Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 567926

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Blessing in Disguise » Dinah

Posted by orchid on October 18, 2005, at 17:32:56

In reply to I guess mood swings are comparatively normal, posted by Dinah on October 18, 2005, at 17:25:07

Somehow I have a really strong feeling that what happened with your T will end up being a good thing.

I had been recently feeling, you had reached a plateau with him. And it was time to let go and move on.

Even though he was safe to hold on to, I think it wasn't helping you as much as it should have been.

New life and change is always hard to adjust to, and looks threatening in the beginning, but you might just be glad few months down the line for the way things turned out to be. You might emerge into a more happier and peaceful person.

Just hang in there.

 

Re: Blessing in Disguise

Posted by Pfinstegg on October 18, 2005, at 17:59:38

In reply to Blessing in Disguise » Dinah, posted by orchid on October 18, 2005, at 17:32:56

Oh, Dinah- this is awfully hard after ten years. Is he actually settling someplace far away from you? Has he decided to give up being a therapist altogether? Painful as it would be, I do think at least a few sessions to help terminate would be better than such an abrupt ending.

 

Re: I guess mood swings are comparatively normal » Dinah

Posted by gardenergirl on October 18, 2005, at 23:06:51

In reply to I guess mood swings are comparatively normal, posted by Dinah on October 18, 2005, at 17:25:07

I think mood swings are very normal in a time like that.

And I really do think you're going to be okay. You've got some good coping strategies. Reminding yourself of what you do have, and that pain passes (or at least waxes and wanes?) are very good ways to cope.

(((dinah)))

Please keep letting us know how we can help.

Oh, and I need to reply to your last email...I will. Promise.

gg

 

Re: sigh. Today it doesn't look so funny. Trigger. » Dinah

Posted by cricket on October 19, 2005, at 7:36:58

In reply to sigh. Today it doesn't look so funny. Trigger., posted by Dinah on October 18, 2005, at 13:17:14

(((((Dinah)))))

It is so hard. It's hard under normal circumstances when we feel rejected by our therapists and now to add it to everything else you are dealing with.

I wish I could just snap my fingers and take you back to before the storm.

But maybe some good can come out of all of this upheaval.

My therapist said to me yesterday, "Can't you believe that good can come from change?"

It's hard to believe it sometimes, but in your case Dinah I will. I'll hold onto the belief that things can get better for you.

 

I could never see it that way. » orchid

Posted by Dinah on October 19, 2005, at 10:25:58

In reply to Blessing in Disguise » Dinah, posted by orchid on October 18, 2005, at 17:32:56

For me abandonments are never blessings, disguised or not.

 

I guess I don't know for sure » Pfinstegg

Posted by Dinah on October 19, 2005, at 10:34:20

In reply to Re: Blessing in Disguise, posted by Pfinstegg on October 18, 2005, at 17:59:38

My best evidence that he's planning to abandon me completely is his refusal to say he isn't, when normally he has no problem with that. He's totally avoiding that. He won't say he *is* but then again he probably wouldn't do that in email anyway. We have an agreement that he's to arrange for hospitalization for me if he ever terminates me, and he can't do that long distance.

I'm going to have my husband drop me off and pick me up from my appointment, so that he can bring me to the hospital if I find it necessary. And I'll be full of Risperdal with maybe a dash of Klonopin too.

I don't know what's going on with him. The last I heard his plans were to be in the city one day a week, commuting from the place he moved three hours away. And that I could drive to see him there as well. Then suddenly he had an opportunity to leave town for a month on work, and did. And since then I have no idea what his plans are. I'm not sure he does either.

But his chatty news involved stories of meeting with the consulting firm he travels for, and I have no idea what his wife thinks of travel, except that she apparently doesn't mind it as much as I do.

I don't think I want any termination sessions. In fact I'm sure I wouldn't. My fury would get in the way of any productive work being done. It would be nice if I could blame circumstances, and not him. But I'm not that nice. Once he announces the intent to abandon, he has effectively ceased to be my therapist, in my eyes. How can you even have termination sessions with someone who abandoned you?

I hope it doesn't come to that. Even if it's just that he agrees to see me whenever he's in town, it won't feel like such an abandonment.

 

Re: I guess mood swings are comparatively normal » gardenergirl

Posted by Dinah on October 19, 2005, at 10:36:46

In reply to Re: I guess mood swings are comparatively normal » Dinah, posted by gardenergirl on October 18, 2005, at 23:06:51

I'm kind of hoping it passes. Waxing and waning hurts, and you don't even know how to prepare for it. Eventually, I hope it passes.

