Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 554430

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Re: Found out more - bad news (Trigger) Dinah

Posted by LadyBug on September 13, 2005, at 23:26:25

In reply to Found out more - bad news (Trigger), posted by Dinah on September 13, 2005, at 18:26:41

Oh Dinah I had hopes for you that this would go better for you. A 3 hour drive each way? Talk about an expence to you just for gas alone and then the time etc. I'm soooooooo sorry this is happening to you.
The city you would like to move to, is it closer to where he is??? Would your husband have work there? I can't imagine what your going through. I've pictured myself in your shoes almost daily since this happened, I've even talked to my therapist about you and your situation. My heart goes out to you.
I don't think I could tolerate seeing 2 different therapists. I would feel like one was looking over the other ones back all the time, like having a third party interven.
This is all so sudden and there was no way you could prepare for it. I hope your cell phone works and you will take it with you tomorrow.
Do let us know when you can how things go.
I can't help but wonder how committed out T.s really are to any of us......it's so sad.
Hugs
LadyBug

 

Re: Found out more - bad news (Trigger) Dinah

Posted by daisym on September 13, 2005, at 23:52:58

In reply to Found out more - bad news (Trigger), posted by Dinah on September 13, 2005, at 18:26:41

(((Dinah))))

I don't know what to say. I'm really sorry that there is going to be such a great distance between you. I'm reading a book where the author drove 4 hours each way to see her therapist and she did it for 7 years. So there is hope that it can work. I think she had double sessions every other week and a phone session in between. Creativity is going to be required here by everyone.

I have faith that you will find a way to be OK. I do know what you mean about your son not being enough sometimes but you must keep remembering that he needs you. It might not be fair to be needed right now but nothing about being a parent is fair.

I'm praying for you.

 

Re: Found out more - bad news (Trigger) Dinah

Posted by All Done on September 14, 2005, at 15:19:47

In reply to Found out more - bad news (Trigger), posted by Dinah on September 13, 2005, at 18:26:41

Dinah,

I'm thinking about you today and I hope you are able to figure out a long-term plan that's manageable for you. And please just remember that if it comes to finding a new T, you have us to help you through the process. I know it's not the same as having your current T, but maybe with us and some transition help from him, you'll get through it better than you might think you would.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else right now.

Laurie

 

Re: Found out more - bad news (Trigger) Dinah

Posted by Tamar on September 14, 2005, at 17:51:44

In reply to Found out more - bad news (Trigger), posted by Dinah on September 13, 2005, at 18:26:41

Oh Dinah, Im sorry that your therapist has plans that will make your life difficult. A three hour drive each way is quite a strain. At least its physically possible, which is not great, but its a start.

Im glad your brain is responding in a practical way, and Im not surprised that your gut is less easily persuaded. Uncertainty is horrible. And yes, this comes at a terrible time for you after all the bereavements of the last few months.

Please stay very safe. It will take a while for everything to shake down and although the uncertainty of the next few months will be agony, there is still some hope for the future. You havent lost him yet. He still wants to work with you. Hes willing to organise part of his life around you (even if you dont think his plans are very realistic). His willingness to continue to care for you might give you some hope.

Do look after yourself. Huge vibes of support winging their way to you from over here

Tamar

 

Well, for what it's worth

Posted by Dinah on September 14, 2005, at 19:27:58

In reply to Re: Found out more - bad news (Trigger) Dinah, posted by Tamar on September 14, 2005, at 17:51:44

Which I'm reasonably certain is very little. That man is obviously having some major mood swings and dragging me along like the tail end of The Whip.

He said he was really surprised that I would drive what turned out to be nearly four and a half hours (one way) to see him. I asked him where he had been the last ten years, if he hadn't heard a word I said. And he said that he had *heard* it, but that was different than *feeling* it.

It wouldn't have been a session that met any organizational ideal for therapist self disclosure. And IMHO... Well, never mind. My emotional self is contentedly sprawled on an internal blankie, sleeping happily with one pudgy hand still lightly clasping an abundant bottle of expressed milk. I kind of like the internal peace so I won't say too much.

I filled him in on events since I had last seen him, then gave him the thread "For My Therapist" while I got in therapy mode. Because getting lost and being twenty minutes late is not conducive to therapy mode. Surprisingly, he started my session from when I showed up, not when I was supposed to show up.

Once I was nice and emotional, I let him know that I was angry with him for being willing to let me go. And that was pretty much the focus of the entire session. How ashamed I was that in the midst of so much disaster, my main focus was therapy, my fear that I'd lose him. But most of all, how angry I was that he wasn't like the control center for Apollo 13, saying that failure would not be an option, and that maintaining our relationship was something that we would work together to make sure happened. He said that if it were only he to consider he could do that, but that his family is also involved in the decision making. And when I retorted that I was willing to drive three hours each way to see him, and the least he could do was to promise to be there when I arrived, and how angry I was that he was being so wishy washy about whether he'd continue to see me, he said it was because he'd never ask anyone to drive that far. But that if I was willing to do that, he'd make the Apollo 13 statement. And he did.

