Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 536771

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I'm So Done!!! (trigger)

Posted by LadyBug on August 2, 2005, at 16:04:44

I just got home from my therapy session. I can't even explain what went wrong except the fact that I left in so much pain and sadness that I never want to go back!!!!!
I didn't schedule another appointment. I couldn't bring myself to that point. I dont care if I ever go back!!! I went out to my car and said to myself outloud, "**** You, **** Therapy, I'M DONE!!!"
I'm not going to call my T. and give her what she wants, that would be to come back and feel bad somemore, or add money to her pocketbook, or work it out as she says. I come away feeling like crap so much of the time I wonder how I ever say this has helped me!! I know she is a good person. But this therapy crap is for the birds sometimes. It has pulled on my heart strings to the point I can't do it anymore!! Help me out of my insanity!!! The little girl inside of me is falling apart. I thought I learned how to stay put together, but I've slipped back to point A.
Dang I wish I'd never started therapy or never met my therapist!! I'm so frustraed with the process and the dumb boundaries and the head games!! I'm sick of trying to analyze every breath I take!
I'm so done!!!
I've learned so much since finding this group a few months ago. I can relate to some of everthing you all write about. This has been awesome.
This process is so dang hard and where are the rewards?????? Right now, I don't think they're any to be had!! I could have gone through life without therapy and not had to dig into the sadness of what I didn't get as a child. I could have left it buried down there and functioned just fine. Therapy damage, I think I've been damaged!
I Hate Therapy! I hate what it's made me feel like!!! I can't stand the pain and sadness I feel. And no one understands exept maybe you guys and maybe my therapist and I'm dang sure not calling her!!!!
Sorry for being in such a crappy place! I don't like feeling negative! BUT I'M SO DONE!!!
LadyBug

 

Re: I'm So Done!!! (trigger) LadyBug

Posted by pinkeye on August 2, 2005, at 16:22:21

In reply to I'm So Done!!! (trigger), posted by LadyBug on August 2, 2005, at 16:04:44

I am sorry you are feeling so bad. Therapy can really be very difficult and tough at times, when it brings out lot of emotions hidden underneath.

Therapy does induce LOT of longing, deep sadness, and intense unhappiness.

I have felt many times that it is not worth it. Not worth the pain - not worth the longing, not worth the sadness and hurting.

But eventually, it almost always leaves you in a better position to understand yourself better. And I know your therapist is very good (from what you have said)

But honestly, for me, therapy by itself was not enough. It was not leading anywhere. When I combined meditation with therapy and some prayers, then only it helped. Otherwise, therapy was inducing all these intense feelings, and no way of getting them fulfilled in the real world. And it was only leaving me with so much of pain and unhappiness.


> I just got home from my therapy session. I can't even explain what went wrong except the fact that I left in so much pain and sadness that I never want to go back!!!!!
> I didn't schedule another appointment. I couldn't bring myself to that point. I dont care if I ever go back!!! I went out to my car and said to myself outloud, "**** You, **** Therapy, I'M DONE!!!"
> I'm not going to call my T. and give her what she wants, that would be to come back and feel bad somemore, or add money to her pocketbook, or work it out as she says. I come away feeling like crap so much of the time I wonder how I ever say this has helped me!! I know she is a good person. But this therapy crap is for the birds sometimes. It has pulled on my heart strings to the point I can't do it anymore!! Help me out of my insanity!!! The little girl inside of me is falling apart. I thought I learned how to stay put together, but I've slipped back to point A.
> Dang I wish I'd never started therapy or never met my therapist!! I'm so frustraed with the process and the dumb boundaries and the head games!! I'm sick of trying to analyze every breath I take!
> I'm so done!!!
> I've learned so much since finding this group a few months ago. I can relate to some of everthing you all write about. This has been awesome.
> This process is so dang hard and where are the rewards?????? Right now, I don't think they're any to be had!! I could have gone through life without therapy and not had to dig into the sadness of what I didn't get as a child. I could have left it buried down there and functioned just fine. Therapy damage, I think I've been damaged!
> I Hate Therapy! I hate what it's made me feel like!!! I can't stand the pain and sadness I feel. And no one understands exept maybe you guys and maybe my therapist and I'm dang sure not calling her!!!!
> Sorry for being in such a crappy place! I don't like feeling negative! BUT I'M SO DONE!!!
> LadyBug

