Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 563562

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Re: i have been thinking...

Posted by alexandra_k on October 24, 2005, at 20:49:25

In reply to Re: i have been thinking..., posted by alexandra_k on October 20, 2005, at 19:55:09

well...
so that registrar did pass me on to the other doc. and yeah, i got a letter saying he had recomended that i be discharged. and so... i had a chat to the other doc. and yeah. they have discharged me. apparantly... get this. but apparantly i function too well to be treated within the service. they are haggling over whether DID counts as a 'major axis one dx' (they don't think it does) they are even willing to quibble over whether the disorder is 'real' (seems that 'officially' they think not at this point in time) and they think it is a grand joke that i was dx'd with bpd.

unbelievable.

yeah ok so i got all sh*tty and lost it a bit. went off about how what are they trying to do? do they need me to go off the deep end and mess myself up or what? part of me... is getting pretty strong urges round about now. he said that i function too well... and that based on my functioning i should never have received the treatment that i have thus far within the service either.

so that is that.

i am so f*cking mad. and sad. i swear to god that if i ever seriously am going to do anything to myself i am not going down alone. no f*cking way. i can't believe this...

he said that yeah i report subjective distress, but me and how many others? subjective distress is not appropriate criteria to determine whether or not someone receives intervention from within the service.

i haven't been in contact with the service for most of this year. haven't really been getting any treatment for a while now.

and now... they are using that as evidence for my high functioning without service intervention.

and so yeah i started making threats.
i hate myself so much.
but if its any consolation
i hate them more.

i am so f*cking mad...

 

Re: i have been thinking...

Posted by alexandra_k on October 24, 2005, at 20:50:08

In reply to Re: i have been thinking..., posted by alexandra_k on October 24, 2005, at 20:49:25

and money money money makes the world go around
and i feel sick to my stomach
and i want to get off

 

Re: i have been thinking... » alexandra_k

Posted by Dinah on October 24, 2005, at 21:21:22

In reply to Re: i have been thinking..., posted by alexandra_k on October 24, 2005, at 20:49:25

I'm mad for you too. I can't believe what they've been doing to you for the entire time you've been here.

I can see why you don't want to be part of this world, but you are so valuable and special a person, Alexandra. Yours isn't the only care provider in the world. Weren't you even planning to move on soon? Hopefully you'll be able to find more compassion and integrity elsewhere. You have so much to offer, Alexandra. Keep remembering that, and think of these people as what they are. It has nothing to do with who you are or how much you deserve. Because you deserve the best.

I'm rambling I know. But I'm rambling with a lot of caring and concern for you. Remember all those who do care about you.

 

Re: i have been thinking... » Dinah

Posted by alexandra_k on October 24, 2005, at 23:40:34

In reply to Re: i have been thinking... » alexandra_k, posted by Dinah on October 24, 2005, at 21:21:22

yeah planning on moving on. i only put off moving on for so long because i wanted to get better before i went. i could have started applying to get out of here since the end of 2003 but i've been waiting for treatment...

fact is i'm not going to get any.

i won't have any coverage at all if i leave the country. us offered student health insurance. not so for australia. they treat for emergency and deport for non-emergency (if you can't fund it yourself). i won't even be going to a gp over there.

so that is that.

and even if there is a bloody miracle and i manage to get through 3-4 years of study without a single episode...

well then based on the stats i still probably won't actually get a job.

i wish i could have stuck to the revelation
it was so much easier to live with myself then
but one contact
one simple contact
and i spiral down out of control
once more.

that was horrible.
i think...
they really decided to bring out the calvary with respect to justifying their treatment decision.

i got the whole 'it would be unethical of me to treat you as much as i'd like to' f*cking b*llshit. because i... take time off people who need the service to function. major guilts. i felt like a three year old packing a tantrum because nobody would buy her a sweet.

and with respect to the bpd... he laughed. he really really laughed. he said there was no way i met criteria. and did i really believe that? and i said that sometimes when people start making assumptions and judgements about how you are as a person then you come to see yourself that way too. and he just laughed.

that messed me up so bad.
they told me i'd never be able to go back to varsity because of that.
they laughed at me when i said i wanted to - because of that.

and now he laughs.

i'm not doing so well.
part of me is just screaming out to do one hell of an 'I F*CKING TOLD YOU SO AND YOU DIDN'T BELIEVE ME AND NOW I'VE SHOWN YOU'. Everybody. Somebody.

Because... Chances are... That I really can't do it by myself anyway...

Kid throwing a tantrum...
or something...

 

Re: i have been thinking...

