Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 569871

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Re: Or have I gotten confused?

Posted by Dinah on October 21, 2005, at 18:57:08

In reply to Re: Or have I gotten confused? » Dinah, posted by happyflower on October 21, 2005, at 18:52:39

> Mabye he is just the guy who was suppose to help me heal my life so I can live it fully.

"Just"???

That sounds pretty cosmic to me. If you say the same sentence without the just

"Mabye he is the guy who was suppose to help me heal my life so I can live it fully."

I'd say that is a wonderful way to fully express whatever feelings either of you may have.

 

Re: Or have I gotten confused? » Dinah

Posted by happyflower on October 21, 2005, at 19:10:21

In reply to Re: Or have I gotten confused?, posted by Dinah on October 21, 2005, at 18:57:08

Sorry, I didn't realize how minializing that sounded. Yes, he is the one who was meant to help me to live my life to the fullest. Does that sound better? Maybe that is what I am feeling mostly.

 

Re: Confused, need some advice, please help please » happyflower

Posted by Tamar on October 21, 2005, at 19:23:26

In reply to Re: Confused, need some advice, please help please » Tamar, posted by happyflower on October 21, 2005, at 18:44:36

Hi Happyflower!

> It is kinda of funny that your post is longer than my record breaking one! LOL

Yeah… sorry about that. I need to learn to be more concise!

> I think you are right about this, I think he kinda sees me as one his accomplishements too and I think since music is so important to him, having a person who used to think music was my life, start playing again because I feel good, because of his help, has to be an ego booster for him. Most clients you don't get to see proof of the success of therapy. Here he can see it publicly for himself.

Yes, and it’s always gratifying to see the results of your work!

> One thing that is interesting is that the "special conversation" took place months before he started to loosen his boundries. So he really didn't tighten any boundries, he has loosened them in the last couple months of sessions. Plus the disclosure are really getting more personal too.

I see what you mean. So perhaps it feels as if he is getting more intimate with you?

> What do you mean by likely responses? I am not following what you mean. The 25 minutes of chatting come after my session of 50 minutes, which is right before his lunch hour. But he seems to like to keep scheduling for the hour before his lunch, which you know I don't mind one bit.

By ‘likely responses’ I mean that he should know that a person with abuse issues is likely to feel a strong attachment to her therapist; in other words, that you are likely to feel he is very special. I think people with issues that are less personal can sometimes get through therapy without such strong feelings, but it seems to me that anyone with abuse issues is likely to experience very strong feelings about safety and trust, and therapists should probably be aware of that. But I don’t know whether the theory that therapists read is explicit about that…

> In the beginning, and before we saw each other at the gym, he was very clear about the feduciairy relationship between us and that I am not very special to him (like his wife, or daughter, or family). We had this conversation the session after I quit because he said he was good liar. Then I felt bad, and sent him that card. We never talked about the card, but maybe that is what sparked off the I am not very special to him conversation. We haven't had any of the I am not special to him talks for several months. In fact it almost seems like he can't deny those feeling anymore.

Well, it seems there’s not much point in having that kind of conversation. If you feel he is very special, then that’s simply how you feel and he has to deal with it. And if he feels you are very special, then that’s simply how he feels and he should take it to consultation with a colleague!

> You are probably right, about this. He has been a T for a long time and trains other T's too, so unless he is truely in love with me and what to wait the 2 year period, things won't progress past this.

The difficult thing is that it’s almost impossible to know whether a love affair would survive past the two year period. If you were to do it properly, you shouldn’t really have any contact after the end of therapy for two years. But 99 times out of 100 you won’t have the same feelings for him after two years of no contact. The transference that any woman would feel for any man she falls in love with usually won’t survive two years of no contact. I’ve always said I fell in love with my husband the day I met him, but I know it was largely transference and if I’d had to wait two years I probably would have found someone else (maybe I’m fickle). And if you spend two years waiting for your T and longing for him, it’s probably more obsession than love.

> Thanks! LOL I am an honest person, maybe too honest, but you don't think gay guys would like me? LOL just kidding, giving you a hard time! :) You know sometime I catch him just looking at me with those bedroom eyes if you know what I mean. Once I looked at him and said" What" , like what are you looking at!

Yeah, I reckon gay guys would like you too! Just don’t count on changing them (LOL!). What did your T say when you caught him looking at you?

