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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by wildcard on October 21, 2005, at 5:22:57
>I cannot feel any positive emotion towards anyone IRL except my two boys. I was the most caring, compassionate and loving person before my rape (3 1/2 years now), and attempt where I was actually claimed *gone*. I feel numb and I don't understand. I have only started to communicate w/ others at all on babble as I have shut myself off from the *real world*. I feel lost and scared that I may never find myself again. I have studied psych in college and I'm thinking that this is a defense mechanism. If I do not open up or trust, I cannot be hurt. Realistically, I know that is not true. Has anyone else felt this way? Any input?
Posted by B2chica on October 21, 2005, at 9:55:44
In reply to Defense Mechanism? trigger, posted by wildcard on October 21, 2005, at 5:22:57
every minute of every day for as long as i can remember.
my mind echos "never trust anyone". if i tell them secrets they'll tell others or use my own words to hurt me.
if i get to close i'll have to deal with their hurt along with mine, i'll have to open up, i'll have to reveal myself and am EXTREMELY uncomfortable with all that.i know these are probably irrational but that's something i need to work out in therapy.
i hope you can work yours out also. the more you love the more love you feel. and it's a wonderful feeling.
as hard as it may be, i think you should hit this head on and talk about your rape to your therapist. all the emotions you have around it, the anger, the guilt, the what if's, the weak and the strength you've found in yourself.
i wish you the best.
b2c.
Posted by antigua on October 21, 2005, at 11:19:05
In reply to Re: Defense Mechanism? trigger, posted by B2chica on October 21, 2005, at 9:55:44
did you read my mind?
I feel exactly the same way.
antigua
Posted by Maynerd on October 21, 2005, at 11:53:08
In reply to Defense Mechanism? trigger, posted by wildcard on October 21, 2005, at 5:22:57
While it is hard to determine for sure, it sure sounds like an avoidance DM to me, at least on the surface. It can also be a form of repression with your mind locking away all your emotions because dealing with the painful emotions involved with your rape. I have dealt with similar emotional problems caused by physical and emotional violations from my past so I can totally understand what you are going through. I finally went to a T for help, which was the best thing I ever did. She helped me to confront those long suppressed emotions in a safe environment and helped me to learn how to accept and deal with them. Get help, the inner suffering only gets worse. Know that you are not alone, you are loved.
Posted by Tamar on October 21, 2005, at 16:02:42
In reply to Defense Mechanism? trigger, posted by wildcard on October 21, 2005, at 5:22:57
> >I cannot feel any positive emotion towards anyone IRL except my two boys. I was the most caring, compassionate and loving person before my rape (3 1/2 years now), and attempt where I was actually claimed *gone*. I feel numb and I don't understand. I have only started to communicate w/ others at all on babble as I have shut myself off from the *real world*. I feel lost and scared that I may never find myself again. I have studied psych in college and I'm thinking that this is a defense mechanism. If I do not open up or trust, I cannot be hurt. Realistically, I know that is not true. Has anyone else felt this way? Any input?
Hi Wildcard,
Yes, I’ve felt that way too. I did other things to ‘protect’ myself as well: I gained a lot of weight in the hope that I would become somehow invisible. And I avoid conflict as much as possible (except when I go the other way and start looking for fights…).
I’m starting to realise that there’s a lot of anger that I’m trying to keep inside because expressing it would be too frightening. And I also don’t like to express when I’m feeling hurt because I’m afraid people will then know they can hurt me and will deliberately try to hurt me.
Trying to admit the extent of the anger and the hurt is an ongoing challenge for me. I tend to find I get triggered and respond with anger way out of proportion to the situation I’m in… But I find that if I’m able to express some of the anger and hurt I feel about being raped (instead of about the triggers) then I usually have a few days of feeling more balanced.
The difficulty is finding people I can trust enough to talk about all that anger and pain… Whenever we talk about it we take a bit of a risk. If you can find someone you can trust with a little bit of it, perhaps you will be able to trust them with a little more, until eventually you find yourself more able to talk… That’s what is working for me, anyway.
Hope that’s of some help.
Tamar
Posted by wildcard on October 21, 2005, at 17:51:30
In reply to Re: Defense Mechanism? trigger » wildcard, posted by Tamar on October 21, 2005, at 16:02:42
Thank you for your input. I know that part of my inability to show or accept affection is a DM. I just wondered if Effexor is playing a role also. I quit it before and could feel but after 45 days, became very depressed again so I restarted immediately. It is the only AD to work so far. My doc recently added Wellbutrin for the residual depression/anxiety and I also take Klonopin. My T quit and since I go through the state, I have to take what is available. The T they assigned me to is awful!! I have asked for a change but so far, no luck. I will just continue to keep my head above water and demand another T. For some reason I was really bothered by the assault today? Also, does anyone have nightmares to the point that you have scratched your face, etc., before waking up? Thank you again.
Posted by crazy teresa on October 21, 2005, at 20:36:37
In reply to Re: Defense Mechanism? trigger, posted by wildcard on October 21, 2005, at 17:51:30
Your sons are so lucky to have you! I wish there was something I could do to help you.
when dealing with the state: sqeaky wheels get oiled.
This is the end of the thread.
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