While I was still in rational mode (and over strong emotional objections) I pointed out the major flaw in his plan, and he did see that I had a point, and left going back home weekly off the table after that.

A lot of it was explaining that he bought a house in the new location.

I have no earthly idea why I left feeling emotionally fulfilled, since basically it's even worse. The dratted man has bought a house. But he did say that keeping our relationship was as important to him as it was to me, even though I always had trouble recognizing that it was a two way relationship. Of course, I don't believe that for a second. But I maybe believe he meant it for a second, since he never says what he doesn't mean. I guess he was overcome with my obvious attachment or something. I don't expect it to last.

He hugged me when I showed up, and when I left. But that wasn't the part that I found satisfying. Maybe it was his saying that he was committed to making the relationship work (if I travelled six hours each time) or that it was as important to him as it was to me (however little I believe that).

Or maybe it was just that old safety magic, no matter the topic.

Sigh. I wish I understood myself. I shouldn't feel so good from this session. I really shouldn't.

But I obviously do.

Go figure.

 

Re: Well, for what it's worth

Posted by fallsfall on September 14, 2005, at 20:43:26

In reply to Well, for what it's worth, posted by Dinah on September 14, 2005, at 19:27:58

I'm glad it helped you to feel better. And the two of you do seem to be open and honest - and that is worth a lot.

Enjoy the feeling. Knowing that he is committed to you.

I'm glad it went well for you.

(((((Dinah)))))

 

Re: Well, for what it's worth Dinah

Posted by LadyBug on September 14, 2005, at 21:15:13

In reply to Well, for what it's worth, posted by Dinah on September 14, 2005, at 19:27:58

I'm glad you felt emotionally charged from seeing him. I'm bummed for you that he bought a house there. Was his destroyed? Becasue if you ask me, that was a fast move on his part. He's probably wondering why you would want to drive so far to see him. Can you schedule double sessions to make it more worth while.
Did seeing him give you the relief you needed? Was it worth it to go that far? Obviously it was.
What's next for both of you?? When can you see him next?
This shows just how strong the connection is for you and him. With some hard work you can continue to see him. Try not to think about the way off future just yet. Try to focus on the next few weeks. I think that would make it easier to digest for you. Thanks for the update!
Hugs~if you can handle more..
LadyBug

 

I hope I wasn't too brutal

Posted by Dinah on September 14, 2005, at 22:25:52

In reply to Re: Well, for what it's worth Dinah, posted by LadyBug on September 14, 2005, at 21:15:13

I was a bit upset with myself for the honesty. But he didn't seem upset or anything. I guess he's used to it from me.

I understand any ambivilance people may feel on reading the account of the session. I'm feeling no small amount of ambivilance myself.

It always amazes me that he has such a calming effect on me, no matter what.

 

Re: I hope I wasn't too brutal Dinah

Posted by JenStar on September 15, 2005, at 0:39:38

In reply to I hope I wasn't too brutal, posted by Dinah on September 14, 2005, at 22:25:52

hi Dinah,
The whole situation sucks, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you were uprooted, that he was uprooted, and that you are all starting over in new spots.

I'm glad you were able to see him, and that it calmed you down somewhat. I hope you're able to hold onto that calm and infuse your center and your gut with it, so that you don't feel the disturbing thoughts. You're a great, wonderful person -- and you WILL be able to survive without your T. (I know you might not WANT to, but you CAN!)

I'm guessing that it feels like safety is over and immortality had been dealt a huge blow, and the barely-holding-on-by-the-fingernails system for coping you had cobbled together is splintered apart. But I know you'll get your system back together again, whether it's with him or with someone else. And I reckon that you're a whole heck of a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for, and maybe stronger than you really WANT to be. But I think you ARE strong!

I don't know if I said anything that makes sense. Sorry if it's all rubbish. :) But truly, I do think you will survive this and be stronger for it, even if it hurts like h*ll right now and even if it seems that it will never get better.

Take care of yourself. I'm hoping for the best for you, whatever that is. Please be nice to yourself. :)

JenStar

 

Re: I hope I wasn't too brutal Dinah

Posted by fallsfall on September 15, 2005, at 6:28:24

In reply to I hope I wasn't too brutal, posted by Dinah on September 14, 2005, at 22:25:52

Your job in therapy is to be honest. And you were. So you did your job. Good for you.

You are doing what you need to do. What a great thing to be doing.