 

Re: I'm So Done!!! (trigger) LadyBug

Posted by Shortelise on August 2, 2005, at 17:06:14

In reply to I'm So Done!!! (trigger), posted by LadyBug on August 2, 2005, at 16:04:44

Ladybug, I know what you mean. I've been there, too.
The thing I found helped the most was to do something physical, like run, or walk really fast - anything that helped rid my body of the anger.

((ladybug))

ShortE

 

Re: I'm So Done!!! (trigger) LadyBug

Posted by Poet on August 2, 2005, at 19:25:04

In reply to I'm So Done!!! (trigger), posted by LadyBug on August 2, 2005, at 16:04:44

Hi LadyBug,

I have little patience and therapy is so slow. It frustrates me and part of that is because I contribute to how slow it is by not talking about things I really need to. Things that I try so hard to bury come up again and again.

It's okay to take a break from therapy. Just remember that it's okay to go back if you need to.

I'm sorry you are feeling so frustrated. Safe cyber hugs ((((LadyBug))))

Poet

 

I hate therapy too! (nm)

Posted by antigua on August 2, 2005, at 20:12:49

In reply to Re: I'm So Done!!! (trigger) LadyBug, posted by Poet on August 2, 2005, at 19:25:04

 

Re: I'm So Done!!! (trigger) pinkeye

Posted by LadyBug on August 2, 2005, at 20:48:37

In reply to Re: I'm So Done!!! (trigger) LadyBug, posted by pinkeye on August 2, 2005, at 16:22:21

You are so right! I am so hurting! My pattern is to call her, try to work through it on the phone, feel like a loser and move on till next time it happens.
I'm bummed!
But thanks for your reply. This is so not how I want therapy to be.
If we just had a magic wand instead!!!
LadyBug

 

Re: I'm So Done!!! (trigger) Shortelise

Posted by LadyBug on August 2, 2005, at 20:50:47

In reply to Re: I'm So Done!!! (trigger) LadyBug, posted by Shortelise on August 2, 2005, at 17:06:14

I tried to hide my feelings from my daughter, but she knows me too well. She said, therapy makes you wierd! I'm afraid she's right. But I do agree with you that doing something to rid myself of the anger is the only way to go.
Thanks
LadyBug

 

Re: I'm So Done!!! (trigger) Poet

Posted by LadyBug on August 2, 2005, at 20:53:03

In reply to Re: I'm So Done!!! (trigger) LadyBug, posted by Poet on August 2, 2005, at 19:25:04

I suppose taking a break is probably a good idea right now. I just want to call her and say "I'm done!" But then I'd like to just make her wonder what I'm thinking!!! I know it's my job to call her. She won't call me. I hate this!!
Thanks Poet!!
LadyBug

 

Re: I hate therapy too! antigua

Posted by LadyBug on August 2, 2005, at 20:53:56

In reply to I hate therapy too! (nm), posted by antigua on August 2, 2005, at 20:12:49

I'm glad I'm not alone!!!

 

Re: I'm So Done!!! (trigger) LadyBug

Posted by AuntieMel on August 3, 2005, at 11:16:36

In reply to I'm So Done!!! (trigger), posted by LadyBug on August 2, 2005, at 16:04:44

"I could have gone through life without therapy and not had to dig into the sadness of what I didn't get as a child. I could have left it buried down there and functioned just fine. "

I did that for years, and I functioned just fine. But then I got to a breaking point where I lost all function.

For me at least that many years of burying was just a bandaid. Granted it was a bandaid I was moderately happy with and between it and a few beers every night I wasn't miserable.

Sometimes I think I should just chuck it and go back to the old me. But then I remember that I *did* have a breaking point and I don't want to go there again.

