![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by orchid on September 27, 2005, at 13:50:25
I am back for a few weeks. When we terminated, my ex T asked me to feel free to check in with her when I am back.
Should I go in? Or just leave it off? I am not sure if she just said it to be polite, and maybe if I contact, she may not like it? I will feel bad if she refuses now. I don't necessarily feel like contacting her, but on the other hand, I would like to drop in and say hi once to her. I am not planning on visiting more than once or call her. I haven't called so far after termination.
Posted by Annierose on September 27, 2005, at 14:28:32
In reply to check in with my ex T once?, posted by orchid on September 27, 2005, at 13:50:25
Hi welcome back!
How are things in India? Is it good to be with your family? Are you happy you decided to move back home?
It's hard for for me to give you advice on calling your T. It you feel you have some things you would like to share, gain insight, etc. ... by all means call her. Realize, too, that although this is a very personal relationship, it is a professional one, so in that sense, it may be awkward. It's just not the same as ringing up a friend for a glass of wine, catching up. However, that said, if I moved out of state, and came back for a few weeks, I probably would make an appointment to talk with her. It would feel good to see someone that means so much to me.
Welcome back and I'm glad you decided to check in!!
Posted by orchid on September 27, 2005, at 15:36:49
In reply to Re: check in with my ex T once? » orchid, posted by Annierose on September 27, 2005, at 14:28:32
Hi Annie,
I have been doing quite well. Thanks for asking. Sometimes I wonder why I struggled so much in the past with all these mental health problems!! Looking back, it doesn't make sense at all. But maybe, being closer to family and having lot of people around is doing me a lot of good. I feel much much calmer and happier and quite cheerful.Thanks for reminding me about therapists not being friends. I keep missing that point. You are right, mabye I shouldn't call her.
Anyway, therapists don't seem to like us when we try to keep in touch after therapy. So why bother? I wasn't planning anyway for getting more therapy or share anything with her. I was thinking more of dropping in just once to say hi and tell her I will be moving back for a long time. But I guess there is no point.
Posted by Annierose on September 27, 2005, at 16:05:47
In reply to Re: check in with my ex T once? » Annierose, posted by orchid on September 27, 2005, at 15:36:49
I hope you took what I wrote in the right context. I think your T would love to hear from you. But in a professional context, as her client, that she cares about. I know I couldn't just "drop-in" on my T, afterall, she is a therapist and keeps her own schedule with clients, meetings and what-not. So I would need to make an appointment.
They aren't our friends, but that doesn't mean T's are our enemies either. To borrow a phrase from "In Session" it's an "approximate relationship".
Glad to hear that you are happy to be home. I've never been to India. It is totally unlike anything in the States?
Posted by orchid on September 27, 2005, at 16:31:01
In reply to Re: check in with my ex T once? » orchid, posted by Annierose on September 27, 2005, at 16:05:47
I did understand what you meant.
By dropping in, I didn't mean an unanounced visit. I meant, going for a office visit with prior appointment of course. I wouldn't go even to friends house without informing :-)
I am not so sure if she would love to hear from me. I would rather think not, even though we had an extremely good and amicable relationship and terminated in very pleasant terms. I have come to think of Ts as particularly emotionless people - perhaps an acquired trait, because it is needed for their job. At best she will be indifferent.
So I am probably not going to bother visiting her either. And for all I know, she might not even be willing to give me an appointment even if I tried - from my prior experience.
Posted by Tamar on September 27, 2005, at 16:38:39
In reply to check in with my ex T once?, posted by orchid on September 27, 2005, at 13:50:25
Hi Orchid,
I’m glad you’re feeling better and that things are going well back home.
I think if you want to see your therapist there’s no reason why not. I’m sure she’d be pleased to see you. If she said you should feel free to check in with her, then I have no doubt she meant it. I don’t think therapists say things like that just to be polite. And I also think most therapists invest a lot in their work and are interested in how their former patients are getting on.
One question I’d ask you: have you thought about what you'd like to talk to her about?
Tamar
Posted by orchid on September 27, 2005, at 16:58:56
In reply to Re: check in with my ex T once? » orchid, posted by Tamar on September 27, 2005, at 16:38:39
Thanks Tamar. I didn't think of anything in particular to talk to her. I haven't thought much about psychology actually for the past few weeks. Didn't have time. Actually, I hadn't really thought too much about her either during my vacation.
