Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 569236

Shown: posts 1 to 25 of 52. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

(Unrequited/sort of) Love with my Therapist

Posted by allisonross on October 20, 2005, at 9:02:40

PLEASE stay with me? I have breathtaking, exquisite, excruciating feelings and am in love with my T (I would have been attracted/fallen in love with him if I had met him anywhere else---as I told him---it has little to do with his skills, and everything to do with who he is; we are soulmates, and I told him that HE is ME in male form! This will be long (can ya stay and read it all? (Bearing my soul/life story here of 41 years of abuse), but my focus is on falling in love with my T.....Been with him for 3 years...went for a kind of abuse I had never heard of: Spiritual Abuse (you can read the whole sordid story on www.psychiatricjournal.com..entitled: The Transcendent Child on Overcoming Verbal and Spiritual Abuse)...published with the Ph.D.'s no less!! Voted out of a 31 year church membership, cause I got a divorce (then let the x live with me for 4 years afterwards); my t journeyed with me for the 18 months I fought the system, and taught me the most valuable words I'd ever heard: Restorative Justice--this is what you did...this is how it made me feel...so empowering to someone (except for 3 years in the army) abused for a lifetime..(my name was put up on a big screen in front of church, followed by the words: CONDUCT UNBECOMING A CHILD OF GOD; just one of the pleasantries I endured; but I fought on, trying to stop the pastor of disaster from counseling any more women because 2 of them wanted to commit suicide)..As far as I am concerned he is the best on the planet (I told him so), and he agrees, LOL, LOL!! I've always been able to make something beautiful come from the ashes, and the result of the church debacle: www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com (faith-based poems of anguish, healing, hope and comfort came pouring from my wounded soul...my t said it sounded as if "God was dictating the words to me." Okay, now on to the the falling in love stuff! After a year, I knew I was in love with him; I got the courage to tell him.......my friends tell me I have steel ba**s.....LOL!! Kinda silly not to write the word out, i think; silly me......anyway, we have had many discussions on the matter (one incident where I was really angry, and we talked and processed it, and it was wonderful!!)......it is incredibly, excruciatingly, painful...I could write a whole book on what has happened in the 3 years ...I will just give the Reader's Digest Version here....... He hugged me (I am a huggy, kissy, touchy-feely person) for over a year, and then stopped, because he didn't want it to "feel too good." Hmm..obviously it did? I have some incredible websites, etc., articles on how the therapy process has become mechanical/cold and downright cruel; if someone needs a hug; they should have it; we are all human, no matter what......this one particular (can't remember name right now) article opened up my eyes so wide, and I wish every therapist/client could read it; it make sense!! It talks about the therapy profession has been so sanitized, regulated, etc, etc.....I will find the site and post it tomorrow......anyway....I finally got the courage to tell me 2 I thought that HE had feelings for me......His answer: "I am deeply in love with my wife." I don't doubt it, but I realized later....he didn't answer my question.....I believe he loves me (100's of reasons why), but he is a person of such integrity, etc.....I said why couldn;t he be honest, and he said: "you mean....forthcoming....you want to hear my heart?" He's 1 of the most brilliant men I've ever known (not because I am in love with him, either LOL).......There's tons I could write here about bending the boundaries, but not ready to tell all, LOL!! He said that his colleagues would tell him to "run fast and far" but he will never abandon me (every man in my life failed/abandoned me; beginning with my father--never knew him; met him when I was in my 30's)........he sez he "falls in love with all of his clients"----I know he has to say that.......and so....i live with the incredible pain of unrequited love....(ex-husband being gone now for 5 months, and adjusting well!)....My T did something i thought was so incredibly loving and sensitive; only a few days after my divorce at our appointment, he got up, sat next to me (not touching); and we just sat there.....he was feeling compassion for my pain; I told him that the urge to move over and have him put his arm around me was so strong, but I have always kept my boundaries.....hey, how much longer can I keep this up; we tease and play, but also (as he said) "do good work together." After we discussed the me being in love with him, he felt it would work despite my feelings......we can discuss anything; that is the amazing situation...Bottom line? I believe he loves me...... ...I cannot help my feelings, only what I DO about them, and I DO want to......DO! (But i haven't) LOL......Love to hear from anyone in this situation

 

Re: (Unrequited/sort of) Love with my Therapist allisonross

Posted by fairywings on October 20, 2005, at 9:31:33

In reply to (Unrequited/sort of) Love with my Therapist, posted by allisonross on October 20, 2005, at 9:02:40

Hi Allison,

I'm sorry for all the abuse you suffered, why do ppl do such hateful things in the name of god? It's not godlike at all.

