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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by JenStar on August 25, 2005, at 0:33:59
hi all,
a friend I trust recommended a T to me, saying she is a GREAT T, helpful, etc. I'm wondering if it would be weird to see the same person my friend is seeing. I know that because of confidentiality it should be OK. And I know this question has been asked before, but sometimes it helps me to hear the answer again!How would you feel if a friend started seeing your T? Or if a friend recommended his/her T to you, would you be comfortable starting up?
My friend assured me that he is OK with it. So I guess it's not an issue, right? So why am I even concerned at all? hmmmmm...
JenStar
Posted by felixbabble on August 25, 2005, at 0:56:39
In reply to would it be OK to see a friend's therapist?, posted by JenStar on August 25, 2005, at 0:33:59
Jenstar,
I found that finding a good therapist is very difficult. I say this because for me it is a very unique relationship that you have to build. The main issue is whether or not you will be able to communicate with the therapist effectively.
If a friend came to me with the same offer, I would really have to consider if this friend knows me well enough to know how I will interact/communicate with this therapist. Many times people offer suggestions and advice based on their unique experience and not considering how others may view the same experience.
Other than that, I would not worry or even think twice about the privacy issue.
If you have the opportunity to connect with a "great" therapist, grab it.
My two cents
Posted by Shortelise on August 25, 2005, at 1:25:04
In reply to would it be OK to see a friend's therapist?, posted by JenStar on August 25, 2005, at 0:33:59
A friend of mine wanted to see my T, and I felt really threatened. She's young and gorgeous, and I knew he'd like her more than he likes me. Ok, that's not rational, but hey, since when is rationality part of anything? I could not "share" him with her. He's mine, all mine...
It really pushed some buttons for me.My point of view, for what it's worth.
J
Posted by rainbowbrite on August 25, 2005, at 2:59:10
In reply to would it be OK to see a friend's therapist?, posted by JenStar on August 25, 2005, at 0:33:59
never had that experience BUT i think I would avoid it if you can.
Not because the therapist would like the friend better but...umm it sounds sticky to me.
Posted by Dinah on August 25, 2005, at 6:46:54
In reply to would it be OK to see a friend's therapist?, posted by JenStar on August 25, 2005, at 0:33:59
It depends on the relationship your friend has with the therapist. If she has a collegial collaborative relationship, it'd probably be fine. If there's transference going on, no matter what she says it probably wouldn't be ok with her at all. She'd probably want it to be ok, but it wouldn't.
The problem is that you really just can't tell. What people acknowledge to themselves and what's really true are only sometimes the same.
Posted by annierose on August 25, 2005, at 6:54:15
In reply to would it be OK to see a friend's therapist?, posted by JenStar on August 25, 2005, at 0:33:59
No way, no how, I'm not sharing. In other words, feelings of my 4 year old "it's mine" self would pop up.
Especially if it's a pyschodynamic therapist, he/she may not take on a current client's friend, but this T may be a great resource for a referral.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on August 25, 2005, at 7:47:28
In reply to would it be OK to see a friend's therapist?, posted by JenStar on August 25, 2005, at 0:33:59
Jen,
This is a wierd situation. I found myself recommending my T to a friend of mine and I thought I was fine. After all, my T is the best there is, and don't I want the best for my friend????
However, practically right after I gave her his card, I began regretting it. Here the girl hadn't even called him yet and I was feeling jealous and threatened. So childish, but I can't help it, HE's mine and I don't want to share (even though I say I do).
Luckily, he didn't take her insurance, so that was that. How about if your friend ask her T to recommend someone else? Someone he trusts?
Posted by daisym on August 25, 2005, at 10:27:40
In reply to Re: would it be OK to see a friend's therapist?, posted by Miss Honeychurch on August 25, 2005, at 7:47:28
I had pretty much the same reaction as everyone else. I thought I would be fine with it but when I ran into a friend who was seeing someone else in the same office, it really rattled me. I felt so invaded, like the secret was out. Which was stupid because she already knew I was in therapy.
However, another one of my friends recommends her therapist all the time and has dragged half her extended family in. And she is fine with it. So each situation is different.
My therapist wouldn't see you though, if he knew he was seeing your friend. He told me once he needs to keep the boundaries really tight so I could feel completely safe. I've always wondered what would happen if someone started with him and he found out a few months into it that there was a connection. It must be hard on therapists to not react with a "oh no." And then keep everything separate.
Posted by Augustina on August 25, 2005, at 10:40:50
In reply to would it be OK to see a friend's therapist?, posted by JenStar on August 25, 2005, at 0:33:59
This is a very interesting question.
I personally would not want a friend of mine to see my T. For me, the reasons are purely selfish...I don't want to share my T! I know he sees many other clients besides myself of course, but I don't know these other people which somehow makes it okay. With a friend though, it would be a different thing. I've talked to my therapist about this b/c I did have a friend who was interested in seeing my T and his attitude was that it would be fine only if it was fine w/me.
He mentioned he would not schedule us on the same days, etc...but yet I still felt uncomfortable with the situation. I ended up telling my friend how I felt and she understood completely.Since your friend is letting you know that it's OK w/him then that's wonderful and you're very fortunate to have such a great referral.
Posted by LittleGirlLost on August 25, 2005, at 11:36:08
In reply to would it be OK to see a friend's therapist?, posted by JenStar on August 25, 2005, at 0:33:59
I was faced with something similar, so I will share my experience with you.
