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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by antigua on October 7, 2005, at 11:47:30
Sometimes I think I can't write anything that isn't a trigger anymore. I'm feeling pretty pathetic these days.
I usually have one session/week but since I felt we had wasted our time on day-to-day issues this week, I asked for another session. So I saw her Wed and Thurs.
The Thurs session was very difficult. I even cried some (which I NEVER do anymore). Conveniently, I had a dream between the two sessions that involved her. Long story, but she interpreted part of it as there being a huge block between us, which I will agree with. So, how can I still not completely trust her after working with her for 14 years??? Iknow this is why we can't reach the devastating effects of the csa, because I refuse to fully acknowledge them. At times I still think I've totally made it up.
I've always known that I have two views of my abuser: the good father, who took care of me and loved me; and the beast who came into my room at night. I still love that good father and I just can't get to the beast, or accept that my father was that person. I can still feel and remember the terrible, mournful, disgusting feelings after he would leave my room at night, but the next morning things always seemed fine. Nobody ever said anything and life went on as normal, so my T says this is why I used the defense that this didn't happen and if it did, it was all my fault. My inner reality of what happened at night just clashed too much with the daytime life (even though things happened during the day, too, sometimes).
So my T was happy that she discovered the very basic kernel of my denial, but I don't see how that helps. I've always said my strength is my greatest weakness, and I've fought hard to keep it all very balanced. The thing is, I don't see any of this changing at all. I don't know how to open up anymore than I have with her. But it's not a matter of getting another T, that's just not the solution.
The flip side of this discussion was about me being attracted to men who appear on the surface to have the qualities of my good father. It's only happened two or three times, but when they reject me (which always happens), the rejection just brings up the rejection by my father when he finally left our family when I was still young. It's so very painful, and I'm going through this right now, and all I want is to be comforted and held. But it has to be by a man, and it's not my husband because he doesn't possess those qualities I so desparately loved. So my transference happens with these men (usually men of authority who I feel have betrayed me, but it's still my fault) and not with my T. She's the good maternal figure in my life, and she has done everything right in supporting me as my mother should have, but that's about it.
Anyone have any ideas or thoughts about all this?
thanks,
antigua
Posted by muffled on October 7, 2005, at 15:35:39
In reply to My sessions this week ***maybe trigger***LONG, posted by antigua on October 7, 2005, at 11:47:30
Posted by Annierose on October 7, 2005, at 16:35:21
In reply to My sessions this week ***maybe trigger***LONG, posted by antigua on October 7, 2005, at 11:47:30
I just want to say that I'm sorry you lived through that. It sounds like going twice in one week was helpful to your therapy. Are you able to do that on a more on-going basis?
Life patterns do tend to repeat themselves until we break the cycle ... but first we did to recognize the pattern, not always easy to do. Especially when our brains work so hard to maintain the status quo.
Thinking of you.
Posted by gardenergirl on October 8, 2005, at 17:28:40
In reply to Re: My sessions this week ***maybe trigger***LONG » antigua, posted by Annierose on October 7, 2005, at 16:35:21
Antigua,
I have similar feelings of longing to be held by a loving father figure. I tend to muddle up relationships with male authority figures with all the "dad" stuff I carry around--essentially the experience and memories of doing everything I could think of to "earn" his love and attention and always "failing".It's such a deep-rooted, primitive longing. And it's one that doesn't seem like it can ever be filled to satisfaction. My T and I have recently been talking about how it's something to be grieved, and also that marriage is about the closest thing I will ever find to this. And of course I love my husband dearly, but he doesn't feel as emotionally available as I would like or that I need to try to fill that void.
It's so hard.
And I think I can understand a bit about how you have trouble connecting the daytime father with the nighttime father. It sounds like a very adaptive thing to do.
I'm sorry you're struggling right now. I hope that this rough patch in therapy smoothes out and you still find it helpful.
(((antigua)))
gg
Posted by alexandra_k on October 8, 2005, at 20:01:40
In reply to My sessions this week ***maybe trigger***LONG, posted by antigua on October 7, 2005, at 11:47:30
(((((Antigua))))))
(hope you don't mind hugs)
i have a similar longing too...
one that doesn't seem to come up with females.
thats what got me wondering a little while back...
whether the transference that is experienced with male as opposed to female clinician's is different
(well, i know it is)
but about whether if you had a female clincian (for example) then you might not get to work through some of the stuff that you would be confronted with if you were working with a male clinician. and vice versa.
and so do we need to have therapy with different peoples (at different times) to work through all those transference issues or what?and i don't know...
and it is something that i still think on quite a lot.i felt like i had to be the good kid too.
couldn't acknowledge any pain or hurt or longing or anything. just had to be the good kid.and then he left...
and there it is.
but it is still hard thinking back on stuff...
thinking back on things that happened when i was a kid.
and i don't know...
i don't know what to make of it either.sounds like you are doing some really good work in therapy.
sounds like that extra session was really beneficial.
could you have some more of those???hang in there.
Posted by fairywings on October 10, 2005, at 23:35:58
In reply to My sessions this week ***maybe trigger***LONG, posted by antigua on October 7, 2005, at 11:47:30
Hi antigua,
I can relate to this too, I don't know if there's anything to do but keep plugging away with the therapy. Does your T offer any help as to why she feels the "kernal" is so significant, and how you can use it to help you move on?
I have never felt, for myself, that a female T could help me with these issues, because I felt I needed to work out the problems that I had with my dad with a responsive and caring male figure. I've seen female T's and didn't ever feel a thing for them. I don't know if, like alex said, seeing a male T brings out different aspects of the issues we're trying to deal with or not, or if it just depends of the person, and the T.
I hope you and your T can work through it.
(((hugs)))
fw
Posted by antigua on October 17, 2005, at 17:57:54
In reply to My sessions this week ***maybe trigger***LONG, posted by antigua on October 7, 2005, at 11:47:30
This is the end of the thread.
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