So I suffer through therapy. It's been a really long process because I don't trust easily. I'd just about rather have a limb amputated than talk about anything personal. Even now I can go for weeks and not bring up anything "deep."

But I am seeing progress. Slow progress, but progress just the same.

 

Re: I'm So Done!!! (trigger) AuntieMel

Posted by LadyBug on August 3, 2005, at 14:27:32

In reply to Re: I'm So Done!!! (trigger) LadyBug, posted by AuntieMel on August 3, 2005, at 11:16:36

I came apart too, that's why I started therapy in the first place. I had no coping skills!!
I don't know if I should call her and schedule one last appointment to say goodbye, or send her a note in the mail telling her I'm done, or just do nothing!!!!
Thanks for your reply and for the reminder of how hard this is and why I'm here.
I hate how I feel more than anything in my life!!!
LadyBug

 

Re: I'm So Done!!! (trigger) LadyBug

Posted by gardenergirl on August 3, 2005, at 21:18:59

In reply to Re: I'm So Done!!! (trigger) AuntieMel, posted by LadyBug on August 3, 2005, at 14:27:32

> I don't know if I should call her and schedule one last appointment to say goodbye, or send her a note in the mail telling her I'm done, or just do nothing!!!!

Hi LadyBug,
I haven't been following your therapy process, so I don't know what happened or has been happening to get you to this point. I can certainly tell you are angry and frustrated, though.

Speaking as a therapist trainee, I do hope you make an appointment for one last session, call, or at least write. I really appreciate feedback from clients when therapy ends about what their experience was like. I suppose it's due to being a trainee...I want to learn from each client. So having a final chance to talk about this is important to me. I always wonder what happened or what somebody was experiencing when they just stop coming. All I can do is speculate, and I'd rather hear it directly from the client.

And it might feel helpful to you to express some of your experience to your T. It can help with closure. It can also leave the door open if you ever decide you want to start therapy again with the same T.

> I hate how I feel more than anything in my life!!!

((((ladybug))))

gg

 

Re: I'm So Done!!! (trigger) gardenergirl

Posted by LadyBug on August 4, 2005, at 0:24:06

In reply to Re: I'm So Done!!! (trigger) LadyBug, posted by gardenergirl on August 3, 2005, at 21:18:59

Thanks gg
I am in such a painful place. My T. has been so good to me. I've been seeing her for over 8 years. I know we were talking about love yesterday and I turned it around to feeling hurt. I know I need to see her or at least talk to her. I wasn't planning on ending our work but when I left yesterday I felt as though I feel more pain than good when I leave my appointments. It's been this way since day one. I'm the failure. She has been wonderful to me. I can't seem to figure out what is going on inside of me that makes me feel anger and pain.
I'm so afraid to call and leave her a voice mail. I'm afraid to write to her, because she likes to talk face to face and not have me force things on her by mail. I'm so afraid of her being mad at me. I'm torn. I always felt I was too broken to fix. I believe this now more than ever. I've failed. I've grown a ton, I will give myself credit for that. I just can't seem to stay in a good place for too long.
Thanks for the reply and for your thoughts. I admire you and what you have to say.
LadyBug

 

Re: Pain - and processing it LadyBug

Posted by AuntieMel on August 4, 2005, at 11:46:04

In reply to Re: I'm So Done!!! (trigger) gardenergirl, posted by LadyBug on August 4, 2005, at 0:24:06

I found that burying the pain didn't make it go away. Hard as it is, I'm finding that facing up to things and actually feeling the pain and anger is helping to resolve them.

It sure hasn't gone away yet, and I doubt if it ever will. But I'm finding that I have a right to feel that way and valid reasons for anger - and just knowing that helps.

I'm also finding that I can be a little assertive now, which should go along way towards avoiding future pain.

It sounds like your therapy is helping you a lot, too. Maybe a little too much and it's hard to assimilate. Perhaps instead of quitting you should consider a vacation for a month or two?

 

Re: I'm So Done!!! (trigger) LadyBug

Posted by cricket on August 4, 2005, at 12:28:29

In reply to I'm So Done!!! (trigger), posted by LadyBug on August 2, 2005, at 16:04:44

Hi Ladybug,

You've gotten a lot of good advice.

