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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by annierose on August 26, 2005, at 22:36:19
I went into therapy today determined to continue the attachment/dependence/why is therapy so hard -conversation. I could have entertained her with numerous in-law stories from this week; I stayed on track.
I brought up the dreaded dream - AGAIN - and asked her why she felt I am so vulnerable there since sharing it. Her guess was that in the dream I let her know how much she meant to me, that I loved her (as a mother/therapist figure). And as much as she might think I'm one of the neatest person she has ever met (something like that), that she cannot go down that road with me. As my therapist, she helps me with my emotional life, and wants to help me understand and come to terms with the pain I carry inside of me. She said she wished she could magically make it all go away, and if she could, she would. I felt such compassion in her voice. That she was really working hard to pull me back in. I cried, but quickly recovered. I guess I didn't want to feel too vulnerable too soon.
She went on to explain the steps she felt I needed to go through. After hearing this process, I felt discouraged that I was only at step one. No, she said, I was way beyond the first step. I was there, in therapy, and I've worked hard to get where I was today.
One of the interesting parallels she drew for me was that the theraputic relationship is unequal by design (in the sense that I disclose my feelings). And this paradigm simulates how I must of felt as a child: a little girl loves her parents with all her heart, openly sharing her love by wanting and needing them, learning from them. But my parents are not able to express their feelings for me in that way. So in therapy when she doesn't reassure me, or I don't know what she is thinking, it is unnerving, it's familiar, so I pull back in. Intellectually I know she cares about me, likes me even, but I can't trust it all the time.
I did ask for reassurance today that I was doing the work necessary for a happier life, that I was on track, and she did. She summarized where I had been, and where I am today.
I left feeling reconnected and happy. I hope I can hold on to this feeling next week. It seems so tenuous, one mis-step and I'm back in the abyss searching for a flashlight. It's such a struggle. And it's a slow process.
Family week update: My sister-in-laws and I are having a great time stealing moments to ourselves comparing mother-in-law stories and our husbands (the 3 brothers). My MIL dissed me twice today, and my SIL spoke up for me. The cousins are loving the time together too. Basically, we do get along, if it wasn't for the intrusive comments and actions of our MIL, life would be okay. Only one full day of togetherness left :)
(and I kept my therapy appointment today which was the best thing I did!)
Posted by Tamar on August 27, 2005, at 5:46:10
In reply to Ahhhh, some therapy relief at last, posted by annierose on August 26, 2005, at 22:36:19
I’m glad it went so well. It’s hard work! But it can be very rewarding. I know it can feel tenuous at times, but it sounds to me as if you’re working hard to put things in place so that you’ll have the support to move to the next level.
Good for you!
Tamar
Posted by Dinah on August 27, 2005, at 6:28:14
In reply to Ahhhh, some therapy relief at last, posted by annierose on August 26, 2005, at 22:36:19
Oh, I'm so happy for you. I knew she'd be sensitive and compassionate, but I'm glad she conveyed it.
:)
I was so lucky in my mother in law. But at least you and your sisters in laws are united. It's nice to have that sort of relationship. I don't have much in common with my brother, and my husband is an only, so sibling family togetherness is something I appreciate.
Posted by Annierose on August 27, 2005, at 22:49:26
In reply to Re: Ahhhh, some therapy relief at last » annierose, posted by Tamar on August 27, 2005, at 5:46:10
Thank you. I'm afraid at each level it only gets harder, and I'm not so sure I want to go there quite yet. Do I have to grow up?
Posted by Annierose on August 27, 2005, at 22:52:02
In reply to Re: Ahhhh, some therapy relief at last, posted by Dinah on August 27, 2005, at 6:28:14
Thank you Dinah. I'm looking forward to my next session on Monday to see what it brings ... will I keep moving forward? or talk about nonsense? I send my kids off to the first day of school on Monday so I may be already alittle emotional.
Posted by daisym on August 27, 2005, at 23:13:54
In reply to Ahhhh, some therapy relief at last, posted by annierose on August 26, 2005, at 22:36:19
I'm jealous!
But I'm glad for you. I think we do need to pull back sometimes and understand where we were and where we are now and how the process is working. Those kind of sessions are like rebonding, and making sure you are both on the same page. I always feel drained but better after those.
The only trouble I have after sessions like that is that I don't know how to restart. It often feels like we've wrapped stuff up and closed those holes, so I hesitate to open stuff up again.
I'm glad she could make you feel cared for and safe.