> You are right about this, I wouldn't expect him to ever make a move on me while I am married or while I am currently a client of his. I am not sure about after therapy though.

I’ve always thought that if it’s meant to be it will work out, and things work out best if you don’t try too hard. At the moment there are a lot of things stacked against a relationship. He’s married, you’re married, he’s your therapist… it couldn’t be much harder if he were an alien from another planet. Even after therapy there are a lot of ethical issues. I do think it’s possible, but it’s by no means easy to establish a friendship (let alone a relationship) after therapy. There are some pretty stiff guidelines. I guess I would say it’s probably something you need to talk about in therapy, even though that might feel like you’re making it impossible. One thing I do know is that it’s horrible to find after termination that you long for something you’re not getting and you never took the opportunity to talk about it.

> Thank you for the letting me see the light at the end of the tunnel. Even if I can't be his true friend or lover, I can at least enjoy what I do share with him. I do have a lot of fun with the fantasies, of course all babblers know that by now. LOL

Fantasies are for enjoying! Sometimes they can also tell you something about yourself and open up areas of your sexuality that you never thought about before… I had an incredible fantasy about two men while I was in therapy, which was a real eye opener for me because I’d always though such ideas were very dangerous…

> Hey, I think I am average looks too and overweight and married. He even sees me without my hair done and no makeup at the gym! LOL I guess he is seeing the real me!

The real you is probably what he likes the most!

> Yup, a bummer, but I think I don't need him to tell me I think I already know without the words.

Yes. It’s always nice to hear the words. But if you can know without the words, that’s even better. If someone shows it without words, you know they really mean it.

> Just a nosey question, Tamar, but what is your profession? I think you would make such a great T yourself!

I’m a teacher! I don’t think I’d be a good T. I don’t think I could handle all the negative transference stuff. Clients getting angry with me… ouch! I take everything very personally. But thank you for the compliment!

> Thanks again for your support and understanding me more than I do myself. I feel much better tonight because of what you said. I guess I just need to treasure what I do have and not worry about it. If it was meant to be, then it will happen, right? :)

Yeah. Treasure what you have. Every moment. The love that happens in therapy is so beautiful and so profound… it’s very special. It’s natural to hope for more, but if you can find comfort in what you have, then you’re already doing very well, I think!

Tamar

 

Re: Confused, need some advice, please help please » happyflower

Posted by JenStar on October 21, 2005, at 19:29:01

In reply to Confused, need some advice, please help please, posted by happyflower on October 21, 2005, at 14:25:15

hi happyflower,
I enjoy reading your posts, short or long!

hmmmmm...it does sound like he has interest in you beyond the therapeutic relationship. Whether it's romantic, friendly, or something in-between is hard to say. But it's DEFINITELY more than the typical client!

If it were up to you to decide what happens, what do you most want out of this situation? I know he's cute and attractive, but I believe you've also said that you don't want him to interfere in your "real" life and "real" relationships. Would you want something to happen with him? If something DID happen, what would happen with therapy and with your family life?

Would you be OK with him attending a concert?

It's a very interesting situation!

take care and good luck,
JenStar

 

Re: Confused, need some advice, please help please » Tamar

Posted by JenStar on October 21, 2005, at 19:30:57

In reply to Re: Confused, need some advice, please help please » happyflower, posted by Tamar on October 21, 2005, at 16:54:29

Tamar, what a fantastic and well thought-out post!

:)

JenStar

 

I agree completely » JenStar

Posted by Dinah on October 21, 2005, at 19:36:41

In reply to Re: Confused, need some advice, please help please » Tamar, posted by JenStar on October 21, 2005, at 19:30:57

Tamar always floors me with her ability to combine reason with an incredible level of empathy.

 

Re: Confused, need some advice, please help please » Tamar

Posted by happyflower on October 21, 2005, at 20:07:11

In reply to Re: Confused, need some advice, please help please » happyflower, posted by Tamar on October 21, 2005, at 19:23:26

> > It is kinda of funny that your post is longer than my record breaking one! LOL
>
> Yeah… sorry about that. I need to learn to be more concise!
Tamar,
I am just joking, I appreciate every word you have to say. You just make a lot of sense out of all my nonscence. But now I am feeling a little weird knowing you are a teacher, and I can't spell anything right! LOL :)

>> I see what you mean. So perhaps it feels as if he is getting more intimate with you?

