Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 540515

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I said it! The M and the L words...(really long)

Posted by daisym on August 12, 2005, at 1:20:18

I have had a very intense week of therapy sessions. Yesterday started with my therapist saying "You left upset yesterday (Tuesday)." I agreed that I was really, really upset. Furious with him, in fact. I told him I came home and banged on the keyboard and made a list of what I was mad at. He wanted to hear the list. I said I wasn't mad anymore. He still wanted to hear the list. So I told him some of what was on it: I was mad that I had all these intense feelings for him, and I was mad that he is married and mad because I can't stay with him and he won't go home with me and mad because I'm sure he doesn't say mean things to his wife. I was mad because I want what I think he has. And I was really mad because therapy was deep and painful and he looked so sad. I'm tired of making him sad.

I said I knew I wasn't "really" mad at him...but he stopped me and said he thought I was really, actually mad at him. He said he pushed really hard yesterday...maybe too hard? We had been talking about how hard it is for me to stand up to anger, particularly my husband's. And we talked about why I can't hold on to my own experience -- I try so hard to be fair that I take on the other person's experience and let go of what I want. Or tell myself I shouldn't be having the experience or feelings I'm having. As we went deeper into this, I got more and more upset. But he said we really need to go here, we have to look at why you can't stand up for yourself in your personal relationships. At the very end I fell apart -- I told him I NEED to understand why people think they can treat me like this...people who supposedly love me hurt me intentionally and then tell me I deserve it. And I believe it. I want to reject it. But I can't. And I told him that I had no idea if I was talking about my dad or my husband...I can't understand why either one treats me like he does/did. And then time was up and I stormed out. (That was Tuesday.)

At the end of my session yesterday, he asked me if we needed to talk about my "intense" feelings for him. Could I describe them better? I told him that I was still split between wanting to be taken care of and adult longings for him. He asked me if there was anything else I wanted to tell him and I said "no." (That was Wednesday)

Today I took in two very intense journal pages from 4am this morning. I said I needed to read them to him before I lost my nerve but I thought they were important. Here is what I wrote:

"I didn't say yesterday 'I have fallen in love with you'...Have I? The feelings of wanting something so much and knowing that you can't have it are here. The idea of someone (him) filling that space in my life seems like the ultimate fantasy. Intellectually I know that I'm just feeling lonely and very sad about how things have turned out with my husband. But, X(my therapist) has awakened a part of me that wants to be loved. And wants to love someone honestly back. Without fear and without censoring. So I guess I do love him. So the next question is, can I "just" love him and not have an agenda to make him love me? Can I live with this, like it is, without it driving me crazy? And the biggest question is: Am I focusing on these feelings to avoid the other, harder stuff? Is there harder stuff than this?"

Journal con't: "I've sat here for a long time and thought about things. I wanted to talk to X(my therapist) so badly about all this, right now. And the need for him is making me ache. It has been this way all evening. And not being able to, knowing that tomorrow is Thursday, is intensely painful. Knowing that I am never going to have him, or someone like him, really care about me and allow me to care about them is intolerable. I feel swallowed up in the frustration and longing of it all. "

There were a lot of other things in the two pages and I had tears running down my face by the time I was finished. He, of course, wanted to talk about this part. I said I needed to know if it was OK, was he going to transfer me, terminate me or otherwise leave me? He said no, of course not. That it was completely OK for me to have these feelings and he really wanted to hear about them. He said a lot of things about this being a completely safe and contained space for them so there was no right or wrong about it. I said I felt foolish, like a giant therapy cliche. He smiled and said he didn't think of me that way. He said he would never minimize or dismiss my feelings and he didn't want me to either. And he said that this doesn't happen as much as everyone thinks so when it does he is very careful to take these feelings seriously and be sensitive to how painful they can be. But he asked if we could focus on the positive parts of it for a little while...because having loving feelings for someone is a good thing and it was OK to let myself feel the positive parts.

