Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 600331

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I did it, talked about the elephant today (long)

Posted by happyflower on January 18, 2006, at 13:51:36

I was only a little nervous, I had a few other topics to talk about first. But I think he sensed there was a bigger issue I wanted to talk about.
I told him I wanted to talk about something that I know he isn't open to and probably won't understand it or think I was smoking weed or something.
I started off talking about my grandmother and friend who I felt this special connection with and still feel them with me.
Then he started to talk about ADC(after death communications). Well his brother wrote a book about it, and he used EMDR to bring out ADC's in patients having trouble with grief. (He let me borrow his brothers new book to read about it) So he understood the feelings I have with my grandma and my friend. But I still want to know what that connection was while they were alive because I still carry it with me. He talked about what I was feeling was a bond or closeness. Well we talked about this for a while.
Well he kept trying to stay on the topic of death communications, I wanted to talk about what the present feelings meantat the time. We did talk about that , I forgot what he said, but it was nice. He said something about some people who are like us we bond to more easier with. Maybe something about keeping the goodness of that person affecting me after that person dies.

Well I said there was more. LOL ( I had to shut him up, so I could get it all out) LOL I wasn't going to go that far and not finish what I wanted to talk about.
Then I just came out and said that I had the same feeling about him (as my grandma and my friend) I think I caught him off guard, I don't think he knew the conversation was going to go where it did. (he is always thinking ahead of what I might be getting to, I think he was suprised this time.) Well I talked about some of the common interests and coincedences. I knew prior to this he didn't believe in soul mates, so I knew he wouldn't understand this, or be open to this. Well he told me that he accepts this as a compliment that I feel the bondand closeness that I do. I talked about how I at first was thinking I was just experiencing tranference. We talked about that too, there were times, (like when I fired him) that was probably tranference related)But he said he believes that I do like him, and that it isn't tranference, it is "real". He talked about how he has had experience with women who said that they were in love with him. He said the feelings went away right away when the feelings were not returned or it turned into a "hate" thing. He said that happened a long time ago.He didn't think my feelings were tranference, that they were genuine bonding and connection feelings. Then he said he hoped it didn't mean he was going to die soon, because of the same bond I felt was with people who died. But he didn't linger on that one. LOL

He basically said he would enjoy talking with me and socializing with me if he met in other circumstances other than therapy. He said he didn't feel that about all his clients either. He saidhe won't become socially involved with me because he didn't want to undue the results of thearpy. He said he keeps firm boundries. I said that really sucked because I really enjoy talking to him and enjoy his company. Well he said that it sucks for him too but he understand on why we can't be more than what we are. (it is for my own benefit).
I told him that I would respect his boundries but nothing has changed. He said I would never talk him into beliveing that people are meant to meet for a purpose. (He doesn't belive in fate at all). Well I told him I am not so sure.
Then said knowing how I feel also gives him an extra responsiblity of making sure I do not continue with therepy for just the sake of enjoying our conversations. But we talked about how he has helped me and is still helping me. He said he thinks he did a darn good job with me! LOL (yeah, he does have a big head) LOL But he also trusts me that I will end therapy when I feel he no longer is helping me. He said I am very honest with him, when I am mad at him, I let him know it. So he believes I will let him know when we need to stop. He asked me if I think we can still continue to do good work even with my feelings and his boundries. I said well the boundries haven't changed, and my feelings have been with me since the first day of therapy, so nothing has changed.
Well we went way past our time, but it was a a big subject, not just chatting. He told me at the end that I did very good today. I told him that my feelings aren't going to change, they are what they are and maybe someday he will be more open minded about fate. LOL

I guess what I am feeling now is relief that I got it in the open. I don't feel bad or hurt. I kinda expected what he would say and I already knew what he thought about fate. I know where I stand, but it does suck, he even agrees with that. Do I think he still has feeling for me? Yes I do, but he is a very ethical therapist (I knew this already) and when it comes down to it, he is doing the right thing.
Even though I won't be able to socialize with him, I still will see him from time to time at the gym after therapy. Do I believe fate brought us together? I kinda still do, he is just too close minded about it! LOL My next session is in 2 weeks, I wonder if it will feel different. I feel very good today with myself.

