Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 557639

Shown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

S.ideation ***strong trigger***

Posted by B2chica on September 21, 2005, at 10:22:03

i just can't stop thinking of my latest plan. i'm not even really depressed anymore. i think the meds are slightly kicking it. but not only do i imagine the step by step of it, i keep getting these visuals that i botch the job and become basically a vegetable, can't really communicate, can't really move. being in a hospital...
this is scaring the crap out of me, literally scaring me! it's SO real! i guess that can be good cuz it's one defense about acting. but i just keep dwelling on it and it makes me more upset and then the S. thoughts, come back, then the images come again...one giant circle of anxiety!
i do the normal, try to watch tv, read, i've even been getting on treadmill a little each night and i still have them.
i just had one that was very disturbing that's why i'm writing now (it was of a nurse lifting my heavy head to put a new pillow under my head-my head bobbled and slightly moved around and i was oblivious to everything.
i see pdoc tomorrow at 6:00.
i'm just really tired of being suicidal.
i feel like i need to sh@t or get off the pot. do it or back away completely.

i feel like such a failure...to everyone around me. that if i die i fail my hubby, if i don't i fail me.
either way i loose.
b2c.

 

Re: S.ideation ***strong trigger***

Posted by rubenstein on September 21, 2005, at 10:27:48

In reply to S.ideation ***strong trigger***, posted by B2chica on September 21, 2005, at 10:22:03

>I have many of the same issues
It is so hard
just try to keep on swimmin
that is what I at least try to do
but the images
yes they are hard
and why can't they go away????

take care
rachel

i just can't stop thinking of my latest plan. i'm not even really depressed anymore. i think the meds are slightly kicking it. but not only do i imagine the step by step of it, i keep getting these visuals that i botch the job and become basically a vegetable, can't really communicate, can't really move. being in a hospital...
> this is scaring the crap out of me, literally scaring me! it's SO real! i guess that can be good cuz it's one defense about acting. but i just keep dwelling on it and it makes me more upset and then the S. thoughts, come back, then the images come again...one giant circle of anxiety!
> i do the normal, try to watch tv, read, i've even been getting on treadmill a little each night and i still have them.
> i just had one that was very disturbing that's why i'm writing now (it was of a nurse lifting my heavy head to put a new pillow under my head-my head bobbled and slightly moved around and i was oblivious to everything.
> i see pdoc tomorrow at 6:00.
> i'm just really tired of being suicidal.
> i feel like i need to sh@t or get off the pot. do it or back away completely.
>
> i feel like such a failure...to everyone around me. that if i die i fail my hubby, if i don't i fail me.
> either way i loose.
> b2c.

 

Re: S.ideation ***strong trigger*** Ľ B2chica

Posted by cubic_me on September 21, 2005, at 11:14:12

In reply to S.ideation ***strong trigger***, posted by B2chica on September 21, 2005, at 10:22:03

B2C I absolutely know where you are coming from. I've had similar thought before and after I've planned to kill myself. They are really scarry, but they will subside over time. I don't know if they'll go completely, mine haven't yet, but they are managable and 'livable with'.

If anything, looking back on that time, the thoughts helped me to not attempt suicide as I really didn't want to fail and end up damaged.

 

Re: S.ideation ***strong trigger*** Ľ cubic_me

Posted by B2chica on September 21, 2005, at 11:46:26

In reply to Re: S.ideation ***strong trigger*** Ľ B2chica, posted by cubic_me on September 21, 2005, at 11:14:12

just within this last 1/2 hour the thoughts of s. have increased. i'm not busy at work today so i could just leave go to my 'place' and do it.
but i don't understand, i don't want death (i don't think) yet i'm craving to act. i wish i could see T today. but i have appt tomorrow. soon enough i guess.
i know the hospital is always an option. but right now i don't see it as one. why am i going down?

why won't these thoughts/urges leave me alone. i feel if i keep complaining of this they're going to send me to a permanent facility. i'm afraid to tell anyone.
i see pdoc tomorrow also....

tomorrow can't come quickly enough for me. besides, i have plans for saturday night. maybe that's contributing cuz it's hectic busy but still.
maybe i can set a date for me and if i'm not better by next wed. i'll go to hospital. maybe they can swap my Rx around?

i'm so tired cubic_me.
b2c.