You're so blessed to have found such a wonderful T, he does sound incredible to say that he falls in love with all of his clients. Nice to know someone cares so deeply for ppl. I wouldn't be surprised if your T loves you, but he's also at great risk if he ever put those feelings into action. I know you know that, but I just thought I'd say it anyway. If he's talked to other professionals about it, he must see it as an issue for himself, and probably for your well being too. If he's married and deeply commited to his wife, and he has his ethics to look after, then hopefully you can get to another place in your relationship with him. I'm glad that you feel so good about your relationship though.

fw

 

To:FW: (Unrequited/sort of) Love with my Therapist

Posted by allisonross on October 20, 2005, at 14:09:06

In reply to Re: (Unrequited/sort of) Love with my Therapist allisonross, posted by fairywings on October 20, 2005, at 9:31:33

Dear Fairy-Wings (That's interesting, cause ---one of my nicknames is: Fairy-child (I tend to live in the moment; love ballet, music; spend money like there is no tomorrow, be very adventuous, LOL)........thank you for your sweet message........Unfortunately, there is no way to lessen the pain of unrequited love (we discuss it in depth, etc); he says he is afraid i will "hate him" because every man in my life has failed/abandoned me......Yes, i believe he loves me (as in....like a man loves a woman); we are all capable of loving more than one person; even tho I believe he loves his wife; there are things he has said...; so there is a reason I believe this (not just a wishful thinking fantasy thing) that......will write more later....thank you so much for writing....this is my 1st time here...hugs, alice

 

Re: To:FW: (Unrequited/sort of) Love with my Therapist allisonross

Posted by Susan47 on October 20, 2005, at 19:45:46

In reply to To:FW: (Unrequited/sort of) Love with my Therapist, posted by allisonross on October 20, 2005, at 14:09:06

I know it's easy to believe what you think and what you feel about your therapist is real, no matter what he says. Would it make you feel awful if you realized that what he meant when he said hugging might feel too good, that he was talking about your feelings, not his?
Just wondering.
Sounds like you might do well to start looking for another therapist, I'm serious, because this sounds like it could lead to a lot of pain, especially if he lets you down and terminates you. The reason won't matter, if he does that. He sounds like he might have tremendous reserves of compassion, but be careful with transferring too much eroticism onto him.

 

Re: To:FW: (Unrequited/sort of) Love with my Therapist Susan47

Posted by Annierose on October 20, 2005, at 22:24:07

In reply to Re: To:FW: (Unrequited/sort of) Love with my Therapist allisonross, posted by Susan47 on October 20, 2005, at 19:45:46

Wise advice Susan.

This sounds like a train wreck waiting to happen. I don't mean to sound unsupportive. But these scenarios are just not healthy. But I hope I am wrong for her sake.

 

Re: Not to fw.... should be to: allisonross Susan47

Posted by fairywings on October 21, 2005, at 8:39:18

In reply to Re: To:FW: (Unrequited/sort of) Love with my Therapist allisonross, posted by Susan47 on October 20, 2005, at 19:45:46


Hi Susan,
Did you change the subject line or did Allison?
Just to be sure you know, no one's hugging me, and if they did I sure wouldn't think they had to quit because it felt too good to THEM! ; )

I agree with everything susan said, and a serious talk with T, open and honest about the feelings and interpretations of his behavior and feelings toward you might be a good idea. And having a potential new therapist in the wings would be a good idea. As much as you care about your T, you wouldn't want to see him hurt by acting on any feelings.

fw

 

