Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 566008

Shown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

scared and tired **trigger**

Posted by B2chica on October 12, 2005, at 9:31:18

i think i'm in a denial stage of all the sexual things that have happened to me over the years. but i think i'm at a crossroads with my T. do i just leave it alone now, or do i dig deep and start exploring all this crud.
mostly *i'm scared to talk about it and tired of thinking about it!*

i can't get thoughts and images out of my head. sometimes it seems like every minute of every day i'm thinking of this stuff and it makes me sick to my stomach. it also sometimes feels like it's not real, that it wasn't really me it happened to. (thus the denial part). but i have these images so i know i had to be there.

every once in a while at work i'll realize i've gone 10- or 15 minutes without thinking about it...that feels nice.
i see T on thursday and am scared to go.

how do i get through all this.

and in september i had another epc called on me for S. attempt, so this time i had to go infront of the mental health board (like a hearing) and am required to go to DBT along with my sessions with T. i went last saturday and started ok, but then started getting really board. what s@cks is that this 'board' is making me go but *I* have to pay for it.... freggin ticks me off. i want to skip a few sessions, but i'm afraid to cuz there is a case worker assigned to me and she will be checking up to see if i'm 'following my treatment plan' and if i'm not they can actually issue a warrant for me.
ok, had to vent that all out.

but i'm more concerned about the top section of this long message.
thanks for listening.
b2c.

 

Re: scared and tired **trigger** » B2chica

Posted by antigua on October 12, 2005, at 9:59:30

In reply to scared and tired **trigger**, posted by B2chica on October 12, 2005, at 9:31:18

I don't have anything heartening to say, except I just know how you feel. It feels like it will never end, but we have to hope that it will. I want so badly to give up because it's so hard right now, but I have these three great kids. I don't know, maybe it's time to pull back in a little? My T says I know when to pull back for safety purposes, but it sure doesn't feel like it.
Don't mean to be such a bummer; you have enough to keep you busy, but I guess we just have to keep moving along, trying the best we can.
antigua

 

Re: scared and tired **trigger** » B2chica

Posted by pegasus on October 12, 2005, at 10:15:19

In reply to scared and tired **trigger**, posted by B2chica on October 12, 2005, at 9:31:18

I know (and I know you know) that we're all going to say that it's most helpful to your life long term if you stay with it. But I wish I knew what to say about how to have the courage for it. I personally really think there are right times and wrong times for digging. Just my opinion. Does it seem like the right time to you, despite the fear?

p

 

Re: scared and tired **trigger**

Posted by B2chica on October 12, 2005, at 10:48:21

In reply to Re: scared and tired **trigger** » B2chica, posted by pegasus on October 12, 2005, at 10:15:19

-thanks for the support antigua.

-pegasus, i think deep down i know i have to start digging. all i've really done is get it out in the open. no real further discussion other than that. i'm just scared. scared to talk...i think that's what makes it -for real. that's scary. i mean. it's real, it really happened, and to me. it's not my imagination, not a bad dream, not an over exaggeration. for real.

i'm scared of how it will effect my work, my relationship with my husband, and with my family. course i don't think i can do any worse at my job than i have this last year. glad to still have a job infact.
my problem is i always push myself and i think i'm also a little scared of continually digging when i should be pulling back. i'm so scared to jump into this ocean of emotion, i know i'll need sometype of rope tied to me to pull me back when it gets too bad cuz i just don't think i could do it, i'd push and push and push.

-maybe that's it. i'll tell T what i just said, and ask him if he'll be my rope and pull me back when he thinks i need to. scarily he knows me quite well. i think he could do this.
you think?

what do you all do to stop ruminating on abuse?
b2c.

 

i want a take back.

Posted by B2chica on October 12, 2005, at 11:01:49

In reply to scared and tired **trigger**, posted by B2chica on October 12, 2005, at 9:31:18

i've been thinking about my fear and i think it stems from this: just getting it all out there, saying it outloud. remember when you were kids and you had 'take backs'. well i'm scared and i want a take back. pretend i NEVER said ANYTHING! i'm fine, nothings wrong, no one ever hurt me.