 

Re: S.ideation ***strong trigger*** Ľ B2chica

Posted by ghost on September 21, 2005, at 15:03:49

In reply to Re: S.ideation ***strong trigger*** Ľ cubic_me, posted by B2chica on September 21, 2005, at 11:46:26

b2c,

i see no purpose to life. like, it doesnt matter if i live or die, and we all die in the end anyway, so what's the big deal if i do it sooner, rather than later? the end result is the same.

the T seems to think if i find some sort of "purpose" to life that everything will be okay. (i say BS.) the only thing really keeping me alive is my cat. which sounds stupid, but i guess if it works, what's it matter?

i'm not particularly *depressed* but i don't particularly like the idea of living, either. i fantasize vividly, too. i guess i imagine botching it up too because i never really imagine myself dying. just stopping once i start to do the deed because i pass out or something.

sorry i don't have anything positive to say. i guess i just wanted to tell you i can relate. i don't know why our brains are wired differently than everyone else's. but i know what it's like, anyway.


ghost

 

Re: S.ideation ***strong trigger*** Ľ B2chica

Posted by Poet on September 21, 2005, at 18:51:54

In reply to S.ideation ***strong trigger***, posted by B2chica on September 21, 2005, at 10:22:03

Hi B2chica,

No answer, just understanding. Yes. No. Maybe. I woke up yelling that (husband heard me) after a dream where I was dying. When I tell my T that I should just do it, she says *yes, no, maybe.*

I think it's the damn maybe that I am afraid of. Not death itself, just the fear that no matter what I do I will fail.

I wish I could tell you that everything will be better, but I can't. I think that you are tired of feeling this way is something good. You want to do something, but are afraid no matter what you do it will be wrong. I get that completely. Yes. No. Maybe. Sigh.

Talking to pdoc is a start. New meds adds another baby step. I am terrified of being hospitalized, so I can't say go inpatient without being a complete hypocrite.

Safe cyber hugs.

Poet

 

Re: S.ideation ***strong trigger*** Ľ B2chica

Posted by gardenergirl on September 22, 2005, at 0:14:16

In reply to Re: S.ideation ***strong trigger*** Ľ cubic_me, posted by B2chica on September 21, 2005, at 11:46:26

That sounds just awful, sweetie.

That "sh*t or get off the pot" feeling--maybe that's trying to tell you something about what's going on in life or in coping. But it also sounds a LOT like depression talking.

A LOT like it.

I'm glad you have an appt. Keep hanging in there. Keep posting or talk to friends, family, whomever.

(((B2chica)))


gg

 

Re: S.ideation ***strong trigger*** Ľ ghost

Posted by B2chica on September 22, 2005, at 9:32:07

In reply to Re: S.ideation ***strong trigger*** Ľ B2chica, posted by ghost on September 21, 2005, at 15:03:49

thank you ghost.
i am SO sorry you are in such a similar place right now. is it the weather?
it so wierd you mention 'the purpose'. my T on monday told me i should take a class or something, something to 'enrich' (ha) my life, something i enjoy. i'm still trying to finish my lit review for my final project for my degree, i can't think of another class right now.
i do struggle with my purpose. it seems so endless.
this morning i got to work and my hubby called (to see if i made it on time-trouble waking up in morning) anyway, when we said goodbye i usually say bye or see ya later but i said i love you...goodbye. i got chills cuz it felt like the last time i was going to talk with him. god it's upsetting me even telling this. (tears).
i can't do this. i'm not strong enough. i wish i had a kitty.(i'm alergic)

i think i'm going to do the hour thing. i've got to make it to my appt. i CAN"T die before then.
i think i 'm causing all my own trouble, cuz i haven't been taking meds on regular basis. i keep freaking forgetting my zyprexa at night. been good for a week then last night i was so busy that i didn't remember till late so i skipped. then stupid me thismorning was running late and forgot morning pills. luckily i had partial stash at work, could take ritalin and 150 of wellbutrin (but i'm on 450).
this is most of my problems i'm sure.

i do love my pdoc and i know he worries about me, i have T appt at 4 today and pdoc at 6 tonight. i just have to live for one more day right. i have to make it to them.i just feel so 'destined' for death. i'm scared, i feel alone, i'm weak and vulnerable and i DETEST all these feelings (thus anger).
i can't take it.
i love you for being So honest with me, it makes me feel like not such a freak.
thanks you very much ghost.
b2c.

 

Re: S.ideation ***strong trigger*** Ľ B2chica

Posted by ghost on September 22, 2005, at 10:31:03

In reply to Re: S.ideation ***strong trigger*** Ľ ghost, posted by B2chica on September 22, 2005, at 9:32:07

I think hour by hour is a good way to go when the death thoughts are so overwhelming.

Technically Iím allergic to cats, too, but I stay medicated and try to keep the free hairs to a minimum. I know I shouldnít have one, but I need her. :/

It is SO hard to remember meds when I feel like crap. Iíll justify forgetting them by saying itís a ďliver-cleansing dayĒ which I know is dumb. In the past Iíve had to set alarms to remind myself. The morning pills are the worst because Iím always in such a rush. I was going to try keeping some at work, but since I started eating breakfast at work (we get a morning break), I have more time and I tend to remember a bit more often. Plus thereís just so MANY pills. For months they were making me gag because there were just too many to swallow.