Even if it turns out that he's just being a mess rather than trying not to tell me he's terminating me, I hope that I use this opportunity to learn never to rely on anyone again. I hope I can break the bonds of trust.

It's just that it would be easier to learn that slowly, and at my speed.

 

Re: sigh. Today it doesn't look so funny. Trigger. » cricket

Posted by Dinah on October 19, 2005, at 10:44:00

In reply to Re: sigh. Today it doesn't look so funny. Trigger. » Dinah, posted by cricket on October 19, 2005, at 7:36:58

I hope so. I don't see any way right now, but I hope so.

T3 has agreed to see me on a short term basis. She says we'll evaluate long term as we go along.

I like her, she seems intuitive and sensible, and she's a bit older than me, which I think is sort of important. That'll make finding therapists harder as I get older. :)

But there are drawbacks. I don't like the insistence on short term. I understand why. She doesn't know me. Neither of us knows T1's plans. She is understandably cautious and wants an out.

But it just seems like more uncertainty in an already uncertain life. Not that I very well might not decide I don't like her anyway. But still...

And I suspect she thinks I can do without therapy and wants to convince me of that.

Oh, and she travels a lot. :))

Still, I like her, and I'm not up to another search right now. It's too soon that I hear my therapist's plans.

 

Re: I could never see it that way. » Dinah

Posted by orchid on October 19, 2005, at 12:10:58

In reply to I could never see it that way. » orchid, posted by Dinah on October 19, 2005, at 10:25:58

Don't think of it as an abondonment.

Think of it more in terms of growing up and leaving home.

 

Re: sigh. Today it doesn't look so funny. Trigger. » Dinah

Posted by cricket on October 19, 2005, at 13:25:46

In reply to Re: sigh. Today it doesn't look so funny. Trigger. » cricket, posted by Dinah on October 19, 2005, at 10:44:00

>
> Still, I like her, and I'm not up to another search right now. It's too soon that I hear my therapist's plans.

I sure hope he has some solid concrete plans to tell you. Is that definite? Or are you just hoping that?

 

Just hoping. Sigh. » cricket

Posted by Dinah on October 19, 2005, at 14:21:52

In reply to Re: sigh. Today it doesn't look so funny. Trigger. » Dinah, posted by cricket on October 19, 2005, at 13:25:46

I've always known he was the most disorganized man alive. It's just worse under these conditions.

 

More like drop-kicked from home. :( (nm) » orchid

Posted by Dinah on October 19, 2005, at 14:22:30

In reply to Re: I could never see it that way. » Dinah, posted by orchid on October 19, 2005, at 12:10:58

 

Re: I guess I don't know for sure

Posted by Pfinstegg on October 19, 2005, at 14:48:37

In reply to I guess I don't know for sure » Pfinstegg, posted by Dinah on October 19, 2005, at 10:34:20

Gosh, Dinah, this sounds so complicated. The one thing you can count on is seeing him (at his old office?) one time a week? And, IF he is not away on business, one additional time three hours a way? It sounds as though he is not able to think of his patients in as professional a way as he usually would now. Has he lost his house, which I know is not too far from yours? I'm feeling that immediate financial issues may be crucial to him.

 

Re: sigh. Today it doesn't look so funny. Trigger. » Dinah

Posted by Annierose on October 19, 2005, at 16:47:28

In reply to Re: sigh. Today it doesn't look so funny. Trigger. » cricket, posted by Dinah on October 19, 2005, at 10:44:00

I am happy to read that T3 will at least see you short term. You know how these short term relationships often end up .... 10 years later :-)

When I started back with my current T (21 months ago), I really thought I was just going back to finally say "good-bye". I had quit mid-session, and I was curious to see her again. I never imagined myself back, full tilt, and experiencing all this stuff with her ... AGAIN! AT least, I now have the strength to actually address our relationship and how it affects me.

I hope she gets to know you. And I hope you feel comfortable with her, comfortable enough to talk about your main T. Your relationship with him is very important to you, therefore important to discuss. When do you see her next?

My girlfriend is heading towards New Orleans to help her sister sort out her house, clean, organize and have a good cry.

