Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 570614

Shown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

unable to get moving/feeling guilty

Posted by fairywings on October 22, 2005, at 19:32:36

I can't seem to get myself going, I can't do just the basic stuff consistently, I want my husband to take over on the weekends so i don't have to deal with the chaos and noise. When I have basic tasks to do i panic or feel incredibly overwhelmed. I hate it when the kids intrude on me when i'm trying to get some quiet time, and yet i worry that i don't spend enough time with them, and that they think i ignore them. I worry too because money's tight and i worry that every month we spend more than we take in, and there are always all these expenses, and the kids want to do expensive activities and i tell them it's too much, and then i feel guilty that they can't play a sport because i'm cheap. I feel like i should get a job, but can't justify the expense of child care when i couldn't make more than it would cost. and i'm afraid to get a job, i'm afraid of having to be "out there". I want to just shut myself away and not go out.

I don't know why i feel this way. I'm not exercising anymore. I used to exercise 6-7 days a week, now i feel like a slug i feel guilty and i despise myself for it. I hate looking at myself. I don't know what's wrong with me. I have a good life, there's nothing terribly wrong. I feel really shallow; like i have no life, no knowledge, no experience. I've started shutting myself away, I don't like to go out, I just want to stay home, but then i feel guilty because I've let my friendships go, and I don't go out and do anything. I feel really inadequate, esp. since I can't seem to motivate myself to do the much of anything and get myself off my butt to exercise.

I want to "fix" myself and feel better about myself, but i feel like i'll never "get there". When i had my last appt. with my T he talked about how i tend to take what ppl say and feel like i have to make it my own, like they're forcing their opinions on me, and he talked about ways I could stop doing that. It wasn't anything he said that made me feel worse, it just seemed like i realized all of my behaviors are self defeating, and how am i ever going to feel good about myself when everything i do is self defeating. I feel like a bad mom, bad wife, bad friend, bad person. I hate feeling this way, but i don't know how to fix it.

fw

 

Re: unable to get moving/feeling guilty

Posted by happyflower on October 22, 2005, at 19:40:58

In reply to unable to get moving/feeling guilty, posted by fairywings on October 22, 2005, at 19:32:36

(((((((Jazzy)))))) You are a good friend at least to me! :) I have noticed your pulling away, but I am trying to give you space.
I am not expert, believe me, but it kinda sounds like you are in a depression. I have noticed you aren't your usually perky self. Is this something you could talk to your Pdoc about? I would just show him your post, and see what he says. Please don't suffer this way, please get some help! I miss my funny pal! :( Hang in there! :)

 

Re: unable to get moving/feeling guilty » happyflower

Posted by fairywings on October 22, 2005, at 20:18:57

In reply to Re: unable to get moving/feeling guilty, posted by happyflower on October 22, 2005, at 19:40:58

Thanks happy,

I'm sorry i've been pulling away, i don't mean to. I'm just so freaking tired all the time, and I feel so unmotivated, and then i get so mad at myself. I feel like a slug. I think i will have to talk to my p-doc. Ever since I went on the Topamax, which i'm off now because of side effects, I've felt like a slug.

thanks again happy,
fw

 

I know how you feel

Posted by Angela2 on October 22, 2005, at 21:49:04

In reply to unable to get moving/feeling guilty, posted by fairywings on October 22, 2005, at 19:32:36

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. I am not a parent or a wife but I understand that part too.

Maybe you are being too hard on your self about"fixing" all your problems that feel like they're weighing down on you right now. Maybe you caould start with small things. Like do one thing that mkaes you happy today. Or promise yourself you will workout for TODAY. You don't have to mkae a lifetime commitment.

The thing with the kids is a common problem. I think my parents feel a lot like you do. Don't feel guilty about telling them the activities they want to do are too expensive. They will learn the value of a dollar and maybe get jobs of their own if they really want to do expensive stuff (tho I don't know how old your kids are...)

I think that it would be a good thing to get a job. It's scary, but maybe you could find something not so scary? Why don't you have a job, btw?