Just to add to the chorus. It is hard, it is painful.

The rewards? Ask me on a different day and I might say that there are none.

But somehow or other, and it's usually after weeks and weeks of heart wrenching sessions where I do nothing but cry or sit in sullen silence, some tiny little shift seems to have occurred inside me. A little crack where I can glimpse the slightest shimmer of something authentic and real. It makes me feel different. More vulnerable and lonely. But also more alive and true to whatever is deep inside.

I know I'm talking abstractly and I'm not really making any sense. But have you ever had a glimpse like that, just enough to keep you going?

I hope so. I hope you reconsider. Maybe a bit of a vacation just to test the waters as others suggest?

 

Re: Pain - and processing it AuntieMel

Posted by LadyBug on August 4, 2005, at 13:52:39

In reply to Re: Pain - and processing it LadyBug, posted by AuntieMel on August 4, 2005, at 11:46:04

I know your thoughts are right on!!! Sometimes I need someone to point it out to me when I can't see it for the pain that is in the way.
Vacation? I think it sounds like a good choice right now.
Thanks
LadyBug

 

Re: I'm So Done!!! (trigger) cricket

Posted by LadyBug on August 4, 2005, at 13:56:18

In reply to Re: I'm So Done!!! (trigger) LadyBug, posted by cricket on August 4, 2005, at 12:28:29

I do understand what you mean. I've had a lot of those times when I feel I have had a break through. It does feel good and make me want to continue. I appreciate your reply. I know others have had good advice too. A vacation might be just what I need right now.
My next delimna is; do I call her and tell her? Or do I send her a note? Or do I do nothing and hope she calls me? I don't think she will call. She will leave that up to me!!!
Thanks
LadyBug

 

Re: I'm So Done!!! (trigger) LadyBug

Posted by AuntieMel on August 5, 2005, at 14:30:07

In reply to Re: I'm So Done!!! (trigger) cricket, posted by LadyBug on August 4, 2005, at 13:56:18

Call or send a note. Either one. Or call and make an appointment for a few weeks from now.

Two reasons not to *not* call - one is that she has helped and it doesn't seem fair. The other is the bad feeling you would probably get if she didn't call you - even if it was the theraputic thing to do.

 

Re: I'm So Done!!! (trigger) AuntieMel

Posted by LadyBug on August 5, 2005, at 19:41:12

In reply to Re: I'm So Done!!! (trigger) LadyBug, posted by AuntieMel on August 5, 2005, at 14:30:07

Thanks for helping me think past the anger and do the right thing. I think I will do one or the other this weekend.
Sounds like you've had some experience of where I'm at. Gosh sometimes are hard in therapy. This is one of those times.
Thanks and hugs
LadyBug

 

Re: I'm So Done!!! (trigger) LadyBug

Posted by Dinah on August 7, 2005, at 10:56:47

In reply to I'm So Done!!! (trigger), posted by LadyBug on August 2, 2005, at 16:04:44

Ladybug, this seems awfully sudden.

We've been talking about getting to that phase where termination is looming in the background.

But this seems sudden and intense.

Whenever I feel a sudden mood switch towards my therapist, I actually think it's a good time to stop and evaluate what's going on right now at this very moment. What hurt me and why.

Did she say something that hurt your feelings? If so, you really need to talk to her about that, not isolate.

Are you realizing that a natural termination is occurring after eight years, and you're angry as h*ll about it? That's something to talk about as well.

A vacation or quitting dissipates the feelings and they won't be there to talk about later.

Do you think you could feel around inside for sore spots and share what it was that led to such a sudden turnaround?

