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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LauraG on October 17, 2005, at 20:27:39
I don't post too much, but today I need your support. My T (who I was first seeing 2x a week, then once for individual and once for a group she started which I really hate) has "proposed" that I only see her for group and we stop the individual! I feel devastated! I've been seeing her for 3 1/2 years. As much as I hate to admit it, I feel very attached to her. I feel like I'm being punished b/c I'm not the most open person, it's really hard for me to be totally open with people. But I felt like I was doing okay with her. This came out of the blue. I wasn't expecting it at all! So, she isn't saying to go away completely. She said "we are just changing modalities b/c what we are doing in individual is not working." I have felt that she has been frustrated with me lately, although when I asked her if she was she did not answer. Yes, it's partly my fault, but isn't she also partly responsible for not being able to help me get there or something?
Ugh! I feel so sick. I can still see her, but basically I have to "share" her time with other people. I had a hard enough time telling her really private things, let alone telling complete strangers! I know she said it would be wrong of her to continue individual if it isn't working for me, but after so long? It still feels like a punishment. And I haven't been nearly as open in group as I have been in indiv. How can she do this to me?! I feel like she has cut me off altogether! I have been so afraid of this ever since I realized that I felt attached to her. I hate this!!
Am I wrong? Was it wrong for her to do this? The way she did it? (which I'm sure you don't have enough details for, sorry) I guess if she had said something like "I'll have to terminate you if you don't open up more," it would have seemed like a threat.
Any advice? How do I not feel SO horrid?
Posted by Dinah on October 17, 2005, at 20:48:04
In reply to Please help! My T terminated me!!!!!!!, posted by LauraG on October 17, 2005, at 20:27:39
Is there any hope of changing her mind? I've known of a couple of cases where the client was able to change the therapist's mind by enumerating the actual benefits they were receiving from therapy, and by expressing their feelings at being terminated, or in this case transferred completely to group therapy.
I don't think there *is* any way not to feel horrid. Being terminated feels horrid even in the best of situations.
What benefits do *you* think you're getting out of individual therapy?
Posted by Annierose on October 17, 2005, at 21:07:12
In reply to Please help! My T terminated me!!!!!!!, posted by LauraG on October 17, 2005, at 20:27:39
I agree with everything Dinah said, plus, I would add, telling her how attached you feel. Try your hardest, knowing that she can't seem to "un-stick" you. Getting that statement out there, exploring why terminating now would feel so painful, so rejecting, would help. She needs to hear how you are feeling.
Have you been able to tell her how you feel about group therapy? Does she know that "sharing" her time is difficult for you?
I know how hard saying these things is. You feel so vulnerable, so exposed. But when she tells you that "individual is not working", ask her "why does she think that?"
It is not your fault. Did you give you a timeline when she would like to start seeing you only in group?
Posted by daisym on October 17, 2005, at 23:48:43
In reply to Please help! My T terminated me!!!!!!!, posted by LauraG on October 17, 2005, at 20:27:39
Gosh, this sounds really hard Laura. I agree with everyone else, you need to tell her how it is effecting you. Have the last few sessions really been hard? What exactly does "not working" mean?
I would be heart broken too. I hope you can find a way to talk to her about all this.
Posted by Pfinstegg on October 18, 2005, at 0:57:56
In reply to Re: Please help! My T terminated me!!!!!!!, posted by daisym on October 17, 2005, at 23:48:43
I agree with everyone, too. What she did would be so painful to all of us, and would be a kind of re-traumatization. The fact that you are really attached to her is very important and healing in and of itself. Be sure to tell her how important that is to you! And everyone has their own timetable as to how fast we are able to get better; we'd all like to have a fast one, but many of us don't. She may be feeling a bit discouraged that things haven't moved a bit faster, and may have lost some of her confidence in her ability to help you. But it sounds like you have maintained your hope and confidence in her- that's what is really important!
I hope you will be able to tell her your feelings fully, and find a way to continue working with her. Maybe ask for an extra appointment this week? Sometimes bringing in things you have copied out from Babble can help a lot- especially your posts, but perhaps others' also.
Posted by fallsfall on October 18, 2005, at 7:33:29
In reply to Please help! My T terminated me!!!!!!!, posted by LauraG on October 17, 2005, at 20:27:39
I had a different experience.
I saw my therapist (my first therapist) for 8 1/2 years. Sometime into that period she started saying "I've taught you all I know" and "I don't know how I can help you anymore". I was intensely dependent on her, and I wasn't willing to hear that. Of course she could still help me! She was Wonder-Therapist. I would work harder. I would read everything I could to figure out how to help her figure me out.
I've been with my second therapist for 2 1/2 years now. The transition was excruciating. But I'm doing so much better now. He is very different from how she was - different therapeutic orientation, different style.
