Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 570049

Shown: posts 1 to 25 of 27. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

So I went to the doctor…

Posted by Tamar on October 21, 2005, at 18:12:29

Yesterday… had to have a bunch of internal stuff done… pap smear and suchlike. I’ve been trying to find the strength to do it for months. In fact, I posted about it a few months ago and you all gave me lots of good advice.

I cried all the way through it. I felt sick to begin with and as soon as the doctor touched me I started crying. I took my husband with me and he held my hand the whole time. I couldn’t believe how triggering it was. And of course because I wasn’t relaxed it was extremely painful.

I’m glad it’s over. But in a way I think it’s a good thing I bawled through the whole thing. Better than dissociating, better than trying to pretend it didn’t bother me… Not comfortable for the doctor, and I didn’t explain much at first, but I figure if she’s never seen it before, it’s probably time she did. I told her I had flashbacks and she asked if it was about childbirth and I said no it was other stuff, and then I think it became pretty obvious…

We went for a stroll around a gallery afterwards. It was nice to get some beautiful images in my head.

I desperately want to talk to my ex-therapist about it. I’m in the transference / attachment hole again…

 

Re: So I went to the doctor… » Tamar

Posted by orchid on October 21, 2005, at 18:27:08

In reply to So I went to the doctor…, posted by Tamar on October 21, 2005, at 18:12:29

((((Tamar))))

I understand how painful it must have been for you after the violent incidence in the past.

It must have been horrible. I am glad your husband came with you and that you went to a female doctor instead of a male for the test. I think it was a very wise decision.

I understand your longing to see your ex T since he was the one who helped you with it. Do you have any way of reconnecting with him? Maybe google him? Googling might give some peace and probably will make you feel connected to him if you get to read something about him.

Or you can do what you did before - write an imaginary letter and don't post or post it here.

Hang in there and I am glad you got the courage to do it.

I think you should also perhaps continue some form of therapy - either with the same therapist or with some one else, if it is still such a huge trigger for you.

((Tamar))

 

Re: So I went to the doctor…

Posted by Angela2 on October 21, 2005, at 18:51:43

In reply to So I went to the doctor…, posted by Tamar on October 21, 2005, at 18:12:29

I agree about the crying. Sometimes It's better to be honest about our feelings. And bringing your husband in sounds like a good idea too.

 

Re: So I went to the doctor… » Tamar

Posted by daisym on October 21, 2005, at 19:06:30

In reply to So I went to the doctor…, posted by Tamar on October 21, 2005, at 18:12:29

I'm glad you finally went. Taking care of yourself is a big part of healing from your trauma. I'm sure that your need for your therapist was equally triggered by all this and it may settle down again as the waves of emotion receed. But you've been talking about this one and off...is it time to restart? What does you husband think?

He sounds very cool, btw. Not too many men who would go to the Gyno with their wife, except for prenatal check ups. He gets a big thumbs up from me. :)

Take care of yourself this weekend. Don't push, sleep late and eat chocolate. Not necessarily in that order.

Hugs from me,
Daisy

 

Re: So I went to the doctor…

Posted by happyflower on October 21, 2005, at 19:06:37

In reply to Re: So I went to the doctor…, posted by Angela2 on October 21, 2005, at 18:51:43

((((( Tamar)))))) I don't know what has exactly happened in your past, but I have a good idea by what you have just posted. I hate those exam and nothing bad has happened to me in that area. I just had my pap down a couple of months ago, and it had been over 5 years. I am glad you have a supportive DH to go with you. I am sure it made it easier for the OBGYN too and she must of knew something was up for your DH to be there. I think it is good that you cried too, do you think you can do it again next year, or was it just too hard?

 

Re: So I went to the doctor… » Tamar

Posted by Dinah on October 21, 2005, at 19:12:31

In reply to So I went to the doctor…, posted by Tamar on October 21, 2005, at 18:12:29

I'm glad you did what you needed to do to take care of yourself. I'm sorry it caused you such pain.

I am sooo impressed at the level of trust between you and your husband. That he understood and was there for you was wonderful. I'm glad you have a relationship like that in your life.

It seems reasonable that you would want your therapist right now on any number of levels. Both because you needed him, and I rather hope also because you would like to share your pride in what you accomplished together.