You say you just stay in all day and are ruining your friendships. Do you want to be friends with these people? Do you feel like you click? If so maybe you could call one or 2 people you like and set a date to get some coffee.

 

Re: unable to get moving/feeling guilty » fairywings

Posted by Tamar on October 23, 2005, at 13:30:49

In reply to unable to get moving/feeling guilty, posted by fairywings on October 22, 2005, at 19:32:36

(((((Fairywings)))))

I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling so awful. It sounds as if everything’s getting on top of you and you’re overwhelmed.

I agree with Happyflower: it sounds as if you’re depressed. At least, it sounds exactly like the stuff I feel when I’m depressed. Especially the part about chaos and noise. That’s always the first sign of depression for me: an inability to handle chaos and noise.

I know it’s horrible to feel guilty about how you’re relating to the kids. But I know you’re a great mom, so even if you aren’t doing everything absolutely perfectly, I’m sure you’re still doing a good job of being a mom.

And I do know how stopping exercise can make you feel really lethargic and tired, and then the idea of exercise is unimaginable. And that kind of change can make you feel guilty. Try not to beat yourself up about it. You'll feel more like exercising when you're feeling less depressed.

And you are NOT a bad person, and I’m sure you are an excellent wife, mother and friend. It seems to me that you're being rather hard on yourself. We love you and we know you're not bad.

You’ve been dealing with a lot of sh*t from the past in recent weeks. And that can be very, very hard work. I think you’re doing an amazing job of dealing with that as well as a busy family life and a husband and all the other things you do. I think you’re coping very well, even if it feels as if you’re not coping at all.

I don’t know if there’s an easy way to fix it, but I do think it’s fixable. I hope that continuing therapy will help. I remember that a few weeks into therapy I seemed to feel worse than I’d felt before I started, but it got better again as I kept working on stuff. So maybe something similar is happening to you… and if that’s what it is, it should start to get better pretty soon.

In the mean time, can you talk to your husband about how you feel? Sometimes it can help to get a few things off your chest, whether it’s about how you feel about not exercising, or your difficulties handling the kids’ noise…

Just one more very practical thing: when this happened to me I couldn’t handle thinking about money at all. It’s very easy to forget to pay bills and stuff like that when you’re depressed. If you usually handle the family finances, now might be a good time to ask your husband to take over for a few weeks…

I really hope you start to feel better soon. Take good care of yourself. If you can think of one thing that would make you feel a bit better (listening to a CD, having a bath with candles, taking a 15-minute walk, or whatever) then just do it…

Tamar

 

Re: I know how you feel » Angela2

Posted by fairywings on October 23, 2005, at 17:29:12

In reply to I know how you feel, posted by Angela2 on October 22, 2005, at 21:49:04

> I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. I am not a parent or a wife but I understand that part too.
>
> Maybe you are being too hard on your self about"fixing" all your problems that feel like they're weighing down on you right now. Maybe you caould start with small things. Like do one thing that mkaes you happy today. Or promise yourself you will workout for TODAY. You don't have to mkae a lifetime commitment.

Hi angela, thanks for understanding. one of my problems is i can't do things for myself that make me happy because it makes me feel guilty, but you're right, i need to make a commitment to exercise. i'll try to do it one day at a time.
>
> The thing with the kids is a common problem. I think my parents feel a lot like you do.

I love our kids, i spend a lot of time with them, but it gets overwhelming, esp with the boys who go non-stop from 6:30 AM till 10:30 PM, the older has confirmed ADHD, and they both bounce off the walls all evening. I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but i guess it's hard not to with kids and activities, you want them to have a range of activities and experiences, but not at $1,000 for a couple of months! Geeze!
>
> I think that it would be a good thing to get a job. It's scary, but maybe you could find something not so scary? Why don't you have a job, btw?

Right now i'm going to school and want to get a job once our youngest is in school. i don't have a job because we have 4 kids and it's almost a full time job doing what needs to be done with them. Between school, activities, appointments, running all the errands, and all the normal household stuff, I'd have no family time or time for myself, and that would be horrible.