Itís just hard, period. I hope youíve made it another hour. Youíre not a freak, at all. I promise.

*hugs*
ghost

 

Re: S.ideation ***strong trigger*** Ľ ghost

Posted by B2chica on September 22, 2005, at 11:25:18

In reply to Re: S.ideation ***strong trigger*** Ľ B2chica, posted by ghost on September 22, 2005, at 10:31:03

(tears)i think my boss is setting me up to get fired. i just got another email (proof) saying he was 'very disappointed in my work" and he told me to redo it 'carefully this time'.
i can't take this ghost.

i know i need to go to the hospital to stay alive but my friend is getting married this weekend. i do want to go. but the feelings of S. are so strong RIGHT NOW. it's So confusing.

i feel like i ccan't hold on. i need help.
i'm looking at a blade right now, i need to throw it away.

i quit smoking and caffine this last week.

...will you hold me ghost?
b2c.


> I think hour by hour is a good way to go when the death thoughts are so overwhelming.
>
> Technically Iím allergic to cats, too, but I stay medicated and try to keep the free hairs to a minimum. I know I shouldnít have one, but I need her. :/
>
> It is SO hard to remember meds when I feel like crap. Iíll justify forgetting them by saying itís a ďliver-cleansing dayĒ which I know is dumb. In the past Iíve had to set alarms to remind myself. The morning pills are the worst because Iím always in such a rush. I was going to try keeping some at work, but since I started eating breakfast at work (we get a morning break), I have more time and I tend to remember a bit more often. Plus thereís just so MANY pills. For months they were making me gag because there were just too many to swallow.
>
> Itís just hard, period. I hope youíve made it another hour. Youíre not a freak, at all. I promise.
>
> *hugs*
> ghost
>

 

Re: S.ideation ***strong trigger*** Ľ B2chica

Posted by ghost on September 22, 2005, at 11:34:11

In reply to Re: S.ideation ***strong trigger*** Ľ ghost, posted by B2chica on September 22, 2005, at 11:25:18

oh, sweetie, Iíll hug you forever. I wish I could help you! Thatís awful about your bossóhe knows youíre having health issues now, doesnít he? Thatíd just be unethical to fire you.

I think you might need to go to a hospital, too. (a good oneónot the nightmare one you were at last time.) I understand what itís like to want to do some things (like your friendís wedding) but not want to live otherwise. Itís like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. youíre just stuck. but I think if the feelings of s. are too strong like the are now, youíre better off missing a weddingóI think your friend would understand that your health comes first. if you think you can make it till the weekend, maybe things will subside? only you can really tell.

and get rid of the blade! even if it means carving up your desk to dull it. Do anything with itójust donít hurt yourself with it. I wanted to do that before. but I dulled the blade so it wouldnít cut. I think I vented a little bit by the effort it takes to dull a blade. or stab something other than you. anything other than you.

donít forget, you have TWO appointments today with people who care about you and your welfare very much. Can you make it until then?

LOTS of love,
ghost

 

Re: S.ideation ***strong trigger*** Ľ ghost

Posted by B2chica on September 22, 2005, at 11:42:38

In reply to Re: S.ideation ***strong trigger*** Ľ B2chica, posted by ghost on September 22, 2005, at 11:34:11

my boss knows all about my health, infact i've files ada papers to make it formal and he knows that. so that's why i think he's "documenting" (via email) all my mess ups. he Never used to do that, he's just come in and say i screwed up lets fix it (in a nice way). ever since he knew about the ADA forms he's been different.

it's so nice to hear you understand about the rock and hard place. and my friend is the one that saved me last year i was ready right then to act and he came to me and drove me to the ER (my first visit to hospital for depression) i owe him greatly. and am SO happy he's getting married and i want to be there. but getting through these hours is hard. it's weird.

you are so smart. i have the blade, its brand new so i'm going to go for a break outside and carve up the brick on the building. that way i cut but not me...maybe it will help.

yes....my T and my pdoc...focus.
i will do all i can to hold off till then. but god these minutes last like hours....4 more till T.

thank you (more than you know)
love
b2c.

