saying it's a choice that it's cool for you to make (almost). There are probably choices you make that contribute to your depression, but I seriously doubt you have chosen to be depressed. If a T has stopped empathising then what's the point? Even if you misguidedly cause it all, the suffering is real. You can tell yourself to snap out of it.
Declan

 

Re: T said to keep depression as long as I want it » fairywings

Posted by Dinah on January 21, 2006, at 22:12:03

In reply to Re: T said to keep depression as long as I want it, posted by fairywings on January 21, 2006, at 22:06:11

I think it was very brave of you to write the note.

But I can't see anything you need to be embarassed about.

 

Re: T said to keep depression as long as I want it » Dinah

Posted by fairywings on January 21, 2006, at 23:13:57

In reply to Re: T said to keep depression as long as I want it » fairywings, posted by Dinah on January 21, 2006, at 21:31:54

Thanks Dinah,

I put this at the beginning bec. I wonder if this is key, maybe not.

>>If it's not about being burned out, wouldn't it then be about frustration, or anger or something?

His "story" is eerily identical to mine and I've wondered whether it affects the way he treats me or the way he feels about me/my issues - Abusive fathers, same # of siblings, he was the oldest, I was the youngest, two abused kids/two not abused kids (we were both abused), tormented mother - except his got anxious, mine got bitter. After he heard my story, he shared with me enough of his that it made me wonder if it was too close and he can't deal effectively with me bec. of it. I've also wondered whether he projects onto me bec. he's said he can't stand to listen to his mother talk about her anxiety (which I didn't think was helpful for him to tell me), he said he leaves when she starts. Of course anxiety is one of my biggest problems. He hears it from me all the time. Was he really trying to tell me he can't stand to listen to me talk about my anxiety? My father died a few years ago, but his father had been ill ever since I started with him, and he just died. He went back and forth on the way he approached my feelings about my father. It was incredibly frustrating for me. Now we just don't talk about it.
*****

I have been feeling like I have be a better client bec. I feel guilty not feeling the way I'm "supposed" to feel. Maybe by next week I'll feel better; maybe I can go and tell him that I feel like I can't be honest bec. he's telling me to just fake it until I feel happier. So I feel like I have to be that happier person when I'm in my appts. even if I don't feel happy.

You know I didn't put my finger on it b4 you said this, but he's been all over the place at several appts, not been consistent in what he says to me. Or, he's one way at one appt. and then pulls a total 180 at the next appt. It's confusing and frankly it can be really hurtful. If I go back maybe I'll write out all the mixed messages from the past two appts. I keep almost verbatim notes, so I can think about what he's said to me.

He has said he's not CBT, so when he's done the CBT thing with me it's frustrating. I feel like it's a band-aid solution; like it trivializes the problem, or masks whatever it is that's eating me. I did CBT years ago after a car accident, and it didn't address some big issues. Now I feel like it's compounded other problems I have now, esp. with anxiety. (I was hit by an 18-wheeler, and sometimes have panic attacks on the highway, esp when it's really heavy traffic.)

>> My response tends to be sarcastic and rejecting. ("Oh thanks. I hadn't realized that. I'm all better now.")

**LOL, that's too funny dinah. I've felt that way, but never articulated it. There were times with my ex T where he pissed me off so badly it spurred me into action despite him, but it didn't change the underlying feelings. I don't feel motivated by any of this current stuff, I just feel depleted.

> Walking away is one option. Telling him how you feel and what conclusions you're forming is another.

I know the better way is to face it, but I'm just embarrassed and humiliated, and I don't know if I can do it. I usually run and avoid.

>
> You know that some of what you're thinking is truth, but some of it might be stuff you're building on to what you know for sure. You know he's stressed. You might be adding that you're a burden to him.

**Yep, that's what I've concluded, a burden and a pain in the *ss.

> The only question is whether it's worth a session or two to try to figure it out. I guess that depends on a lot of things.

**You're right, I guess the determining factor for me this week will be whether I'm brave enough to face him or not.

thanks dinah, you make things so much more clear, and get me to think about things I hadn't considered.
fw

 

Re: T said to keep depression as long as I want it

Posted by fairywings on January 21, 2006, at 23:33:33

In reply to Re: T said to keep depression as long as I want it » fairywings, posted by Declan on January 21, 2006, at 22:06:20

> I think you need to feel as bad as you want for as long as you need. But that's what he said??

***Yes, that's what he said, but it wasn't in a supportive way, like it's okay to feel however you feel. It was in a frustrated way, like it's your choice if you want to waste your life being depressed, keep your depression as long as you want. Maybe after you've wallowed in it you'll choose to be empowered and give it up. I had post partum depression after our last son was born, this has felt darker and deeper than that, and that felt like it would never end. I know, looking back, that I didn't choose to feel depressed, and I don't remember why or how long it took to lift.