 

Re: I guess I don't know for sure » Pfinstegg

Posted by Dinah on October 19, 2005, at 17:42:23

In reply to Re: I guess I don't know for sure, posted by Pfinstegg on October 19, 2005, at 14:48:37

No, if I could count on that, I'd be pretty happy. I'm distressed because I can't count on that. There are so many variables. :(

Before he left, he said he'd just be gone this one month, then things would go back to what I described. But now he won't say that.

 

Re: sigh. Today it doesn't look so funny. Trigger. » Annierose

Posted by Dinah on October 19, 2005, at 17:47:34

In reply to Re: sigh. Today it doesn't look so funny. Trigger. » Dinah, posted by Annierose on October 19, 2005, at 16:47:28

It's wonderful how families have come together to help their New Orleans relatives. My mother's nephew was coming down, with his company's blessing, to help her out when my aunt died and my mother left. And her sister is insisting on coming back down with her despite the lousy living conditions at my mother's waterlogged hoarding house. I hope your friend's sister is able to restore her home.

When outlining some short term goals, I openly admitted that if my therapist ends up completely terminating me, then that would probably be the focus of therapy, what I needed most help with.

Sigh.

 

Re: sigh. Today it doesn't look so funny. Trigger. » Dinah

Posted by Tamar on October 19, 2005, at 18:09:16

In reply to Re: sigh. Today it doesn't look so funny. Trigger. » Annierose, posted by Dinah on October 19, 2005, at 17:47:34

Oh Dinah, I hope so much he doesn’t end up terminating you. From what you said, it sounds to me as if his plans are *still* not fixed, and I hope that will keep things a bit more open to negotiation, though of course at the same time it means further uncertainty.

I also hope he can learn to manage contact with you a bit better. In a way, the boundaries can be redrawn with a little discussion, but it seems more of a worry that he doesn’t communicate with you in a way that you find therapeutic.

I know it’s awful to be so uncertain about the future. I hope T3 manages to help you stay on an even keel until T1 gets his act together. I know I’m a bad b*tch… but is there any way you can use your new-found influence over T1 for your own ends? (Hmm, that’s probably too much…)

Tamar

 

Re: sigh. Today it doesn't look so funny. Trigger. » Dinah

Posted by fallsfall on October 19, 2005, at 20:22:49

In reply to Re: sigh. Today it doesn't look so funny. Trigger. » cricket, posted by Dinah on October 19, 2005, at 10:44:00

I'm glad that T3 will work with you. And as things progress you'll know more about what you want, and she'll be able to assess whether the situation that you thought would prevent therapy with her will be a problem.

I like that you feel reasonably comfortable with her. Just take it a little at a time. There is nothing wrong with spending months talking about a previous therapist. I did it!

I'm glad that you have some support that you can count on (how much does she travel???) during all of this upheaval.

And I'm incredibly proud of you for calling her and reaching out to a new therapist.

 

Re: sigh. Today it doesn't look so funny. Trigger. » Tamar

Posted by Dinah on October 20, 2005, at 8:46:41

In reply to Re: sigh. Today it doesn't look so funny. Trigger. » Dinah, posted by Tamar on October 19, 2005, at 18:09:16

:-)

Well, he said rather testily that he has no plans to terminate me, so if I'm correct about his unwillingness to comment on certain things, you're probably right. He just has no idea what he's going to do.

I talked to T3 specifically about my fears of losing T1, and that's one of the things we're going to focus on. Although I think we approach it in different ways, if I'm understanding correctly. She seems to think it's really important for me to have confidence in myself such that I don't feel so dependent. Or something like that.

I'm not sure my dependence is based on lack of confidence. I think it's probably based on rare (for me) unconditional attachment.

 

Re: sigh. Today it doesn't look so funny. Trigger. » fallsfall

Posted by Dinah on October 20, 2005, at 8:50:32

In reply to Re: sigh. Today it doesn't look so funny. Trigger. » Dinah, posted by fallsfall on October 19, 2005, at 20:22:49

It would appear that she travels about as much as T1 used to travel, but less than he's travelling now. Of course, it's not such a problem with her as I have no intention of becoming dependent on her.

I do have some reservations, but she appears sensible and straightforward, not overly or underly solicitous, and not scary. She also doesn't appear to disapprove of me, although she hasn't seen me in person yet so it's still possible. That's good enough for a start.