> oh, sweetie, Iíll hug you forever. I wish I could help you! Thatís awful about your bossóhe knows youíre having health issues now, doesnít he? Thatíd just be unethical to fire you.
>
> I think you might need to go to a hospital, too. (a good oneónot the nightmare one you were at last time.) I understand what itís like to want to do some things (like your friendís wedding) but not want to live otherwise. Itís like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. youíre just stuck. but I think if the feelings of s. are too strong like the are now, youíre better off missing a weddingóI think your friend would understand that your health comes first. if you think you can make it till the weekend, maybe things will subside? only you can really tell.
>
> and get rid of the blade! even if it means carving up your desk to dull it. Do anything with itójust donít hurt yourself with it. I wanted to do that before. but I dulled the blade so it wouldnít cut. I think I vented a little bit by the effort it takes to dull a blade. or stab something other than you. anything other than you.
>
> donít forget, you have TWO appointments today with people who care about you and your welfare very much. Can you make it until then?
>
> LOTS of love,
> ghost
>

 

Re: S.ideation ***strong trigger*** Ľ B2chica

Posted by ghost on September 22, 2005, at 11:53:14

In reply to Re: S.ideation ***strong trigger*** Ľ ghost, posted by B2chica on September 22, 2005, at 11:42:38

That sounds like outright discrimination to me. What a tool. And unless his emails explicitly state what was wrong with your work and how it needed to be fixed, I donít think they can use them against you. Iím no expert, but I think you do have some grounds to fight it if it comes to that. (and, hell, maybe itíll feel good to fight the guy on it.)

I just heard a rumor that thereís a big meeting at work next week. The kind of meeting where they tell you theyíre laying people off. So Iím a little worried. So now I can relate to the fear of losing a job, TOO. Yuck.

Thatís so sweet about your friend. Iím SURE heíd understand if you couldnít make it, but Iíd want to be there, too, if I were you.

And you can be! You just have to survive 4 more hours. Youíve made it half-way through the day! Thatís a good accomplishment. (Although if your day is going anything like mine, those minutes really DO feel like hours. Jeez. What a day.)

Is your office private? Can you call your T early and just touch base with him? Maybe itíll help the next few hours go by. Or I can give you my office number and you can call me. ;)

Hang in there. Youíre already doing awesome.

love,
ghost

 

Re: S.ideation ***strong trigger*** Ľ ghost

Posted by B2chica on September 22, 2005, at 12:03:45

In reply to Re: S.ideation ***strong trigger*** Ľ B2chica, posted by ghost on September 22, 2005, at 11:53:14

no, we're all about 'documentation' here. so if he can prove that my 'work performance' has really decreased not based on missing work for med leave and such then he has a case.
i must admit i almost giggled when you called him a tool. and when i spoke with the ada people they said the less you boss knows the better off he is...well i told him evreything, he was ALways asking and the more i feed him the more he left me alone. so that's one in my court. plus i'm trying to combat his emails with some of mine. this last one i told him i must have sent him the wrong file cuz one was done correctly so i emailed it to him ;)

so sorry to hear bout that 'meeting' for you. god i hate those!

half the day sounds so good that way. i think i could call T but i wouldn't even know what to say. maybe i will.
ya, my office is private, that's why i can bawl and no one say anything. had little fit this morning. but better now. i almost hope i cry in session so they can see how i feel inside, sometimes i feel like i show one thing and feel another.

Thanks Ghost!
b2c.

 

Re: S.ideation ***strong trigger*** Ľ B2chica

Posted by ghost on September 22, 2005, at 12:10:57

In reply to Re: S.ideation ***strong trigger*** Ľ ghost, posted by B2chica on September 22, 2005, at 12:03:45

> no, we're all about 'documentation' here. so if he can prove that my 'work performance' has really decreased not based on missing work for med leave and such then he has a case.

*ugh*

> i must admit i almost giggled when you called him a tool. and when i spoke with the ada people they said the less you boss knows the better off he is...well i told him evreything, he was ALways asking and the more i feed him the more he left me alone. so that's one in my court. plus i'm trying to combat his emails with some of mine. this last one i told him i must have sent him the wrong file cuz one was done correctly so i emailed it to him ;)


Very slick!!! I like it. (I've done the same before ;)

I never cry in therapy. I just don't want her to see it. And I can't really muster the tears half the time anyway. Crying is something you do alone, when no one's looking ;p But I know what you mean-- on the outside you look one way, but on the inside it's like you're screaming at yourself to wake up and deal. Or, I mean, that's how *I* feel.

The T once told me teh only time my demeanor changes is when we talk about our pets. The rest of teh time I'm subdued and unexcitable. I don't know what that's supposed to *mean* but it was interesting... i guess.

Did you take a short break? I hope you feel a little better.

*hugs!*
ghost

 

Huggles (((((B2C))))) we're here for you (nm)

Posted by cubic_me on September 22, 2005, at 12:34:06

In reply to Re: S.ideation ***strong trigger*** Ľ B2chica, posted by ghost on September 22, 2005, at 12:10:57


This is the end of the thread.


Show another thread

URL of post in thread:


Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ


[dr. bob] Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD, bob@dr-bob.org

Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.