 

Re: I'm So Done!!! (trigger) Dinah

Posted by LadyBug on August 8, 2005, at 0:08:32

In reply to Re: I'm So Done!!! (trigger) LadyBug, posted by Dinah on August 7, 2005, at 10:56:47

I know you're right. I have been trying to figure out why I feel the way I do. I am angry at myself and I feel like I've failed the process. I make it hard on myself. I want to love her and I do, I just get fearful that she will reject my thoughts and ideas. I know I'm confused. She is supposed to call me from her home on tues. this week as she won't be in her office for our aapointment time. I really don't think I want to answer. I know this isn't about her it's me playing my childhood games. Come and show me you love me.....
We've been in such a good place the last little while I don't know what I did to screw things up. I made her 4 really cute bookmarks this week and gave them to her at my last appointment. I know gifts are not allowed, but sometimes if relates to our work we will talk about it and she will accept it. It wasn't something I went out and bought. They only cost a few bucks each. I was trying to express how much she means to me and that she'll always have a place in my heart.
Maybe I was feeling too close to her and it scared me??? I want to be able to see her outside her office. That is an illusion, because that can't happen. I'm just rambling hoping something will pop into my mind about what I'm feeling. I've been writing my my journal too. And reading my journal. I'll get it figured out soon I hope. The way I feel isn't fun at all.
Thanks for your thoughts Dinah. I know we are both in the natural termination phase. I don't ever want to say goodbye. And maybe that's my greatest fear.
LadyBug

 

Any more insights? LadyBug

Posted by Dinah on August 10, 2005, at 16:25:46

In reply to Re: I'm So Done!!! (trigger) Dinah, posted by LadyBug on August 8, 2005, at 0:08:32

Did her reaction to your bookmarks disappoint you?

I guess I'm extra lucky in that I have less than no desire to meet my therapist outside the therapy room. If I were to create my ideal friend, well, it wouldn't be him. I love him dearly, but I'm also more than familiar with his flaws and how little well they'd mesh with mine.

Did something in that session remind you of what you wanted that was more than what you could have? It just was a rather sudden turnaround. You have gotten along well lately.

 

Re: Any more insights? Dinah

Posted by LadyBug on August 11, 2005, at 0:38:55

In reply to Any more insights? LadyBug, posted by Dinah on August 10, 2005, at 16:25:46

I think she really liked the bookmarks. They were all different in color and style. She commented on how I'd taken my time to make sure they were done just right and the ribbon I used matched.
I think one of the things that got me started feeling bad was when she told me she had promised her mornings this week to her daughter-in-law that was due to have her baby last week. So that meant she did't have our usual time available.
At the end of our session I asked her how long she had been a therapist. I'd actually forgot the exact amount of years. I then asked her what was the longest she had been seeing a patient.....hoping she would say that it was me!!
She said, "I can't say that". She said, "why do you ask, you must be thinking of something". When she didn't say it was me, I thought I don't want her to think I had hopes it was me so I said, "Oh I just wanted to know if it was me because then I'd be the biggest loser because I'm still coming and I'm not all better!" (Even though that wasn't the truth.) I get mad when she won't tell me something like she acts like it has to be this big secret. Years ago, she gladly told me she had been seeing one other girl longer than me because I asked her back then too. So she either still see's that girl or I'm the longest patient. I guess I was wanting to feel special that day or something and it didn't happen!!!
I did call her yesterday and left her a message. She has tried to call me back 3 times and all 3 times I couldn't answer my call. She's been very understanding and knows I left last week feeling bummed and confused.
I've got a lot of financial pressure right now too and that interferes with my therapy. I feel like I can't afford to go and it frightens me.
I'm just a struggling mind!!! But this gives me an opportunity to think about things. Writing is a very good theraputic tool for me.
Thanks for asking Dinah. I hope to be back to a better place soon. Part of me wants to tell her, "I think it's time for me to stop coming to therapy because I think you've helped me all you can, the rest is up to me."
I wish I could be that strong, but I'd miss her!! She is the one thing I can count on to be there for me, I just wish I didn't have to have limits on how often I can see her.
I'm heading to bed, but before I do, I will listen to all the voice mail's she's left for me the past 2 days. That's a comfort to listen to. I need to call her and let her know when she can get a hold of me or when I can come in. She said she'd call me at night if it would work better for me. She's so willing to be there! I do love her for that.

LadyBug

PS sorry for rambling!!


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