Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 546586

Shown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Almost left a message for my T , but couldn't

Posted by happyflower on August 25, 2005, at 16:14:35

Today I wanted to tell my T I saw on Jane Pauley show where they were talking about different therapies to overcome your fears. Well they showed how EMDR works, which my T does. I told him before when it was on a couple of months ago and he seemed interested, so when I saw it was on again, I wanted to tell him.
But when I called he was in a session, so the secretary asked if I would like to leave a message. Well when his voice mail came on I froze and hung up. I couldn't say anything.

Even though my sessions have been great, very personal, I am wanting to retreat now. I am scared to get too close to him. He has been disclosing a lot lately, which doesn't bother me, but why is he doing this? He is disclosing stuff about his interests that are VERY simular to mine. Why is he choosing now to tell me? I am getting scared that I am liking him too much. I just don't want to get hurt if I am totally rejected after therapy. It scares me to really like him. Why is this? Now I want to hide and not do therapy, I feel like I am getting too attached or something. I just don't know, do you all have any ideas?
You know I do see him once in a while at the gym, and it has made therapy feel different. I am now doing therapy every 2 weeks. Things are going a lot better for me, so why am I shying away from him now? Seeing him at the gym helps me get through the 2 weeks until my next appointment. I am just confused especailly when I thought I was almost done with therapy.

 

Re: Almost left a message for my T , but couldn't » happyflower

Posted by daisym on August 25, 2005, at 19:53:09

In reply to Almost left a message for my T , but couldn't, posted by happyflower on August 25, 2005, at 16:14:35

I do that all the time...hear his voice, freak out and hang up. I'm glad he doesn't have caller ID (it's a service). I'm betting that's pretty normal.

As I read your post I thought about "In Session" and her research that said one of the most common precursors to a boundary violation was increased self-disclosure. So I thought...hmmm...perhaps you need to tell him you've noticed this shift and you wonder what it means.

But as I continued to read and you said, "I thought I was almost done" I could see where things might feel more relaxed and yet you worry more about how much you like him and how attached you are. Because if you like him too much and have to stop seeing him, termination will be that much harder. When you talk about shying away from him, it sounds like you are doing that today because of the phone call. But in sessions you are still open and honest and working hard. Maybe your psyche is telling you that the safety and boundaries of the office are very important to you. And since it has felt different since you started seeing him at the gym, that safety might be more shaken than you think. I could be all wet too...

I know it would be hard, but this seems really important to talk about. It might help you not have any unanswered questions or fantasies when you end. Good luck!

 

Re: Almost left a message for my T , but couldn't » daisym

Posted by happyflower on August 25, 2005, at 20:18:22

In reply to Re: Almost left a message for my T , but couldn't » happyflower, posted by daisym on August 25, 2005, at 19:53:09

Daisy, I am not sure what I am feeling. I do like to see him at the gym, even though I haven't seen him for over a week. With more time between appoinments, it helps to see him to sort of connect with him, even if it is just a smile or a hi.
I was even thinking that termination will be easier because goodbye won't mean I won't ever see him again. In fact in the winter I will probably see him more since he can't exercise and run outside in the snow. I think my therapy will probably be done by then, unless really bad stuff happens in my marriage, like my DH leaving me for this other women.
What chapter in the book does it talk about what you said? I need to go to the bookstore again and check it out. I do like it when he shares stuff with me, our sessions have been going over almost 15-20 minutes just talking about "his" stuff, but it does relate to my stuff because I have found out that we really do have a lot more in common than I thought. But he used to be very stict about time boundaries, but now he takes time out of his lunch hours to talk "socially". It is like he ends the session, makes the next appointment, then we socailize. There is mutual attraction between us, even though neither on of us has disclosed that, but you can tell. Doesn't take a rocket scientist for that. Then add the fact that we love the same stuff, he is hard to resist thinking about. My marriage isn't going well either, so I do enjoy the extra attention I am getting from him. But I am scared too, I don't want to get hurt. But yet I really like him, and want to know everything about him, I feel so drawn torwards him as a person. The common interests are unbelieveable, really. I know I am not making much sense, I am so confused about my feelings. I feel they are more than transference. I just don't know. But I don't believe he would ever cross the boundry with me during therapy, but I can see it could maybe go somewhere after therapy. I just don't how to sort out these feelings without talking to him about it.

 

Re: Almost left a message for my T , but couldn't » happyflower

Posted by Dinah on August 25, 2005, at 22:53:20

In reply to Re: Almost left a message for my T , but couldn't » daisym, posted by happyflower on August 25, 2005, at 20:18:22

I think he's not doing you any favors by crossing these particular boundaries. It doesn't sound good at all. It sounds seductive.

