Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 558401

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Can't even do what I promised my T (long sorry)

Posted by messadivoce on September 23, 2005, at 1:33:36

Okay so for some reason I have been triggered this week, missing my former T dreadfully, after a couple of blissful months of feeling totally apathetic about him. Which I hoped would last.

Well anyway, the last thing he said to me in person was, "Take good care of yourself." With emphasis on the good. That was a lot of what we talked about in therapy anyway; I tend to feel guilty about lots of stuff that I can't control, and tear myself down instead of reaffirming myself. I'm better in this area, but admittedly not great.

I've tried to do just that; to avoid attacking myself, to be my own friend, and to do other more practical things too, from not allowing myself to be vulnerable and approval-needy from my parents (it doesn't always work) to joining the gym to help myself be more healthy (we'll see how long that goes on!).

Well, I totally failed at the whole take care of myself/apply what I learned in therapy thing yesterday. The situation was, I put in my request for time off for my wedding, which is 8.5 months away, but I figured, hey, give 'em a lot of notice. However, there was a question for a day about whether or not it would be approved (I work in college admin and there was a one day freshman orientation scheduled for that same weekend that no one is usually allowed to miss--but it wasn't on the calendar). Whether or not it was approved was immaterial; I've made reservations that can't be changed and I wasn't going to be at work one way or the other.

Well anyway, when my dad heard about this situation, he immediately said to me "Better start looking for another job." Totally unhelpful and unsupportive. My fiance was there and agreed that my dad was really mean about it. And that's just what's he's always done: made little comments to tear me down instead of trying to help or offer encouragement. Which is why I'm so good at doing it to myself, perhaps.

Well, I couldn't even bring it to my dad's attention that I was upset! And being assertive and standing up for myself was something that I worked in in therapy with my T, and now I can't even do it!



The only thing harder than crying

Posted by messadivoce on September 24, 2005, at 0:49:03

In reply to Can't even do what I promised my T (long sorry), posted by messadivoce on September 23, 2005, at 1:33:36

is not crying at all. Fingers around my throat, can't get them loose. Completely dry-eyed. There are tears in there somewhere, they just won't come out.


(((((messadivoce))))) (nm)

Posted by gardenergirl on September 24, 2005, at 1:30:12

In reply to The only thing harder than crying, posted by messadivoce on September 24, 2005, at 0:49:03


Re: Can't even do what I promised my T (long sorry) messadivoce

Posted by Shortelise on September 24, 2005, at 17:43:30

In reply to Can't even do what I promised my T (long sorry), posted by messadivoce on September 23, 2005, at 1:33:36

So sorry, Voce.
Which is worse, that your Dad was unkind or that you couldn't point it out?
Would it have made things more difficult if you had told him, or would it have made things easier?
I mean, there are times when we swallow things, and times when we just let them roll off of us.



Re: Can't even do what I promised my T (long sorry

Posted by Racer on September 29, 2005, at 13:22:25

In reply to Re: Can't even do what I promised my T (long sorry) messadivoce, posted by Shortelise on September 24, 2005, at 17:43:30

Ugh. What a lousy thing to say! I'm so sorry that your father is so unsupportive of you -- no wonder you're so good at ragging on yourself. You learned the behavior.

I do the same thing, though, so I'll offer you up what I try to do myself. Maybe you'll find it helpful. Keep in mind, though, that none of it is a magic solution. I've been practicing for a number of years now, and am learning to remember to do it more often than not -- which means that it is helpful, but hard work.

OK, first I remind myself that I can't do anything about what's already done. Until I get a line on Mr Peabody and his Way Back Machine, I am stuck with what's already happened. The only thing that berating myself over it does is to demoralize me, and tear myself up inside. The only thing I can do about it is learn from it -- and move on.

Second, I am working on calling family members on EVERYTHING as soon as it happens. Rather than brooding over something, which only hurts me, I try to say something back. For example, when my aunt starts complaining about my housekeeping, I tell her that she's welcome to visit me, but that it's the company that we are concerned with -- not the criticism. My standards may not be her standards, but the only ones who are really involved are my husband and myself. That makes it a marital matter, and none of her business. Overall, it has helped -- after years of working on it. (My aunt is a slow learner...) Now she may start to say something, but she does stop. Frankly, it took my walking her to the door one day, telling her that she knew the rules and broke them, so she could leave now. (She didn't, but she's been more respectful since.)

In this case, I guess you could point out to your father that saying something like that was cruel, and unnecessary. Heavy emphasis on the "unnecessary" part, by the way -- let the cruel part sink in over time...

I went through something similar when I was married. It was only through basically telling the Big Boss that I really needed the day off that I got it. And the intermediate boss complained LOUDLY about it! Fortunately, the BB said that it was absurd -- "it's her wedding day, after all." I hope you experience the same thing.

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