Posted by Annierose on August 28, 2005, at 10:56:06
In reply to Re: Ahhhh, some therapy relief at last » annierose, posted by daisym on August 27, 2005, at 23:13:54
Even mid-session I have a hard time opening up a hole that was I just experienced. During this session, when she was expressing her caring thoughts via the boundaries a therapist contains for the client, I started to cry. I was on the verge of a major trembling type cry. I managed to contain it, not sure I should. Maybe that needs to be heard.
Posted by gardenergirl on August 28, 2005, at 15:47:22
In reply to Re: Ahhhh, some therapy relief at last » daisym, posted by Annierose on August 28, 2005, at 10:56:06
Oh, those types of crying are so hard. So hard to contain, but it feels so necessary to contain it, doesn't it? I'm not sure what I'm scared of if I let go, but I know I am scared.
gg
Posted by Poet on August 28, 2005, at 21:19:32
In reply to Ahhhh, some therapy relief at last, posted by annierose on August 26, 2005, at 22:36:19
Hi Annierose,
It must feel so good to have that much earned relief. You deserve it.
You also deserve a better MIL, but I won't go into that one. Happy dissing her with the SILs.
Hope the happiness lasts into your next session and beyond.
Poet
Posted by Annierose on August 28, 2005, at 22:20:41
In reply to Re: Ahhhh, some therapy relief at last » Annierose, posted by gardenergirl on August 28, 2005, at 15:47:22
I guess I feel silly crying there. She has even gone so far and asked me why I keep stopping the stream of tears, "I have kleenex, and I'm here and prepared if you cry ...." It's not that I don't ever cry, but it's a trickle of tears. I'm holding back the flood. Afterall, I go from her office to work on 2 of the 3 days.
Another answer just popped into my head. When my son and I were involved in the car accident last Spring, I did sob heavily in her office. I was completely distraught, beside myself with raw grief (he was in ICU under "observation" even though NOTHING was injured ... but that's another story). Anyway, as sympathic and understanding and wonderful as my T was, and she was, I felt naked crying there. To cry so hard and not have the other human being in that room physically comfort me was difficult to endure. Again - my mom couldn't comfort me in that way either. So my therapist boundaries trip me up. See how I answered my own question by babbling. Now do you think I can share this with her?????
Posted by Annierose on August 28, 2005, at 22:29:37
In reply to Re: Ahhhh, some therapy relief at last » annierose, posted by Poet on August 28, 2005, at 21:19:32
Thanks Poet -
Now let's see what will happen tomorrow. Can I stay open and vulnerable? I always hope so.
MIL togetherness has finally ended, thank goodness. The last time we were together for an extended time was over Thanksgiving. My SIL and I were sharing some therapy moments and my MIL overheard and quipped, "I want to go to Annie's therapist, do you think she'd see me?" "NO WAY IN H*LL" ... Well, I didn't quite put it like that. She does need therapy though, but she always quits after a few sessions siting "counter-transferance". No ego problems with this one.
My T laughs. My mother is and has been totally uninvolved in my life. My MIL is the opposite spectrum ... probably why I tolerate more than most people. She means well.
This will bring a smile to babble readers for instrusive comment from a MIL: my husband was particularly grumpy at one family gathering a year ago, snapping at our daughter for something insignificant. My MIL pulls me aside and asked, "My son seems unhappy. Is he getting enough sex?" Well you could have tipped me over. I walked away.
Posted by gardenergirl on August 28, 2005, at 22:42:41
In reply to Re: Ahhhh, some therapy relief at last » gardenergirl, posted by Annierose on August 28, 2005, at 22:20:41
OMG, that's it! It's the lack of physical comfort, which under most any other circumstances, would be offered. Might not be effective, but it would be offererd.
It feels SO ALONE!
Ack.
Love the MIL comment in your other reply. What a precious woman. ;)
gg
Posted by Poet on August 28, 2005, at 22:59:21
In reply to Re: Ahhhh, some therapy relief at last » Poet, posted by Annierose on August 28, 2005, at 22:29:37
Hi Annierose,
I think you should have replied *I don't know, you'll have to ask him.*
My husband's mother died a month before our wedding, but she was a great MILT (Mother in Living Together.) We used to get tipsy together. One very memorable night she knocked her drink off the table, looked around and said didn't I have a drink? I told her not to move, brought her a new glass and cleaned up. I think I would have made a great daughter in law.
I do miss her, I liked her a lot. Sorry about yours, maybe she'll move far away.
Poet
Posted by Annierose on August 29, 2005, at 15:48:21
In reply to Re: Ahhhh, some therapy relief at last » Annierose, posted by Poet on August 28, 2005, at 22:59:21
No, I should have replied to my MIL
"My sex life is great, not sure how your son's is." Leave her perplexed.
Sorry to hear that your MIL died before she got to see you marry her son. That must be painful for your husband as well.
This is the end of the thread.
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