> You say you just stay in all day and are ruining your friendships. Do you want to be friends with these people? Do you feel like you click? If so maybe you could call one or 2 people you like and set a date to get some coffee.

i had friends, but have let things go, i just don't feel like i can manage friendships right now, but it feels bad to have let things go too. one friend really hurt my feelings by introducing me as her "good neighbor", she used to introduce me as her "good friend". She was my best friend. I must not be someone ppl want to hang out with because ppl have been okay with me letting friendships go, so i just feel bad about it right now.

fw

 

Re: unable to get moving/feeling guilty » Tamar

Posted by fairywings on October 23, 2005, at 17:41:50

In reply to Re: unable to get moving/feeling guilty » fairywings, posted by Tamar on October 23, 2005, at 13:30:49

> (((((Fairywings)))))
>
> I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling so awful. It sounds as if everything’s getting on top of you and you’re overwhelmed.

thanks tamar,

i think a lot of what i'm feeling is hormonal. my cycles are all messed up, so i never know when pms will hit. when it does it hits me hard for awhile, but i never know if it's pms because things are messed up.

> Especially the part about chaos and noise. That’s always the first sign of depression for me: an inability to handle chaos and noise.
> I know it’s horrible to feel guilty about how you’re relating to the kids. But I know you’re a great mom, so even if you aren’t doing everything absolutely perfectly, I’m sure you’re still doing a good job of being a mom.

thanks, i hate that i can't handle being around the kids when it gets so chaotic. i love them so much and don't want them to think i don't. my one son bounces off the walls, and it drives me batty. i have to leave because sometimes i'm afraid i'll say things that i'm worried he will interpret as attacks on him, and i don't want to do that. i just can't handle the massive energy he has ALL day and night.

> And you are NOT a bad person, and I’m sure you are an excellent wife, mother and friend. It seems to me that you're being rather hard on yourself. We love you and we know you're not bad.

thanks, i appreciate that. i'm not a good friend though, i've let all my friendships go, and i regret it, feels awful.

> I remember that a few weeks into therapy I seemed to feel worse than I’d felt before I started, but it got better again as I kept working on stuff. So maybe something similar is happening to you… and if that’s what it is, it should start to get better pretty soon.

i'm glad to know that, i hope you're right, i do feel worse, even though my T is great. wish it would go faster.
>
> In the mean time, can you talk to your husband about how you feel? Sometimes it can help to get a few things off your chest, whether it’s about how you feel about not exercising, or your difficulties handling the kids’ noise…

he has been good about things. he does support me taking time for exercise. he listens sometimes, but sometimes he pretends to listen but it's obvious he hasn't been and that feels worse.
>
> If you usually handle the family finances, now might be a good time to ask your husband to take over for a few weeks…

i can't let him pay the bills, i took them over because he didn't pay the car ins. once a long time ago, and the bank took it out on the car, and cost us a sh*tload of $. He paid bills late, and we got late fees. i pay online, so i'm pretty good about that.
>
> I really hope you start to feel better soon. Take good care of yourself. If you can think of one thing that would make you feel a bit better (listening to a CD, having a bath with candles, taking a 15-minute walk, or whatever) then just do it…

thanks tamar, I will try to do all of that, the dog would love a walk! ; ) Gosh it's cold here, is it cold where you are? I'm cold to the bone, i can never shake that.
fw


 

important-could be misunderstanding » fairywings

Posted by rainbowbrite on October 23, 2005, at 17:46:03

In reply to Re: I know how you feel » Angela2, posted by fairywings on October 23, 2005, at 17:29:12


>
> i had friends, but have let things go, i just don't feel like i can manage friendships right now, but it feels bad to have let things go too. one friend really hurt my feelings by introducing me as her "good neighbor", she used to introduce me as her "good friend". She was my best friend. I must not be someone ppl want to hang out with because ppl have been okay with me letting friendships go, so i just feel bad about it right now.
>

sometimes people think they are actually helping by staying away and not being pushy about staying friends. Sometimes it seems like that is what the person wants. really, Ive done this before. I ended up insulting someone but my intentions truely were to back off and give the person space while they were struggling. Your friend might have said that neighbor comment because she felt you pulled away from her?? If she says friend than she may think you are thinking, more like neighbor....make sense?
I have been through some of my own crap but for some reason when it is someone else who I dont expect to be going through stuff I dont always understand what they want/need even though Ive been there. if you want to mend relationships just call them up and say I miss what we had ive been feeling whatever.....filli n the blank. Sorry I came in at this part of the thread so I hope I havent gone off on a tnagent.
Im sorry FW