Posted by alexandra_k on October 24, 2005, at 23:50:14

In reply to Re: i have been thinking... » Dinah, posted by alexandra_k on October 24, 2005, at 23:40:34

and that old p-doc...
is in the sh*t for having seen me when i was 'functioning too highly'
and the specialist assessment isn't worth sh*t
for the obvious reason that she is in private practice
private practice where everybody who wants treatment gets treatment
not the public service where they'll only want to treat you if you fight that tooth and nail.

they used to talk about bpd as being on the borderline. the borderline between psychotic and neurotic (technically). unofficially... the borderline between sane and crazy.

and thats me
thats where i'm at
and it is like fighting to stay sane
fighting to stay sane
till it gets you in the end...
and sometimes i just feel so tired
and like...
there isn't any hope
because if you do what you have always done
you get what you have always got
and i don't understand how i am supposed to do this myself
i don't understand how i am supposed to fix myself
i don't understand
and all i know is that they don't care
they don't care
they just want me to go away
they have been trying for so long...
and i knew they were doing that
but then sometimes i'd question myself
think it can't be that bad
think i was being paranoid
think that i was being unfair to them
think that i was being selfish
but i was right
they just want me to go away
they have been trying for so long
and my inability to accept that...

it is like a three year old throwing a tantrum
and so i let them take what little self-respect i have
and i degrade myself by begging and pleading and anything anything

and this has to stop
i know it has to stop
and its over now
because i'm discharged
and that is that.

 

Re: i have been thinking...

Posted by alexandra_k on October 24, 2005, at 23:53:48

In reply to Re: i have been thinking..., posted by alexandra_k on October 24, 2005, at 23:50:14

and it doesn't matter anyway because it is only 'subjective distress' which isn't worth sh*t. and even if i did do something that will just come back on me anyway. i know enough about their excuses and rationales and justifications to know that none of that is worth a damn except insofar as it justifies the bit they are determined not to budge on: no treatment.

and maybe... the service did make me worse
and now they've called that bluff...
they figure its just wiser to let me die...
or something...
because i'm just this big f*ck up
this big f*ck up that shows them how much harm they can do
how not everybody gets better with medication
how there is too much need in the world
and how you can only turn your back
about how that...
can be the ethical thing to do
apparantly.

i need to think

 

Re: i have been thinking... » alexandra_k

Posted by rainbowbrite on October 25, 2005, at 0:08:21

In reply to Re: i have been thinking..., posted by alexandra_k on October 24, 2005, at 23:53:48

Reading this made me so angry.
I just cant believe what they have put you through. is there absolutely no way that you could get some sort of funding in Australia? You are not a f*ck up by any means Alex, you have done a lot especially considering what you have been through!

frustrated....

 

((((Alex))))

Posted by muffled on October 25, 2005, at 0:26:41

In reply to Re: i have been thinking..., posted by alexandra_k on October 24, 2005, at 23:53:48

People keep telling me I'm not a f*ckup. Hmmmm. You sure seem to think of alot of cool stuff. I love the way you write. I wish I had an answer for you. Mebbe you just need a break for awhile and see how it goes? Your most definately a special individual, whether you choose to beleive it or not. I'm so sorry things are so hard for you. Never give up hope. If you do, THEY win, and we can't have that. This is proly stupid. I just care is all.
Muffled.

 

Re: i have been thinking... » alexandra_k

Posted by Damos on October 25, 2005, at 0:50:27

In reply to Re: i have been thinking..., posted by alexandra_k on October 24, 2005, at 23:53:48

If I wasn't reading this with my own eyes I wouldn't believe it. MAD! Mad don't come even close.

Can't begin to imagine how you're feeling right now. You are and mean so much to so many of us here. You have given more care, more help and shown more sensitivity to people here than their system have ever shown you. You do so much good, and all the while you've gone on and achieved so much in your own right in your own life. So much that they said you couldn't.

There is a thing in Oz called Overseas Student Health Cover, and as I've said before you just get here and we'll work the rest out.

Don't you believe what they say cause they don't know YOU. Just please take care of you.

((((((((((Alex))))))))))

 

Re: i have been thinking... » rainbowbrite

Posted by alexandra_k on October 25, 2005, at 3:48:29

In reply to Re: i have been thinking... » alexandra_k, posted by rainbowbrite on October 25, 2005, at 0:08:21

>is there absolutely no way that you could get some sort of funding in Australia?

physical health will be problematic enough. mental health will be out of the question.

sorry.
not sure what else to say...

 

Re: ((((Alex)))) » muffled

Posted by alexandra_k on October 25, 2005, at 3:49:45

In reply to ((((Alex)))), posted by muffled on October 25, 2005, at 0:26:41

hey. thanks. can't really have a break... have one month to finish my thesis. then i can have a bit of a break. although... i should get a job. so that will be the next stress.

still... stuff to keep me going i suppose...