Re: To Annie/unrequited love

Posted by allisonross on October 21, 2005, at 12:23:30

In reply to Re: To:FW: (Unrequited/sort of) Love with my Therapist Susan47, posted by Annierose on October 20, 2005, at 22:24:07

Hi, Annie: Thankyou, sweetie...for your caring comment. Been with him for 3 years (went to him for a church issue); dealt with my issues 20 years ago! We have many deep discussions, and there isn't anything....we cannot discuss; that is the beauty; yes I am in love with him, he says he is convinced we can still do good work together (we have and continue to do that) ; despite the painful feelings I have, but I survived a childhood of abuse and a marriage of 31 years of abuse; I can deal with this; don't like to....but that is the way it is......I cannot change it, and I don't want to get a new t; alone now for the 1st time in 31 years; abandoment was the only issue that really I had; and now it is here; my t says I am "thriving' and he is right! I was voted out of a 31-year membership (church) cause i got the divorce; with my name up on a big screen, followed by the words (on my birthday, no less): CONDUCT UNBECOMING A CHILD OF GOD; it is a very long story; I was published with the Ph.D's! Amazingly: www.psychiatricjournal.com...entitled: The Transcendent Child on Overcoming Verbal and Spiritual Abuse.......I have always been able to make something good come out of the ashes of my lifetime of abuse ; this was no exception: www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com...faith-based poems of anguish, hope, healing and comfort came pouring from my wounded soul. It's been a phenomenon; My t jjourneyed with me thru the 18 month debacle ( I chose to fight the spiritual abuse to tr and stop the pastor [of disaster, LOL] from 'counseling" any more women, because 2 of them wanted to commit suicide. My t taught me the most valuable words I ever heard: Restorative Justice---This is what you did--this is how it made me feel...So empowering to someone abused (except for 3 years in the army) for a lifetime. If it were not for my faith, twisted wit and wicked sense of humor, i would be drooling in a corne somewhere. I;ve written my memoir; Ghost Child to Triumph (from a child with no voice, to someone who speaks up against injustice), and have a publisher interested! Thank you for writing; am a newbie! Smiles

 

Re:To Susan unrequited/sort of) Love with my Thera

Posted by allisonross on October 21, 2005, at 12:36:34

In reply to Re: To:FW: (Unrequited/sort of) Love with my Therapist allisonross, posted by Susan47 on October 20, 2005, at 19:45:46

> Hi, Susan; still getting used to the board, here; hope I'm doing this right! LOL
I know it's easy to believe what you think and what you feel about your therapist is real, no matter what he says. Would it make you feel awful if you realized that what he meant when he said hugging might feel too good, that he was talking about your feelings, not his?

I know he meant himself (because of his explanation; no need to go into details, etc.)

Well, I know what I am feeling....is real......I have loved him for 2 years, but kept the boundaries; as I told him; if I had met him elsewhere, I would have been attracted to him, etc.....we are alike in so many ways; told him I felt t HE was ME in male form! However feel I can say anything to him (which shows how sensitive and forthcoming he is). I know he is human and not a god.

> Just wondering.
> Sounds like you might do well to start looking for another therapist, I'm serious, because this sounds like it could lead to a lot of pain, especially if he lets you down and terminates you. The reason won't matter, if he does that. He sounds like he might have tremendous reserves of compassion, but be careful with transferring too much eroticism onto him.

Unfortunately, this has led to a lot of pain for me, but I cannot help it.. Feelings are facts. i cannot help that I love him, only how I behave because of it......As i said, we have discussed this in depth. He does have tremendous reserves of compassion, etc. He said: "my colleagues would say to run fast....and far...but I will NEVER abandon you."

As for "transferring eroticism on him" Not sure I understand. Can you elaborate? Thanks so much! Hugs, Smiles...P.S. i read a book called; Erotic Transference (fascinating)...basically, when it all boils down, we are all....simply people/human; my t said that "therapy is a sexual dance" I believe (and not because of my feelings for him) that he is the most brilliant t there is!

 

Re: Unrequited Love(sort of)Woops :)

Posted by allisonross on October 21, 2005, at 12:46:24

In reply to Re: Not to fw.... should be to: allisonross Susan47, posted by fairywings on October 21, 2005, at 8:39:18

Woops, I am new here, and still trying to get the hang of this; technical stuff twists my brain; so I messed up the "subject" line, I guess. On my honor, i will do better, LOL, LOL....Love to all......