Yes, I feel like it is really seeming like a close friendship. He asks for my advice on his garden almost every session. We talk about our love of music every session. We talk about working out every session. He has even showed me pictures of his daugher , and old pictures of him and his family doing races and stuff. He told me he used to play the guitar, so much stuff I can't remember. He has told me personal medical stuff about him too. I know about his parents, siblings and their lives. I don't know to much about his wife except she is a teacher at a college. He did tell me last session he has been married 23 years, mostly happy.

>> By ‘likely responses’ I mean that he should know that a person with abuse issues is likely to feel a strong attachment to her therapist; in other words, that you are likely to feel he is very special. I think people with issues that are less personal can sometimes get through therapy without such strong feelings, but it seems to me that anyone with abuse issues is likely to experience very strong feelings about safety and trust, and therapists should probably be aware of that. But I don’t know whether the theory that therapists read is explicit about that…

Okay, I understand what you mean, now. He should know this stuff I would think, because he specializes in trama therapy.

>
> Well, it seems there’s not much point in having that kind of conversation. If you feel he is very special, then that’s simply how you feel and he has to deal with it. And if he feels you are very special, then that’s simply how he feels and he should take it to consultation with a colleague!

LOL, you are making me laugh! You are right though.
>
> The difficult thing is that it’s almost impossible to know whether a love affair would survive past the two year period. If you were to do it properly, you shouldn’t really have any contact after the end of therapy for two years. But 99 times out of 100 you won’t have the same feelings for him after two years of no contact. The transference that any woman would feel for any man she falls in love with usually won’t survive two years of no contact. I’ve always said I fell in love with my husband the day I met him, but I know it was largely transference and if I’d had to wait two years I probably would have found someone else (maybe I’m fickle). And if you spend two years waiting for your T and longing for him, it’s probably more obsession than love.

Yup, I think this is a good point. But then again how many relationships last anyways. It
seems like all relationship have the odds way against them lasting.

> Yeah, I reckon gay guys would like you too! Just don’t count on changing them (LOL!). What did your T say when you caught him looking at you?

LOL, nothing get past you! Well he just sort of shrugged his shoulders like "nothing" . It was a weird moment, because I was just chatting away looking out the window, and then looked at him, and he was just looking at me like I was the most beautiful thing he has ever seen. It almost took my breath away to be honest. All I could say was "what"? lol I am a little shy when in comes to stuff like that.
> I’ve always thought that if it’s meant to be it will work out, and things work out best if you don’t try too hard. At the moment there are a lot of things stacked against a relationship. He’s married, you’re married, he’s your therapist… it couldn’t be much harder if he were an alien from another planet. Even after therapy there are a lot of ethical issues. I do think it’s possible, but it’s by no means easy to establish a friendship (let alone a relationship) after therapy. There are some pretty stiff guidelines. I guess I would say it’s probably something you need to talk about in therapy, even though that might feel like you’re making it impossible. One thing I do know is that it’s horrible to find after termination that you long for something you’re not getting and you never took the opportunity to talk about it.

Yeah, I know about the things being stacked up against us. I guess I really don't care right now. I do have this connection to him that I can't explain. It is something I felt the first time I saw him . It is something that I sprititially feel. I have only felt it with my grandma, and old friend who died, and my new grandson. I really can't explain it in words. Then you know it is kinda of cosmic that we have so much in common, really wierd stuff too. Like we both own the same Grandma Moses print, which isn't common at all. (he has it in his waiting room. His sisters B-day is the same as mine, we run into the gym that one day. I didn't know he worked out there, and he is only there a couple days a month, and then to meet at the exact time. Then there was this instance were I went to a local garden that is about 3 hours away from my house, my DH refused to go, even for mothers day. Well I found out that it is in the same town that he grew up in, in fact he was home that day to see his mother. So we were only about 15 minutes from each other, 3 hours away from where we live. I could go on and on about these weird things and not so weird things.
>
> Fantasies are for enjoying! Sometimes they can also tell you something about yourself and open up areas of your sexuality that you never thought about before… I had an incredible fantasy about two men while I was in therapy, which was a real eye opener for me because I’d always though such ideas were very dangerous…

Hmmm. TWO men! WOW, now that sounds interesting! LOL

>> The real you is probably what he likes the most!
Yes. It’s always nice to hear the words. But if you can know without the words, that’s even better. If someone shows it without words, you know they really mean it.