I was thinking of just visiting her once, and tell her that I have been doing well. Mostly as a courtesy. But I think it is quite unnecessary to do it and perhaps even might be unwelcome. And in case she really doesn't like hearing from ex patients like my first T, then it might end up making me feel worse. So I have decided to not call her or try to get an appointment to visit.
Posted by Emily Elizabeth on September 27, 2005, at 22:48:12
In reply to Re: check in with my ex T once? » Tamar, posted by orchid on September 27, 2005, at 16:58:56
You shouldn't do anything you don't want to do here. Another option that comes to mind would be to leave her a quick message on her office machine (call when you know she won't answer) and say, "You don't need to call me back, but I just wanted to let you know that I have been doing well..." or whatever.
Glad you are posting again.
Best,
EE
Posted by fairywings on September 27, 2005, at 23:04:33
In reply to Re: check in with my ex T once? » Tamar, posted by orchid on September 27, 2005, at 16:58:56
Hi Orchid,
I'd let it go. You're doing really well, and you're happy, and you're not ruminating, and not thinking about your exT. Why even bother with all of that again? Stick with what's working for you. It's great that things are going so well for you! I'm so happy for you.
fw
Posted by fairywings on September 27, 2005, at 23:05:19
In reply to Re: check in with my ex T once? » orchid, posted by Emily Elizabeth on September 27, 2005, at 22:48:12
Oh, thats a good idea too, didn't think of that.
fw
Posted by greyskyeyes on September 28, 2005, at 11:22:07
In reply to Re: check in with my ex T once? » Emily Elizabeth, posted by fairywings on September 27, 2005, at 23:05:19
I like EE's idea of a phone call. It gives her an update on how you are and tells her you are still thinking of her, without obligating her to any return contact.
FWIW... I did "drop in" on a former T once. I saw him for 6 years when I was a teenager. About 2-3 years after I stopped seeing him, I was in the area in the evening and thought I'd pop in. He was still there, and quite surprised to see me - but he seemed happy I stopped by. He said I seemed happy, which was quite a compliment from someone who saw me *very* depressed. We only chatted for a few minutes but I was glad that I saw him.
~ grey
Posted by orchid on September 28, 2005, at 12:24:21
In reply to Re: check in with my ex T once? » orchid, posted by Emily Elizabeth on September 27, 2005, at 22:48:12
That seemed a good idea. I called and left a message. I told her I have been doing well, and will be moving back after couple of weeks for long term.
I will just leave it with this. In case she calls back and asks me if I would like to come in for a check in, then I will go, otherwise, I will leave it with this.
Posted by orchid on September 28, 2005, at 13:42:02
In reply to ok. called and left a message » Emily Elizabeth, posted by orchid on September 28, 2005, at 12:24:21
She called back within an hour, and asked how I have been, and asked if I wanted to come to check in with her.
I am happy. I will go and visit her once and that will be good.
Thanks all for your suggestions !!
Posted by Annierose on September 28, 2005, at 15:46:49
In reply to She called back and asked if I wanted to come in » orchid, posted by orchid on September 28, 2005, at 13:42:02
So happy for you. I don't want to say, "I told you so" but I knew she would want to see you and find out how life has been treating you in India. I'm glad she returned your call even though you didn't specifically make that request. T's do care a great deal about their clients! Think of her as a teacher, caring about one of her students that has flown the nest, circling back to share her new adventure.
Let us know how it went.
Posted by orchid on September 29, 2005, at 13:34:42
In reply to Re: She called back and asked if I wanted to come in » orchid, posted by Annierose on September 28, 2005, at 15:46:49
I went for an appt. It went well. It was quite casual and just covering different things and my plans for the future. It was quite nice to talk to her and she was cordial and warm.
I like my relationship with this T a lot. Not too attached, and very casual and matter of fact. Both of us aren't attached to each other, and I don't have any problems with transference with her. Usually with male therapists and female patients, there is this huge monster of transference to deal with. And it usually leads to lot of pain. I prefer female Ts in that sense.
Anyway, I won't be seeing her again. Quite likely never again.
But it feels good anyway.
Thanks for all your suggestions.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.