She was right. She *didn't* know how to help me anymore. I should have listened to her and moved on to a different therapist long before I did.
You might ask her if you could see someone else for individual, but stay in her group for a while. I used to see different therapists for individual and group therapy.
When therapy stops working, it is the therapist's responsibility to acknowledge that and change things.
But, boy, do I know how hard these situations are.
Talk openly with her about it, and good luck.
Posted by Dinah on October 18, 2005, at 9:03:20
In reply to Please help! My T terminated me!!!!!!!, posted by LauraG on October 17, 2005, at 20:27:39
It isn't always best to have the therapist take you back, although I know all too well that that's not how it feels.
I wouild have a hard time trusting again.
However, it still might be best in the long run to try to reach her, because it's always better to be in a position to make those decisions for yourself, instead of having them made for you.
Posted by fairywings on October 18, 2005, at 9:20:47
In reply to Please help! My T terminated me!!!!!!!, posted by LauraG on October 17, 2005, at 20:27:39
I agree that was very hurtful. I wonder if she understands how painful it is for you to hear this. Can you tell her, or write it out for her?
Can you continue with her long enough to find someone else you like?fw
Posted by Pfinstegg on October 18, 2005, at 9:34:15
In reply to Please help! My T terminated me!!!!!!!, posted by LauraG on October 17, 2005, at 20:27:39
Yeah, I can see that falls does have a very good point- and has been through the same thing herself, with a much better therapist now. The way it happened was so sudden, though, that I think it would really be good to talk it over with her for at least several sessions. I can't imagine the group being a success for you, because you will mainly feel hurt and rejected- and have said it's hard for you to be open even with one person, let alone many. This might be a chance to interview several new therapists while you are still working through the termination with your present T. If you decide on that, it is only professional for her to give you time with her to try to work through some of your feelings of anger and loss.
Falls has the ultimate post on how to find a new T- perhaps she can tell you where it is.
Posted by Emily Elizabeth on October 18, 2005, at 10:17:15
In reply to Please help! My T terminated me!!!!!!!, posted by LauraG on October 17, 2005, at 20:27:39
Ugh. That would feel awful. I'm so sorry. I just had an additional thought to add to what people have said above.
I am finishing up my training as a psychologist and as part of that, I have seen a number of clients in therapy. There were a few cases in which I suggested that we go from 2x/week to 1x/week or took a break for a while. Sometimes I did this b/c the client was doing so much better. It was a good thing! Sometimes I did it b/c the client was getting worse and I was worried that treatment was more destructive than constructive.
That is not to say that my clients always saw eye to eye with me. Sometimes it (unintentionally) hurt and it was very helpful to the treatment when the client could share that.
Also, this is something that T's can differ greatly on. I have some colleagues who really push a client to end as soon as they are functioning okay in their life again. These t's believe that it is irresponsible to keep people in treatment for long stretches of time. (I don't agree with these folks--I've seen my T for over 4 yrs!) On the other hand, I have some colleagues who will keep a person in treatment for years and years even if they are not getting a lot better any more. These folks believe that good and permanent change will come eventually. I myself fall somewhere in the middle, perhaps leaning toward keeping the person in therapy longer.
I don't know that any of this applies to your situation, but I thought I'd throw it out there just in case. Also, please let me be clear that i do NOT want to let your T off the hook. I want to help YOU.
You find yourself in a hard situation. I hope that we babblers can be helpful. Please post again to let us know how you are doing.
Best,
EE
Posted by LauraG on October 18, 2005, at 11:30:38
In reply to I am so sorry » LauraG, posted by Dinah on October 17, 2005, at 20:48:04
Thanks Dinah!
I'm not sure I could change her mind. I'm not even really sure how it is that she thinks she can help me better in group than she could in individual. It feels a but like a "squeeze play". By that I mean she knew I wanted to quit group but she didn't want to or feel that she could help me anymore in individual so she basically made it so she would be rid of me either way. No individual and if I quit group then "we can't work together anymore" her words for that. I know this is probably me being paranoid and she really is giving me her "professional opinion." I definitely got the impression that if I am able to open up a lot in group that we could resume individual, but it isn't clear to me why she thinks I could open up more in group. I sort of wonder if she just has more confidence in her ability as a group T?I have gotten a lot out of indiv. with her, but I haven't really changed anything yet. She has made all kinds of connections as to why I do and think certain things that I never would have thought of. It's been very eye opening, but I admit that I have been resistant to some of her ideas.
Posted by LauraG on October 18, 2005, at 11:39:46
In reply to Re: Please help! My T terminated me!!!!!!! » LauraG, posted by Annierose on October 17, 2005, at 21:07:12
Thanks Annierose!