 

Re: Unrequited Love(sort of)Woops :) allisonross

Posted by fairywings on October 21, 2005, at 14:27:08

In reply to Re: Unrequited Love(sort of)Woops :), posted by allisonross on October 21, 2005, at 12:46:24

That's okay, I thought maybe someone else thought my T was hugging me.

fw

 

Hi, A Bit at a time now allisonross

Posted by Susan47 on October 21, 2005, at 20:19:28

In reply to Re:To Susan unrequited/sort of) Love with my Thera, posted by allisonross on October 21, 2005, at 12:36:34

Hi, Susan; still getting used to the board, here; hope I'm doing this right! LOL
> I know it's easy to believe what you think and what you feel about your therapist is real, no matter what he says. Would it make you feel awful if you realized that what he meant when he said hugging might feel too good, that he was talking about your feelings, not his?
>
> I know he meant himself (because of his explanation; no need to go into details, etc.)
Hi Allison, (Allie, Ally, or Allison, or allisonross, what would you prefer? Myself, for me, I like Susan, but you feel like you could be an Ally ..)
I think a therapist has to be really careful about toeing the line. He has to make sure you get the message, but he can't startle you away, maybe even out of existence, with rejection.

I felt terrible for my guy. Because I knew he could never have feelings for me the same way I did for him. I knew also that my feelings for him were unreal, on some level, because it wasn't an equal relationship and I really wanted it to be. It could never have been that, as long as I continued to see him. But if I didn't see him anymore, he'd be out of my life. So it was better to go through the pain of all these continual little rejections (because when you want someone so extremely, and they're Off Limits, Forever, No Matter WHAT ...) it waS incredibly painful, but better than not seeing his incredible face, eyes, you name it, beautiful butt, shoulders to DIE for, and a mouth I wanted so desperating to be touching me ...
It was horrible, it hurt, and I went back for more, and tried not to, tried to make this the absolute LAST time I would ever see him again, and I couldn't do it. I just could not do it.
I hated myself.
Then I started to hate him.

 

I need to start proofreading,

Posted by Susan47 on October 21, 2005, at 20:23:58

In reply to Hi, A Bit at a time now allisonross, posted by Susan47 on October 21, 2005, at 20:19:28

Desperately
Desperately
Desperately,
Not desperating

 

Re: Hi, A Bit at a time now

Posted by Susan47 on October 21, 2005, at 20:26:36

In reply to Hi, A Bit at a time now allisonross, posted by Susan47 on October 21, 2005, at 20:19:28

I started to flip flop between loving, feeling foolish, feeling rejected, feeling desperate, and hating me then him, then loving him, then hating him. It was horrible. It was sick. I said so, I remember telling his answering machine.
And I don't know what he thought. I know I felt crazy. C-r-a-z-y.
Allison, please do not let this happen to you, no matter what, don't start to feel crazy like I did.
So having said that, have fun while you can. :)

 

Re:To Susan unrequited/sort of) Love with my Thera allisonross

Posted by Susan47 on October 22, 2005, at 21:50:23

In reply to Re:To Susan unrequited/sort of) Love with my Thera, posted by allisonross on October 21, 2005, at 12:36:34

Well I'm not really sure how to explain what I mean so perhaps I don't know what I'm talking about.
Bear with me, let me try anyway. I'm not the smartest mouse on the block but what I'm thinking is if you have issues that have to do with sex, and wanting to be wanted, wanting to be loved and found sexually desirable, because of whatever reasons from childhood or development or whatever, and you start feeling like he can help you with the answer, watch out. Don't pursue him for that. He can't be that object. He just can't. Nobody can but a real person in a real life, a life you're living outside of his office. Sure, you have to deal with this stuff in therapy, but he may not be the one able to help you with it, and he may not really know how to do it, but once again, I believe he has to tiptoe, and the dance you're dancing can never be Salsa.

