Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 556736

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I wish

Posted by messadivoce on September 19, 2005, at 1:55:10

I wish
that I could have cried.

It's been nearly 2 years now since I've last seen him
sat in his office

but I still wish that I could have cried all those tears

my heart often felt like it was being squeezed
and my breath came in gasps

but I couldn't cry in front of him

I could be vulnerable, but not that vulnerable

and yet I have been less close with other human beings and still cried in front of them

I wish I could say his name to you all.
But something keeps me from doing that even though I wish I could

His name means so much.
It means "beloved, greatly loved"

I was afraid of him at first
and then his gentleness coaxed out all that pain
and I began to trust him, a little
and before I knew it, I loved him
with a savagery and completeness that wiped out
everything else

I loved him. His name wasn't a mistake. It was a gift.

And there is still a hole where he used to be.

 

Re: I wish » messadivoce

Posted by orchid on September 19, 2005, at 3:08:37

In reply to I wish, posted by messadivoce on September 19, 2005, at 1:55:10

That was beautifully written.

I am sorry you are still feeling bad after 2 years.

I am sure your ex T was great. But perhaps, you can try to find that same greatness in people who are more available to you than kind of long for a mirage. Even if he was the best in the whole world, he still is a mirage to you - not really available to take care of you. So that makes him not that great FOR YOU. There are two things - 1. If a person is good. 2. If a person is good for you. Please try to think of a person more in terms of the latter rather than in terms of the first.

Once you realize he isn't good for you anymore, it will be easier to move away.

Please ignore my post if this is unsolicited advice. :-)

But it is really possible to completely overcome transference, and move on, and look back with just warm feelings and no longing. It is possibly by working through it.

 

Re: I wish » messadivoce

Posted by fairywings on September 19, 2005, at 15:02:58

In reply to I wish, posted by messadivoce on September 19, 2005, at 1:55:10

i'm so sorry you're feeling so bad, i wish there was something i could say to make the pain go away.
fw

 

Re: I wish » messadivoce

Posted by Tamar on September 19, 2005, at 15:28:08

In reply to I wish, posted by messadivoce on September 19, 2005, at 1:55:10


Your post really struck a chord with me, especially the part about not crying. And also the part about saying his name. I sometimes just want to say my ex-therapist’s name out loud. It makes me feel he’s not quite so far away; not quite so intangible. Yesterday was six months since I saw him.

Didn’t you say once that your therapist hugged you when he said goodbye at the end of your last session? It fits so well with the idea of him as beloved, doesn’t it? I think to be loved so often means to give love.

Tamar

 

Re: I wish

Posted by messadivoce on September 20, 2005, at 0:01:43

In reply to Re: I wish » messadivoce, posted by orchid on September 19, 2005, at 3:08:37

<But it is really possible to completely overcome transference, and move on, and look back with just warm feelings and no longing. It is possibly by working through it.>

You know, *most* days I can do this. But for some reason this all hit me this week again. There was no trigger. No rationale. I just really miss him this week. Transference or no.

 

Thank you fairywings » fairywings

Posted by messadivoce on September 20, 2005, at 0:02:32

In reply to Re: I wish » messadivoce, posted by fairywings on September 19, 2005, at 15:02:58

You are sweet.

:-)

 

Re: I wish » Tamar

Posted by messadivoce on September 20, 2005, at 0:10:26

In reply to Re: I wish » messadivoce, posted by Tamar on September 19, 2005, at 15:28:08

<Didn’t you say once that your therapist hugged you when he said goodbye at the end of your last session? It fits so well with the idea of him as beloved, doesn’t it? I think to be loved so often means to give love.>

Oh dear, that turned on the waterworks for me.

He did give me a lot of love.

I, who was afraid of men, terrified of being up close and personal with him in the room, began to trust him. I think that touched him somewhere deep.

Touch was the last barrier for me. But I asked him, at my 3rd to last session, if he would give me a hug. It was *totally* unexpected. I was horrified that it came out of my mouth. But he smiled this huge smile and said, "Yes. Yes you can {have a hug}."

It's not something I would reccomend a T doing with regularity, but if he had said no, it would have damaged the fragile trust I had in him.

He hugged me so tight. I was surprised at his strength. But then again I shouldn't have been because he had been holding me all along, you know?

 

And we're breathing and we're breathing

Posted by messadivoce on September 21, 2005, at 1:13:36

In reply to I wish, posted by messadivoce on September 19, 2005, at 1:55:10

What is my problem?

I feel like I've been hit in the chest with a mac truck.

I loved him and he's not here.

And I can't come to terms with that.

Sorry I'm so needy this week. I'm usually not this bad, I swear!