 

Re: i want a take back.

Posted by muffled on October 12, 2005, at 12:38:52

In reply to i want a take back., posted by B2chica on October 12, 2005, at 11:01:49

> i've been thinking about my fear and i think it stems from this: just getting it all out there, saying it outloud. remember when you were kids and you had 'take backs'. well i'm scared and i want a take back. pretend i NEVER said ANYTHING! i'm fine, nothings wrong, no one ever hurt me.
>

Yeah i'm with you on that one. Actually you sounded very coherant and clever in your post. My T said to me I didn't have to do anything I didn't want to do. That I'd proly know when the time was right. I could just chill on stuff awhile. Man , that was SO great!
Take care B2, your sounding real good. I think you must be learning lots.
Muffled.

 

Re: i want a take back. » muffled

Posted by B2chica on October 12, 2005, at 12:44:40

In reply to Re: i want a take back., posted by muffled on October 12, 2005, at 12:38:52

thanks muffled, i do feel like i'm learning from this T. and my T said i didn't have to do anything i didn't want to also. i like that, but at times i feel like i need it to be pulled out of me cuz i hate just coming out and saying stuff. though sometimes it does feel natural.
i think i'm finally on a med combo that works but now i guess that means it's time to dig in.
b2c.

 

Re: i want a take back. » B2chica

Posted by Poet on October 12, 2005, at 18:49:19

In reply to i want a take back., posted by B2chica on October 12, 2005, at 11:01:49

Hi B2chica,

I tried to take it back. I told my T that I lied. I had no answer as to why I lied other than I wanted attention. She didn't buy that one for a second. T said that when I am ready to talk again I should bring it up. She won't mention it until I do.

That was I can't even remember how many months ago. The last time I thought about it was hours ago. I will talk about it in therapy when I am strong enough to hear what I am saying. I don't want to lie to myself, but I don't want to hear myself tell the truth right now. Does that make sense?

It's okay to talk about it, it's okay not to talk about. When I try to pressure myself it just makes it worse for me. I regret opening my mouth the minute I do it.

Don't try to push yourself before you are ready.

Poet

 

Re: scared and tired **trigger** » B2chica

Posted by fairywings on October 13, 2005, at 0:11:14

In reply to scared and tired **trigger**, posted by B2chica on October 12, 2005, at 9:31:18

>do i just leave it alone now, or do i dig deep and start exploring all this crud.
> mostly *i'm scared to talk about it and tired of thinking about it!*

Hi B2,

Don't you think it would be counterproductive to turn back at this point? I mean, you've come so far, and worked so hard, and it's not going to go away if you don't go forward and explore it, so at some point you'll really have to revisit all this stuff, might as well be now, when it's "there" and you're into it. What does your T say about the pace you're working? Are you maybe pushing too hard?

>
> i can't get thoughts and images out of my head. sometimes it seems like every minute of every day i'm thinking of this stuff and it makes me sick to my stomach.

What does your T say about that? How are the meds working for you now, any better? What's p-doc say about all the intrusive thoughts?


>
> i see T on thursday and am scared to go.

Go! Is it going to make you feel better to skip going, esp. if you know ppl are checking up on you? You'll have that much more to worry about.

>
> how do i get through all this.

One minute, one hour, one day at a time. Pull out all the stops to take care of yourself, and use any resources you have to get you through it.

>
i'm afraid to cuz there is a case worker assigned to me and she will be checking up to see if i'm 'following my treatment plan' and if i'm not they can actually issue a warrant for me.
> ok, had to vent that all out.

Geeze, like you're a freaking criminal or something, that really sucks! I'm so sorry B2!

