Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 531728

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Re: thanx pinkeye!

Posted by Jadah on July 22, 2005, at 20:13:50

In reply to I am not the one to judge an affair with a T Jadah, posted by pinkeye on July 22, 2005, at 17:56:10

thanks pinkeye, and good to talk to you again. good news, my surgery though painful and long term recovery, so far seems to be a success. I will still have to continue on radiation for a few more months but at least I have my hair! I see my T tomorrow. I will continue talking about how we could end this all on a good note. I DO feel bad for his wife. I feel very guilty. There are no excuses, but I do know she doesnt treat him well (hence the affair). I love him so much. I still imagine us having a life together. Its just a fantasy. I will get through this even though it hurts. Oh, I so miss talking with everyone. I was so happy to see you! I hope all is well with you- how have you been? I'll keep checking in, for now, you take care.

 

Re: thanx pinkeye! Jadah

Posted by pinkeye on July 22, 2005, at 20:29:58

In reply to Re: thanx pinkeye!, posted by Jadah on July 22, 2005, at 20:13:50

I am happy to talk to you too!!... I am sorry to hear about the surgery and pain and the problems that you are going through.

Well, frankly, I don't care a bit about your affair with your T. If his wife is not giving him what he wants and needs and he is stuck in it for some reason beyond his control, and he gets some pleasure from you, and you get support and pleasure from him - then I am all for it. IT would have been a different story if he had a good wife. Then it would have been unacceptable. But if she is a jerk, and your T is stuck, then I really don't have that much of a problem.

That is my stance anyway, but I know others here will differ.

But I am more concerned about you, if he ever decides to leave you because of guilt or concerns about his wife. What would you do if he drops you abruptly? That is my real concern. As it is, you have cancer to deal with. On top of it, if he ever decides to stop, I worry if you will have the strength to take it. So atleast develop other support systems - babble, other friends, etc. So in the worst case, you don't get to collapse.

I am not doing so good - my ex T terminated with me, and I have not been able to recover from it..

> thanks pinkeye, and good to talk to you again. good news, my surgery though painful and long term recovery, so far seems to be a success. I will still have to continue on radiation for a few more months but at least I have my hair! I see my T tomorrow. I will continue talking about how we could end this all on a good note. I DO feel bad for his wife. I feel very guilty. There are no excuses, but I do know she doesnt treat him well (hence the affair). I love him so much. I still imagine us having a life together. Its just a fantasy. I will get through this even though it hurts. Oh, I so miss talking with everyone. I was so happy to see you! I hope all is well with you- how have you been? I'll keep checking in, for now, you take care.

 

Re: its been awhile-anyone there? Jadah

Posted by Jen Star on July 22, 2005, at 21:43:12

In reply to its been awhile-anyone there?, posted by Jadah on July 22, 2005, at 16:28:02

hi Jadah,
I'm so sorry you're suffering from cancer. I truly hope it goes into remission and that you are soon healthy. I hope you recover quickly from the surgery! (((jadah))))

I know I'm one of the people who in the past has not been supportive of the client/T relationship, but right now it sounds like he is good for you. In this time of sickness, he's giving you something to get excited about, to look forward to. He's someone to primp for and help you out. If that helps you feel well and stay well, or encourages you to recover faster, well, who am I to criticize it? :)

I hope you're well and that you continue to improve in health. Take care!
Keep posting. Welcome back. :)
JenStar

 

Nice to see you back, Jadah

Posted by gardenergirl on July 23, 2005, at 0:41:22

In reply to Re: thanx pinkeye! Jadah, posted by pinkeye on July 22, 2005, at 20:29:58

It sounds like you have been through a ton since you posted last.

I wish you health and happiness.

gg

 

Re: Nice to see you back, Jadah

Posted by spalding on July 23, 2005, at 1:19:17

In reply to Nice to see you back, Jadah, posted by gardenergirl on July 23, 2005, at 0:41:22

Jadah, I wish you good health and peace in this relationship. Take good care.

spalding.

 

Re: its been awhile-anyone there?

Posted by rabidreader on July 23, 2005, at 11:51:04

In reply to Re: its been awhile-anyone there? Jadah, posted by Jen Star on July 22, 2005, at 21:43:12

Jadah,

Reading your post was hard for me as I just found out my T, who I've been having intense romantic feelings for, is leaving the agency and the state to go back for his doctorate. I want to wish you luck, but am jealous. I wish my T and I could have had a relationship.

However, at the same time I'm a bit worried for you. You sound like you're handling it well, but what happens if he ends it? Will you be like me, a miserable wretch? Or will you just go full time to your boyfriend?