 

Re: I hope I wasn't too brutal Dinah

Posted by Tamar on September 15, 2005, at 17:08:01

In reply to I hope I wasn't too brutal, posted by Dinah on September 14, 2005, at 22:25:52

> I was a bit upset with myself for the honesty. But he didn't seem upset or anything. I guess he's used to it from me.

Isn't honesty a good thing? Id be willing to bet that your honesty gave him the opportunity to re-experience himself as a competent professional in the midst of great personal uncertainty. I know you say there was more disclosure on his part than might be usual but, as the saying goes, desperate times call for desperate measures.

> I understand any ambivilance people may feel on reading the account of the session. I'm feeling no small amount of ambivilance myself.

I'm not sure I understand what you mean about ambivalence. I read your account of the session as a beautiful moment of connection between two people whose lives have been turned upside down and who can nevertheless find some comfort in maintaining a relationship that has endured for many years. What's not to like?

> It always amazes me that he has such a calming effect on me, no matter what.

I think it's wonderful.

Tamar

 

Re: Well, for what it's worth Dinah

Posted by cricket on September 15, 2005, at 19:49:01

In reply to Well, for what it's worth, posted by Dinah on September 14, 2005, at 19:27:58

((((((((Dinah)))))))

I want to say something, but I don't know what.

I'm thinking of you often, but never seem to have words to post.

I'm sorry for that.

 

Re: I hope I wasn't too brutal Dinah

Posted by orchid on September 15, 2005, at 20:07:41

In reply to I hope I wasn't too brutal, posted by Dinah on September 14, 2005, at 22:25:52

(((Dinah)))

You are going through an extremely tough time. Katrina, losing your home, losing your T, and I think you also mentioned about possibly losing your job.

Please don't try to be too harsh on yourself. Be free to experience whatever you are experiencing. This is almost like your world has been turned upside down, and I am amazed at the way you have been coping with all of it so far. You have done a good job putting up with all the changes to the extent you have done.

Commuting 6 hours to see your therapist is going to be difficult in long run, but maybe you can get a new therapist meanwhile in your town, and also maintain your contact wiht your current T. Maybe you can visit him whenever time permits, and I am sure he will agree to it given the nature of the tragedy. Plus you can have regular therapy wiht some one nearby. So you can have best of both.

Plus anyways, I always thought it might do you good to try a new therapist after 10 years of therapy, so maybe for all you know, this might turn out to be a Blessing in Disguise.

Take Care
Orchid.

 

((dinah)) Dinah

Posted by Shortelise on September 15, 2005, at 20:17:04

In reply to I hope I wasn't too brutal, posted by Dinah on September 14, 2005, at 22:25:52

Oh, h*ell, Dinah. I don't kow what to say to you, except I really care, and I hope you can work this all through. In fact, I believe you can.

ShortE

 

Ambivilance

Posted by Dinah on September 15, 2005, at 21:19:20

In reply to ((dinah)) Dinah, posted by Shortelise on September 15, 2005, at 20:17:04

Well, mainly ambivilant because the fact came out that he had purchased a house in the new location. And that he's happy to continue seeing me if I'm happy to drive all that way.

I'm actually one of the lucky ones. I've got a home to return to, my husband and I both have jobs to return to. We are just temporarily displaced, and I'm temporarily underemployed.

I am NOT going to leave my therapist. I'll just waste one day a week, a lot of gas, and a day's pay to go see him.

But I will admit to being very angry with him. I think he and his family made some hasty decisions and now have to justify them by becoming entrenched. And it bugs me that I am so damned attached to someone, and rely on someone, who obviously does worse in an emergency than I do. :(

 

And to make matters worse

Posted by Dinah on September 15, 2005, at 21:21:55

In reply to Ambivilance, posted by Dinah on September 15, 2005, at 21:19:20

I had talked my employers out of making a similarly hasty bad decision, and it's now clear that my thinking was correct. The city is opening up the CBD soon, and people are being allowed to start to return next week.

If only the idiot talked to me first!!!!!!!

 

Re: And to make matters worse Dinah

Posted by Annierose on September 15, 2005, at 22:13:33

In reply to And to make matters worse, posted by Dinah on September 15, 2005, at 21:21:55

I think your disappointment is justified. It certainly does seem they made a hasty decision and purchase a new home in a nano (word?) second. In the midst of a storm (no pun intended), time matters. Time to think through to the next step, time to consider all the options, time to make a well thought out decision. They skipped a few steps. Unless, of course, they were thinking about moving to this city prior to Katrina.

I'm glad you are able to work something out to see him. I know how important this relationship is to you, that it's worth fighting for (to quote yourself).

"If only the idiot talked to me first!!!!!!!" ...

it's good to see Dinah's back in good form :-)

Annie

 

Re: Ambivilance Dinah

Posted by JenStar on September 15, 2005, at 23:31:56

In reply to Ambivilance, posted by Dinah on September 15, 2005, at 21:19:20

hi Dinah,
I'm sorry it's so tough. Is it possible your T wanted to live in a different city, for professional or family reasons, and this disaster was the excuse to start over somewhere new for him?