 

Re: i have been thinking... » Damos

Posted by alexandra_k on October 25, 2005, at 3:51:28

In reply to Re: i have been thinking... » alexandra_k, posted by Damos on October 25, 2005, at 0:50:27

hey.

> There is a thing in Oz called Overseas Student Health Cover...

medical only
no pre-existing conditions

i'm sorry damos.
its that time of the month again...
maybe that explains it.

and on that note...

i wonder how gg is doing.

 

Re: i have been thinking...

Posted by alexandra_k on October 25, 2005, at 3:59:20

In reply to Re: i have been thinking... » Damos, posted by alexandra_k on October 25, 2005, at 3:51:28

the guilts... that is the worst thing.
thats what i meant about the calvary having arrived... i think they figured that i wasn't going to go down without a bit of a fight. easy enough to get someone armed with the well thought out thats what our lawyers are going to be saying in court should it come to that rationale. easy enough to arm someone with that and make sure they get me where it hurts. easy enough to run rings around me to exploit my sensitivities to turn it all around on me.

because i was upset.

and he knew that. he knew i was going to be. and so did they.

and it worked.

brilliant. i bet admin is stoked with him. well done. he even managed to recover rather admirably from being caught in an un-truth or two...

well bravo

how does it feel to run rings around the mentally ill?

help you feel better about yourself?
for working for a bunch of *sshole managers who don't give a sh*t about the welfare of individuals?
help you sleep better?

oh, but then i function okay
so i guess its not like kicking a dog who is already down after all
no
the dog managed to get up first

bravo
well done

(ill put this here because very wisely he hasn't given me his email address...)

 

Re: i have been thinking...

Posted by alexandra_k on October 25, 2005, at 4:08:57

In reply to Re: i have been thinking..., posted by alexandra_k on October 25, 2005, at 3:59:20

though come to think of it...
i do have a few email addresses...

any disgruntled people out there want to join a hate mail campaign???

babblemail me for details

;-)

 

Re: i have been thinking...

Posted by alexandra_k on October 25, 2005, at 4:09:36

In reply to Re: i have been thinking..., posted by alexandra_k on October 25, 2005, at 4:08:57

not so much hate mail
as venting mail
to be clear...

any takers?

 

Re: i have been thinking... » alexandra_k

Posted by gardenergirl on October 25, 2005, at 8:08:24

In reply to Re: i have been thinking... » Dinah, posted by alexandra_k on October 24, 2005, at 23:40:34

Alex,
I just don't know what to say about the situation you are in. I would be really really angry, too. I'm so sorry.

thinking of you...

gg

 

Re: i have been thinking... » alexandra_k

Posted by Dinah on October 25, 2005, at 8:44:10

In reply to Re: i have been thinking... » Dinah, posted by alexandra_k on October 24, 2005, at 23:40:34

I wish that I knew what to say, but the whole situation is just beyond belief.

I'm so sorry they did this to you. It is just mind boggling really.

I know the impulse to get back at them by hurting yourself. Unfortunately they never get the message you're trying to send that way. :(

One thing I learned from my recent absence from my therapist is that it's the period right after contact when I feel the worst. As time goes on, the pain wears off unless he contacts me again.

Maybe it will be similar for you. I hope so.

((((Alexandra))))

 

Re: i have been thinking... » alexandra_k

Posted by Damos on October 25, 2005, at 18:15:35

In reply to Re: i have been thinking... » Damos, posted by alexandra_k on October 25, 2005, at 3:51:28

What are you saying sorry for? I'm just so enormously proud of you Alex.

As for *them*....STUFF 'EM. You've wasted enough of your precious time and energy on 'em. Though I have to admit that the idea of a vent-mail campaign does have a certain devilish appeal ;-)

 

Re: i have been thinking...

Posted by alexandra_k on October 25, 2005, at 21:11:25

In reply to Re: i have been thinking... » alexandra_k, posted by Damos on October 25, 2005, at 18:15:35

hey. yeah.. the vent-mail campaign... to be fair i guess it is only the people who tried to help who trusted me with their email addresses. shouldn't abuse that. not their fault etc etc. yeah. i guess it will get better in time. i shall think of it as a relapse. fell off the wagon. bound to happen occasionally. don't think i even managed to last a week. yeah i know hurting myself won't change anything. it will just mean they will change strategy back to 'well shes had how much treatment to stop doing that? and if she still hasn't stopped that then there isn't anything we can do that we haven't done already'. hence my 'if i'm going down i'm taking them down with me' comment. they are bound to notice that. bound to notice. won't lead to treatment i appreciate that. but if it ever gets to that... well. that would be out of the question anyways. but anyway no point dwelling on that. no means etc etc. i can hold that thought for if / when things truely fall apart. i can't tell whether i'm serious or not. doesn't matter whether i am or not anyway. what are people going to do? call community mental health on me lol. so you see i'm going to be a bit of a dry drunk for a while. probably best to stay away from this board till i've got myself together a bit more. i'll stick around till my net access gets cut. but maybe... just maybe not on this board. sorry peoples.