>>There are probably choices you make that contribute to your depression, but I seriously doubt you have chosen to be depressed.

** This is true, I have a lot of negative thoughts and I get paralyzed. I know it's self defeating.

I get up every day and tell myself to look for the good, see the beauty, stay in the moment, but I find what I feel inside is empty and aching, dark and often hopeless. I try to pull myself out, but it keeps coming back. Thank goodness for Ambien.


>>If a T has stopped empathising then what's the point? Even if you misguidedly cause it all, the suffering is real. You can tell yourself to snap out of it.

***Thanks declan. I'm feeling a little angry. Maybe enough to put a lot of this in writing, but it won't matter if I don't go back.
I don't want to go back in anger bec. I know it will be a wasted appt. and I'll prob. just feel worse. I don't handle anger well, so I guess the mature thing to do would be to go back and face it, but I'm not very mature. Pretty stupid, huh?

fw


 

Re: T said to keep depression as long as I want it

Posted by daisym on January 22, 2006, at 0:47:51

In reply to Re: T said to keep depression as long as I want it, posted by fairywings on January 21, 2006, at 23:33:33

I've been reading this thread today and trying to figure out why it is pushing my buttons so badly.

I think it is because I'm terrified that my therapist is secretly thinking all these things. But he would never tell me to fake it; in fact his big thing is to let more people know how I'm really feeling. Part of the reason you probably feel the need to isolate is because you have to hid what you are feeling. And isolating makes it worse -- so you get trapped in a vicious circle.

I know that all these things are suppose to help it ease up - exercise, getting out with friends, sleep, etc. But I think therapy has to be the one place where you can let down and feel those feelings. Like you said, he is supposed to understand.

Everything you said about over empathy, burn out, and being inconsistent does make me wonder if he is a good fit for you. I know it is hard to think about changing again but you need help and you aren't getting it. Nice is one thing but you need effective too.

I agree with Dinah, you have nothing to be embarrassed about. You are using therapy the way you are supposed to. I'm glad you wrote the note, I hope he calls you. I think you really would benefit from talking all this over with him so that you can sort out your assumptions from what is real.

His comment about being depressed as long as you need to is interesting to think about. I'm sorry it wasn't offered in a supportive way because I think you might need to allow yourself to recognize how depressed you are and why, before you can really begin to feel better. In talking about feeling suicidal, my therapist has commented that I need to keep some of these ideas as my escape hatch, because right now I feel so trapped. He doesn't think being suicidal is a good thing but he doesn't try to take away some of those ideas either -- he just doesn't want me to act on them. (Obviously)

Do you know what has triggered this depression? Trying to work some of that out might help you with the discussion of how you feel. I think you should consider at least one more session. Otherwise you are going to continue to feel bad about this and you probably don't need to.

 

What do you think about the fit? » daisym

Posted by Pfinstegg on January 22, 2006, at 10:21:31

In reply to Re: T said to keep depression as long as I want it, posted by daisym on January 22, 2006, at 0:47:51

Hi fw.

I feel very sad about some of the things that have happened between you and this therapist. It sounds as though he is not feeling well himself; also the amount of self-disclosure on his part seems far too much. At the same time, he seems to be almost blaming you for your own illness- and to not be able to be anywhere near consistently empathic or attentively listening to you. If all these things have happened, and it's not possible for him to be there emotionally for you- maybe you should think through carefully whether he is right for you. There ARE wonderful therapists out there whom you will know are helpful. Sometimes you know the minute you walk in to their offices. It is awfully hard to look and not find the right one, but sometimes it does take several tries...

 

Re: T said to keep depression as long as I want it » daisym

Posted by fairywings on January 22, 2006, at 10:27:22

In reply to Re: T said to keep depression as long as I want it, posted by daisym on January 22, 2006, at 0:47:51

Hi Daisy,

Okay, I'm confused again. He told me to fake it, but he also told me I need to be around people and talk about how I feel, but then he also said that people would start to isolate from me in order to not be hurt if I started to drain them. I do fake it, so I don't drain people, and I isolate bec. I'm not comfortable right now.

With this depression I don't feel like I can't be honest in therapy. He might understand, and he might be challenging me because he doesn't want me to be stuck, but when he does that I just feel like it's not okay, then guilty. I never thought about changing again, but I guess if I can't be honest, I shouldn't be there. And if he can't do therapy the way he thinks he should then maybe it's not a good fit. I'd hate to switch again. I don't think I could do that.

I can pretty much guarantee he won't call me. I don't think the T's from their office call ppl back unless it's some kind of emerg. My ex T never called even when I left messages. My pdoc does if I'm having a med problem.