Seductive is not ok from a therapist.

 

Re: Almost left a message for my T , but couldn't

Posted by fairywings on August 26, 2005, at 8:30:35

In reply to Re: Almost left a message for my T , but couldn't » happyflower, posted by daisym on August 25, 2005, at 19:53:09

Hi Happy,
When Daisy said:
>
> But as I continued to read and you said, "I thought I was almost done" I could see where things might feel more relaxed and yet you worry more about how much you like him and how attached you are. Because if you like him too much and have to stop seeing him, termination will be that much harder. When you talk about shying away from him, it sounds like you are doing that today because of the phone call. But in sessions you are still open and honest and working hard. Maybe your psyche is telling you that the safety and boundaries of the office are very important to you. And since it has felt different since you started seeing him at the gym, that safety might be more shaken than you think. I could be all wet too..."


I agree with her, it makes so much sense. It's scary to think about a relationship ending, the finality of it.

fairywings

 

I want to cancel Monday's appointment » fairywings

Posted by happyflower on August 26, 2005, at 9:56:53

In reply to Re: Almost left a message for my T , but couldn't, posted by fairywings on August 26, 2005, at 8:30:35

I think since I have increased the time between sessions the only way I am getting through it is that slim possiablity that I might see him at the gym. I miss him terriable and that scares me. When I haven't seen him for over a week it is so hard. I guess I don't know why I am fearing getting attached because I feel like I must be if I miss him this much. I really miss his smile, his smile lets me know everything is okay. I just don't know what to think about my feelings anymore. I just want to cancel my Monday appointment, I want to avoid him. It is really weird because I miss him a lot, but yet I don't want to see him either. My mind is turning in circles.

 

I THINK I AM JUST A DORK (nm)

Posted by happyflower on August 26, 2005, at 12:02:16

In reply to I want to cancel Monday's appointment » fairywings, posted by happyflower on August 26, 2005, at 9:56:53

 

You are not a dork! » happyflower

Posted by Tamar on August 26, 2005, at 13:00:12

In reply to I THINK I AM JUST A DORK (nm), posted by happyflower on August 26, 2005, at 12:02:16

Hey Happyflower,

I think I've been in a similar place to the place you're in now. The longing, and the hope of seeing him outside therapy (at the gym in your case), the desire both to see him and not to see him… it sounds familiar to me.

You sound so sad. I'm so sorry.

If he's disclosing a lot and letting your sessions run over, I can imagine you might feel quite conflicted. It must be wonderful and scary at the same time. If you're anything like me you might be wondering what he's thinking, and how he feels about you, and what his thoughts and feelings might mean and where they might lead.

I think other people are right about discussing the boundaries with him. If I were in your shoes I’d feel afraid, and I’d worry that he’d stop disclosing things. And perhaps there’s some truth in that. But I think that actually having the discussion should give you a sense of relief. I worry that if you carry on without saying anything you’ll end up having a kind of secret from him that will get in the way of your therapy. By a secret, I mean you might want to let things continue the way they are, without knowing where they might be going, which means you can’t discuss it, because to talk about it would be to jinx it, but not talking about it makes you very insecure because you don’t know how he feels or what he thinks.

Maybe I’ve got this all wrong… but I worry that what’s happening at the moment isn’t really helping you.

(((((Happyflower)))))


 

I agree with Dinah

Posted by gardenergirl on August 26, 2005, at 14:33:21

In reply to Re: Almost left a message for my T , but couldn't » happyflower, posted by Dinah on August 25, 2005, at 22:53:20

I can imagine how good it feels to have this increased connection due to the things you have in common. But therapy is never supposed to be for the therapist's needs or disclosures. I'm worried about this relationship and your vulnerability.


gg

 

Re: Almost left a message for my T , but couldn't » happyflower

Posted by cricket on August 26, 2005, at 19:52:28

In reply to Almost left a message for my T , but couldn't, posted by happyflower on August 25, 2005, at 16:14:35

Hi Happyflower,

It's strange about therapist disclosure. My therapist and I have very little in common and sometimes he will self disclose just to try to form a bit of a bond between us I think. But his disclosures are things like "I like peanut butter sandwiches too," or even things like "I was an angry adolescent too," with a quick "but of course I didn't have a fraction of the reasons for it that you did." And I appreciate his attempts even if they don't exactly make me feel like his soul mate :-)

But it sounds like your problem is very different. You two have felt an affinity for each other from the start, right? So when your therapist discloses it must feel more like courtship or at least friendship. Although you didn't say what he discloses, I suspect it might be more than a fondness for peanut butter sandwiches.