 

Re: i want to be pronounced

Posted by alexandra_k on October 25, 2005, at 22:45:55

In reply to Re: i have been thinking..., posted by alexandra_k on October 25, 2005, at 21:11:25

not dead no no no but cured. i think... that can be arranged... i'll check with my gp.
:-)
oh happy days...

 

Re: sorry

Posted by alexandra_k on October 26, 2005, at 5:59:11

In reply to Re: i want to be pronounced, posted by alexandra_k on October 25, 2005, at 22:45:55

enough already
sorry 'bout that
maybe i'm developing some kind of rapid cycling disorder...
lol
<joke>
i'm really sorry.
i really do think...
that some thoughts should be kept to oneself
and i've been losing it a little
i'm really sorry about that
time for...
a bit of a break or something...
i don't know.
time to throw myself into work
really
really really

am cycling a bit...
need to
need to
must
move on...

 

Re: i have been thinking... » alexandra_k

Posted by cricket on October 26, 2005, at 11:01:07

In reply to Re: i have been thinking..., posted by alexandra_k on October 24, 2005, at 20:49:25

((((Alex))))

I hope you don't go away. I will miss you so much. You have helped me so much.

I wish you could just go somewhere else where they could help you. Isn't that possible? What about student visas and such?

I mean I know the US is f*ed up in its very own special way but I think you'd get more help here. There has to be some options. You are too valuable to the world for this to be happening. I guess I just don't understand.

 

Re: i have been thinking...

Posted by alexandra_k on October 26, 2005, at 17:10:19

In reply to Re: i have been thinking... » alexandra_k, posted by cricket on October 26, 2005, at 11:01:07

> I hope you don't go away. I will miss you so much. You have helped me so much.

I hope you don't go away either. You help me too, you know. Maybe we should both stick around?

I'm waiting to see what happens with my internet access... It is possible that I won't be able to post anymore. I suppose it is probable that I will be asked to cut down. But I'm not sure. I have to wait and see.

I probably won't leave this board (internet access permitting). But I do need to get better at not posting when I'm in a bad place.

> I wish you could just go somewhere else where they could help you. Isn't that possible? What about student visas and such?

No. Its not possible. Well... Yeah, I suppose I could apply to study in a different region. I might be able to get treatment in another region. But getting a job from there would be very tricky indeed. So yeah. I guess that when it comes down to it it is my possible career versus getting some help. And I can't have both and thus I must choose. And so yeah. I guess I choose to give everything I've got to the former. It helps to think of it as a decision, I suppose.

Its hard because I think that if I had both... Then my chances of getting through okay will be that much higher. But then I suppose that I've also learned... That having a therapist is absolutely no guarantee that that will be helpful. And I have to say that most... Seem to cause more harm than help.

So... I guess I'll just have to make do as best I can. And not dwell too much on whats going to happen if I have an episode.

> I mean I know the US is f*ed up in its very own special way but I think you'd get more help here.

Yeah, but you guys have these nasty standardised tests called GRE that make a certain level of mathematical ability a pre-requisite for graduate study. Not everywhere, that is true. But I've exhausted my US options. Well... I suppose I could keep applying but your chances of getting in someplace you have already been turned down are very poor indeed. Not to mention very expensive just to apply.

 

Re: i don't know anything anymore...

Posted by alexandra_k on October 29, 2005, at 7:54:35

In reply to Re: i have been thinking..., posted by alexandra_k on October 26, 2005, at 17:10:19

though to be fair i probably never did.
it is just that things have changed now...
well. over the past couple weeks i suppose.
and i don't know
i don't know
i
don't
know
i don't know how to see myself anymore
how to think of myself
what is wrong with me
the question i've compulsively asked from when i was little
ever since i can remember
what is wrong with me?
because something is wrong
i can feel that
i can
but i don't know what it is.
and answers...
the answers came thick and fast
a new answer every month
at least thats how it felt like
though each answer flowed into the next i suppose
a progressive deterioration
a complete break

and getting out of that was the hardest thing i've ever done
though thats just that particular hole
its not any better than how it was when i was a kid
its not

but it doesn't matter anymore

and that hurts
but then it always has i suppose
and what are you going to do?
there isn't anything to be done...