 

Re: Nice to see you back, Jadah

Posted by rabidreader on July 23, 2005, at 11:54:43

In reply to Re: Nice to see you back, Jadah, posted by spalding on July 23, 2005, at 1:19:17

Even though I'm jealous of your relationship with your T--I want mine so badly, and he's leaving--I wish you the very best. As well, I'm very glad your cancer surgery turned out well.

(((((jadah)))))

 

Can someone Re-Direct?

Posted by Susan47 on July 24, 2005, at 11:08:06

In reply to Re:follow up to its been. awhile, posted by Jadah on July 22, 2005, at 16:34:37

I don't know how to do it or I would, myself.
Jadah, can I be honest? Your relationship with your therapist sounds heartbreaking, and a bad thing for him and his marriage. I want to be able to respond and really talk about this, but you're never around long enough, and you don't want to really answer questions when I ask, because that's the only way I can really understand it, and I really want to, because just reading your post brought back memories of feelings I had for my therapist. And still would, if he allowed it. He's a smart man not to allow it. He refuses to have anything to do with me. Which is good. But heartbreaking, because I know he's kind, sensitive, and gentle. Exactly the type of man I can be with. But, married and not about to fool around with the likes of me.
It would be awesome to think he would want to. I can understand wanting to make love with your therapist. I can understand the entire thing about never really having each other, how that makes the relationship more heartbreaking but also more.. valued, filling it with a special aura it would not otherwise perhaps have.
I miss my therapist, but when I think that he just finds me a nuisance, my heart feels very heavy. So the acceptance it would give myself, of this man being able to make love to me, my physical body as well as my spiritual/emotional/mental self, would be supremely wonderful. Of course this therapist you're having an affair with, making love to you, would be affirming. But I can also feel your pain, the pain of never really having him, of knowing he has children with someone else, he has a life built around others ... that pain might not be worth it in the end for me, but it sounds like you're going to be fine. Having another relationship surely must help. I'm glad you have that relationship. What is that one like? You never speak of him, only your therapist....

 

Re: Nice to see you back, Jadah

Posted by rabidreader on July 25, 2005, at 16:05:08

In reply to Re: Nice to see you back, Jadah, posted by rabidreader on July 23, 2005, at 11:54:43

Susan47, you are right to be direct about this. I hope you will join in a dialogue about it, Jadah. There are so many of us, including yourself, who would benefit.

 

Re: sorry!

Posted by Jadah on July 27, 2005, at 20:06:38

In reply to Re: Nice to see you back, Jadah, posted by rabidreader on July 25, 2005, at 16:05:08

I know i am not consistant with you all. believe me it is not by choice. Alot of it has to do with me being sick. Many days its just hard to get out of bed to take care of my responsibilities. My pc crashed so i have to go to my p's house or the library. This may sound stupid, but I can NEVER find my way around this place. Cant find current threads or my messages...it gets frustrating. Any sugestions on how to use this forum?

 

Re for pinkeye

Posted by Jadah on July 27, 2005, at 20:11:23

In reply to Re: thanx pinkeye! Jadah, posted by pinkeye on July 22, 2005, at 20:29:58

I think I remember reading about your situation with your ex T. I am sooo sorry to hear that. Believe me, I know how scary and hurtful it is to lose someone you care about so much, especially when it was not you to make the decision to walk away. As you know that is my fear also. It feels horrible to not have any control over the relationship. It hurts to feel abandoned especially if you have issues with that in your past. If youre like me you think about him constantly and you ache to not be able to be a part of them. The thought of ending my relationship with my T... just the thought kills me. I think I would feel as if someone died. The grieving process is the same... anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and hopefully eventually along will come acceptance. That is the hardest and most painful part. Grieving takes a long time. Maybe you could write him a letter telling how you feel about what happened. Write the letter for YOU though, to get your feelings out. When your done, put it in an envelope and stick it in a drawer for a day or so. When you are not as upset, read it again then decide if you want to send it. Its not about how or if he responds. Its about you getting your feelings out and taking back some control. I so sympathize with you. I know my day is coming. Another thing, I had a therapist many years ago that i loved. Things ended ubruptly and I was devistated. I never thought I would find someone like him, BUT i did. My T now gave me more than anyone else ever did. Hopefully the next T you find will give you everything your x did and MORE. Take care of yourself- Ill talk to you soon! Thanks for the support!

 

Re: Can someone Re-Direct?

