Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 537920

Shown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

For Pfinstegg - though you probably aren't readin

Posted by Daisym on August 5, 2005, at 15:36:52

I've been thinking about you a lot this week. I was rereading a couple of conversations we had at the end of last summer and I was struck by how intensely we were both working on the younger parts and pieces. And how I'm in the same darn place, it seems like. I was just wondering how you were and how your therapy was progressing.

And I wanted you to know that even now, rereading what you wrote last year, it still helps. I miss you and hope life is treating you well.

 

Thanks for thinking of me, Daisy!

Posted by Pfinstegg on August 9, 2005, at 12:40:16

In reply to For Pfinstegg - though you probably aren't readin, posted by Daisym on August 5, 2005, at 15:36:52

I appreciate it so much. The last year in therapy has been almost overwhelming at times. The younger parts are much more present, emotionally, which my T thinks is a very progressive development. But they are so frightened and alone that I (the grown-up) sort of lost my strong connection to my T- the thing that I had treasured and counted on. I even lost a sense of being connected to wonderful people here like you and Dinah. For a long time now, there's been very little "me", and a lot of "them". Sometimes, I would complain at how painful it was- that I wasn't used to bearing so much pain- and he would gently remind me
that this was not the first, but the second time- that I had endured it all once before- in childhood-, but had needed to put it away in unconscious parts of my mind.

I am trying now to allow their pain in, and to comfort them- also to allow it in in my sessions while "I" maintain my connection with him. The most difficult part, for me, is to find a way for the parts to be able to talk to him, and develop trust and a relationship with him. For me, it's easy and natural, but for them, so hard. I can't say things are too much better, yet. The main development is that I understand much better what I need to do in therapy. Doing it seems to be an enormous challenge.! I think an ego state disorder, or DID, is one of the most difficult things to have, because you keep gaining and losing your perspective and insight. I used to think that, once I understood something and truly felt it, it would be with me forever, and I could build on it in living my life. This isn't nearly as true as I had thought and hoped. But, to really get to the heart of what's wrong with us, I know I have to keep them in mind, and allow them to grow through interaction with my analyst.

Other things are somewhat better, though. My son will be having a lovely wedding to a wonderful girl in October, and I just finished running an enormous 100th year family reunion. So, there is a "me" who is managing to keep going through all of this.

Awfully hard, though, isn't it?

 

Re: Thanks for thinking of me, Daisy! Pfinstegg

Posted by littleone on August 9, 2005, at 15:53:10

In reply to Thanks for thinking of me, Daisy!, posted by Pfinstegg on August 9, 2005, at 12:40:16

Oh, I felt like doing a little happy dance when I saw your name here Pfinstegg. I have missed you and have been thinking of you.

Even just a week ago I was looking through some posts of yours and they were so helpful. They have so much heart in them if that makes sense. They touch me so deeply.

I'm sorry things have been difficult for you. I can't put my finger on it exactly, but I kind of sense from your post that you have made some important progress within yourself. I hope you can see that too.

I'm glad you're lurking a bit. It's nice to know you're still around.

 

Thank you, too, littleone!

Posted by Pfinstegg on August 9, 2005, at 22:18:50

In reply to Re: Thanks for thinking of me, Daisy! Pfinstegg, posted by littleone on August 9, 2005, at 15:53:10

That was so kind of you, and very encouraging and validating. I do think my analyst and I are making progress together, although it is almost excruciatingly slow! But we are trying to do something really hard- make the unconscious conscious and acceptable, and find a way to slowly heal it.

When I get discouraged (every day!), I think that not every therapist is willing to take on such a difficult task, and even though it sometimes feels like it's killing me, there is a little corner of my heart that knows I'm so lucky to have him, caring so much and working so hard to try to help me.

Would you tell us how things are going for you? And, thanks again!

 

Re: Thanks for thinking of me, Daisy! Pfinstegg

Posted by daisym on August 10, 2005, at 0:16:54

In reply to Thanks for thinking of me, Daisy!, posted by Pfinstegg on August 9, 2005, at 12:40:16

Stupid emotional reaction to seeing your name...blooming tears out of both eyes. I'm so glad you are doing OK...but I hear how hard it is. I'm still in parts and pieces myself and I still run from my therapist everytime I get close to him. He is steady as always. Though he did tell me that the intensity of this whole process is "scary for both of us."

Have you uncovered anymore memories? That can be so hard.

Thanks for dropping in. I do miss you.
Hugs
Daisy

 

Rediscovering the memories daisym

Posted by Pfinstegg on August 10, 2005, at 11:04:14

In reply to Re: Thanks for thinking of me, Daisy! Pfinstegg, posted by daisym on August 10, 2005, at 0:16:54

That was so lovely of you - to be glad to hear from me. it means so much, and is a counterbalance to the horrible memories of cold, sadistic treatment which are such a big part of my analysis now.