 

Re: I did it, talked about the elephant today (long)

Posted by milly on January 18, 2006, at 14:32:24

In reply to I did it, talked about the elephant today (long), posted by happyflower on January 18, 2006, at 13:51:36

Wow you did so great, I'm so impressed.
I tried to have a similar conversation with my T but couldn't verbalise it (again!!) instead we played a ridiculous game of 'I think it and he's supposed to guess and when he gets it right I get cross!!!' Well he knew all along (he brought the subject up)and finally the word love entered the room instead of just hanging in the air. Well I nearly died! which is why it was so confusing to hear him say 'like' yesterday (see previous post)because it had cost blood, sweat & tears to get the word into the room in the first place.
Well done
milly

 

Re: I did it, talked about the elephant today » happyflower

Posted by pegasus on January 18, 2006, at 14:39:31

In reply to I did it, talked about the elephant today (long), posted by happyflower on January 18, 2006, at 13:51:36

Wow, cool, that sounds like a great conversation. Good for you for bringing it up. I'm sure it will help in the work that you do with him in the future.

I was wondering about the fate thing . . . I'm not sure where I stand on the idea of fate, but if I assume that you two were brought together by fate, I start wondering whether it might not have been so that you could do good therapy together. Maybe the fateful purpose that brought you together is the excellent therapy work that you are doing. Which is a pretty good thing, right?

I'm not explaining myself well. What I mean is that it sounds like a glass half empty/full issue. You're saying it sucks that you can't have a social relationship with him. But maybe the flip side is that it's wonderful that you are having a good relationship that you enjoy, whatever kind it is. And if therapy brought you together, then maybe without it you wouldn't even have met.

Just a thought that may or may not be helpful. I know it doesn't make the empty half of the glass any more full. ;)

peg

 

Re: I did it, talked about the elephant today (long) » milly

Posted by happyflower on January 18, 2006, at 14:57:05

In reply to Re: I did it, talked about the elephant today (long), posted by milly on January 18, 2006, at 14:32:24

Thanks Milly,
It sounds like you have a very perceptive T, I am sure it is annoying! LOL How long have you been in therapy? It took me over a year to get up the nerve to tell him.
Thanks again,
Happyflower

 

Re: I did it, talked about the elephant today (long) » happyflower

Posted by LadyBug on January 18, 2006, at 15:01:00

In reply to I did it, talked about the elephant today (long), posted by happyflower on January 18, 2006, at 13:51:36

This is good HappyFlower!!!
I'm glad you could take it in like you did and not feel rejected. I think you did a wonderful job of understanding what he was telling you. Don't you admire him more for being strick with his boundaries? He has to be good in order to deal with a patient's strong feelings towards him.
Another way I see "fate" is; I feel "blessed" to have been refered to my T. We have such a strong connection I often wonder if someone up stairs was and is watching over me knowing what I need in my life to help me cope with all the crap I've had to deal with. (Especailly in my marriage!!!!!...)
My T. has helped me stay balanced when I couldn't do it on my own. She's been awesome. I've had many times that I would love to see her outside of therapy and she always tells me it wouldn't be the same. I know it wouldn't.
In a way, the therapist/patient relationship is better than any other relationship. And sometimes it's more painful because it's so intense.
I bet you feel relieved that you were able to bring this up today. It will be ongoing for you both but I think it will be positive. You will learn and grow in ways that will help you. I know the feelings you have even though I see a female T. I still feel the bond and often ask or if she is just awesome at her work. If I ask her, she will tell me that she doesn't do this level of work with other patients, meaning we are really close and we've been working together for 9 years. I think I'll be going to her till she retires. I like what your T. had to say about seeing him just to be able to talk to him and if he's done helping you will you stop therapy with him. That's good.
I've sometimes thought I can't quit I like her too much, but I haven't accomplished all that I want to but I've come a LONG way!!!
I think I'll be working on myself for a long time to come and who knows how long that will take???
I'm happy for ya!
Keep us posted for what happens next. I can't wait to see my T. tomorrow, I haven't seen her for 2 weeks because of an unplanned surgery my hubby had to have last week. I did't want to put her above him so I cancelled.
LadyBug