I'm sure it's very hard to leave clients, especially one so dedicated and close as you are to him. I know it hurts that he CAN leave so suddenly, without warning. I'm sorry life is not more stable than that. It's scary to think that solid supports can suddenly disappear. But I continue to believe that you are a strong wonderful person, and that you WILL do well without him being in the same city!

Like Orchid mentioned, maybe this will be a blessing in disguise? I know you want forever therapy, but it DID sort of sound (maybe?) like you were outgrowing the expertise of your T? Sometimes like piano students get too good for a certain teacher? Maybe it will be good to start over with a new T, a new point of view?

I'm sorry if that all sounded horrible, and if you don't want to do that. But I DO have confidence that you will prevail. :)

JenStar

 

Re: Ambivilance JenStar

Posted by Dinah on September 16, 2005, at 3:10:44

In reply to Re: Ambivilance Dinah, posted by JenStar on September 15, 2005, at 23:31:56

From all he explained to me, and all that I know, moving to another city never was even an idea until Katrina.

I do think that, like me, he doesn't want to live through a direct hit, when this resulted from a near miss. I think half the city feels that way. But I'm not sure it's a decision you make within the first weeks of the aftermath. And I didn't get the feeling that he was that confident in the decision.

I'm not going to get a new therapist.

 

Thanks Annierose

Posted by Dinah on September 16, 2005, at 3:13:06

In reply to Re: And to make matters worse Dinah, posted by Annierose on September 15, 2005, at 22:13:33

You *get* the range of feelings I'm experiencing, I think. Thank you for that.

 

Re: Ambivilance Dinah

Posted by jane_d on September 16, 2005, at 13:52:42

In reply to Ambivilance, posted by Dinah on September 15, 2005, at 21:19:20

> .... And it bugs me that I am so damned attached to someone, and rely on someone, who obviously does worse in an emergency than I do. :(

But Dinah! To be fair I think MOST people would do worse in an emergency than you have done. :)

Jane, who wants you in charge if she ever needs to evacuate.

 

Well put! (nm) jane_d

Posted by fallsfall on September 16, 2005, at 18:25:00

In reply to Re: Ambivilance Dinah, posted by jane_d on September 16, 2005, at 13:52:42

 

Re: Ambivilance Dinah

Posted by JenStar on September 16, 2005, at 19:57:14

In reply to Re: Ambivilance JenStar, posted by Dinah on September 16, 2005, at 3:10:44

Well, I'm sorry he made a hasty decision. Do you think he could/might undo it... like, sell the new house and move back, now that the city is opening? Or is this a totally permanent thing?

I hope the drive to see him isn't too difficult. Do you think he would set up an internet video feed for you guys to do "virtual reality" sessions...or is that just silly because you need to be physically present to get the hard work done?

In any case, I'm sorry. I wish I could help!
take care of yourself, and I hope you and your family can have a fun weekend. :)
JenStar

 

Thinking of you a lot

Posted by happyflower on September 17, 2005, at 23:00:55

In reply to Thinking of looking for very short term therapy, posted by Dinah on September 12, 2005, at 21:29:02

Hi Dinah,
I know you are going through such a bad time right now, I just don't think anything I can write would make you feel any better, so I have avoided saying anything.
You are going through so much pain and devistation, I don't know what I would do if I had to go through it all. But I do know from being on these boards the last couple of months, is that you are tough lady and smart.
I know you will be okay, because you are strong even when you don't think that you are.
Your post have helped me a lot and I wish I could say something to help you the way you have helped me, but can't imagine what you are going through. All I can offer is hugs and to let you know that we all need you around here, Babble wouldn't be the same without you. Best wishes to your family and you. ((((((Dinah)))))))(((((Dianh's family)))))) and (((((Dinah's T))))))

 

Thank you happyflower

Posted by Dinah on September 19, 2005, at 7:08:16

In reply to Thinking of you a lot, posted by happyflower on September 17, 2005, at 23:00:55

I'm sorry i haven't been posting. I've also turned on my instant messaging, even when i do have the computer which isn't often.

i'm just so self involved right now. anything that doesn't have to do with katrina seems a million miles away, yet i can't bear to talk about that either. so i'm just pulling away.

i'll probably be going home soon, although my husband's been assigned somewhere else. from all i hear my office is going to be closed for a good while, but there's plenty i need to do for a while. too much to do. and we found a school for my son there.

or i am thinking about trying the emergency room, but i'm guessing they've been flooded with people who feel the same way i do and probably aren't admitting anyone.

anyway, i probably won't have internet access for a while either way because i know my phone and therefore internet doesn't work at home. so no one should worry if they don't see me for a while.


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