(((hugs)))
fw

 

Re: i want a take back. » muffled

Posted by fairywings on October 13, 2005, at 0:13:57

In reply to Re: i want a take back., posted by muffled on October 12, 2005, at 12:38:52

> > My T said to me I didn't have to do anything I didn't want to do. That I'd proly know when the time was right. I could just chill on stuff awhile. Man , that was SO great!

My T said the same thing muffled - anything I wasn't comfortable with, he'd respect, and back off, and he has. I does make things feel a lot safer. What's your T say B2?

fw

 

Re: scared and tired **trigger** » B2chica

Posted by Tamar on October 13, 2005, at 7:45:26

In reply to scared and tired **trigger**, posted by B2chica on October 12, 2005, at 9:31:18

When I wasn’t sure whether to go digging, I talked to my therapist about my fears and my inability to make a decision about how to talk about it. I felt that I should stop skirting around the edges of it and just jump in and engage with it. And (if I remember correctly) he said that I didn’t have to do things that way. I could also deal with it in bits and pieces, or simply keep going around the edges. He said there are different ways of going about it, but that he couldn’t choose for me.

I think he also said that talking about it would help me to feel I had power over it. And he said that I might like to think about how I wanted to feel about it eventually. I said that I wanted to completely forget it ever happened, but that I knew it wasn’t a realistic answer. And so I said that I wanted to get to a point where I could think about it without feeling completely overwhelmed by it (or something like that).

I discovered that, for me, the answer wasn’t to go digging. But I did need to keep talking about it, almost every session, for quite a while. Talking about it more helped me think about it less – or at least I became able to think about it in a less overwhelming way. But there were times early on when the only way I could stop the thoughts was by going to sleep.

Maybe dealing with it in little bits rather than digging will be less scary and help you get through the denial. You don’t need to say everything in one session… If you can say just one or two things and talk about those, it will probably help. Start by picking things to talk about that aren’t too difficult to talk about: things that you can actually say. And take it slowly. Trying to rush doesn’t actually get you through it quicker; if anything, it makes things harder. It sounds to me as if you’ve been making really good progress, so don’t be too hard on yourself!

Tamar

 

Re: i want a take back. » B2chica

Posted by muffled on October 13, 2005, at 11:31:56

In reply to Re: i want a take back. » muffled, posted by B2chica on October 12, 2005, at 12:44:40

> thanks muffled, i do feel like i'm learning from this T. and my T said i didn't have to do anything i didn't want to also. i like that, but at times i feel like i need it to be pulled out of me cuz i hate just coming out and saying stuff. though sometimes it does feel natural.
> i think i'm finally on a med combo that works but now i guess that means it's time to dig in.
> b2c.
Well dig safely. We will be here. Let us know how its going.
Muffled

 

Re: i want a take back.

Posted by B2chica on October 14, 2005, at 9:22:05

In reply to Re: i want a take back. » B2chica, posted by muffled on October 13, 2005, at 11:31:56

Thank you all SO much. your support means the world to me.
i told my T yesterday that i'm really scared. that i'm scared to talk about it and tired of thinking about it. since i have this thing with setting dates he suggested i set a date for next monday to start, and that we just jump in at the beginning of session so that we'd have enough time to get 'there' and back before times up. he asked me to think of some type of protection, and right away i thought of a shield like in the mideval days, you know with a crest on it. well, he asked me to think of what would be on that crest (he knows i like to draw) so he said he wants me to draw it out and bring it in next week. that i didn't have to start next monday if i wasn't ready but to set some type of date.
i think i can do it, i just don't know how i'm supposed to start.

theres SO much to discuss, do i start when it all started? do i talk about the most recent and work backwards? how do i do this?
please if you have any suggestions. i think one of you mentioned start with whats easiest....none of it is. it all makes me feel uncomfortable, ashamed and humiliated.

b2c.

 

Re: i want a take back. » B2chica

Posted by Tamar on October 14, 2005, at 11:39:02

In reply to Re: i want a take back., posted by B2chica on October 14, 2005, at 9:22:05

I think your T’s suggestion to start on Monday is a good one.