 

Re: I did it, talked about the elephant today » pegasus

Posted by happyflower on January 18, 2006, at 15:06:58

In reply to Re: I did it, talked about the elephant today » happyflower, posted by pegasus on January 18, 2006, at 14:39:31

Hi pegasus!
I haven't seen you posting in a long time! :)
I am not sure when I stand either on fate. I don't know exactly what "why " we were brought together. It could be because he was the one who was going to help me make my life much better through therapy. I really don't know.
I am very happy for meeting him and I guess I will always have a special place in my heart and a bond when it comes to him. He can't take that away from me, it will always be there like I believe just like my grandma and my friend.
I feel like the glass is still full, even though we can't have a social relationship. I guess if we were to have more than that, it would be over flowing. LOL :) Thanks peg!

 

Re: I did it, talked about the elephant today (long) » LadyBug

Posted by happyflower on January 18, 2006, at 15:19:10

In reply to Re: I did it, talked about the elephant today (long) » happyflower, posted by LadyBug on January 18, 2006, at 15:01:00

Hi Ladybug,
I am surprised that I don't feel rejected, maybe it was the nice way he handled it. I kind of expected what he would say so it wasn't a surprise.

But I did tell him I thought it sucked that we can't have a social relationship. So I am respecting his boundries, but I also let him know that I don't like it much! LOL

Your T sounds awesome, you have built a long relationship with her, that is great. She sounds like she has helped you a lot in your life.

Therapy isn't over for me yet, it has been just over a year last week, and I have more to work on. I am glad I have a good therapist to help me.

 

Re: I did it, talked about the elephant today (long) » happyflower

Posted by milly on January 18, 2006, at 15:37:09

In reply to Re: I did it, talked about the elephant today (long) » milly, posted by happyflower on January 18, 2006, at 14:57:05

I have only been in therapy since Sept 05 but I think it was pretty obvious from very early on and also obvious that I didn't know what to do with these intense feelings. I didn't actually recognise them because if it was 'love'I had assummed that had been in my experrience before but this was like 'something else' I was very scared because I thought that if I said it he would ask me to leave!! (very new to this, and didn't really know how it worked) and I would suffer this huge rejection/humiliation. It was such a relief that neither of those things happened, he was just very gentle without compounding the situation.
Unfortunatly because I'm in the UK and this is not private therapy but through the NHS it was initially for 6 months and he brought that up this week and I just howled because my heart will break if it doesn't get extended.
milly

 

Weird stuff

Posted by happyflower on January 18, 2006, at 17:47:41

In reply to Re: I did it, talked about the elephant today (long) » happyflower, posted by milly on January 18, 2006, at 15:37:09

I plan on keeping his boundries and respecting them and not challenging them. But I think I am going to challenge his thinking about fate.

Just today from what he told me.

Well today is his b-day and they used to have the superbowl on his b-day years ago, well this year the superbowl is on my B-day, 2/5/06. (well I learned in my second session with him, that my b-day is also is oldest sisters b-day.
Well I didn't know it was his b-day today, I just started talking about how my B-day is going to stink because my DH will just want to watch the game and not do anything else. Well then he told me about his bad birthday in the past. And how weird is it, that I see him on his birthday? I wouldn't of even of known, if I didn't bring up the thing about my b-day, and then he shared his story.

My DH's old friend is in the hospital on his death bead, well this friends brother passed away about 5 years ago, attended the school that my T works at. There is a big scholarship fund in his name. My knows this brother whom I was urged to get fixed up with when I was single.

Okay, this all can be just coincedenses, but this is just from one session. I have tons of these weird things in common with him, or coincedences.
I don't think he realizes, so I am thinking about making a list of everything I have noticed. It is all based on the stuff he has disclosed to me, I am sure there are a lot more too, after all I only met him a year ago.
I don't know what this means, but it is sure weird. Don't you all think? Or do you want me to list more stuff? LOL


 

Re: Weird stuff » happyflower

Posted by Dinah on January 18, 2006, at 17:54:24

In reply to Weird stuff, posted by happyflower on January 18, 2006, at 17:47:41

Part of synchronicity is that you *notice* the things that are synchronous more than the things that aren't.