It was actually a really good discussion. He thinks we can learn a lot by looking at these feelings and already we've divided them into three components that shift and change: romantic love, sexual curiosity and "pure" childlike love for him. I said I was back to wanting to be special. He said that was fine, everyone should feel special. I was in tears a lot...and he was patient with that. The most unexpected question he asked was, "Do you wish you didn't feel love for me?" Framed that way, I think the answer has to be "no." I think it is extraordinary that I've grown to trust him enough to feel this way for him AND to tell him about it. He seemed to like that answer and he seemed really pleased that I could have and tolerate these feelings. He thinks something is shifting and changing. I hope it is a good something.

It is still really scary. So, am I going to regret all this? First admitting I was mad at him and then admitting love? What was I thinking!?

 

Daisy

Posted by Pfinstegg on August 12, 2005, at 1:36:07

In reply to I said it! The M and the L words...(really long), posted by daisym on August 12, 2005, at 1:20:18

Good, good, good- all of it!

 

Re: I said it! The M and the L words...(really long) daisym

Posted by Tamar on August 12, 2005, at 4:13:16

In reply to I said it! The M and the L words...(really long), posted by daisym on August 12, 2005, at 1:20:18

Wow daisy, what an amazing experience! I can imagine it was very intense.

I like that that he said having loving feelings for someone was a good thing, and that he asked you to focus on the positive parts of it for a while. Maybe thats sometimes difficult to do, but it sounds like a wonderful approach to it all.

It sounds as if he really deserves the trust youve come to feel for him. I can imagine its scary. But I think youre right: it really does seem as if something is shifting and changing. Im glad hes there for you.

Tamar

 

Re: I said it! The M and the L words...(really long)

Posted by happyflower on August 12, 2005, at 7:00:47

In reply to I said it! The M and the L words...(really long), posted by daisym on August 12, 2005, at 1:20:18

WOW! I am impressed Daisy! That took guts to be that honest with him! I don't think I could ever say that to my T even though I feel some of those same things sometimes.

I am kinda afraid though, because if you read the above post that was started by Orchid about Reinstating Innocence, you can see that we are going through simular things in therapy, and learning simular things because of it.

I do have feelings for my T but the only difference in our situations, is that I think the feelings are mutual. I am not sure, because we have't talked about it, but I can tell. I don't know what it all means if anything. I am almost done I think once we get through my marriage issues I will be done with therapy. I am choosing to stop, because I think I am okay now, i just need some guidence on my marriage. I am receiveing the kind of attention that I wish I would receive from my husband, but am getting from my T. It is tough not to fall in love, when they are so caring. You did good, I am proud of you. I just wish I had 1/2 the amount of courage as you. :)

 

Re: I said it! The M and the L words...(really long) daisym

Posted by gardenergirl on August 12, 2005, at 9:23:00

In reply to I said it! The M and the L words...(really long), posted by daisym on August 12, 2005, at 1:20:18

Daisy,
I agree with the others who noticed a shift. You got mad, really really mad, and you let yourself feel and express this. That's big. And expressing it led you into the same pattern (not staying with your experience, but rather worrying about him), which then led you to the more intense feelings. That's big! What an intense few days.

I imagine that really delving into your feelings of love was very painful indeed. I'm happy for you that you felt you were able to do this. And then to tell him. That's a huge trust thing, and he didn't let you down. He's a gem, and so are you.

And I'm so glad you posted about this. Love is such a complex thing, and I think that if it's viewed two-dimensionally, it CAN look like a therapy cliche. Your T's explanation, which comes from your work together, is really informative. I hope Ms. Lott is lurking. ;-)

((((daisy))))

Take care,
gg


 

Re: I said it! The M and the L words...(really lon

Posted by caraher on August 12, 2005, at 9:30:19

In reply to Re: I said it! The M and the L words...(really long) daisym, posted by gardenergirl on August 12, 2005, at 9:23:00

Amazing stuff! I think you did the right thing, bringing it all up, and it sounds like your T handled it beautifully. Good for you!

 

Re: I said it! The M and the L words...(really lon

Posted by B2chica on August 12, 2005, at 11:45:38

In reply to Re: I said it! The M and the L words...(really lon, posted by caraher on August 12, 2005, at 9:30:19

ditto what gg said.
that was wonderful that you could express AND discuss in a manner that isn't harmful to either one of you!
congrats on such a life improvement.
b2c.