 

Re:To Susan unrequited/sort of) Ally is right!! :)

Posted by allisonross on October 24, 2005, at 13:46:47

In reply to Re:To Susan unrequited/sort of) Love with my Thera allisonross, posted by Susan47 on October 22, 2005, at 21:50:23

> Well I'm not really sure how to explain what I mean so perhaps I don't know what I'm talking about.
> Bear with me, let me try anyway. I'm not the smartest mouse on the block (sounds like you are!) but what I'm thinking is if you have issues that have to do with sex, ..Nope, I went to him because my church of 31 years voted me out of membership because I got a divorce (he journeyed with me for 18 months/he is an expert in spirituall abuse, and showed up at the precise moment I needed him!) ournoand wanting to be wanted, wanting to be loved and found sexually desirable, because of whatever reasons from childhood or development or whatever, and you start feeling like he can help you with the answer, watch out. Don't pursue him for that. He can't be that object. He just can't. Nobody can but a real person in a real life, a life you're living outside of his office. Sure, you have to deal with this stuff in therapy, but he may not be the one able to help you with it, and he may not really know how to do it, but once again, I believe he has to tiptoe, and the dance you're dancing can never be Salsa. I told him just last night (we have discussed it quite a few times ; he is increidible and authentic (one of my favorite words)...honest, and he says I knows that I am, also......told him that if he had been my auto mechanic, and I had gotten to know him, I would have been attracted to, AND fallen in love with him...Transference is just a fancy word for.....feelings! He doesn't remind me of anyone I have ever known, and all that other stuff about the Freudian transference, etc.......I think it is sad that we have to use special names for simple things, such as LOVE...of course there are all of the Freudian things that can happen; I've read reams of material, none of it fits my situation. I've only been in love with a few men in my life; I told him that the last thing I ever needed/wanted.....was to complicate my life by my feelings for him.....If ya wanna read my story, I was published (with the psychs, no less!!) www.psychiatricjournal.com...entitled: The Transcendent Child on Overcoming Verbal and Spiritual Abuse...my website: www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com (faith-based poems of anguish, hope, healing and comfort (On my birthday they put my name up on a big sceeen in front of the church, followed by the words: CONDUCT UNBECOMING A CHILD OF GOD. I survived a childhood of abuse, a marriage of abuse, a divorce, and hving my chuch of 31 years vote me out of membership, I can handle anything (except unrequited love, LOL< LO)...I have been counseling abused women for the past 15 years, because of my lifetime of experience and extensive research. I could write a book on what has happened with the t....I HAVE written my memoir: Ghost Child to Triumph (from a child with no voice, to someone who speaks up against injustice in the world), and have a publisher interested; working like a Trojan! Alone now for the 1st time in 36 years (hey, I look 17 years younger than I am; blessed with the genes, LOL): I deserve SOMETHING after (except for 3 years in the army) a lifetime of abuse, right? Love to talk: wacalice@aol.com........Hugs, Ally (Hey, I AM an Ally; howdidyouguess?! That is what they called me in the army. Very astute!!

 

A bit at a time

Posted by Susan47 on October 24, 2005, at 20:10:52

In reply to Re:To Susan unrequited/sort of) Ally is right!! :), posted by allisonross on October 24, 2005, at 13:46:47

Hi Ally,
You said "also......told him that if he had been my auto mechanic, and I had gotten to know him, I would have been attracted to, AND fallen in love with him..."
and I just had to pick that out, because I've never known any auto mechanic, and this is not a slur of any sort on any social/economic/cultural/work group .. but honestly I haven't known very many deeply philosophizing/thinking well-balanced and incredibly self-confident and intelligent auto mechanics, salesmen, lawyers, doctors, policemen (++++ on that one) ... there's something about this particular man which is deeply interesting.
And I wonder,
Is it because he's interested in ME?
Is that what truly makes him interesting?
Or is he as lovely, softly kind, intelligent, emotional (YES!) and vulnerable (Double YES! ... my shopping list, my emotional man shopping list, is coming to the fore.
Do you know I had over 80 qualities I was looking for in a man?
And do you know I based every one of those positive qualities on the one man my imagination created, developed, from my ex-T?
Sick .. or smart?
One may never know.