 

Re: unable to get moving/feeling guilty » fairywings

Posted by Tamar on October 23, 2005, at 18:15:32

In reply to Re: unable to get moving/feeling guilty » Tamar, posted by fairywings on October 23, 2005, at 17:41:50

> i think a lot of what i'm feeling is hormonal. my cycles are all messed up, so i never know when pms will hit. when it does it hits me hard for awhile, but i never know if it's pms because things are messed up.

Ah, that’s never fun. Having a messed-up hormonal cycle is the last thing you need right now! I’m guessing you don’t want to take the pill? A friend of mine takes something herbal to keep things in balance… I’ll ask her what it is…

> thanks, i hate that i can't handle being around the kids when it gets so chaotic. i love them so much and don't want them to think i don't. my one son bounces off the walls, and it drives me batty. i have to leave because sometimes i'm afraid i'll say things that i'm worried he will interpret as attacks on him, and i don't want to do that. i just can't handle the massive energy he has ALL day and night.

Well, with all that to cope with I think you’re doing a really good job. I only have three kids and none of them have ADHD and they’re still hard work. So give yourself credit for being able to keep going. I’ll bet you never get enough sleep.

> thanks, i appreciate that. i'm not a good friend though, i've let all my friendships go, and i regret it, feels awful.

I think Rainbowbrite made some really good points about this. Friends don’t always understand and if you pull away perhaps they think you need space or they just don’t get it. But if they’re real friends they’ll be there when you’re ready. I have to admit, I just can’t handle social contact when I’m really depressed. Fortunately my closest friends know I’ll come back and they’re prepared to wait when it happens. Maybe your friends are just waiting until you’re ready.

> i'm glad to know that, i hope you're right, i do feel worse, even though my T is great. wish it would go faster.

The only thing to do is to take it one day at a time. You WILL get there.

> he has been good about things. he does support me taking time for exercise. he listens sometimes, but sometimes he pretends to listen but it's obvious he hasn't been and that feels worse.

Depression can cause problems in intimate relationships. You might feel very neglected or misunderstood. From everything you’ve said before he’ll be there for you as much as possible. He might be struggling to cope too…

> i can't let him pay the bills, i took them over because he didn't pay the car ins. once a long time ago, and the bank took it out on the car, and cost us a sh*tload of $. He paid bills late, and we got late fees. i pay online, so i'm pretty good about that.

I’m starting to think we might be married to the same man! My husband never pays anything on time. I’m surprised we still have a house to live in…

> thanks tamar, I will try to do all of that, the dog would love a walk! ; ) Gosh it's cold here, is it cold where you are? I'm cold to the bone, i can never shake that.

It’s not too cold yet where I am. But then, I don’t feel the cold. When I go out everyone’s in winter coats but I’m still in short sleeves. Must be the extra 50 pounds…

You take care of yourself.

Tamar

 

Re: important-could be misunderstanding » rainbowbrite

Posted by fairywings on October 23, 2005, at 18:43:24

In reply to important-could be misunderstanding » fairywings, posted by rainbowbrite on October 23, 2005, at 17:46:03


>
> sometimes people think they are actually helping by staying away and not being pushy about staying friends. Sometimes it seems like that is what the person wants. really, Ive done this before. I ended up insulting someone but my intentions truely were to back off and give the person space while they were struggling. Your friend might have said that neighbor comment because she felt you pulled away from her??

No, she was my best friend. I guess i should try again with her, but she seemed to be pulling away from me because she sensed I was having problems, and she's not very tolerant. If that's what she needs that's fine.


> I have been through some of my own crap but for some reason when it is someone else who I dont expect to be going through stuff I dont always understand what they want/need even though Ive been there. if you want to mend relationships just call them up and say I miss what we had ive been feeling whatever.....filli n the blank. Sorry I came in at this part of the thread so I hope I havent gone off on a tnagent.