and i feel really scaired sometimes
because i am unstable
and i can't afford to be
and all it takes is an episode or two
and thats it
game over
and what are you going to do?
there isn't anything to be done...

the trouble with community mental health is that...

you know it is just so much b*llshit really
because while they say i function too highly to qualify for treatment now...
its not so long ago that they said i functioned too poorly and that because i hadn't progressed with the treatment i had been given it was pointless offering me any more...
excuses
thats all
because they don't care
because they don't have to live with it
because they don't have to live with me
because they don't have to live with my pain
what does it matter to them?
it doesn't matter at all.
its of little consequence really.

and i struggle sometimes
i really struggle just to get through the day
but thats of little consequence
and i think of all those days when i was really struggling and i just kept thinking
why are they taking so long?
and i was right
my worst fear
they had forgotten me
or at least...
they were trying to forget
and they were ignoring me on purpose
and i suffered through...
and he laughs and tells me that i function okay without contact from the service
and i say he hasn't assessed that
and he says its there in my file
and of course thats months old
but it doesn't matter
because its just an excuse

i still get the urge to throw a tantrum
to hurt them
to hurt him
he enjoyed that
the sick bastard
he actually enjoyed it
i said... at one point i said that it must be hard for him... for the load to be chucked on him for him to have to tell me that i was terminated
and he laughed
there was a lot of that
he laughed and said he didn't mind it at all
that it was part of his job
and there it was
and he did enjoy it
and i can see

that it is punishment
or something...
and they have been trying to get rid of me for years...
and even when i hurt myself
even when i hurt myself real bad
nobody came
nobody came
until the medical ward refused to discharge me and required a psych assessment
(they didn't want to get in trouble in case there was a repeat)
but they didn't care
because of course...
they want me dead
or something...

i still feel the rage
i still feel the pain
part of me doesn't understand how they can do this to me
another part knows thats life
welcome to the real world
you don't really think anybody gives a f*ck.
no
things are changing...

i imagine... i'm going to have to stop babbling.
i don't know what is going to happen with me.
i don't know what to do.
i'm frightened.
i don't want to mess up
but i'm unstable
and i really do think...
that messing up is inevitable
its part of my life
i just can't seem to function at times
and there it is.

and yeah...
i thought what they offered me was hope
but its not hope
most certainly not anymore
and sometimes the prospect of prison isn't so bad when i really contemplate what i could do to them first...
because...
i'm going to mess up at some point at any rate
its inevitable
and then what am i going to do?
i get one shot...
one shot
and i'm not really ready
i wanted to be
i wanted to be so much
because the opportunity means everything to me
everything in the world
and i want it i want to do it i want to do well at it more than anything else in the world
but i'm not ready
and...
i probably never will be
and there it is.

and thats what they have been telling me
that i can't do it
that i can't do it
and turns out they are right really...

because a fact about me is that i can't function very well sometimes.
and a fact about life is that sometimes...
thats unacceptable.

and there it is.

 

Re: i don't know anything anymore...

Posted by alexandra_k on October 29, 2005, at 8:06:01

In reply to Re: i don't know anything anymore..., posted by alexandra_k on October 29, 2005, at 7:54:35

and i do wonder...
i do wonder how much it is a crock

the world is cold
thats the problem
the world is cold
it doesn't care
it doesn't give a damn
one way or the other
it doesn't have an opinion
because it just is

and people
people can be like that too
out of sight out of mind
as the saying goes
and that happens
be quiet for a while...
and all thats left is a shadow
a dim recollection
and you may as well not exist really
infact it is preferable not to
because existence is painful
or at least mine is
and i really don't see...
that there is any hope
though maybe to be fair
it wasn't that i thought someone could save me
so much as i hoped to god that someone could
because i don't do so well on myself
never have
but then...
story of my life
etc
etc
what is wrong with me?
doesn't really matter...
of no consequence
sometimes...
i do believe its time to self destruct
its like i have to put my foot down at some point
enough!
things can't continue on like this...
i can't continue on like this...
and hope for change?

i think the fates have kicked in...

because the fact is it is about being unwanted
of no consequence at all

people pretending you don't exist

story of my life

and i don't think things like that change

because something is wrong with me
and it doesn't matter what it is
the point is that...
there is something wrong
though people don't see that
because they don't see me in the first place

and if they did...
if they did see me...
they'd just turn away in disgust

maybe they saw me after all

and i don't know how to make this stop...


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