 

Hey. allisonross

Posted by Susan47 on October 24, 2005, at 20:15:19

In reply to Re:To Susan unrequited/sort of) Ally is right!! :), posted by allisonross on October 24, 2005, at 13:46:47

You said this: "He doesn't remind me of anyone I have ever known, and all that other stuff about the Freudian transference, etc.......I think it is sad that we have to use special names for simple things, such as LOVE...of course there are all of the Freudian things that can happen; I've read reams of material, none of it fits my situation."
..and I'm thinking you're so deeply in transference you're denying what's really happening, but that's okay because you need to deny that right now, in fact, reading this might be (1) making you laugh, still thinking your case is different, and I just don't understand, or (2) maybe making you a bit peed off. Triggered. Triggered? Hmh. Anyway, I used to think the exact same thing, but I was smart enough to know that must be part of the process, I was purposefully delusional.
Ach.

 

And PS allisonross

Posted by Susan47 on October 24, 2005, at 20:16:57

In reply to Re:To Susan unrequited/sort of) Ally is right!! :), posted by allisonross on October 24, 2005, at 13:46:47

And I realize a while ago that all sorts of classically Freudian concepts were at work in my relationship with this T. It was hilarious, when I realized some things. Y'know, EMDR is fabulous.

 

Re: To Susan/And PS

Posted by allisonross on October 25, 2005, at 9:01:47

In reply to And PS allisonross, posted by Susan47 on October 24, 2005, at 20:16:57

> And I realize a while ago that all sorts of classically Freudian concepts were at work in my relationship with this T. It was hilarious, when I realized some things. Y'know, EMDR is fabulous.

Hmmm. what is EMDR? While I am sure there is transference stuff going on (that is a natural thing, I understand); love....is love...we are alike in 28 different ways (don't ask me how I know, LOL).....As I said (I think), if I had met him at work or he was my tv repairman, I would have loved him......yes, we all are in denial; people "do what they need to, to stay out of pain" We all construct our own versions of reality.....but I believe I can look at the reality (it IS...painful)...and sometimes it takes my breath away, and we have such an authentic, fabulous relationship and do good work together, even though....there is that elephant in the living room! he said: "As long as we talk about it, it isn't dangerous" Smiles, Alice (what was your experience? I'd love it hear about it......

 

Re:Susan/automechanic/ A bit at a time

Posted by allisonross on October 25, 2005, at 9:14:42

In reply to A bit at a time, posted by Susan47 on October 24, 2005, at 20:10:52

> Hi, Susan: Hi Ally,
> You said "also......told him that if he had been my auto mechanic, and I had gotten to know him, I would have been attracted to, AND fallen in love with him..."
> and I just had to pick that out, because I've never known any auto mechanic, and this is not a slur of any sort on any social/economic/cultural/work group .Oh, I wouldn't have thought that.... but honestly I haven't known very many deeply philosophizing/thinking well-balanced and incredibly self-confident and intelligent auto mechanics, salesmen, lawyers, doctors, policemen (++++ on that one) ..Yes, you are right, I should have qualified that more! My thought was that I didn't fall in love with him simply because he was a therapist/kind , loving, intelligent, non-judgemental, etc., etc., etc....... there's something about this particular man which is deeply interesting.
> And I wonder,
> Is it because he's interested in ME?
> Is that what truly makes him interesting?
> Or is he as lovely, softly kind, intelligent, emotional (YES!) and vulnerable (Double YES! ... my shopping list, my emotional man shopping list, is coming to the fore.
> Do you know I had over 80 qualities I was looking for in a man? WOW!!! My shopping list....I realized a few years ago....that I am TOAST if a man is intellectual.....first and foremost, that is what attracts me, and I met a man (not the t) who was the vice-provost (high level position) at the University where I worked; I was TOAST, i was in love with him (I know he had feelings for me, etc., but was (ick) married! And HE, like the t had integrity......basically I have ONLY known 2 men who are EXACTLY what I want. My shopping list? 1. Intellectual (turn me on like crazy,) 2. sensitive 3. loves to dance (that's who I am, an dancer--singer, writer, etc...dancing is my first love; born that way) 4. sense of humor 5, empathic....there are other things, but those are the basics!
> And do you know I based every one of those positive qualities on the one man my imagination created, developed, from my ex-T?
> Sick .. or smart? Why would it be sick? However you based those qualities, those are YOUR qualities, or the qualities you need, and they make you who you are and what you want and need.
> One may never know.
Hugs, Ally
>
>

