Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 567978

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Can't keep working or quit. *maybe slight trig*

Posted by javableue on October 16, 2005, at 23:06:02

I'm sorry; this is so minor compared to what lots are going through, I just can't get this out of my head and can't really talk about it elsewhere.

Between having had to reschedule the appointment that day and having received a failing mark on my Physics test (where I well and truly did do the best I could... and so very likely may not pass the course), I was a wreck by the time Friday's session came along.

My T saw me a little late, which wasn't unexpected as the appointment had been thrown together last-minute and I had told him the buses might not cooperate. (I did, however, arrive ten minutes in advance.) My response to the test mark earlier that day had, not to put too fine a point on it, shown that I was starting to get dangerously out-of-control with SI behaviour and wasn't even appropriately worried. I managed to bring the incident up right at the beginning of the session. What followed was a hilariously manipulated (by both of us) conversation which lead up to him asking if I would agree to leave my "tool" with him until things in my life calmed down. I agreed, as that had been my intention all along, and gave it to him, feeling a strange mix of bitterness and relief. He thanked me, which was strange, because I should've been the grateful one! (And I am, now, I just couldn't manage it at the time.)

I then brought up a decision I have to make which should be easy but suddenly isn't: whether to visit my boyfriend in BC over the Christmas holidays. I have the means, though there are a few practical concerns. More to the point, though, a relatively innocuous incident between us months ago is now haunting me and making me feel like it would be very dangerous to go.

The act in question is really quite minor; I'm too ashamed even to mention it but suffice to say most would be shocked that it bothered me at all. Things went too far between us physically (by our own standards), and while there was some shame over having transgressed those standards, I do think I'm over that and it's forgiven. What has been haunting me about the incident was how I felt when he was doing that to me; violated, powerless, unable to protest in any way, felt years younger than my actual age... I feel so ridiculous, because of course it wasn't inappropriate in the way I felt it was, I wasn't powerless, and he did nothing wrong; he didn't know what I was going through when he did that until after the fact. Given that all of these things are true and that nothing inappropriate of the sort has ever happened to me, I don't know what to make of these feelings. I want them so badly to go away; but they won't... but how can I deal with them if they have no apparent source? All I can come up with are some really distorted thoughts/feelings I had as a child, and they only make me more ashamed.

Thankfully after that a better point of the session came up. My T asked if I had ever felt that way with him, which allowed me to bring up a comment which I had taken out of context over a year ago and which still bothered me despite being sure that he didn't mean what I heard. He had asked me if I hugged my father, and I automatically responded that I didn't, while remembering one time where he forced me to and I felt like trash (I don't understand why; it was just a hug!)... while I was thinking that, my T had said "Well, if I was your father, I think I'd insist a little." Obviously not taken very well! Once I finished telling him, he explained what he had meant (that he would be concerned if his daughter would not hug him and would try to find out why, even if it was something he had done wrong) and did an admirable job of repairing the misunderstanding.

Thirty/thirty-five minutes in (I don't remember exactly when he saw me but it was 5-10 minutes late), he told me I had five minutes to go so that things could calm down. I noticed how early it was and pointed it out... he completely didn't acknowledge it. So we ended up scheduling appointments for the next few weeks, I tried not to break down because obviously if he was sending me out this early, I already must be a drain and I'd better not make things worse. He didn't even wait for me to finish gathering my things up before walking out of the office to lead me back to the waiting room. I don't want to bring this up, I'm already such a drain on him and I know this will only make me sound manipulative... but I have to, otherwise it will get in the way.

This is just so hard. I don't even know what's wrong with me, really, but something's coming up and I need to deal with it. But the more I work at it, the more I get attached to my T, because I can't do this alone, and that causes grief because all too soon he will be out of my life and I daren't even ask if he will consent to occasional contact after termination. I realised recently that, quite apart from transference, he's the closest thing to a father I've ever had... within the role he is in, he's consistently made efforts to care for and protect me in ways which are significant beyond physical necessities, which my biological father never did. It's better than nothing, and I'm grateful that he's done so, but it's a depressing statement about my life... and I don't know how I'll bear the grief several months from now.

jb

 

Re: Can't keep working or quit. *maybe slight trig* » javableue

Posted by gardenergirl on October 17, 2005, at 6:43:44

In reply to Can't keep working or quit. *maybe slight trig*, posted by javableue on October 16, 2005, at 23:06:02

It sounds like you've got a ton on your mind right now, including therapy stuff. It's so hard to concentrate on school when life gets in the way. Try not to worry about the physics grade. Is it possible that lots of folks in the class did that poorly? I've had classes like that before, and usually it works out okay.

I'm sorry your T rushed you out of there early. I can understand thinking it was because of you. But you know, maybe he really needed to go to the bathroom or something. Or since you had "hastily" scheduled this, maybe he knew he had something else coming up and had cut the time too short? At any rate, there's lots of explanations as to why he stopped early that are not "your fault". I'm sorry he ignored your question about it.

