Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 568926

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Talking about transference to your husband/SO?

Posted by orchid on October 19, 2005, at 16:36:06

I would like to know if any of you has ever successfully explained transference issues and your attraction to your T to your husband / Significant Other.

What was their reaction? Were they able to understand it?

I have been thinking recently that one of these days I would really like to let my husband know what happened with my first T. And explain everything to him, including why I felt the way I did. I have been very open to him about everything other than the problem with my first T (though he knows about it little bit) and my dad.

But I am wondering if he would be able to understand. Or if it will backfire.

Before I didn't mind even a divorce. But now I have started liking him. Maybe even quite a bit. IT will be hard to take if it leads to serious issues. But on the other hand, keeping it like a secret also feels bad. I would like to explain everything to him and make him understand. But it seems to be too risky also.

Any ideas/suggestions?

 

Re: Talking about transference to your husband/SO? » orchid

Posted by JenStar on October 19, 2005, at 18:08:37

In reply to Talking about transference to your husband/SO?, posted by orchid on October 19, 2005, at 16:36:06

hi Orchid,
I understand that you want to be fully honest about *everything* with your husband. But maybe ask yourself, what would be gained by telling your husband this? Or, maybe better stated, what is the outcome you HOPE will happen?

Do you hope that your husband will understand, and comfort you, and reiterate that he loves you dearly and that this in no way affects your marriage? (I'm just guessing at what *I* would want to hear!)

I wonder if your husband might NOT understand -- would he misinterpret and worry that you were attracted/in love with the ex-T? Might this make him jealous, controlling, or prone to getting mad at ex-T if you were to run into him socially somewhere?

I only ask because I think a lot of people even IN therapy don't really 'get' transference, let alone the people OUTSIDE of therapy. If he's not savvy about this stuff, he might end up really taking it all wrong and misunderstanding what it was all about. Or worse, he might blame YOU or start accusing YOU of some kind of misbehavior. Naturally I'm assuming the worst that could happen from a faceless, nameless "guy" whose "girl" is in therapy. I don't know if YOUR hubby is prone to this at all, so pleae understand I mean no offense! I'm just offering "what if's."

Maybe some things about therapy are OK to keep private? Or maybe BEST kept private?

I don't know.
Which way are you leaning - towards telling or not telling?

JenStar

 

Re: Talking about transference to your husband/SO? » JenStar

Posted by orchid on October 19, 2005, at 18:27:36

In reply to Re: Talking about transference to your husband/SO? » orchid, posted by JenStar on October 19, 2005, at 18:08:37

Thanks JS.

As of now, I am not leaning towards either telling/not telling. Ideally, I would like to tell him and get the response that you posted !! But that might also be hoping for too much and it might also put unwanted strain on my marriage.

But on the other hand, my husband has been behaving really mature in the recent days, and am wondering if telling him will only strengthen the foundation of my marriage. Especially now we have started thinking of a kid and maybe in a year we will go with that plans, I am kind of hesitant to bring a kid into the family with this big secrecy. Maybe if he knows in advance and makes peace with it, it might help in a peaceful marriage after the kid. What if he comes to know of it later and it rocks the marriage? I don't want my kid to suffer later.

He is already actually aware of my attraction towards my T (I once said somethings about my T in my dream), and he was pretty upset at that time (It was quite a while back though). But I explained things a little bit to him, and he became somewhat ok after that. And he is aware of the intense attachment that develops towards a T in a therapy relationship, though he probably doesn't understand transference and projecting etc.

 

Re: Talking about transference to your husband/SO?

Posted by lookdownfish on October 19, 2005, at 18:35:33

In reply to Talking about transference to your husband/SO?, posted by orchid on October 19, 2005, at 16:36:06

Hi Orchid.
My husband knows that I am crazy about my current T. I think he is quite tolerant about it, and seems to understand that it is not the same kind of love that I have for him and that actually, the one kind of feeling doesn't necessarily interfere with the other. I think it helps that my T is a woman and although I am bisexual (inactively), because she is a she, he is able to put it in a different category.
My feelings for my T seem to escalate when things are bad between me and my husband. I think he feels a bit uncomfortable about the fact that I obviously seek a parental figure to look after me, and I get that from my T and he can't do that for me.
I think it would be really nice for you if your husband understood what you went through with your former T. I know it is a very lonely feeling to be in a relationship with someone but not be able to share that kind of stuff. But, is your husband quite a psychologically astute kind of guy? It would take a good level of empathy from him to be able to understand.
sorry if I'm waffling. had a few drinks 2nite.
lookdownfish

 

Re: Talking about transference to your husband/SO? » orchid

Posted by messadivoce on October 19, 2005, at 18:52:05

In reply to Re: Talking about transference to your husband/SO? » JenStar, posted by orchid on October 19, 2005, at 18:27:36

It's a sticky wicket, and I understand how you don't want this info to come out later when you have possible kids. Obviously, you don't want to put unwanted trauma in their lives. But then again, I agree with JenStar about how some things in therapy are best kept private.