 

Re: Susan:Hi, A Bit at a time now

Posted by allisonross on October 25, 2005, at 13:57:04

In reply to Re: Hi, A Bit at a time now, posted by Susan47 on October 21, 2005, at 20:26:36

>Hi, Susan, sweetie: I totally relate-- I started to flip flop between loving, feeling foolish, feeling rejected, feeling desperate, and hating me then him, then loving him, then hating him. It was horrible. It was sick. I said so, I remember telling his answering machine.
> And I don't know what he thought. I know I felt crazy. C-r-a-z-y. I have ALWAYS been crazy (LOL), so i didn't have far to go! The reason I started to hate him (recently, after being with him for 3 years), is that he is (hate to say it, but I can see reality, even tho people call me a "fairy-child"----I can see both sides....he is doing what is called "sexual exploitation"---we both flirt and tease outrageously (I am allowed to do that, cause I am the client), and as he says, he knows he is supposed to keep the boundaries. he gets to "play" (no kissing or sex or anything like that, but not that I am not wanting that, even tho I know about the ramifications) with me, and then (makes me furious) gets to go home to his wife he is "Deeply in love with"--His words.......when i told him (last year) I thought he had feelings for me also........I notice, he DIDN'T answer my question. I believe (not because I need/want to) that he DOES love me, because of all of the things he has said (not the silly teasy things)> Allison, please do not let this happen to you, no matter what, don't start to feel crazy like I did. I am afraid it already has; I have managed to not be all over him like a cheap suit (LOL) for a whole freaking 3 years for crying out loud. I think it is so ironic. I (underline the word, I) am the client, and I maintain the boundaries; HE is the t, and crosses them. What is wrong with this picture!? He and I have done some fantastic work (I went to him cause my church voted me out of a 31-year membership because i got a divorce); so am alone now for the 1st time in 31 years (the only fear I ever really had...was that of being alone/abandoned, and here......it is!! I am doing (amazingly!) well, but going home allone, after t has teased me nearly to death (emotionally, sexually...double entendres, etc) is very painful, not to mention FRUSTRATION!! We had a long conversation about stuff (not the stuff he is doing; not ready to go there yet), and he said "I don't want to hurt you." I sat on the floor (instead of the couch one night), only a few days after the divorce, he got up without a word, and sat next to me (not touching), but of course I told him later, that I just wanted to lean against me and have him hold me...a normal feeling; given that I love him.... I think that is one of the most empathic, beautiful things he ever did..anyway i could go on forever what has gone between us, but will stop here. I can e-mail you privately (not sure I would post some of the stuff; don't feel comfortable doing that as yet)
> So having said that, have fun hile you can. :)...Thanks, sweetie; I am having fun, but at the sme time, a LOT of pain...unrequited love...always is...I just have to live with it, until I get the strength or courage t leave (don't see it happening anytime soon)....Hugs, Ally (wacalice@aol.com)

 

Re: To Susan/And PS allisonross

Posted by Susan47 on October 25, 2005, at 19:58:56

In reply to Re: To Susan/And PS, posted by allisonross on October 25, 2005, at 9:01:47

Good question, Ally, and I don't know the answer. Because to claim that I know anything about that relationship would be laying ownership to full knowledge. I only have my own reality. That would be perhaps less than half the truth, if I'm as delusional as I suspect. :] (Which is a sorrowful grin, BTW)

 

It's Sick allisonross

Posted by Susan47 on October 25, 2005, at 20:11:38

In reply to Re:Susan/automechanic/ A bit at a time, posted by allisonross on October 25, 2005, at 9:14:42