You know you have just made my night, you are so sweet and nice. :)
>> Yeah. Treasure what you have. Every moment. The love that happens in therapy is so beautiful and so profound… it’s very special. It’s natural to hope for more, but if you can find comfort in what you have, then you’re already doing very well, I think!

Thanks, I think I will really think about this. How long was you in therapy with your exT? It sound like you are doing good too. :)

 

Re: Confused, need some advice, please help please » JenStar

Posted by happyflower on October 21, 2005, at 20:19:25

In reply to Re: Confused, need some advice, please help please » happyflower, posted by JenStar on October 21, 2005, at 19:29:01

> hi happyflower,
> I enjoy reading your posts, short or long!
Thanks! :)
> hmmmmm...it does sound like he has interest in you beyond the therapeutic relationship. Whether it's romantic, friendly, or something in-between is hard to say. But it's DEFINITELY more than the typical client!

Okay, thanks for seeing this. I just didn't know if I was reading too much into what he is doing and saying. Thanks for validating what I am thinking.
> If it were up to you to decide what happens, what do you most want out of this situation? I know he's cute and attractive, but I believe you've also said that you don't want him to interfere in your "real" life and "real" relationships. Would you want something to happen with him? If something DID happen, what would happen with therapy and with your family life?

Okay, if it was up to me, I would end my unhappy marriage. Start dating others including my T only if he left his wife, for a least a year or more. Then I would take my time on getting to know him on that level. Then I guess I would take it from there. As far as therapy goes, I am almost done with that, and If I need more, then I would go to another one. I think my T has helped me with the most difficult things that has hurt me in my life. I really think I am healed from all of that stuff and honesty, I think I can handle anything else that comes my way currently on my own. Yes, my kids would be hurt if their dad moved out. They would miss him really bad, and it would something to work on with them. But right now they are seeing their parents not happy with each other at all.
Our bad relationship is affecting them in a bad way right now. It is sad, I try not to let it happen, but they see right through it.

> Would you be OK with him attending a concert?
Yes, I would be flattered! LOL He warned me that me might dance in the asies and sing, go trumpets, play that music! LOL He even did the (very bad) dance for me! LOL
> take care and good luck,
Thanks Jen for your support. I am feeling so much better tonight! :)

 

Re: Confused, need some advice, please help please » happyflower

Posted by daisym on October 21, 2005, at 20:34:48

In reply to Re: Confused, need some advice, please help please » JenStar, posted by happyflower on October 21, 2005, at 20:19:25

I'm late to this thread though I have been reading. I guess I just want to add that it seems perfectly reasonable to feel how you are feeling: my therapist likes to say, "who wouldn't want to feel special?" And you know what? He does say he cares about me, that he worries and that what I feel for him is OK and special. And he says he is flattered and touched. And he does all this in a way that doesn't send me any mixed messages. I think I heard it described once (Lott?) as a hot house flower -- therapy love can survive only in the consulting room, but with in this setting it is a very beautiful thing indeed.

I like thinking about it that way. I'm glad you are feeling better.

What does your husband think about your therapist coming to the concert? I'm not sure mine would like it.

 

Re: Confused, need some advice, please help please » happyflower

Posted by Tamar on October 21, 2005, at 20:37:13

In reply to Re: Confused, need some advice, please help please » Tamar, posted by happyflower on October 21, 2005, at 20:07:11

> I am just joking, I appreciate every word you have to say. You just make a lot of sense out of all my nonscence. But now I am feeling a little weird knowing you are a teacher, and I can't spell anything right! LOL :)

I never think less of people for their spelling! And anyway, spelling online is a whole different thing; we’re all typing in a hurry. I make plenty of errors myself so I’m not about to criticise you!

> Yes, I feel like it is really seeming like a close friendship. He asks for my advice on his garden almost every session. We talk about our love of music every session. We talk about working out every session. He has even showed me pictures of his daugher , and old pictures of him and his family doing races and stuff. He told me he used to play the guitar, so much stuff I can't remember. He has told me personal medical stuff about him too. I know about his parents, siblings and their lives. I don't know to much about his wife except she is a teacher at a college. He did tell me last session he has been married 23 years, mostly happy.

Yeah, that’s quite a lot of disclosure. My therapist told me precisely three things about himself: he used to live in the city where I grew up, he used to smoke, and he’s related to someone who works near me (he only told me that in case I knew his relative; I didn’t)… I’m sure you really do have a lot in common with your therapist.