I am glad you left your tool there. Try to take it easy on yourself in the next few days. Your concerns about visiting your boyfriend--well, you've got a bit of time to work on that, right?

Eh, I feel like I'm rambling. It's too early in the a.m. for me.

((((javableue)))

Take care,

gg

 

Re: Can't keep working or quit. *maybe slight trig* » javableue

Posted by terrics on October 17, 2005, at 10:26:20

In reply to Can't keep working or quit. *maybe slight trig*, posted by javableue on October 16, 2005, at 23:06:02

Wow! Why would you think your problems are less than others?

The one thing I feel I would think about alot if I were you is not your relationship with your therapist, but with your boyfriend. Your therapist may be a big help with that. terrics

 

Re: which physics are you taking? (nm) » javableue

Posted by AuntieMel on October 17, 2005, at 15:36:50

In reply to Can't keep working or quit. *maybe slight trig*, posted by javableue on October 16, 2005, at 23:06:02

 

Re: Can't keep working or quit. *maybe slight trig » gardenergirl

Posted by javableue on October 17, 2005, at 20:18:01

In reply to Re: Can't keep working or quit. *maybe slight trig* » javableue, posted by gardenergirl on October 17, 2005, at 6:43:44

>It sounds like you've got a ton on your mind right now, including therapy stuff. It's so hard to concentrate on school when life gets in the way. Try not to worry about the physics grade. Is it possible that lots of folks in the class did that poorly? I've had classes like that before, and usually it works out okay.

Yeah, the class average was 57; I got 55. What alarms me is that the professor is totally indifferent and just says we need to work harder. I know I couldn't have, really, although if I start studying now for the next one I might make it. It's especially disturbing given our class; we're in the last year of a really challenging program which selected for motivated students (read: nerds with no fear for their lives) in the first place, so when the class average is failing, there's a problem.

>But you know, maybe he really needed to go to the bathroom or something. Or since you had "hastily" scheduled this, maybe he knew he had something else coming up and had cut the time too short?

Dang, gg, you do realise I am never going to look at his fidgeting the same way again, right? I guess something must have come up; I don't know about it being cut short (because of short notice he gave me an extra half hour to show up if I needed it), but it really isn't usual of him. Normally I have to remind him when the session's nearly over. Maybe he finally learned and installed a clock in *his* field of vision?

>I am glad you left your tool there. Try to take it easy on yourself in the next few days. Your concerns about visiting your boyfriend--well, you've got a bit of time to work on that, right?

Less than I would like (need to book before prices skyrocket), but yes. It's starting to seem clearer that maybe I really am not in good enough shape to be visiting right now, I just can't imagine how I'm going to explain this to him. And the thought of choosing to stay at home is an unpleasant one under the best of circumstances. I'm giving myself until a month before I'd be going, though.

Thanks for the reply, and no worries about rambling; it's a great hobby of mine, as if you couldn't tell.

jb

 

Re: Can't keep working or quit. *maybe slight trig » terrics

Posted by javableue on October 17, 2005, at 20:25:36

In reply to Re: Can't keep working or quit. *maybe slight trig* » javableue, posted by terrics on October 17, 2005, at 10:26:20

>Wow! Why would you think your problems are less than others?

They just seem to be. I know that shouldn't matter, and if anyone I know were to tell me they worried about speaking about their problems because they were so minor, I would tell them there is no hierarchy of pain, it's important for them to vent as needed in a safe environment, etc... but I have trouble taking it to heart for my own situation. Also I guess a situation at school doesn't help... one of my friends is in a truly rough home situation, and the staff love her to death. So every time I need help, it's all "How is so-and-so?" and "Well, at least it's not as bad as so-and-so," and "I hope you're there for so-and-so," which, while I can appreciate that they care about her and she needs help badly, doesn't quite seem appropriate when I'm coming to them precisely because I'm overwhelmed! I guess I'm just used to my worries being considered as nothing and it takes a lot of pressure off to "warn" people.

Another thing is I feel so unqualified to post supportive messages (sometimes rightly, but sometimes I do have something to say and don't because I'm afraid I'll seem awkward), and I do feel bad about posting such a long message myself, under the circumstances.

>The one thing I feel I would think about alot if I were you is not your relationship with your therapist, but with your boyfriend. Your therapist may be a big help with that. terrics

Yeah, that's been a hard topic lately. I can't tell if things have changed in the relationship, period, or if it's just that I've become so caught up in my issues that it's affecting things. I hadn't really brought it up before last session, but my T seems pretty open to it.