I can only compare how I feel right now to post partum depression and the depression I had when my meds were off. It's somewhere in between. I think the depression is a combination of things that have been building, and facing up to some of it. Lack of accomplishment and feeling failure, feeling paralyzed, trapped, guilty, and angry. It's gotten to a hopeless, useless, what's the point, numb place.

thanks daisy,
fw

 

Re: What do you think about the fit? » Pfinstegg

Posted by fairywings on January 22, 2006, at 13:24:05

In reply to What do you think about the fit? » daisym, posted by Pfinstegg on January 22, 2006, at 10:21:31

> Hi fw.
>
> I feel very sad about some of the things that have happened between you and this therapist. It sounds as though he is not feeling well himself; also the amount of self-disclosure on his part seems far too much. At the same time, he seems to be almost blaming you for your own illness- and to not be able to be anywhere near consistently empathic or attentively listening to you. If all these things have happened, and it's not possible for him to be there emotionally for you- maybe you should think through carefully whether he is right for you. There ARE wonderful therapists out there whom you will know are helpful. Sometimes you know the minute you walk in to their offices. It is awfully hard to look and not find the right one, but sometimes it does take several tries...

Thanks pfinstegg,

I was up all last night. I am writing my T a long note and intend to take it to him. I guess what I do will depend on how he receives what I have to say.

I can't do another therapist. Too exhausting, to draining.

fw

 

Re: What do you think about the fit?

Posted by Declan on January 22, 2006, at 16:14:37

In reply to What do you think about the fit? » daisym, posted by Pfinstegg on January 22, 2006, at 10:21:31

Hey FW, is this CBT? In any case I too wondered how you knew so much about your T. In several thousand hours with mine I didn't find out ANYTHING like that, except that which was immediately obvious. All I ever learned about her was her patterns of thought and stuff. But what I did was psychodynamic, so I dunno......
Declan

 

Re: T said to keep depression as long as I want it » fairywings

Posted by Daisym on January 22, 2006, at 17:05:49

In reply to Re: T said to keep depression as long as I want it » daisym, posted by fairywings on January 22, 2006, at 10:27:22

I'm worried about you. Moving from depressed to hopeless is not a good sign. You have to believe that it will get better, somehow, some day. Let's break this down...

Sharing how we "really" feel with people needs to be selective. First we need to choose people who can handle it and we need to choose people who can offer what we need - sympathy, help, humor, whatever. Not everyone can do this. But this is pretty personal stuff so I don't think it is wise to just be all out there with it either. I think the trick is to push yourself to be with people you typically feel better with, and to figure out what you need to do to take care of yourself. And believe me, I HATE that term -- "take care of yourself" because to me that means hide all the hurt and go forward with life. To most people it means stopping and nurturing themselves. I just don't know how to do that. But it seems an important skill to learn.

Family is tricky. If your husband is supportive then I think you can say, "I can't cope with the kids because I'm depressed." If he isn't, I think you have to push yourself and when you can't, you tell him you are ill. Which is true. But kids will be unlikely to understand this, and they will resent your unavailability and limitations. Tough. It is a good lesson for them to be sympathetic to illness and exhaustion.

I think when we are in therapy we want to be honest and authentic with friends and family in the same way we are in therapy. But this truely may be too much for them. So perhaps your therapist was encouraging you to be selective about your honesty and to try to keep your life as normal as possible. There is a lot of evidence that depression responses to exercise and accomplishments as well as not getting stuck in your own black thoughts.

All that said, I still believe that therapy should absolutely be the safe place to let it all out and tell him how incredibly bad you feel. I have said to my therapist, "I just want to feel bad. I don't want to have to make it all better for everyone else. I don't want to cheer up, be hopeful or be productive." He nodded and said, "go ahead. Sounds right to me."

And then of course I say, "I'll be OK, no worries."

Depression sucks.

 

Re: What do you think about the fit? » Declan

Posted by fairywings on January 22, 2006, at 21:49:54

In reply to Re: What do you think about the fit?, posted by Declan on January 22, 2006, at 16:14:37


Hi declan,

no, it's not cbt, but lately it feels more that way. i don't remember what he called it.

he does share a lot, and that has been helpful to me bec. it helps me see how real relationships are supposed to function, and i think that's his goal. if he ever stopped sharing at this point i'd quit bec. i'd take it personally. not bec. i expect him to share vital details, but i think he's shared where he felt he could draw comparisons, and i could learn something.

i think one thing is he wanted me to see, and be hopeful about, is that he had a similar background and he's learned to cope. at least that's what i took away from it.

i like the style, but i'd think it has more drawbacks for him.
fw


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