> Okay, I understand what you mean, now. He should know this stuff I would think, because he specializes in trama therapy.

That makes sense.

> Yup, I think this is a good point. But then again how many relationships last anyways. It
> seems like all relationship have the odds way against them lasting.

I think if relationships last beyond a couple of years it’s usually because both people want the same things, whether it’s marriage or careers or children or sci-fi conventions... whatever. But it’s a matter of basic life satisfaction. Mutual attraction just isn’t enough to hold a relationship together.

> LOL, nothing get past you! Well he just sort of shrugged his shoulders like "nothing" . It was a weird moment, because I was just chatting away looking out the window, and then looked at him, and he was just looking at me like I was the most beautiful thing he has ever seen. It almost took my breath away to be honest. All I could say was "what"? lol I am a little shy when in comes to stuff like that.

Wow! That must have been an amazing moment! Yeah, what can you say? I’d also have said “What?” It must have been lovely to see him looking at you like that. I remember my therapist looking at me once… he tilted his head to one side and licked his lips… To this day I keep telling myself he must have had sore lips, but frankly I don’t want to believe it…

> Yeah, I know about the things being stacked up against us. I guess I really don't care right now. I do have this connection to him that I can't explain. It is something I felt the first time I saw him . It is something that I sprititially feel. I have only felt it with my grandma, and old friend who died, and my new grandson. I really can't explain it in words. Then you know it is kinda of cosmic that we have so much in common, really wierd stuff too. Like we both own the same Grandma Moses print, which isn't common at all. (he has it in his waiting room. His sisters B-day is the same as mine, we run into the gym that one day. I didn't know he worked out there, and he is only there a couple days a month, and then to meet at the exact time. Then there was this instance were I went to a local garden that is about 3 hours away from my house, my DH refused to go, even for mothers day. Well I found out that it is in the same town that he grew up in, in fact he was home that day to see his mother. So we were only about 15 minutes from each other, 3 hours away from where we live. I could go on and on about these weird things and not so weird things.

I know the sort of thing you mean. My mother says she has that kind of connection with my first daughter, and my father says he has it with my second daughter. Life is full of these strange connections and when they stack up with one person, well, it can feel as if there’s something really important going on. I get that.

> Hmmm. TWO men! WOW, now that sounds interesting! LOL

Yeah… it’s just a fantasy though. I don’t think I’d act on it… unless my therapist and one of my colleagues – no! stop it! Bad Tamar!

> Thanks, I think I will really think about this. How long was you in therapy with your exT? It sound like you are doing good too. :)

Just six months. I want more. I’m still thinking I might go back one day…

Tamar

 

Thanks, JenStar and Dinah! (nm)

Posted by Tamar on October 21, 2005, at 20:39:19

In reply to I agree completely » JenStar, posted by Dinah on October 21, 2005, at 19:36:41

 

One obvious question remains: » happyflower

Posted by crazy teresa on October 21, 2005, at 20:59:23

In reply to Re: Confused, need some advice, please help please » JenStar, posted by happyflower on October 21, 2005, at 20:19:25

Is he bringing his wife to the concert?

 

Re: Confused, need some advice, please help please » daisym

Posted by happyflower on October 21, 2005, at 21:11:16

In reply to Re: Confused, need some advice, please help please » happyflower, posted by daisym on October 21, 2005, at 20:34:48

> I'm late to this thread though I have been reading. I guess I just want to add that it seems perfectly reasonable to feel how you are feeling: my therapist likes to say, "who wouldn't want to feel special?" And you know what? He does say he cares about me, that he worries and that what I feel for him is OK and special. And he says he is flattered and touched. And he does all this in a way that doesn't send me any mixed messages. I think I heard it described once (Lott?) as a hot house flower -- therapy love can survive only in the consulting room, but with in this setting it is a very beautiful thing indeed.

It is nice that your T can be honest about what he feels about you and even tell you. I feel like my T has conflicting feelings for me. I don't know if my T is sending mixed messages or not, or maybe I am just reading them that way because I am attracted to him.

> What does your husband think about your therapist coming to the concert? I'm not sure mine would like it.