 

Re: sigh. Today it doesn't look so funny. » Dinah

Posted by Annierose on October 20, 2005, at 10:02:03

In reply to Re: sigh. Today it doesn't look so funny. Trigger. » fallsfall, posted by Dinah on October 20, 2005, at 8:50:32

So when do you have your first official session with T3? Try to keep an open mind. She won't be "him".

Are you doing better today?

 

Well, NOW, I'm doing better » Annierose

Posted by Dinah on October 20, 2005, at 15:12:43

In reply to Re: sigh. Today it doesn't look so funny. » Dinah, posted by Annierose on October 20, 2005, at 10:02:03

My therapist just sent me a completely uncomprehending and very dense but very sweet email to which I will not reply but merely hold on to the good feelings till he is back here.

And try not to worry so much.

I've already had the extra-long opening session with T3. That's how we discovered the potential problem. It wasn't particularly noteworthy except that I decided not to bring my husband in for the husband part of sex therapy because she is in favor of total honesty in a marriage. And she won't promise confidentiality from the other half of a couple, although I think she did say that she would tell me if I were venturing into unpromised confidentiality territory.

Sooo... I guess I'll do the half version of sex therapy.

What I liked about her was that she saw a common thread linking a lot of my problems, including sex, and including my extreme ambivilance about sex therapy. She didn't get into it too much, but I felt like she understood me or at least had seen enough people like me that I wouldn't astound her or anything. I guess I'll be able to check my assumption that she has good intuition when she explains the link as she understands it.

I also kind of liked that she is REALLY into client empowerment. Little does she know that I'm quite used to being empowered in therapy. But she backed off right away when I said I didn't want to discuss something under the circumstances of not being sure if this would be a long term arrangement and said that it was good that I was trusting myself in those matters.

So... She's not pushy, and she may or may not be intuitive.

Other than that, and the overall impression that she's a level headed sensible sort, the session was relatively unremarkable.

But then again, therapy generally is unremarkable until you trust each other enough to let down your guard, and speak the truth. (As opposed to just being accurate or not telling lies.)

 

Re: Well, NOW, I'm doing better » Dinah

Posted by Annierose on October 20, 2005, at 16:08:16

In reply to Well, NOW, I'm doing better » Annierose, posted by Dinah on October 20, 2005, at 15:12:43

Even though he didn't listen to you and sent you an e-mail, it seems as though, it brought a smile to your face. He does care. He wants you to understand that he is trying (rather clumsily) that he still wants to be your therapist.

I like that T3's speciality is sex therapy. Sounds interesting. Is she the T you thought about seeing 1 or 2 years ago ... vaguely remember a post about that?

 

Re: Well, NOW, I'm doing better » Annierose

Posted by Dinah on October 20, 2005, at 17:51:56

In reply to Re: Well, NOW, I'm doing better » Dinah, posted by Annierose on October 20, 2005, at 16:08:16

Yes :)

For the first time in a while he sounded like himself. Not some overstressed stranger, but like him. Maybe that's a good sign. At the very least, I'll stop obsessing about it till I see him again. Unless he contacts me again and blows it.

It is indeed the same therapist. I really wasn't going to try again after T2, but then I remembered that this was something that I wanted to try anyway. So even if things miraculously get back to seminormal with my therapist, it won't have hurt to see her for sex therapy and some other stuff thrown in. I think we're even going to lead with sex therapy.

That may be one reason for her caution, come to think of it. She remembers my contacting her too. I'm not sure how well she remembers it, but perhaps she remembers my therapist's severe doubts about sex therapy when I'm so ambivilant about it.

 

Re: Well, NOW, I'm doing better » Dinah

Posted by Annierose on October 23, 2005, at 17:11:27

In reply to Re: Well, NOW, I'm doing better » Annierose, posted by Dinah on October 20, 2005, at 17:51:56

I must have missed this post.

Sex therapy sounds very interesting, and I agree, it can never hurt. In my T's on-line bio of sorts, she mentions she works with sexual issues/dysfunction. After reading this over a year ago, it's then I felt more comfortable bringing up this issue, knowing that besides being a T and comfortable with most subjects, she has a particular interest in helping people with these sorts of problems. We have danced around the issue, talked about it, but I don't think I'm quite ready to bring all of my fears into the session just yet. BUT ... according to my husband, he feels there has been a definite improvement (one of the reasons he doesn't object so much to the money I spend on therapy!!!!).

Insight into any topic is illuminating. I hope lots of light bulbs go off for you (no pun intended). Anything PG 13 that you can share, I'd love to learn too.


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