 

Re: And we're breathing and we're breathing » messadivoce

Posted by Tamar on September 21, 2005, at 8:57:13

In reply to And we're breathing and we're breathing, posted by messadivoce on September 21, 2005, at 1:13:36

(((((Voce)))))

I wonder… is it something to do with the ‘six week itch’ you talked about? Is it because you didn’t write to him this time? Maybe you’re missing that feeling of connection.

If it’s something like that, perhaps you’re not quite ready to stop writing to him altogether. Maybe you still need to send him a couple of lines now and then. Can you write what you would like to write to him? After you’ve written it you can decide whether to send it.

Or is there something else going on this week? Maybe something that makes you feel you need to reach out for him? I remember you said it’s nearly two years since you saw him… and I know I have trouble with anniversaries.

Keep breathing.

> Sorry I'm so needy this week. I'm usually not this bad, I swear!

Goodness, don’t apologise! There’s no reason to be sorry! We all have needy moments…

I hope you’re feeling better soon.

Tamar


 

Re: And we're breathing and we're breathing » Tamar

Posted by messadivoce on September 21, 2005, at 13:39:07

In reply to Re: And we're breathing and we're breathing » messadivoce, posted by Tamar on September 21, 2005, at 8:57:13

Well, I actually wasn't right when I told you it's been 2 years since I've seen him. It's been about 15 months. But it's been 2 year since I started therapy with him.

I just want to send him a line and say, "Hi, just checking to make sure you're still there, hope you don't mind too much." I don't have the desire to write him a 2 page e-mail about my life. I just want a connection, albeit a small one. I'm not asking for much.

This would be progress for me, although I think he probably sees me as a nuisance--his own version of "What About Bob." I'm sure he's thinking, "Why can't she just move on?"

I'm still breathing.

 

Re: And we're breathing and we're breathing » messadivoce

Posted by gardenergirl on September 21, 2005, at 23:48:16

In reply to Re: And we're breathing and we're breathing » Tamar, posted by messadivoce on September 21, 2005, at 13:39:07

> > This would be progress for me, although I think he probably sees me as a nuisance--his own version of "What About Bob." I'm sure he's thinking, "Why can't she just move on?"

You know, I was just talking with someone today about a similar issue. I sometimes worry that my T is thinking, "This again?" or "Sheesh, get over it!" Now being on the other side of the couch, I can safely say I can't recall thinking that about a client. So I think it's that ashamed or judgemental part of me that's projecting that message onto my T.

Could you be doing the same? And we pretty much all have a basic human need for connection. It's right up there after stuff like shelter, food, warmth, etc. It makes sense that if you felt that connection in a very positive way in the past, you would miss that and reach out for it in times when maybe you don't feel so connected elsewhere.

> I'm still breathing.

As Martha Stewart would say, "That's a good thing."

Take care,

gg

 

Re: I wish » orchid

Posted by terrics on September 24, 2005, at 11:29:25

In reply to Re: I wish » messadivoce, posted by orchid on September 19, 2005, at 3:08:37

And that was also beautifully written. terrics

 

Re: I wish » orchid

Posted by messadivoce on September 24, 2005, at 14:22:00

In reply to Re: I wish » messadivoce, posted by orchid on September 19, 2005, at 3:08:37

You are right.

I have struggled all week with what you said.

But you are right. And sometimes I get moments of clarity like that. And I understand why it has to be this way.

Why can't I just understand that all the time?

 

Re: I wish » messadivoce

Posted by 10derHeart on September 24, 2005, at 14:59:03

In reply to Re: I wish » orchid, posted by messadivoce on September 24, 2005, at 14:22:00

> Why can't I just understand that all the time?

You probably do understand that all the time.

But...
Understanding things like that is rational.

Emotions, especially those that run this deep, pay little attention to reason.

They do as they will, for as long as they will.
There's only a minimal number of things we can do about it.

You know my situation.
And I still hurt over him.
Have too much possible access, almost.
That phase of my life is done, really
Yet I *want* to make up any excuse in the world to email him sometimes.
And I have.
And he's still nice, but careful. Very careful.
And although it must seem like that's heavenly and ideal...
I have to live with the knowledge that if I *never* send him an email again, he would never, ever initiate anything with me.
Ever :-(
A different sort of hurt there, too.

But I'll concede, it's gotta be a better kind of hurt than yours. I wish, I wish, I wish...I could fix that for you.

I say...keep posting about it whenever it comes up. You know we don't mind.

((Voce))

 

Last night (dream analysis please?)