Posted by Jadah on July 27, 2005, at 20:27:14

In reply to Can someone Re-Direct?, posted by Susan47 on July 22, 2005, at 20:07:48

susan, im sorry you feel i dont answer your ?'s. I'll try if your patient enough to ask again. Not doing it on purpose. Yes, it is heart wrenching. I used to say that fantasies are always better than the real thing, but the longer I am with my T the more I disagree (with myself, hee, hee) My relationship is more than I could have ever imagined. It is so fullfiling. Everything that you all have talked about wanting... He has made me a new person. Shown me love in a way I never imagined even existed. Even the way he touches me, makes love to me... it is so safe, I really feel cared for and loved. He took everything that I once thought bad about men (b/c of my abuse issues) and made it "clean". It is b/c of what he has taught/shown me that I am even able to have a relationship with my boyfriend. Before rich, I was unable to sustain any kind of meaningful committment or touch. I do care about rich. It has only been 4months, a the longest healthy relationship Ive ever been in. My feelings for him are confusing. Although I care about him deeply, I cannot fully giive my heart to him b/c my T has it. My T has said the very same thing about his relationship with me and his wife. Like me, he loves us both. I do feel guilty about him having a wife. She treats him like dirt. He gets his needs met elsewhere. I give him what he gives me- we both get our needs met. He has talked about leaving her but he is concered about the kids. Neither of us has ever tried to justify what we are doing in light of the other people in our lives. I am scared, as we have talked about ending the affair and just being "friends". I dont think we could carry on as just "friends" that is why when we have the "this cant go on forever talk", I crumble. I cower with fear and wonder if I could make it without him- after all, he made me who I am (with my hard work too). I dont wish this pain and confusion on anyone. I have contacted another potential T to help me work through the detachment to him (he doesnt know this). My first step toward healing however, I fear not being able to be completely honest about my situation b/c I am afraid they will try to report him (even if I dont use his real name, Im afraid they will figure out who he is). I dont know if I answered any of your ?'s. Please ask and I will do my best. Good to hear from you.

 

Re: Re for pinkeye Jadah

Posted by pinkeye on July 27, 2005, at 20:34:46

In reply to Re for pinkeye, posted by Jadah on July 27, 2005, at 20:11:23

Thanks Jadah.

Actually I have done what you suggested, and I believe I have come over the problems. It took a lot of hard work and soul searching on my part, but I finally figured it out and got over it.

I hope when the time comes for you, it goes smoothly. The key is to do it very gradually.


> I think I remember reading about your situation with your ex T. I am sooo sorry to hear that. Believe me, I know how scary and hurtful it is to lose someone you care about so much, especially when it was not you to make the decision to walk away. As you know that is my fear also. It feels horrible to not have any control over the relationship. It hurts to feel abandoned especially if you have issues with that in your past. If youre like me you think about him constantly and you ache to not be able to be a part of them. The thought of ending my relationship with my T... just the thought kills me. I think I would feel as if someone died. The grieving process is the same... anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and hopefully eventually along will come acceptance. That is the hardest and most painful part. Grieving takes a long time. Maybe you could write him a letter telling how you feel about what happened. Write the letter for YOU though, to get your feelings out. When your done, put it in an envelope and stick it in a drawer for a day or so. When you are not as upset, read it again then decide if you want to send it. Its not about how or if he responds. Its about you getting your feelings out and taking back some control. I so sympathize with you. I know my day is coming. Another thing, I had a therapist many years ago that i loved. Things ended ubruptly and I was devistated. I never thought I would find someone like him, BUT i did. My T now gave me more than anyone else ever did. Hopefully the next T you find will give you everything your x did and MORE. Take care of yourself- Ill talk to you soon! Thanks for the support!

 

Re: Luv your T? Plz read!

Posted by Jadah on July 27, 2005, at 20:38:21

In reply to Re: Nice to see you back, Jadah, posted by rabidreader on July 23, 2005, at 11:54:43

I understand your wanting MORE from your T but trust me, along with the good comes the bad. You really see the humanness in them. Taking them off of the pedistal that you have thim on.... it can be disappointing to see their flaws, bad habits, their mood swings, their anger.... it really changes your view of them to realize that they are not perfect like you imagined. The more I learn about his personal life, the more I wish I wouldnt have asked. I kinda miss that "perfect" person, the one who could do no wrong. Sexually, he is everything I thought he would be. Personally.... what can I say... hes no different than anyone else I know thats human :0 I am facing much hurt. I dont regret anything but the pain, I think will be alot worse than if I had just stuck to my fantasies and always wondered and only ached to find out. Their are alot of negatives attached to this. One day, friends or not, I will lose him. I hope I dont lose myself in the process.

 

Re: still me...