 

great job! :) » Tamar

Posted by JenStar on October 21, 2005, at 19:21:34

In reply to So I went to the doctor…, posted by Tamar on October 21, 2005, at 18:12:29

Tamar, congratulations on doing it and making it through! :) That's great! I'm glad you were able to confront such a difficult situation for yourself and get it done. And how wonderful that your hubby went with you for support.

Good for you!

JenStr

 

Re: So I went to the doctor… » orchid

Posted by Tamar on October 21, 2005, at 19:36:46

In reply to Re: So I went to the doctor… » Tamar, posted by orchid on October 21, 2005, at 18:27:08

Thanks Orchid,

That’s good advice about googling my ex-T. You’re so right: it really makes me feel connected, even though there’s almost nothing about him out there, except of course his home address :) And I think an imaginary letter would help too!

Yeah, the female doctor was a good idea. I’d never met her before. She was a very down-to-earth, practical woman who made me feel as much at ease as possible under the circumstances. I had the procedure done at a volunteer centre, so I’m pretty sure she’s seen everything before!

I’m on a waiting list for marriage therapy, so I’ll wait for that and see how things work out.

Thanks again,
Tamar

 

Re: So I went to the doctor… » Angela2

Posted by Tamar on October 21, 2005, at 19:38:13

In reply to Re: So I went to the doctor…, posted by Angela2 on October 21, 2005, at 18:51:43

> I agree about the crying. Sometimes It's better to be honest about our feelings. And bringing your husband in sounds like a good idea too.

It's funny how a good cry can help, isn't it? I think I may start allowing myself to cry more often. It can be embarrassing, but it's definitely better than trying to wall off all emotion...

Thanks,
Tamar

 

Re: So I went to the doctor… » daisym

Posted by Tamar on October 21, 2005, at 19:44:59

In reply to Re: So I went to the doctor… » Tamar, posted by daisym on October 21, 2005, at 19:06:30

> I'm glad you finally went. Taking care of yourself is a big part of healing from your trauma. I'm sure that your need for your therapist was equally triggered by all this and it may settle down again as the waves of emotion receed. But you've been talking about this one and off...is it time to restart? What does you husband think?

We’re on a waiting list for marriage therapy, so I’m hoping that will help… Maybe after that, if things still aren’t right, I’ll go back to my ex-therapist. It’s starting to feel more possible. Today I had a nap and I was thinking about talking to him about the transference stuff and for the first time I was able to imagine talking about it without becoming completely terrified. Progress!

> He sounds very cool, btw. Not too many men who would go to the Gyno with their wife, except for prenatal check ups. He gets a big thumbs up from me. :)

He is very cool. I didn’t even ask him; can you believe it? I told him I had made the appointment and he guessed that it would be a big deal for me and arranged to take the day off so that he could come with me if I wanted him too. He really is a sweetie.

> Take care of yourself this weekend. Don't push, sleep late and eat chocolate. Not necessarily in that order.

I am really *really* looking forward to the chocolate in particular! It’s always good to be advised to eat chocolate!

Many thanks,
Tamar

 

Re: So I went to the doctor… » happyflower

Posted by Tamar on October 21, 2005, at 19:51:23

In reply to Re: So I went to the doctor…, posted by happyflower on October 21, 2005, at 19:06:37

> ((((( Tamar)))))) I don't know what has exactly happened in your past, but I have a good idea by what you have just posted.

General bad stuff. Mainly being raped by a couple of guys when I was a teenager… and a few other things…

> I hate those exam and nothing bad has happened to me in that area. I just had my pap down a couple of months ago, and it had been over 5 years.

It’s never a barrel of laughs, is it? I think it’s time someone came up with some new technology, like a blood test or perhaps a saliva test…

> I am glad you have a supportive DH to go with you. I am sure it made it easier for the OBGYN too and she must of knew something was up for your DH to be there. I think it is good that you cried too,

You have a good point. I was really insistent that he had to stay so they must have guessed. And yes, the crying was a good thing!

> do you think you can do it again next year, or was it just too hard?

Ah, if only I could wait until next year! I have to go back in six weeks to get the IUD checked. Another day, another speculum…

I’m hoping it will be OK. I may take my husband, or I might ask a friend. But having done it once, I feel I can face it again, with a bit of support.

Thanks Happyflower.