Posted by messadivoce on September 25, 2005, at 11:10:54

In reply to Re: I wish » messadivoce, posted by 10derHeart on September 24, 2005, at 14:59:03

I had probably the longest, strangest dream about my ex T that I've ever had. I dreamed my family and I were on a road trip, and for some reason they chose to stay at my ex T's house, with his family. I dreamed I slept upstairs in his house and then when I was getting dressed the next morning, I went across the hall to a huge study, and there were tons of pictures hanging there of him in different stages of his life, and of his family.

Then I went downstairs and I was too shy to ask his wife for coffee, so he came down and found me in the kitchen looking for a coffee cup. He told me where the coffee pot was (buried waaaay in the corner) and didn't seem to mind when I spilled some when I was pouring. After I finished my coffee we went upstairs and he talked about all the pictures in the study with me, and told me about each stage of his life and all about his family members.

When I left, he gave me a hug and told me to come back and visit again.

It's comforting, somehow, to wake up after this. I have a litte more peace today.

 

Re: Last night (dream analysis please?) » messadivoce

Posted by Annierose on September 25, 2005, at 11:44:04

In reply to Last night (dream analysis please?), posted by messadivoce on September 25, 2005, at 11:10:54

Sounds like a very comforting dream. This dream is loaded with fantasy too .... wishing to be a part of his family, sleeping in his home, and with your family there too, a meeting of both families.

The coffee part is interesting. Maybe someone who is good with dreams will help you pick apart at that. It's something a lot of adults drink everyday, but it's tuck away, although he does get it for you. I'm not good at dreams. Can you share this dream with your current T?

 

Re: Last night (dream analysis please?) » messadivoce

Posted by Tamar on September 25, 2005, at 16:33:40

In reply to Last night (dream analysis please?), posted by messadivoce on September 25, 2005, at 11:10:54

Hi Voce,

> I had probably the longest, strangest dream about my ex T that I've ever had. I dreamed my family and I were on a road trip, and for some reason they chose to stay at my ex T's house, with his family.

I think dreaming of a house usually indicates something about what’s going on in your mind. If you dreamed of your ex T’s house, it might symbolise his place in your thoughts. If you were spending the night there, it might suggest feelings of trust and security.

> I dreamed I slept upstairs in his house and then when I was getting dressed the next morning, I went across the hall to a huge study, and there were tons of pictures hanging there of him in different stages of his life, and of his family.

Photos or pictures might suggest that you don’t know the real man; you’ve encountered aspects of him but there are big gaps in your knowledge. It also might suggest that you would like to know more about who he is as a person. And it might suggest wanting to keep hold of the past.

> Then I went downstairs and I was too shy to ask his wife for coffee, so he came down and found me in the kitchen looking for a coffee cup. He told me where the coffee pot was (buried waaaay in the corner)

Coffee might symbolise hospitality or companionship. Being too shy to ask his wife might indicate feelings of jealousy towards her, or it might simply suggest that you don’t’ know here and therefore you can’t approach her.

> and didn't seem to mind when I spilled some when I was pouring.

Spilling coffee might indicate you’re overflowing with feelings about him; or alternatively that you drink too much coffee!

> After I finished my coffee we went upstairs and he talked about all the pictures in the study with me, and told me about each stage of his life and all about his family members.

That sounds like the sort of thing you might wish for. And if the pictures represent your past relationship with him, it might mean you have wishes both to know more about him and also to see him again.

> When I left, he gave me a hug and told me to come back and visit again.
>
> It's comforting, somehow, to wake up after this. I have a litte more peace today.

It does sound comforting. It’s nice to dream about him when you’ve been thinking so much about him recently. And it’s nice that he was so open and welcoming and accepting in your dream.

What interests me quite a bit is that you say you were with your family (parents?) and it was their decision to spend the night at your therapist’s house, and yet the rest of the dream doesn’t feature them; it’s about your interaction with your T. It suggests to me that they might have less significance in your life than previously, and that you’re moving on from your former relationship with them.

I hope the dream gives you some relief from the pain.

Tamar

 

Re: Last night (dream analysis please?) » Tamar

Posted by messadivoce on September 26, 2005, at 14:16:33

In reply to Re: Last night (dream analysis please?) » messadivoce, posted by Tamar on September 25, 2005, at 16:33:40

I keep thinking about this dream, because it has soothed me a lot the past few days. And I forgot to mention at the end of the dream, when I left his house, I felt peaceful, not like I was being torn away. I think this is significant because every other time I left him IRL, I DID feel torn away. To be able to leave him in my dream, feeling peaceful and knowing I would see him again....well....that seems like such a gift.

As far as the coffee part goes, with me spilling the coffee, I remember feeling a little nervous in my dream as he watching me pour. I tend to shake when I'm nervous. I think also maybe I wish I could share something as ordinary as a cup of coffee with him.


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