As to recovering memories- in general, i haven't uncovered any big new ones. The emotional memories of how it all felt are much, much stronger and more real, though. Through the art therapy, I think I am having new 'implicit" memories of sexual abuse. I try to go in there without any plans as to what to draw, and find, as I start, with scribbles, that I am almost invariably drawing pictures of detailed oral and vaginal abuse. My analyst says that it is more common than not for these kinds of memories to remain 'implicit'. They don't get over into the regular memory of "oh, right-this happened". I guess the therapeutic hope is that they will eventually. But for now, he feels it is very important for young pfinstegg to have the art as a way to express what she can't say. i feel sure that he is right, as I feel much better after drawing these things. It helps a lot that the art therapist is very kind and accepting- she becomes a sort of new, good mother, not the mother I could never tell anything to.

How about you? I'm under the impression that you do have a lot of horrible abuse memories, but that they are in your explicit memory, so that you can talk about then in detail- which I understand is really important in the healing process.

 

Re: Rediscovering the memories Pfinstegg

Posted by daisym on August 10, 2005, at 14:07:41

In reply to Rediscovering the memories daisym, posted by Pfinstegg on August 10, 2005, at 11:04:14

I think you are using art the way I use words. I put my fingers on the key board and just let go. It helps that I type so fast (90 wpm). Sometimes I'm surprised when I reread what I wrote. It's like I know, but I don't want to let myself know.

Yes, I have lots of explicit memories. I always have. But as we've explored these memories, the time and places change and what were one or two big things have become multiple events. And I keep getting younger, which is very hard to accept and integrate. One of the hardest parts for me is the memory stored in the body. So as I try to tell the stories, I feel stuff...and it is horried and embarrassing. And my therapist wants to hear it, witness it and help me take control of it. Verbalizing some of it is in a way conquering the fear of it. It gets so intense and painful when we touch on stuff sometimes though. So many of my sentences start with "Do you know?!" and of course he does. So I guess the anger is beginning to peek out.

Wrapped up and around all of this are my feelings about therapy and my therapist. The struggle between attachment of the younger parts and the wishes and longings of the adult parts are almost as painful as the memories. He keeps telling me 'vulnerable' isn't a bad word. I don't believe him yet.

I've managed a few times to get to a sweet spot of acceptance of his caring and commitment to this process. To sink into it, let myself need him without fear and guilt and to have contact every day. It is an amazing feeling that evokes such a tender grief of what I never had. It is fleeting but it keeps me hopeful that eventually I won't feel this anxious and torn up.

More often than not I think I'm doing it all wrong because it hurts so much. I want to quit every-other day or go in and talk about him, the weather, lunch, whatever. I wish I could control how old I'm going to feel during sessions. At least then I might be able to stay with something until it is finished. Do you have that trouble? I guess it is self-protection to move away from things and then back again.

Gee, this got long. Today is a hard day, so I'm writing a lot. I hope you aren't sorry you asked!
Hugs from me,
Daisy

 

Re: Rediscovering the memories daisym

Posted by Pfinstegg on August 10, 2005, at 14:40:57

In reply to Re: Rediscovering the memories Pfinstegg, posted by daisym on August 10, 2005, at 14:07:41

It sounds like he has made it possible for you to do your very best as a patient/client. Having adult feelings, then very young feelings, which may be very different, talking in more detail about the abuse, and remembering more times when it happened, feeling so safe and attached, and then like you want to quit- you are doing it all! i like Philip Bromberg's 'Standing in the Spaces"very much, as he writes very well about dissociation, which he thinks is universal, even in people who have not suffered abuse. He says the hope and goal of therapy is to feel like one while being many. Right now, that's not possible for me- and I guess not for you either- but if we keep on working away, perhaps we'll post that one day!

 

It's good to see you again. Pfinstegg

Posted by Dinah on August 10, 2005, at 16:12:42

In reply to Re: Rediscovering the memories daisym, posted by Pfinstegg on August 10, 2005, at 14:40:57

I missed you.

 

Re: It's good to see you again Dinah

Posted by Pfinstegg on August 10, 2005, at 16:31:55

In reply to It's good to see you again. Pfinstegg, posted by Dinah on August 10, 2005, at 16:12:42

i missed you too.

 

You give me such hope Pfinstegg (nm)

Posted by antigua on August 11, 2005, at 13:31:51

In reply to Re: It's good to see you again Dinah, posted by Pfinstegg on August 10, 2005, at 16:31:55

 

I'm so glad, Antigua

Posted by Pfinstegg on August 11, 2005, at 23:03:19

In reply to You give me such hope Pfinstegg (nm), posted by antigua on August 11, 2005, at 13:31:51

i know those of us with ego state disorders/dissociative states can really get better, but it doesn't happen quickly! We have to work awfully hard, and our wonderful therapists do too.


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