No, not at all, I appreciate your thoughts. I think some of it is that ppl are busy with their own lives, and some of it is that some of my friends don't understand the social anxiety. So it's easier just for me to have aquaintences.
thanks again rain,
fw

 

Re: unable to get moving/feeling guilty » Tamar

Posted by fairywings on October 23, 2005, at 18:52:26

In reply to Re: unable to get moving/feeling guilty » fairywings, posted by Tamar on October 23, 2005, at 18:15:32


> Ah, that’s never fun. Having a messed-up hormonal cycle is the last thing you need right now! I’m guessing you don’t want to take the pill? A friend of mine takes something herbal to keep things in balance… I’ll ask her what it is…

No, don't want to take the pill, but now that you mention the herbal thing, I used to take 5 HTP and that helped. Would be interested in what your friend takes too. Anything that works.
I have to mention to p-doc though because it gets my meds all out of whack.


> Well, with all that to cope with I think you’re doing a really good job. I only have three kids and none of them have ADHD and they’re still hard work. So give yourself credit for being able to keep going. I’ll bet you never get enough sleep.

Thanks tamar, it's nice to know i'm not the only one who thinks it's a big job. My sleep is weird anyway, so i don't think the kids mess it up too much, at least not anymore. Although the toddler is sick so I can expect more sleep loss till he's better.

> Depression can cause problems in intimate relationships. You might feel very neglected or misunderstood. From everything you’ve said before he’ll be there for you as much as possible. He might be struggling to cope too…

Yes, he's great, he's such a good guy, I"m really blessed. AND he's a perpetual optimist, and that's so good for me.
>
> I’m starting to think we might be married to the same man! My husband never pays anything on time. I’m surprised we still have a house to live in…

LOL, hmmmm.....well if we're married to the same man, I'm already paying the bills, so don't worry about the house, we're fine.
>
> It’s not too cold yet where I am. But then, I don’t feel the cold. When I go out everyone’s in winter coats but I’m still in short sleeves. Must be the extra 50 pounds…

Oh, I have the extra too, I think it makes the cold stick to me! I hate big bulky winter coats, would rather have a long sleeved shirt, a hoodie, and then a lighter coat overtop.

>
> You take care of yourself.
>
Thanks tamar, you too! ; )
fw

 

Re: unable to get moving/feeling guilty » fairywings

Posted by Tamar on October 23, 2005, at 19:27:05

In reply to Re: unable to get moving/feeling guilty » Tamar, posted by fairywings on October 23, 2005, at 18:52:26


> No, don't want to take the pill, but now that you mention the herbal thing, I used to take 5 HTP and that helped. Would be interested in what your friend takes too. Anything that works.
> I have to mention to p-doc though because it gets my meds all out of whack.

I'll find out and let you know...

> Thanks tamar, it's nice to know i'm not the only one who thinks it's a big job. My sleep is weird anyway, so i don't think the kids mess it up too much, at least not anymore. Although the toddler is sick so I can expect more sleep loss till he's better.

I hope the little one is better soon.


> Yes, he's great, he's such a good guy, I"m really blessed. AND he's a perpetual optimist, and that's so good for me.

That does sound good. A perpetual optimist... what a cool guy!


> LOL, hmmmm.....well if we're married to the same man, I'm already paying the bills, so don't worry about the house, we're fine.

ROFL! I like that idea!


> Oh, I have the extra too, I think it makes the cold stick to me! I hate big bulky winter coats, would rather have a long sleeved shirt, a hoodie, and then a lighter coat overtop.

Yeah. Bulky winter coats are a killer for voluptuous women (and lighter garments show off our womanly figures...)

 

Re: unable to get moving/feeling guilty » Tamar

Posted by fairywings on October 24, 2005, at 11:34:27

In reply to Re: unable to get moving/feeling guilty » fairywings, posted by Tamar on October 23, 2005, at 19:27:05


> I'll find out and let you know...

thanks Tamar.