My fiance did not react favorably when I was in the middle of the transference. He was upset because *I* was upset all the time, and withdrawn, and we had strain in our relationship and trouble communicating. Now that I'm on the other side of it and have a bit more perspective, he is a lot more understanding. He understands the transference thing, and he sees the dificulty I have today in my relationship with my dad, so it all makes sense to him.

But there are things about therapy that I keep private, just because I know *no one* would be able to understand those feelings and interactions except me. And it keeps unwanted worry and stress out my relationship. My fiance trusts me implicitly. Trust has never been an issue with us.

He is a little wary of me ever going back to therapy, though, because he hates how I withdraw from him.

I know your husband has been mean and downright violent in the past, and although I hope his good behavior lasts, I wonder if telling him this will make him angry? Only you know your husband well enough to know if this is a good choice.

 

Re: Talking about transference to your husband/SO? » orchid

Posted by JenStar on October 19, 2005, at 19:15:25

In reply to Re: Talking about transference to your husband/SO? » JenStar, posted by orchid on October 19, 2005, at 18:27:36

hi Orchid,
I supposed it also depends on your definition of "big" secret. To me, it doesn't seem THAT big to withold a discussion about transference, but then again, that's ME. I guess I'm OK keeping some stuff private and "secret" from my husband.

I don't think of it as witholding stuff in a mean way, or selfish way, or untrusting way. I think of it as actually being good to him, not to burden him with the minutiae of my neuroses and issues.

I mean, he's VERY helpful and great, and he loves me, and he listens well. But I don't think that telling him EVERY feeling I have would be beneficial to him or us. It would only burden him with maybe more worry about me and my stability, or hurt him unnecessarily. I do tell him lots of stuff and we work through it, but still, there are some things that don't seem that they'd be "right" to share. It wouldn't deeper our relationship in any special way, and I don't want to make him worry.

But that's me. In case it seems like "you" too, I wanted to offer it up for consideration! :)

JenStar

 

Re: Talking about transference to your husband/SO? » orchid

Posted by JenStar on October 19, 2005, at 19:18:03

In reply to Re: Talking about transference to your husband/SO? » JenStar, posted by orchid on October 19, 2005, at 18:27:36

one more idea: If you ARE going to tell him, I'd recommend starting slowly with discussions about books you've read, or articles on line. Tell him something like, "I read this really interesting article about transference. It said that people can develop strong and fierce attractions to their T's. There was this one case, blah, blah, blah." I mean, just making conversation, but also priming him to understand more about it.

Then, after doing this over a course of weeks or months, you could tentatively bring up YOUR transference. By feeling it out with the previous discussions, you might be able to gauge his reaction & prepare for it.

Just an idea!
JenStar

 

Re: Talking about transference to your husband/SO? » orchid

Posted by Tamar on October 19, 2005, at 19:22:10

In reply to Talking about transference to your husband/SO?, posted by orchid on October 19, 2005, at 16:36:06


I suppose it depends what you hope to gain from it. If you simply want your husband to understand you better, then perhaps it’s possible. But if you have feelings of guilt about it, it might be better to keep quiet (or confess to someone else).

I have talked to my husband about my transference and he was fairly understanding but he did find it a bit difficult.

If you think your husband can understand that there’s sometimes a special kind of connection between a therapist and a client, and that a client sometimes has strong feelings for a therapist that come out of the things they’re working on together, then perhaps it’ll be OK.

But I do think that if you tell your husband about your feelings for your T you might find yourself having to explain some of the stuff about your father. I don’t know how much your husband is aware of that, or whether he can understand your feelings about it. In a way, that might be even more significant than a discussion about your transference… I guess it depends on how much you trust your husband.

What do you think?

Tamar


 

Re: Talking about transference to your husband/SO? » orchid

Posted by fairywings on October 20, 2005, at 9:05:25

In reply to Talking about transference to your husband/SO?, posted by orchid on October 19, 2005, at 16:36:06

I told my husband that he would be a wonderful T, but that I didn't want to share him w/anyone else, and I wouldn't want women having transference feelings and falling in love with him. I didn't go into attachment, but he seemed to understand that it's a relationship like no other and you're bound to have feelings.

fw

 

Re: Talking about transference to your husband/SO? » lookdownfish

Posted by orchid on October 20, 2005, at 15:06:34

In reply to Re: Talking about transference to your husband/SO?, posted by lookdownfish on October 19, 2005, at 18:35:33

Thanks for your advice lookdownfish.