No, it isn't smart to ascribe those qualities, all the wonderful things I am myself and am also looking for in someone else ... it isn't smart to put them all on one person, and an attractive sexual male, at that. Because the fact is I played these sick little mind games, for example, your last line on the post says this:
"Hugs, Ally"
And I would pretend that you were my ex-T, who was really an ex when I first came online to Babble he'd already terminated me ... I believe .. if I remember correctly, but my memory's hash, in reality, in any case. The thing is I would pretend that "Ally" was really "C" in disguise .. I was really very sick. So the fantasies I used to feed my need for a soulmate .. well, they were based solely on wishful thinking.
Which is child's play, in reality .. it's for children. I needed to be stuck in him loving me, I needed his love.
Which is wrong, because I'm the opposite sex and I was immensely attracted to him as a private person, like, someone I genuinely liked. WHich felt wrong, because of course he was in a professional role and I wasn't. If he came and saw me at my place of work, he'd be the client, not I.
Oh, what a lovely feeling that would be ;) Can you imagine being seen as this vulnerable little bit of nothing but gross pain and suffering and acting-out for years, by this T .. and suddenly he has to see me in My Environment, and he can see I'm much more than he ever saw before.
In any case, it's a sick fancy which can never come to fruition. Anything like that is child's little head games, very foolish and too, too vulnerable.
I hated myself. I still do, for my weakness.

 

Re: It's Sick Susan47

Posted by Susan47 on October 25, 2005, at 20:35:24

In reply to It's Sick allisonross, posted by Susan47 on October 25, 2005, at 20:11:38

You know, I can't honestly think of any other relationship in our lives, other than the familial one, that has such a taboo against love, only this one has a taboo against physical love, which in some cases, means emotional love as well. So it's even MORE of a taboo than oh why oh WHY can I not think of the term for familial sex?? I only worked with it for so many years, I know, I KNOW THE TERM. TOPH HELP ME OUT HERE. You-all know what I mean, right? So if you like a little danger and you had this experience with your sibling at a really vulnerable stage of development, of course this relationship with the T especially if he reminds you of your brother anyway ... of course the love/sex taboo part of it is going to be very loaded.. well it's a theory, anyway. I just made it up. ;) But maybe, I don't know, maybe I'm not so off base. I mean, Know Thyself, it's an edict, isn't it? From the Bible as well as philosophy. There's a reason for that, right? I mean, if you couldn't do it, you wouldn't be asked to try...

 

Re: Susan:It's Sick

Posted by allisonross on October 26, 2005, at 7:58:48

In reply to It's Sick allisonross, posted by Susan47 on October 25, 2005, at 20:11:38

> Dear Susan: No, it isn't smart to ascribe those qualities, all the wonderful things I am myself and am also looking for in someone else ... it isn't smart to put them all on one person, and an attractive sexual male, at that. Because the fact is I played these sick little mind games, for example, your last line on the post says this: But if you saw those qualities in him, what is wrong with that?
> "Hugs, Ally"
> And I would pretend that you were my ex-T, who was really an ex when I first came online to Babble he'd already terminated me ... I believe .. if I remember correctly, but my memory's hash, in reality, in any case. The thing is I would pretend that "Ally" was really "C" in disguise .. I was really very sick. So the fantasies I used to feed my need for a soulmate .. well, they were based solely on wishful thinking.
> Which is child's play, in reality .. it's for children. I needed to be stuck in him loving me, I needed his love.
> Which is wrong, because I'm the opposite sex and I was immensely attracted to him as a private person, like, someone I genuinely liked. WHich felt wrong, because of course he was in a professional role and I wasn't. If he came and saw me at my place of work, he'd be the client, not I.
> Oh, what a lovely feeling that would be ;) Can you imagine being seen as this vulnerable little bit of nothing but gross pain and suffering and acting-out for years, by this T .. and suddenly he has to see me in My Environment, and he can see I'm much more than he ever saw before.
> In any case, it's a sick fancy which can never come to fruition. Anything like that is child's little head games, very foolish and too, too vulnerable.
> I hated myself. I still do, for my weakness.
It is not wrong to feel what you feel (feelings are facts); they just....are.......we can choose what to do with them; that much is in our control. Smiles, Alice


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