And I really like the shield idea. I remember when I was thinking about how to talk about it I imagined my therapist picking weapons with me, as if we were going into battle side by side. I’m not sure he thought that was the most helpful metaphor, but it worked for me.

As for where to start… I journalled quite a bit before I started talking: I found that writing down some of it meant I had a chance to choose my words. I didn’t read what I’d written in therapy, but I had already started to give it all a vocabulary.

I started by talking about fear and shame. Just the feelings; not the events that went with them. And then when I talked a little about the events I went into rational mode and talked about it as if it had happened to someone else. It was a little while before I could describe what actually happened to me.

What you’re saying here at babble is that you’re afraid to talk about it. So maybe that’s the place to start. Maybe talk about the fear of talking, and the fear of giving your experiences a name: perhaps about the fear that saying it out loud makes it seem more real (if that’s how you feel).

One thing that helped me was trying to access my anger about it. I felt I could talk about it more easily if I felt angry about what they did to me. Of course, feeling angry means accepting that someone did something to you that was wrong, and you weren’t completely to blame. It’s difficult to believe that at first.

I started by feeling angry that even if they didn’t intend to hurt me, nevertheless they did hurt me. That even if they wouldn’t have called it an assault, nevertheless I felt assaulted. I felt angry that they could have been so careless about my feelings about what they did. And eventually I came to realise that in fact there was no way they could have thought it was consensual… but that took time.

I dunno… these are just a few ideas, and I don’t know if they’ll be helpful to you.

I hope your session on Monday goes as well as it possibly can.

Tamar


 

Re: i want a take back. » Tamar

Posted by B2chica on October 14, 2005, at 12:03:30

In reply to Re: i want a take back. » B2chica, posted by Tamar on October 14, 2005, at 11:39:02

>> I started by talking about fear and shame. Just the feelings; not the events that went with them. And then when I talked a little about the events I went into rational mode and talked about it as if it had happened to someone else. It was a little while before I could describe what actually happened to me.

i really like this idea.

> What you’re saying here at babble is that you’re afraid to talk about it. So maybe that’s the place to start. Maybe talk about the fear of talking, and the fear of giving your experiences a name: perhaps about the fear that saying it out loud makes it seem more real (if that’s how you feel).

thats exactly how i feel.


> I started by feeling angry that even if they didn’t intend to hurt me, nevertheless they did hurt me. That even if they wouldn’t have called it an assault, nevertheless I felt assaulted. I felt angry that they could have been so careless about my feelings about what they did. And eventually I came to realise that in fact there was no way they could have thought it was consensual… but that took time.

this is really good stuff Tamar. you are Very insightful. i'm gonna print this off and take it with me.
thank you very much. i'll write next tuesday to say how it went.
b2c.

 

Re: i want a take back. » Tamar

Posted by B2chica on October 18, 2005, at 8:54:30

In reply to Re: i want a take back. » B2chica, posted by Tamar on October 14, 2005, at 11:39:02

hey Tamar, just wanted to say i printed out what you said and read it during session yesterday and you got a compliment from my T (who's quite smart). he thought you were very well worded and he liked what you have to say.
Thanks, it helped yesterday go without a lot of anxiety.
b2c.

 

Re: i want a take back. » B2chica

Posted by Tamar on October 19, 2005, at 16:48:55

In reply to Re: i want a take back. » Tamar, posted by B2chica on October 18, 2005, at 8:54:30

> hey Tamar, just wanted to say i printed out what you said and read it during session yesterday and you got a compliment from my T (who's quite smart). he thought you were very well worded and he liked what you have to say.
> Thanks, it helped yesterday go without a lot of anxiety.
> b2c.

Hi B2C,

I’m glad your session went without too much anxiety. And it’s always nice to get a compliment from a T!

Thanks for posting that! And I hope you’ll find it gets easier as you keep talking about it.

Tamar


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