My T was recommended by a friend of mine who was also seeing her. I was afraid at first, so this friend really helped to get the ball rolling. I began seeing the therapist, and I kinda liked having my friend to "consult" with on the T's personality and stuff. Until.... feelings became involved. Once I started having feelings in therapy, I could not stand my friend seeing MY therapist, even though she was seeing her first. I felt like a bad friend since she was gracious enough to recommend her T, but I was the one who had a problem sharing. After a while, this was eating me up inside, but I felt like such a horrible person and didn't want to say anything. I finally did though, and my T completely understood. My friend eventually stopped seeing her (not because of me), but it was still hard for me. My T and I talked about this A LOT! Oh, and I even distanced myself from this friend throughout all of this. One day, my friend was going through some really difficult things and she called T for advice, even though technically she was no longer her client. Well, my friend was so pleased that she then called me to tell me how great T was and how she helped her out. Well, I was NOT pleased, LOL and that was the last I ever spoke to her!! (Which is okay I guess, we weren't "great" friends anyway.)
I think about this situation from time to time, and wonder if she went back to her. I doubt that she did, but it still bothers me if she is. She didn't have the same issues as me and didn't see it as sharing, so I don't think she'd understand. I can honestly say that even though we are no longer in contact (my friend and I) I would have a BIG problem if she was seeing MY T. A few times I've thought about asking T this, but I don't even want to bring up the friend's name when I'm with T.
So, that's just my take. Oh, and I already told my T that I would never refer anyone to her!
lgl
Posted by frida on August 25, 2005, at 14:44:17
In reply to Re: My Experience, posted by LittleGirlLost on August 25, 2005, at 11:36:08
Hi,
My experience is similar to Little Girl Lost.
I feel horrible to have had those feelings but I feel that sharing T's eventually brings problems.
When I was in great distress, one friend of mine suggested I called her T, saying her T was great, etc. (she wasn't as attached to her because she took things differently and went there for other reasons). Well, I was so desperate that I called my now T and left a message and started seeing her.
At first with my friend everything was ok, and we would share, but I started feeling awful when my friend shared about her sessions..It truly hurt and made me doubt everything. I felt really bad. It got very hard-
Eventually my friend stopped seeing my T, (now it's been three years since she hasn't seen her), and doesn't expect to see her, but it is hard. Now we stay in touch every once in a while, and I can't share anything about T, because I feel afraid of her wanting to see my T again.
My friend and I weren't as close- but still, it is a very difficult situation.
I feel grateful that my friend is feeling well and doesn't need T anymore and doesn't want to see my T.
it's silly maybe but i was relieved to know now that my T and I have been seeing each other for more time than they had.
I feel like a child- having all these feelings- but I would not share my T with anyone.
Maybe you can ask this T to give you some referrals? I don't know, it's a difficult thing...it does affect the friendship.frida
Posted by LittleGirlLost on August 25, 2005, at 15:58:21
In reply to Re: My Experience » LittleGirlLost, posted by frida on August 25, 2005, at 14:44:17
Frida,
Yes it does sound like our expereinces were pretty much the same. Like yours, my friend didn't have a problem sharing at all. She didn't see it as "sharing" like I do since they didn't have the same type of attachment.
Oh yes, your story sounds much like mine... not being able to share stuff (especially T stuff) with your friend anymore, worrying she may return, etc. Just wanted to comment on this.And also to the OP, I think it also CAN work; obviously my friend didn't have a problem with it at all. I think it's something you really need to think about, and maybe even talk to your friend about it too.
It's a hard decision; good luck!~LGL
Posted by Emily Elizabeth on August 25, 2005, at 17:21:03
In reply to would it be OK to see a friend's therapist?, posted by JenStar on August 25, 2005, at 0:33:59
I vote not to do it unless there is no other option. A friend and I ended up assigned to the same counselor at the university when we were in college. It wasn't a huge problem, but it was uncomfortable. My friend felt funny mentioning situations that involved me b/c I have a unique name and the T would know who she was talking abt etc. The worst thing was that the T was pushing me to terminate when I didn't want to and pushing my friend to stay in therapy when she didn't want to. The T also wasn't that good, I guess.
On the other hand, I asked my current T to get me some reccommendations for my ex-boyfriend. That went really well. Good T's know other good T's (and who should be avoided). I would see if your friend could get some names.
Best,
EE
Posted by LadyBug on August 25, 2005, at 19:54:20
In reply to Re: would it be OK to see a friend's therapist?, posted by Emily Elizabeth on August 25, 2005, at 17:21:03
No way would I let my friend see my T. We would want to compare what she tells us etc. She's MINE. I had a friend ask once if I knew of anyone. My T. said, would it bother you if she saw me? I don't think it would be a good idea. My attachment must not have been as strong then. I couldn't tolerate sharing.
LadyBug
Posted by sleepygirl on August 25, 2005, at 22:33:57
In reply to Re: would it be OK to see a friend's therapist? » JenStar, posted by Shortelise on August 25, 2005, at 1:25:04
Oh my God! I felt the same way-like the nerve of them trying to talk to MY therapist-MINE!!
signed,
doesnotsharewellwithothersgirl
Posted by JenStar on August 27, 2005, at 13:17:42
In reply to would it be OK to see a friend's therapist?, posted by JenStar on August 25, 2005, at 0:33:59
hi everyone,
thanks so much for taking time to read & reply. You all gave me some great insights! I've decided to go ahead and see the T, at least for one session. My friend encouraged me to do it, said he didn't mind, and gave me her phone # to call. He also said that he gave her number to someone else who now sees her too, and that made me feel OK about it -- the fact that he is OK with it!I called and talked to her and she was GREAT and wonderful on the phone, and I'm looking forward to meeting her. I have an apptmt for next week!
Please wish me well!thanks!
JenStar
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