Posted by Jadah on July 27, 2005, at 20:45:28

In reply to Re: sorry!, posted by Jadah on July 27, 2005, at 20:06:38

I really believe that I am still alive today b/c of my T. Its funny, in the beginning of our relationship I was actively suicidal. If it wasnt for our THERAPUTIC relationship- I would without a doubt be dead right now. Without our PERSONAL relationship, I couldnt have fought cancer, made it through my surgeries.... I would have given up. See the irony here? Its funny how when you are depressed suicide can often feel like the only way out, dying is the only thing you want to do BUT when you get seriously ill, you start to appreciate life and all you want to do is live... Cherish every moment.

 

I think your relationship with your T is God Sent. Jadah

Posted by pinkeye on July 27, 2005, at 20:54:32

In reply to Re: still me..., posted by Jadah on July 27, 2005, at 20:45:28

Hi Jadah,
After reading your posts, I really feel that your relationship with your T is worth every bit of it.. Don't care about ethics and society and what people would say etc.. Just go for it and have as much fun as possible when you still have time ok?

With your cancer, and other issues, I think it is Great that your T skipped his ethical responsibilites and made an exception with you.. AFter all, the final judgement should be based on life's values, rather than ethics and morality right???

So I am all in support of you - Go for it. But brace yourself in case it ends.. Develop other support systems and develop more self fulfilling things.


> I really believe that I am still alive today b/c of my T. Its funny, in the beginning of our relationship I was actively suicidal. If it wasnt for our THERAPUTIC relationship- I would without a doubt be dead right now. Without our PERSONAL relationship, I couldnt have fought cancer, made it through my surgeries.... I would have given up. See the irony here? Its funny how when you are depressed suicide can often feel like the only way out, dying is the only thing you want to do BUT when you get seriously ill, you start to appreciate life and all you want to do is live... Cherish every moment.

 

Re: Can someone Re-Direct? Jadah

Posted by Susan47 on July 27, 2005, at 23:54:59

In reply to Re: Can someone Re-Direct?, posted by Jadah on July 27, 2005, at 20:27:14

I think, if your therapist had real courage, intelligence, and concern for himself, his wife, and you, he'd agree to go into therapy with you. To resolve the whole thing. But it would take an exceptional person to be able to do that, after messing things up so badly for everybody. Can you see how the two of you in therapy together would be a good thing? Therapy is supposed to be confidential, and he'd be getting help, and I'm wondering if he is telling you the whole truth, because certainly he knows his career is on the line, here. If he doesn't support you now, he must realize that an angry woman can make a formidable opponent. I'm sorry, I just can't seem to get my mind around this. It's a huge mess, and I feel badly for you. I have a hard time believing his wife treats him as badly as he indicates; if he's a therapist, why isn't he getting therapy for himself and his wife to resolve it? If he loves her, how can he do this to her? If he does this to her, isn't it possible he could do it to you as well? How balanced is this man? He doesn't seem particularly good therapist material if he can let himself get this messed up, without going for help. Doesn't he believe in therapy?

 

Re: Susan

Posted by Jadah on July 28, 2005, at 18:27:50

In reply to Re: Can someone Re-Direct? Jadah, posted by Susan47 on July 27, 2005, at 23:54:59

I appreciate your opinion. My view, as you know is quite different. My T's wife is also a therapist. Sometimes people are better at fixing other peoples lives than they are their own. At this point in our relationship, I do not feel that I can go back to "therapy" with him. I also do not feel that I need it at this time. He is there to listen to me as a friend, I talk to him when I need to. The only reason I am seeking a T now is just to help me detach from him and process my feelings of loss once this ends. I am curious though.... when I first wrote about my situation last year... your view was different, in fact you were behind me 100%. What has changed? He has been a savior for me. Forget ethics for a minute, put his occupation aside... hes just a man, hes human, he has feelings.... so do I. We just met under different circumstances. Had I met him differently, It would be like any other relationship. I realize he is married. It happens, right or wrong. You dont know him like I do. He doesnt just tell me things so that I wont ruin him. I wish you could know him so you could see... I hope someday you meet someone that could do for you what he has done for me (someone other than your T), maybe you have. I just dont understand your shift in opinion, but it is your right, and I appreciate it.

 

Re: Re for pinkeye

Posted by Jadah on July 28, 2005, at 18:34:11

In reply to Re: Re for pinkeye Jadah, posted by pinkeye on July 27, 2005, at 20:34:46

thank you sooooo much for your support pinkeye! I really feel connected to you. I am glad to hear that you are handling your situation with your ex-T well. You seem to be a very strong person. I certainly understand how you felt. I hope I can detach and hold up as well as you. You are right though, it does have to be a gradual thing, when you are ready. That is why I am taking steps now. Have you found another T? What are/were you looking for in that person? Is it hard starting all over? Safety and trust issues... I am just so proud of you. Keep up the good work and plz keep me updated on how you are doing... with everything not just therapy!