I told my DH that he was my T might come. I don't know how he feels about it because honestly we haven't had a conversation in months about anything important. He mentioned once that he thought my T had a thing for me, but he has also said that about my trumpet teacher too, and other guys I come into contact with like my allergist.
I told my trumpet teacher, and he was impressed, he said his T would never come to on of his concerts. LOL

 

Re: One obvious question remains: » crazy teresa

Posted by happyflower on October 21, 2005, at 21:14:06

In reply to One obvious question remains: » happyflower, posted by crazy teresa on October 21, 2005, at 20:59:23

> Is he bringing his wife to the concert?
>
LOL!!!! Now I wondered about that, especially since it is at the university that she teaches at! LOL Now another question is, Does he say hey I am going to see one of my clients play in a concert, and by the way it is a she, and I am attracted to her. I wonder if he would tell his wife, and what he would say to her about it. HMMMMM>>>

 

Re: One obvious question remains:(crazyT)

Posted by happyflower on October 21, 2005, at 21:17:14

In reply to Re: One obvious question remains: » crazy teresa, posted by happyflower on October 21, 2005, at 21:14:06

Now if he did bring his wife, I think my fantasies would be totally crushed to pieces. I don't know maybe she could get run over by a bus or something. I know that isn't very nice, now is it.

 

Re: One obvious question remains: » happyflower

Posted by JenStar on October 21, 2005, at 21:49:47

In reply to Re: One obvious question remains: » crazy teresa, posted by happyflower on October 21, 2005, at 21:14:06

Maybe you'll figure out more about the attraction thing based on whether he brings his wife/kids/etc.

If he DOES bring them all, then maybe he is trying to be as friendly as he can because he likes you, but still wants to stay within the boundaries. Maybe he'll bring the wife as a reminder to himself to stay "good."

If he does NOT bring her...if he comes alone...well, that will raise more questions than it answers! :)

Would it be weird to introduce him to your hubby and friends and band-mates? How do you think that would go?

This is a very unique situation. I hope you don't get hurt in all this. It's fun to hear about, but above all I hope that he treats you with respect and doesn't hurt you!

JenStar

 

Re: One obvious question remains: » JenStar

Posted by happyflower on October 21, 2005, at 22:27:08

In reply to Re: One obvious question remains: » happyflower, posted by JenStar on October 21, 2005, at 21:49:47

> Maybe you'll figure out more about the attraction thing based on whether he brings his wife/kids/etc.
Hey Jen!
Well his only kid is his daughter, and she is away at college. So I guess that just leaves his wife and I don't know much about her. It does seem to me by all the stuff he has said about himself and his family, it seems like they do a lot of things apart. I am even questioning if he is really married or separated. Because when I first started therapy, he had a wedding ring on I think, but he does not wear one now. I don't know when he stopped wearing it though, I don't know even if it means anything. I guess he could tell me he is married, and still be separated from her, right? Who knows, I know I am putting the cart in front of the horse.

The concert will be interesting, because my stepdaugher and her husband might come too. I think I wouldn't have a problem introducing him to them, but my SD doesn't know I am in therapy, and I wouldn't say how I know him, of course my DH would reconize his name. My kids have already met him months ago. But my T said in the public, he allows the client to make the first move at a conversation, so I guess it would be up to me to introduce him.
He also said he would wear his T disguse so I won't see him! LOL But if he starts dancing and singing in the isle like he said he would, I think I won't be introducing him to anyone I know. LOL


 

Thanks everyone! :)

Posted by happyflower on October 21, 2005, at 23:46:41

In reply to Re: One obvious question remains: » JenStar, posted by happyflower on October 21, 2005, at 22:27:08

I feel much better now that I got all of this off my chest and ran all of it by you. Hey, if you live in the Midwest, wana come to the concert and spy on my T for me? LOL :) Come see all the drama for yourself! LOL

 

Re: One obvious question remains:

Posted by Dinah on October 22, 2005, at 10:37:36

In reply to One obvious question remains: » happyflower, posted by crazy teresa on October 21, 2005, at 20:59:23

Ouch. That might hurt.

My therapist recently, not in our usual setting but in one of the temporary ones, was finishing up a phone conversation with his wife as I walked in a minute or so early. Among other things, I heard him casually tell her he loved her as he rang off.

To this day I can't figure out why that bothered me. He says all the time that he loves his wife and daughter. I'm glad he does, because that gives me added security that he won't leave town which he might do if his marriage failed. And of course I want him to be happy.