My husband's birthday has been known to fall on the Superbowl. :)

 

I am in open tonight! Come chat with me! :) (nm)

Posted by happyflower on January 18, 2006, at 18:22:15

In reply to Re: Weird stuff » happyflower, posted by Dinah on January 18, 2006, at 17:54:24

 

Re: I did it, talked about the elephant today (long) » happyflower

Posted by fallsfall on January 18, 2006, at 20:35:07

In reply to I did it, talked about the elephant today (long), posted by happyflower on January 18, 2006, at 13:51:36

Wow! What a great job you did. I'm glad he handled it well. I think that you will find that the relationship deepens after this conversation.

You should be very proud of yourself!

 

Re: I did it, talked about the elephant today (long) » fallsfall

Posted by happyflower on January 18, 2006, at 20:50:27

In reply to Re: I did it, talked about the elephant today (long) » happyflower, posted by fallsfall on January 18, 2006, at 20:35:07

> Wow! What a great job you did. I'm glad he handled it well. I think that you will find that the relationship deepens after this conversation.
>
> You should be very proud of yourself!

Thanks falls,
Don't you think he will pull back from me or tighten the boundries even more? That is what I am kinda of expecting to happen. I didn't think it would deepen, why do you think that? I mean, I really don't know what will happen, so I could be way off base here. I can't imagine us getting any closer at least on my end of it, unless we did some major boundry crossing! LOL Just kidding. Are you speaking from your experience? I guess I will know in a couple of weeks. I just hope he doesn't change on how nice he is with me.

 

Re: I did it, talked about the elephant today (long) » happyflower

Posted by fallsfall on January 18, 2006, at 21:00:30

In reply to Re: I did it, talked about the elephant today (long) » fallsfall, posted by happyflower on January 18, 2006, at 20:50:27

I find that when I bring up a difficult topic and we talk about it that I feel closer to him. Maybe more trusting (after all, I brought up this big scary topic and he handled it so well, maybe that helps me trust that he will be able to handle other things). I guess it feels like relaxing into the relationship (the way you relax into a stretch).

It is a really nice feeling.

 

Re: I did it, talked about the elephant today (long) » fallsfall

Posted by happyflower on January 18, 2006, at 21:10:05

In reply to Re: I did it, talked about the elephant today (long) » happyflower, posted by fallsfall on January 18, 2006, at 21:00:30

Well I hope that I ease into it more, but normally when I disclose something, and start to feel closer, I tend to run away it. Trust and closeness still scares me. He knows this too, we have talked a little about this cycle of mine. LOL I just hope he stays the same, and treats me the same.

 

Re: I did it, talked about the elephant today (long)

Posted by tryingtobewise on January 18, 2006, at 21:41:24

In reply to I did it, talked about the elephant today (long), posted by happyflower on January 18, 2006, at 13:51:36

Happy Flower...you totally rocked today! Great job talking about a difficult subject!

:) Kim

 

Synchronicity

Posted by Dinah on January 18, 2006, at 22:11:49

In reply to Re: Weird stuff » happyflower, posted by Dinah on January 18, 2006, at 17:54:24

I was thinking about it and smiling.

I used to live on the corner of two streets. And *both* street names ended up having a connection to two very major parts of my life, though neither street name had any significance when we moved there when I was little.

Sometimes I think that this meant that I was fated to have these things in my life. But other times I laugh, thinking of the possibilities of things that could be in my life with my current street's name.