Thank you for your post, terrics.

jb

 

Electricity Magnetism (nm) » AuntieMel

Posted by javableue on October 17, 2005, at 20:26:02

In reply to Re: which physics are you taking? (nm) » javableue, posted by AuntieMel on October 17, 2005, at 15:36:50

 

Make that Electricity *AND* Magnetism... (nm)

Posted by javableue on October 17, 2005, at 20:26:34

In reply to Electricity Magnetism (nm) » AuntieMel, posted by javableue on October 17, 2005, at 20:26:02

 

Re: Can't keep working or quit. *maybe slight trig* » javableue

Posted by Tamar on October 19, 2005, at 18:24:02

In reply to Can't keep working or quit. *maybe slight trig*, posted by javableue on October 16, 2005, at 23:06:02

> The act in question is really quite minor; I'm too ashamed even to mention it but suffice to say most would be shocked that it bothered me at all. Things went too far between us physically (by our own standards), and while there was some shame over having transgressed those standards, I do think I'm over that and it's forgiven.

This is the sort of thing I inevitably pick up on, and if you don’t want to discuss it that’s fine. But I wasn’t sure from your description whether you were talking about sex or violence or both. Though of course it’s none of my business… But do let us know if you want some support.

> What has been haunting me about the incident was how I felt when he was doing that to me; violated, powerless, unable to protest in any way, felt years younger than my actual age... I feel so ridiculous, because of course it wasn't inappropriate in the way I felt it was, I wasn't powerless, and he did nothing wrong; he didn't know what I was going through when he did that until after the fact. Given that all of these things are true and that nothing inappropriate of the sort has ever happened to me, I don't know what to make of these feelings. I want them so badly to go away; but they won't... but how can I deal with them if they have no apparent source? All I can come up with are some really distorted thoughts/feelings I had as a child, and they only make me more ashamed.

Sometimes we can never be sure of a source, and then I guess we have to find ways of processing the feelings that arise even if we don’t understand them.

I think GG was right about finishing early… it’s probably nothing about you specifically, though I can understand why it might feel that way. Oh, and I really don’t think you’re being manipulative if you bring it up with him! It’s very important, and he ought to understand that.

I know that anxiety about termination has come up a few times recently. My own view use to be that there’s not much point talking about it before you’re ready to think about it, but someone else once made a good point that if it’s worrying you, you should talk about it. (I can’t remember who it was; I’m sorry not to be able to give credit to the appropriate person.)

> I realised recently that, quite apart from transference, he's the closest thing to a father I've ever had... within the role he is in, he's consistently made efforts to care for and protect me in ways which are significant beyond physical necessities, which my biological father never did

It does seem as if something’s coming up… I’m glad to hear you expressing so much confidence in your T. It sounds as if you really believe he can help you.

Tamar

 

Re: Can't keep working or quit. *maybe slight trig » Tamar

Posted by javableue on October 19, 2005, at 21:07:47

In reply to Re: Can't keep working or quit. *maybe slight trig* » javableue, posted by Tamar on October 19, 2005, at 18:24:02

>This is the sort of thing I inevitably pick up on, and if you don’t want to discuss it that’s fine. But I wasn’t sure from your description whether you were talking about sex or violence or both. Though of course it’s none of my business… But do let us know if you want some support.

It was along the lines of sex, but really nothing, relatively speaking... if I ever managed to get it out, I think it would be hard to take seriously that something so minor affected me so much. I still can hardly believe it. But it did.

>I know that anxiety about termination has come up a few times recently. My own view use to be that there’s not much point talking about it before you’re ready to think about it, but someone else once made a good point that if it’s worrying you, you should talk about it. (I can’t remember who it was; I’m sorry not to be able to give credit to the appropriate person.)

I'm still trying to decide what I should do. I think I'll suggest writing my concerns out for him, and leaving him to judge, based on the answers and my condition. I don't know if he'll go for that, because he does prefer that I say as much as I can out loud, but it's worth asking. It's just sticky because (can't remember if I said this initally or not) at this point, I'm not ready to deal with it if it turns out it won't go the way I'd hope it would... but the uncertainty risks undermining the trust I have for him. I'm just so afraid of bringing it up. He's a child psychiatrist working for the health care system, and I recently turned 18... so given that he's already agreed to see me for nearly an extra year (until I figure out where I'm going to university and can get something set up there), I feel like I don't even have a right to even express that I might prefer it if things went a certain time.

>It does seem as if something’s coming up… I’m glad to hear you expressing so much confidence in your T. It sounds as if you really believe he can help you.

Things have definitely improved in that regard since the summer. I went away to a French immersion for five weeks, and he looked after my fish for me; I'm insanely protective of my pets and my parents are absolutely incompetent and uncaring when it comes to animals, so in fact that was what allowed me to go in the first place. That likely had a really good effect. Unfortunately, it seems that being away from home that long and using a language I'm more comfortable with than my mother tongue meant I felt safe too long and opened up too much and now... I can't reverse it, even though it isn't safe to be like this at home. And I don't even know what I've opened myself up to.

I'm not sure I want to, at this stage, but I know I have to try.

jb


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