But it did bother me. I felt an immediate "ouch" and a hint of tears. Danged if I know why. Maybe it was just the casualness of it, and knowing that I've told him I loved him a million times but that he could never say it to me even if he felt it because of the possibility for misunderstandings of what "love" meant.

Danged words with multiple meanings.

I can only imagine that in this situation it would hurt even worse.

Do you think you could ask one of those non-questions about whether she was coming? "I hope your wife enjoys this sort of music. I'd hate for her to be bored." That sort of thing.

It might also be a doorway into talking about the situation in general.

 

Re: Confused, need some advice, please help please » happyflower

Posted by antigua on October 22, 2005, at 12:01:37

In reply to Re: Confused, need some advice, please help please, posted by happyflower on October 21, 2005, at 15:24:51

No, I don't think it's wrong at all. I know my T cares about me tremendously and that I am special to her. I know that we will be friends when this is all over. But we're same sex--I'm just worried about the sexual feelings, etc. that are coming along with your male T. But no, there is nothing wrong with his words at all, IMO. It's just whether either of you is thinking beyond them, and you should maybe try to bring that out into the open. It could kill the fantasy (not saying it will), but you would have the strength of knowing you are hearing the truth.
best,
antigua

 

Re: Confused, need some advice, please help please » Tamar

Posted by antigua on October 22, 2005, at 12:05:31

In reply to Re: Confused, need some advice, please help please » happyflower, posted by Tamar on October 21, 2005, at 16:54:29

That was a great post.
antigua

 

Re: Confused, need some advice, please help please » happyflower

Posted by fairywings on October 22, 2005, at 15:14:50

In reply to Confused, need some advice, please help please, posted by happyflower on October 21, 2005, at 14:25:15

Hi happy,

i think you should enjoy what you have with your T and enjoy the fact that he wants to come to see you play. you obviously enjoy his company, and he enjoys yours, and that's wonderful. you've asked him why he wants to come to see you play, and he had some trouble with that, so unless it's going to bother you, i'd let it go, and let him come. it's great that you've gotten to the point where your life is so full you don't feel the need for therapy as much, and it's great that you see him at the gym, and i know that makes you a happy flower! ; )

you may never know why he wants to go to a concert, but maybe one day he'll be able to tell you.
fw

 

Re: Confused, need some advice, please help please » Tamar

Posted by fairywings on October 22, 2005, at 15:15:39

In reply to Re: Confused, need some advice, please help please » happyflower, posted by Tamar on October 21, 2005, at 16:54:29

Tamar i love your insightfulness and honesty, both are so nice to hear.
fw

 

Re: One obvious question remains: » Dinah

Posted by happyflower on October 22, 2005, at 18:48:31

In reply to Re: One obvious question remains:, posted by Dinah on October 22, 2005, at 10:37:36

Thanks for your caring concern Dinah. ;) I feel I might be a little jeolous of his wife, but if she came to the concert, it wouldn't hurt me . Deep down, I know this relationship with him will probably just turn into a friendly casual thing where we might chat a bit when we run into each other, but I guess we are at that point already. You know if he is happily married, well he is a special guy who deserves that happiness. I think I could be happy for him in that case. You know to me, if he was to cheat on his wife with me, I would lose respect for him very fast.

Tonight, I just feel happy to have met him, he helped change my life, and that should be good enough for me, and I think it is. If something more came out of it, than that would be the icing on the top, if it came about in proper ways.

He is such a well rounded, intelligent guy, who is funny and and likes to have fun, and I think I will always find his little boy charm attractive to me. So I am just glad I know him. :) I am just glad that I might still see him even after therapy is over. I feel lucky for that, if will help me move on from therapy easier. Thanks Dinah, I don't want to worry you, I am okay. :)

 

Re: Confused, need some advice, please help please » antigua

Posted by happyflower on October 22, 2005, at 18:55:05

In reply to Re: Confused, need some advice, please help please » happyflower, posted by antigua on October 22, 2005, at 12:01:37

Thanks Antigua,
I think my T likes me and cares about me at least as a client, but I just wish I could hear him say it.
Yes, there is some mutual attraction between us, not just sexual either, but it is there, we both feel it. I still feel that in spite of that, we still worked well together and accomplished a lot in my therapy. I guess at the very end of therapy "our relationship" might be a subject we talk about. I think it is really up to him on what that relationship will be.


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