 

Re: Synchronicity » Dinah

Posted by happyflower on January 19, 2006, at 4:12:02

In reply to Synchronicity, posted by Dinah on January 18, 2006, at 22:11:49

Hey, Dinah! You just crack me up! Well I looked up synchronicity on google and found out it was "discovered" by Carl Jung. (which is someone my DH reads a lot about) How's that for sych? lol

 

Re: I did it, talked about the elephant today (long) » happyflower

Posted by Tabitha on January 19, 2006, at 10:54:43

In reply to I did it, talked about the elephant today (long), posted by happyflower on January 18, 2006, at 13:51:36

Wow! I'm so proud of you, happyflower. And it sounds like your T handled his end of the conversation with a lot of grace and professionalism. It must've felt good to hear him admit that he does like you in a social way, both because you want him to like you, and because it confirms your impression that there was some feeling on his side as well. I hope you'll feel even more comfortable with him now, after talking about the elephant.

 

Re: Synchronicity » happyflower

Posted by daisym on January 19, 2006, at 12:08:52

In reply to Re: Synchronicity » Dinah, posted by happyflower on January 19, 2006, at 4:12:02

I like the idea that you were meant to meet in order to move to a more peaceful part of your life. Think about all the choices you had about who to work with and when to start therapy.

Good for you for being so brave. I agree with Falls that these kinds of conversation typically lead to a deepening of the relationship. You took a risk and it turned out OK. So now you can risk something else too. I think there are so many parts of your feelings to still be explored. Wanting a social relationship is one thing, but feeling that connection you talk about sounds like even more than that. It is good that his boundaries are strong enough to let you think and talk about it without worry.

I was thinking about what you said about your husband. Sometimes when we are closed off they feel pushed away. And they don't know how to reach us, so they close themselves off too. Sadly the rift widens and there are few bridges left to use, for either one of you. I'm glad you were able to reach across and connect. It sounds like he needs you right now. This might be the opening you need to talk about what is happening. Good luck.

 

Re: I did it, talked about the elephant today (long) » Tabitha

Posted by happyflower on January 21, 2006, at 8:28:19

In reply to Re: I did it, talked about the elephant today (long) » happyflower, posted by Tabitha on January 19, 2006, at 10:54:43

Thanks, I feel sort of bitter sweet about the whole thing. I am kinda of regreting saying anything at all. It doesn't change anything, so why did I need to put myself through the torture of telling him?
To me it hurts even more that I know he likes me but yet can't have a relationship with me becaue he is my T . I think I would feel better if I knew he didn't like me. I really don't think there is anything I would find out about him from a personal relationship that would change how I feel about him or undo the work we have done. If anything cutting me off, does more harm I think.

 

Re: Synchronicity » daisym

Posted by happyflower on January 21, 2006, at 8:46:37

In reply to Re: Synchronicity » happyflower, posted by daisym on January 19, 2006, at 12:08:52

Hey Daisy, it is always nice to hear from you. I have thought about the fate thing in having to do with me finding him because I needed him for therapy. I just wish he was more open to the fate thing so I could talk about it. He just doesn't want to go there, and it makes it hard to discuss what I am feeling. He said there is nothing I can say that will make him believe in fate. It almost feels like he will feel too vunerable if I start talking about and that is why he is avoiding the issue. I am not sure about fate either, but I am not closing my mind to it. He even started to downplay some of the coincedenes I mentioned. But it is also kinda ironic that he did this even after he said his birthday has also been on the superbowl and then the fact that my session was on his birthday, and I didn't know that. Well what the heck? I think he is in denial, maybe it isn't fate, but there are some weird coincedenses between us.

For instance, before I even knew he was into gardening, he asked me a question on day abou this blueberry bush he has (I was taking master gardening classes at the time). Well I could answer his question and I did. But was funny was an hour before my appointment that day, I was in my freezer and my kids left open a gallon sized ziploc bag of frozen blueberries. Well I went to pull out some hamburger and the bag of blueberries shifted and frozen blueberries fell out of the bag on the the floor right before my appointment. Did I know he had blueberry bushes? NO? Did I know he was going to ask me about them that day? No? Okay, maybe it is nothing, but I have tons of stories like this with him. It is weird.
I am a realist, I am a scientist, I believe in what can be proved. But this is something that I can't explain with fact, it is a feeling. How can I talk about this when my T is so closed minded about it? Is is because I am feeling it for him? If it was a feeling for someone else would he be more willing to talk about it? I just don't know.


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