Tamar

 

Re: So I went to the doctor… » Dinah

Posted by Tamar on October 21, 2005, at 20:08:43

In reply to Re: So I went to the doctor… » Tamar, posted by Dinah on October 21, 2005, at 19:12:31

Thanks Dinah.

> I am sooo impressed at the level of trust between you and your husband. That he understood and was there for you was wonderful. I'm glad you have a relationship like that in your life.

Yeah, I am too. He’s a good guy. A year ago I’m not sure it would have been possible… but things have become so much better since I did therapy.

> It seems reasonable that you would want your therapist right now on any number of levels. Both because you needed him, and I rather hope also because you would like to share your pride in what you accomplished together.

You’re absolutely right. There is some pride in a good job well done. If it were something less intimate I might write to him and tell him, but I’m a bit reticent under the circumstances!

Thanks again.

Tamar


 

Re: great job! :) » JenStar

Posted by Tamar on October 21, 2005, at 20:10:40

In reply to great job! :) » Tamar, posted by JenStar on October 21, 2005, at 19:21:34

Thanks JenStar!

> Tamar, congratulations on doing it and making it through! :) That's great! I'm glad you were able to confront such a difficult situation for yourself and get it done. And how wonderful that your hubby went with you for support.

Yeah, I’m feeling rather pleased. And not least because I’ve had it hanging over my head for eight months… finally it’s sorted out!

Thanks again,
Tamar

 

****possible trigger in this thread****

Posted by gardenergirl on October 21, 2005, at 23:47:52

In reply to Re: great job! :) » JenStar, posted by Tamar on October 21, 2005, at 20:10:40

Hi Tamar,
I hope you don't mind me putting the trigger warning up. Just a tiny bit of something in one of the replies is soemthing that can sometimes trigger me, so I thought I'd flag it. No worries, though.

And more importantly...wowsa. Good for you for facing this challenge, and getting through it. Good use of support. I'm sorry it was so painful, but I hope you feel some pride and relief for facing the fear.

(((tamar)))

gg

 

((((((Tamar))))))

Posted by wildcard on October 22, 2005, at 1:35:27

In reply to ****possible trigger in this thread****, posted by gardenergirl on October 21, 2005, at 23:47:52

What you went through is hell after any form of sexual abuse. I disassociated my 1st time and I wish I could have cried. It is a lot better for you to help begin to cleanse your soul. You found the strength and did it though...You are stronger than you credit yourself for! I am always here for you and your hubby sounds very supportive. Please take care and take it day by day.

 

Re: So I went to the doctor… » Tamar

Posted by Annierose on October 22, 2005, at 7:26:24

In reply to So I went to the doctor…, posted by Tamar on October 21, 2005, at 18:12:29

My previous post never showed up : -(

So we were both brave today!! You were super duper with everything on it type of brave!

When we climb a mountain the first time, the second time won't be as difficult. You did GREAT!
And it's so important to take care of our health too.

 

Re: So I went to the doctor… » Tamar

Posted by fairywings on October 22, 2005, at 14:48:44

In reply to So I went to the doctor…, posted by Tamar on October 21, 2005, at 18:12:29

hi tamar, i'm glad you were able to get the courage to go to the gyn, what an incredibly stressful situation. you're right though, it's probably a good thing for gyn's to see how it is for someone who has past issues that affect an exam so much, and that they need to be extra sensitive all the time just in case.

i'm glad your dh went with you, and that you found some comfort in the gallery afterwards.
fw

 

Re: So I went to the doctor… » Tamar

Posted by Poet on October 22, 2005, at 17:40:37

In reply to So I went to the doctor…, posted by Tamar on October 21, 2005, at 18:12:29

Hi Tamar,

Your husband is incredible! He gets a round of applause for his support. Bravo!

I get so tense that it's hard for the doctor to do a pap, so I know how much it can hurt. It's okay that you cried. I'm sure the doctor has had patients cry during paps before.

You did it. I am proud of you.

Poet

 

Re: So I went to the doctor… » Tamar

Posted by Damos on October 22, 2005, at 22:32:32

In reply to So I went to the doctor…, posted by Tamar on October 21, 2005, at 18:12:29

I'm incredibly proud of you Tamar. Every woman I know says how horrible that is at the best of times, so I think you were just so brave. Big tick for hubby from me too.