 

Re: I said it! The M and the L words...(really lon daisym

Posted by crushedout on August 12, 2005, at 12:30:00

In reply to I said it! The M and the L words...(really long), posted by daisym on August 12, 2005, at 1:20:18

God, Daisy. Your posts make me cry, they are so moving. I can relate to them so well.

No, I don't think you will regret it. I think you had to, and I don't know what comes next, how you move through it, how you learn to tolerate the intolerable, but on some level I have faith that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that you will. I will. We all can if we have good therapists. But I don't know why I believe this. I just choose to, I guess.

I really can't cry right now. I'm at work. But the lump in my throat is huge and my eyes are brimming with tears. Crap.

 

Re: I said it! The M and the L words...(really long) daisym

Posted by orchid on August 12, 2005, at 13:31:10

In reply to I said it! The M and the L words...(really long), posted by daisym on August 12, 2005, at 1:20:18

That is amazing Daisy.

I am glad your therapist acknowledges your feelings and realizes how special it is for you.

Maybe expressing it freely, and being understood fully by the other person, might actually free you of the feelings quickly, and you might just learn to take with you the capacity to love.

 

Re: I said it! The M and the L words...(really long) daisym

Posted by LittleGirlLost on August 12, 2005, at 14:28:45

In reply to I said it! The M and the L words...(really long), posted by daisym on August 12, 2005, at 1:20:18

((((Daisy)))) I'm speechless, but wanted you to know how much I admire you and your work in therapy.

~lgl

 

Re: I said it! The M and the L words...(really long) daisym

Posted by rs on August 12, 2005, at 20:53:51

In reply to I said it! The M and the L words...(really long), posted by daisym on August 12, 2005, at 1:20:18

Hi Daisy.
I am so happy for you and great job.
Diasy I want you to know I read your post many times before my session today. I had a great session because I was honest about somethings. I want to say Thank You so much for sharing.
I hope your doing ok.
Gentle hugs if ok.

 

Courage

Posted by daisym on August 12, 2005, at 23:47:05

In reply to Re: I said it! The M and the L words...(really long), posted by happyflower on August 12, 2005, at 7:00:47

I appreciate all the support. I don't feel particularly brave, just sort of like I have to be honest to get anywhere. Aren't those the rules for therapy? I think so many of you are getting along so much faster and further than I am, it gets frustrating.

I had a phone check in today and asked again if what I told him was OK. He said yes, he was thinking again about how glad he is that I feel safe enough to tell him. Weird thing is, the intensity of my feeling has died down, but I feel calmer than I have for days. Perhaps I'm in that overwhelm space where everything shuts down. I even slept last night for 5 hours straight. It has been months since that has happened.

I'm glad if I've inspired anyone to be bring up something tough. I get a lot of inspiration here all the time, so it is good to give back.
Group hug!
Daisy

 

Re: Courage daisym

Posted by fallsfall on August 13, 2005, at 6:56:43

In reply to Courage, posted by daisym on August 12, 2005, at 23:47:05

>Weird thing is, the intensity of my feeling has died down, but I feel calmer than I have for days. Perhaps I'm in that overwhelm space where everything shuts down. I even slept last night for 5 hours straight. It has been months since that has happened.

Or, perhaps you are in that relieved space where you did something really hard and it turned out well. So you don't have to worry about it as much as you have been: it will be OK.

You've done very hard work this week.

Be proud of yourself.

 

Re: I said it! The M and the L words...(really lon

Posted by Dinah on August 14, 2005, at 13:35:27

In reply to I said it! The M and the L words...(really long), posted by daisym on August 12, 2005, at 1:20:18

I'm mid forties chronologically at least. And it sometimes frustrates me that I can't even concieve of these feelings. Not because I want to have them, especially, but because it feels like there is a part of human experience that is just beyond my ken.

 

Re: I said it! The M and the L words...(really lon Dinah

Posted by daisym on August 14, 2005, at 16:32:13

In reply to Re: I said it! The M and the L words...(really lon, posted by Dinah on August 14, 2005, at 13:35:27

I feel that way about sex -- I know I'm missing something, at least I think I am -- but I just don't get it. I don't even think I've ever had a, well, blush, you know...

*sigh* I sometimes think I'd be totally happy living alone with my books and my cats.


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