I can certainly understand how it feels good and you don't want to lose it.

One thing I guess you have to think about is it fair for you to pay to be his confidante. Something to think about.

 

Re: You are not a dork!

Posted by fairywings on August 26, 2005, at 22:03:24

In reply to You are not a dork! » happyflower, posted by Tamar on August 26, 2005, at 13:00:12

happyflower babblemailed me and said that for some reason she's can't post tonight, the system won't let her. Something about her registration. I"m sure she'll be back asap.

fw

 

You summed up exactly how I feel » Tamar

Posted by happyflower on August 27, 2005, at 10:26:13

In reply to You are not a dork! » happyflower, posted by Tamar on August 26, 2005, at 13:00:12

I think you explained exactly what I am feeling, you did a much better job then me! I am not sure what do to do with these feelings, it is so hard. I wish I could come right out and ask him what he is thinking and feeling but I can't.

 

Re: Almost left a message for my T , but couldn't » cricket

Posted by happyflower on August 27, 2005, at 10:36:24

In reply to Re: Almost left a message for my T , but couldn't » happyflower, posted by cricket on August 26, 2005, at 19:52:28


>
> But it sounds like your problem is very different. You two have felt an affinity for each other from the start, right? So when your therapist discloses it must feel more like courtship or at least friendship. Although you didn't say what he discloses, I suspect it might be more than a fondness for peanut butter sandwiches.

Yes you are right, I have felt something for him from the beginning ( I still don't know what exactly). You post made me laugh. The stuff he is disclosing is about his personal interestes. Like he loves gardening and so do I, he loves a lot of the same music as me. But why didn't he disclose this stuff to me when he KNEW it about me. Why did he wait?
I don't feel like he has stopped being my therapist, he is still helping me a great deal. I don't feel he is seducing me at all. I admit there is an attraction between us, but I would be totally shocked if he ever acted on it. His boundries have relaxed some, but I don't feel he is crossing anything. All I know is that I really like him as a person, now that I know a more about him. If we were not married, and he wasn't my T, I would 100% pursue him. But reality sometimes sucks. I am scared of liking him too much and getting close to him during therapy and then losing all of that after I am done. I am so confused about all of this.
>
> I can certainly understand how it feels good and you don't want to lose it.
>
> One thing I guess you have to think about is it fair for you to pay to be his confidante. Something to think about.
>

 

Re: Almost left a message for my T , but couldn't » happyflower

Posted by cricket on August 29, 2005, at 10:00:16

In reply to Re: Almost left a message for my T , but couldn't » cricket, posted by happyflower on August 27, 2005, at 10:36:24

Like he loves gardening and so do I, he loves a lot of the same music as me. But why didn't he disclose this stuff to me when he KNEW it about me. Why did he wait?

Well maybe because you had some urgent issues that needed attention. Now that a lot of that has been resolved, there is room for other things.

> I don't feel like he has stopped being my therapist, he is still helping me a great deal. I don't feel he is seducing me at all. I admit there is an attraction between us, but I would be totally shocked if he ever acted on it. His boundries have relaxed some, but I don't feel he is crossing anything. All I know is that I really like him as a person, now that I know a more about him. If we were not married, and he wasn't my T, I would 100% pursue him. But reality sometimes sucks. I am scared of liking him too much and getting close to him during therapy and then losing all of that after I am done. I am so confused about all of this.
> >
Now that you describe it more clearly, it doesn't sound like he's really crossing any boundaries. It sounds like many other people's therapy except you have the added spark of mutual attraction. So, they're just feelings, right? Nothing wrong with those on either side, I would say.

And why should you have to lose it? You might need to end formal therapy at some point but I think that many therapists don't have a problem with a former client checking in from time to time.
>
I guess the only way I would see you losing anything is if feelings started turning into actions. Then you might gain a lover but you'd lose a therapist.

I don't know about you but I've had plenty of lovers that never did me much good but I've only had one therapist so far. So if I was you, I'd stick with him as therapist. :-)
>

 

Re: Almost left a message for my T , but couldn't » cricket

Posted by happyflower on August 29, 2005, at 14:29:57

In reply to Re: Almost left a message for my T , but couldn't » happyflower, posted by cricket on August 29, 2005, at 10:00:16

Thank you cricket! You are probably right. :)


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