Yes, she knows that I hate group. There are only two of us in there now and (this sounds mean but) I get a very creepy vibe from the other person. And she does know that it is hard for me to share my time with her. She claims that is my biggest issue that I need to deal with. (Goes back to when my younger sister was born and I had to share my mother with my sister.) I think it is hard for me to admit that is an issue for me b/c isn't it just the sibling stuff that everyone deals with?
Posted by LauraG on October 18, 2005, at 11:45:26
In reply to Re: Please help! My T terminated me!!!!!!!, posted by daisym on October 17, 2005, at 23:48:43
Thanks Daisy!
Yes, the last few months in fact have been hard. I've been more and more resistant to things she suggests, and then frustrated with myself afterwards b/c I know she has a good point. Getting mad at my mom for her doing what she knew how to do and being who she knew how to be at the time seems somehow wrong to me. She should have talked to someone when I was a little girl, but in the 70s going to see a therapist was more taboo and not like it is today, right? But my T feels I should be furious with my mom for not taking care of her issues when I was little. Does it sound strange to you at all?
Posted by LauraG on October 18, 2005, at 11:58:48
In reply to Re: Please help! My T terminated me!!!!!!!, posted by Pfinstegg on October 18, 2005, at 0:57:56
Thanks Pfinstegg!
I admit to being a little slow at this. You said:
>>The fact that you are really attached to her is very important and healing in and of itself. Be sure to tell her how important that is to you!Why is that, that I'm really attached to her is impt and healing?
>>She may be feeling a bit discouraged that things haven't moved a bit faster, and may have lost some of her confidence in her ability to help you.
I wonder that too, but I guess they don't like to tell us that? And I wonder too if she feels more confident in her ability as a group T, but I'm not sure why that will make things different for me. Any ideas?
>>But it sounds like you have maintained your hope and confidence in her- that's what is really important!
Yes, and I have never imagined getting through all this with anyone but her, but I guess that is always true for each of us? I think she probably doesn't know this.
>
> I hope you will be able to tell her your feelings fully, and find a way to continue working with her. Maybe ask for an extra appointment this week?Me too. I called her twice yesterday to ask for one today or tomorrow morning before group, but she hasn't returned my calls, which is unlike her and causes me to become paranoid and imagine she is avoiding me.
Ugh, I never thought this would happen to me!
Boo hoo hoo!!!
Posted by LauraG on October 18, 2005, at 12:02:38
In reply to Re: Please help! My T terminated me!!!!!!!, posted by fallsfall on October 18, 2005, at 7:33:29
Thanks Fallsfall!
I have thought too about maybe seeing someone else for indiv. and still be in her group. But, that thought really made me hurt a lot. I just can't imagine starting over with someone new! I know people do it and it is hard, was for you. Ugh! I haven't really decided yet if I'll contact someone new, although I do have someone in mind.
Posted by LauraG on October 18, 2005, at 12:04:43
In reply to Re: Please help! My T terminated me!!!!!!!, posted by fallsfall on October 18, 2005, at 7:33:29
Posted by LauraG on October 18, 2005, at 12:11:41
In reply to Re: Please help! My T terminated me!!!!!!! » LauraG, posted by fairywings on October 18, 2005, at 9:20:47
Thanks Fairywings!
I imagine she would say she understands this is very hard for me, although I feel that would be from her experience and probably not from knowing how attached I really feel to her. I've always been afraid that she won't handle it well if I tell her things like that, but I guess I can try again. In the past she has accused me of trying to change our relationship which made me not want to share those kinds of things. I should write it out for her I guess, but I worry she will have no reaction at all and I'll take that to mean she doens't like me.I think she would let me stay with her until I found someone else, but I am concerned that here it is noon and she hasn't returned my calls froom yesterday asking for an appointment today.
Posted by LauraG on October 18, 2005, at 12:16:23
In reply to Re: Please help! My T terminated me!!!!!!! » LauraG, posted by Emily Elizabeth on October 18, 2005, at 10:17:15
Thanks EE!
Yes, the past couple of months I have been feeling worse/more depressed when I would leave her office. I'm sure she is doing this b/c I'm not getting any better, but the paranoid part of me feels like I'm being punished and I wish she had discussed things with me before making this kind of a decision. I wish she'd call! I hope I get to talk to her before group tomorrow!
Posted by Tamar on October 19, 2005, at 18:42:29
In reply to Re: Please help! My T terminated me!!!!!!! » Emily Elizabeth, posted by LauraG on October 18, 2005, at 12:16:23
Did she explain to you why she thinks it's best to terminate therapy? If she believes she can't help you any more, then she should be able to tell you her reasons.
Tamar
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