> I hope the little one is better soon.

Thanks, it's a cold but there's tummy stuff too - yuk!
>
> That does sound good. A perpetual optimist... what a cool guy!

Works well for me. Last night had school woes, and was a total B, but he hung in there w/me. I didn't deserve it.

> ROFL! I like that idea!

So, just sit back and take comfort in the fact that the bills are paid, okay. And I just spent a couple of hours on the phone trying to sort out the insurance stuff, so that's taken care of too! ; )

> Yeah. Bulky winter coats are a killer for voluptuous women (and lighter garments show off our womanly figures...)

Hmmm....I don't think of myself as voluptous, that's a nice way to think of us. ; )
fw

 

Re: unable to get moving/feeling guilty » fairywings

Posted by ClearSkies on October 24, 2005, at 14:22:42

In reply to unable to get moving/feeling guilty, posted by fairywings on October 22, 2005, at 19:32:36

I start to feel so guilty when the wall hits me and suddenly I'm incapable of the most basic activities... so I try not to promise too much at the moment, not to myself or the world. Taking things slowly seems to help me (and it's a theme I'm carrying around at the moment). Everything happens at the right time, or something like that. So the laundry I couldn't do, the meal I couldn't prepare, the bathroom I couldn't clean... will be OK for a little while without me.

When that happens, I know it is time for me to stop. Meditate. Relax. Make a list - though even that sounds too hard right now. Maybe read, if I can retain any information. Keep it easy and uncomplicated.

 

Re: unable to get moving/feeling guilty

Posted by happyflower on October 24, 2005, at 15:20:22

In reply to Re: unable to get moving/feeling guilty » fairywings, posted by ClearSkies on October 24, 2005, at 14:22:42

YOu know sometimes 2 weeks before my period starts , I get very edgy too. One of the first signs of this is when my kids and the dog are getting on my nerves and I just want them all to just shut up! Then I go to bed and hide under the covers for as long as I can!

 

Re: unable to get moving/feeling guilty » ClearSkies

Posted by fairywings on October 24, 2005, at 17:46:09

In reply to Re: unable to get moving/feeling guilty » fairywings, posted by ClearSkies on October 24, 2005, at 14:22:42

> I start to feel so guilty when the wall hits me and suddenly I'm incapable of the most basic activities... so I try not to promise too much at the moment, not to myself or the world. Taking things slowly seems to help me (and it's a theme I'm carrying around at the moment).

Hi clear,

Sorry you're going through this too. It really s*cks doesn't it? The feelings of guilt are as bad as not being able to move. It's a viscious cycle for me.

> Everything happens at the right time, or something like that. So the laundry I couldn't do, the meal I couldn't prepare, the bathroom I couldn't clean... will be OK for a little while without me.

It seems that some days I get a lot done, and then there are days on end where I'm paralyzed just thinking about what i "should" be doing. I haven't gotten to the point where I feel things will wait, but my husband says the stuff that "needs" to get done gets done.
>
> When that happens, I know it is time for me to stop. Meditate. Relax. Make a list - though even that sounds too hard right now. Maybe read, if I can retain any information. Keep it easy and uncomplicated.

That sounds wonderful, want to go with me someplace warm where we can do nothing together? Or sit in the sun by a pool and read? I'm so cold here, it's in my bones.
fw

 

Re: unable to get moving/feeling guilty » happyflower

Posted by fairywings on October 24, 2005, at 17:49:35

In reply to Re: unable to get moving/feeling guilty, posted by happyflower on October 24, 2005, at 15:20:22

> YOu know sometimes 2 weeks before my period starts , I get very edgy too. One of the first signs of this is when my kids and the dog are getting on my nerves and I just want them all to just shut up! Then I go to bed and hide under the covers for as long as I can!

And that feels terrible, doesn't it? I can't hide under the covers; I can't hide in the bathroom! No privacy w/4 kids. Last night the girls walked in my room 4 times w/o knocking, and my older son walked in on me in the bathroom - we had a talk about manners, privacy, and knocking. Of course the little one doesn't know better, so he's off the hook.

Hormones! Bah!
fw


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