(((((Tamar)))))

 

Re: ****possible trigger in this thread**** » gardenergirl

Posted by Tamar on October 23, 2005, at 12:32:26

In reply to ****possible trigger in this thread****, posted by gardenergirl on October 21, 2005, at 23:47:52

Thanks GG, and thanks for adding the trigger.

Yeah, it was good to face it and know I could do it. I guess it was good to discover that I don’t have to be macho to survive!

Tamar


 

Re: ((((((Tamar)))))) » wildcard

Posted by Tamar on October 23, 2005, at 12:35:57

In reply to ((((((Tamar)))))), posted by wildcard on October 22, 2005, at 1:35:27

> What you went through is hell after any form of sexual abuse. I disassociated my 1st time and I wish I could have cried. It is a lot better for you to help begin to cleanse your soul. You found the strength and did it though...You are stronger than you credit yourself for! I am always here for you and your hubby sounds very supportive. Please take care and take it day by day.

Thank you wildcard. Yeah, I think I used to dissociate on previous occasions and it seemed to make it easier to get through it. But ultimately I think dissociating can be a bit retraumatising (for me anyway). I guess I’m just going to keep shamelessly bawling. I’m still feeling a little bit wobbly but I feel as if I’m dealing with it rather than trying to run away…

Thanks again
Tamar

 

Re: So I went to the doctor… » Annierose

Posted by Tamar on October 23, 2005, at 12:42:02

In reply to Re: So I went to the doctor… » Tamar, posted by Annierose on October 22, 2005, at 7:26:24

> My previous post never showed up : -(

Argh! I hate it when the ether monster eats my posts!

> So we were both brave today!! You were super duper with everything on it type of brave!

Hey, you were super duper brave too. Y’know, there was stuff I never had the courage to tell my T, so I know you’re really brave!

> When we climb a mountain the first time, the second time won't be as difficult. You did GREAT!

You’re right – the next time should be easier. At least I feel as though I can do it again. You too, with your mountain?

> And it's so important to take care of our health too.

Somehow I kept forgetting that in all the angst about the procedure. But now I definitely feel more relaxed to know that I’m taking care of myself.

Thanks, Annierose!
Tamar

 

Re: So I went to the doctor… » fairywings

Posted by Tamar on October 23, 2005, at 12:45:13

In reply to Re: So I went to the doctor… » Tamar, posted by fairywings on October 22, 2005, at 14:48:44

Thanks, fairywings.

> hi tamar, i'm glad you were able to get the courage to go to the gyn, what an incredibly stressful situation. you're right though, it's probably a good thing for gyn's to see how it is for someone who has past issues that affect an exam so much, and that they need to be extra sensitive all the time just in case.

Yeah, I think you’re right. They do need to be able to handle it. I got the impression that the doctor was a little surprised but she seemed to take it in her stride. She shook my hand at the end, which surprised me! Maybe she does that with everyone, but somehow I had the feeling it was a kind of gesture of support…

> i'm glad your dh went with you, and that you found some comfort in the gallery afterwards.

Yeah, the gallery was great. And my husband is great too!

Thanks again
Tamar

 

Re: So I went to the doctor… » Poet

Posted by Tamar on October 23, 2005, at 12:48:39

In reply to Re: So I went to the doctor… » Tamar, posted by Poet on October 22, 2005, at 17:40:37

> Your husband is incredible! He gets a round of applause for his support. Bravo!

He is definitely a good guy!

> I get so tense that it's hard for the doctor to do a pap, so I know how much it can hurt. It's okay that you cried. I'm sure the doctor has had patients cry during paps before.

Yeah, it’s really sore. And no matter how much they tell you to relax it doesn’t really help. I heard one time about a doctor who had a poster of George Clooney taped to the ceiling… I don’t know if it would help much, but it might help a little!

> You did it. I am proud of you.

Thanks, Poet!

Tamar

 

Re: So I went to the doctor… » Damos

Posted by Tamar on October 23, 2005, at 13:02:33

In reply to Re: So I went to the doctor… » Tamar, posted by Damos on October 22, 2005, at 22:32:32

> I'm incredibly proud of you Tamar. Every woman I know says how horrible that is at the best of times, so I think you were just so brave. Big tick for hubby from me too.
>
> (((((Tamar)))))

Thanks Damos. Yeah, I don’t know any women who enjoy it. I’m sure there must be a way to make it less unpleasant... maybe a general anaesthetic… :)

Thanks again
Tamar



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