Yeah, I think it is easier for men to take it if their wife's attachment is to a female T.

I am not sure if my hsuband will be able to handle it with lot of empathy. Most likely he will get extremely angry. But maybe in a few months he might come to make peace with it. Let me think about it more. !!

Thanks for your perspective!!

 

Re: Talking about transference to your husband/SO? » orchid

Posted by Dinah on October 20, 2005, at 15:47:05

In reply to Talking about transference to your husband/SO?, posted by orchid on October 19, 2005, at 16:36:06

My transference isn't something I can't share with my husband. He may not understand why, but he understands how much I need my therapist and how I see him as a mother figure.

 

Re: Talking about transference to your husband/SO? » orchid

Posted by Dinah on October 20, 2005, at 15:49:36

In reply to Talking about transference to your husband/SO?, posted by orchid on October 19, 2005, at 16:36:06

P.S.

I'm also not a huge fan of total honesty in any relationship. If something only has the potential to hurt the other party, and it's in the past and not a factor in the relationship today, I kind of think that it's better for the person bearing the secret to continue bearing it alone.

But I'm no relationship specialist, obviously.

 

Re: Talking about transference to your husband/SO? » messadivoce

Posted by orchid on October 20, 2005, at 17:24:48

In reply to Re: Talking about transference to your husband/SO? » orchid, posted by messadivoce on October 19, 2005, at 18:52:05

Hi Voce
Thanks for your advice.

You are right.. It might make my husband very angry!! That is something to be considered.

It is probably very hard for him to be able to understand the full potential of transference. He definitely will get very upset. And maybe it is not really worth it.

 

Re: Talking about transference to your husband/SO? » JenStar

Posted by orchid on October 20, 2005, at 17:27:41

In reply to Re: Talking about transference to your husband/SO? » orchid, posted by JenStar on October 19, 2005, at 19:15:25

Hi Jen,

Yes, I think you are right!! I shouldn't unnecessarily burden him with all the unwanted details.

But maybe your other suggestion of starting to talk about him slowly is also good. He does know quite a bit about therapy, and therapists being mirrors and patients being attached to therapists etc. And he also knows a little about my attraction. So maybe he would have suspected it anyway!! But it may not be necessary for me to worry him with the full extent of knowledge. Plus it might put too much of strain on the marriage, and it is not going to bring anything constructive. So myabe I will just keep it like this.

 

Re: Talking about transference to your husband/SO? » Tamar

Posted by orchid on October 20, 2005, at 17:29:41

In reply to Re: Talking about transference to your husband/SO? » orchid, posted by Tamar on October 19, 2005, at 19:22:10

That is true. To fully explain things to him and make him understand, I will have to bring out the problems I had with my father. And it might lead to a permanent rift between them.

Anyway, I never wanted to have any problems in my marriage. I always dreamt of having a smooth marriage and being good to each other and kind of loyal etc. It is sad to realize that none of it worked out that way.

But maybe that is what reality is.

Thanks for your views Tamar.

 

Re: Talking about transference to your husband/SO? » fairywings

Posted by orchid on October 20, 2005, at 17:32:20

In reply to Re: Talking about transference to your husband/SO? » orchid, posted by fairywings on October 20, 2005, at 9:05:25

Actually nowadays, my husband jokes with me about being a psychologist. He understands me very well these days, so keeps teasing me about being my psychiatrist himself.

He says, if I can manage you, I can be a good psychiatrist to anyone. I am ready for my masters in psychiatry etc.

And I kind of let him know the patterns in my thought also. There are sometimes I go into this mode of anger/complications etc, and nowadays, when the mode starts I warn my husband, and he brazes himself. He understands I have lot of emotional issues, so for half hour he just keeps quite and listens to all my steaming out. And then anyway I cool down and say sorry and life gets back to normal and we joke about it!!.

So maybe he might understand.

 

Re: Talking about transference to your husband/SO? » Dinah

Posted by orchid on October 20, 2005, at 17:35:45

In reply to Re: Talking about transference to your husband/SO? » orchid, posted by Dinah on October 20, 2005, at 15:49:36

Thanks Dinah!!

Maybe it is best to keep it to myself. Maybe eventually, some day I will tell him, but maybe now is not the right time.

Plus, I think he already knows about it little bit. That is enough for now. And it doesn't matter anymore anyways.


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