 

Thanks.. But be very very careful.. Jadah

Posted by pinkeye on July 28, 2005, at 18:42:44

In reply to Re: Re for pinkeye, posted by Jadah on July 28, 2005, at 18:34:11

Thanks for your words.
I am not a strong person.. I had a terrible time these past few months.. and with support of a new T, and with babblers support I got over it (I hope I have).

The key is to develop full self acceptance and self approval..

I hope you can find some new T to talk about it.. maybe you need not mention it as a situation wiht a T - maybe you can say a pastor or just a married man..

But please be extremely cautious.. Don't take my words for more than it is worth !!.. I am just supporting it because of your cancer.. Please don't take it for more than what it is worth.

When and if it ends, it is perhaps going to be nothing but a full blown devastation on you.. I hope you can adequately prepare yourself before it happens, and that you can do it gradually..

It is more about your health and wellness than it is about ethics for me. But that is my personal opinion.

 

Re: Luv your T? Plz read! Jadah

Posted by happyflower on July 28, 2005, at 20:35:53

In reply to Re: Luv your T? Plz read!, posted by Jadah on July 27, 2005, at 20:38:21

Hi Judah!
I would like to talk to you privately, can you babble me? Thanks!

 

Re: Susan

Posted by Susan47 on July 28, 2005, at 23:47:16

In reply to Re: Susan, posted by Jadah on July 28, 2005, at 18:27:50

I don't believe my opinion has changed any, really, because I've always thought what he's doing isn't right, but I also understand why you're doing what you are, because that's what I wanted so much. Still do. I was lapping up every detail of what you wrote, because I was in fantasy-land. I encouraged you to tell, because it helped me believe it might be possible, it made me feel euphoric .. but that doesn't mean I thought it was ever right. I know it sounds strange. But what's right isn't always what's in my heart, either. I would still love to have a fling with my ex-T. And in fact if he ever indicated he would see me, I'd fly at the chance, even just to be a "friend".. which would also most likely be the wrong thing to do. Your T's wife being a therapist does put a different spin on it. My goodness, maybe she doesn't believe in therapy either :] ...

 

Jadah...

Posted by Susan47 on July 29, 2005, at 20:04:22

In reply to Re: Susan, posted by Susan47 on July 28, 2005, at 23:47:16

...dealing with cancer as well, and your surgeries, in your life you need major support. I hope you have more than the T for that, it's good you have a boyfriend as well. And I hope also that you have friends you talk to about everything, who are supportive and not judgmental, although I realize that sometimes it is hard to tell the difference. I'm not judging you either, but there's a fine line between being supportive of a person and supportive of what they're doing when you think it might be destructive for them. The only person who can really judge that is yourself, and you do say it over and over again, that it's coming, the pain will be bad. Maybe if you have a lot of supports in place it won't be as bad as you think. It doesn't matter what you do, really, in the end, if you fall in love with your therapist, it hurts. I think something like two percent of therapist/client relationships ever end in a lasting relationship (marriage). The odds aren't in anybody's favour, unless you go in knowing the outcome, and I mean who ever does? Most people just do what they have to do at the time, and if this guy helped you survive your cancer and your traumas, then that is obviously what you had to do. And we will be here to support you. I don't think anybody here wishes any ill on you at all. You're a person coping the best you can, just like anybody else. I also reiterate that I would have done the same thing you did. No doubt in my mind. And maybe if I had it would NOT have hurt so much, because I would have a good solid memory of something real to take into the future, not this deadly feeling of pain and rejection!

 

Re: Susan

Posted by Jadah on August 3, 2005, at 16:32:38

In reply to Jadah..., posted by Susan47 on July 29, 2005, at 20:04:22

Thank you soooo much for your honesty. I really do enjoy talking with you. You were one of my very first respondants when I first came here, you made me feel comfortable and safe, as did others, and thats why I keep coming back. Take good care

 

Re: saw a new T today

Posted by Jadah on August 3, 2005, at 16:44:40

In reply to Re: Susan, posted by Jadah on August 3, 2005, at 16:32:38

well, i did it. I made and followed through with an appointment with a new T. It is a women, ive never worked with a woman before (mom issues). I usually always sought out men to fullfill my father figure issues. I felt like I was betraying my t. He doesnt know about my appt. She was nice but I was so nervous and she talks alot, over me sometimes and I feel rushed to get my sentences out. I do not know if this will be a good fit but my rule of thumb is to go for three sessions before judging or making a decision. I told her everything after carefully probing her to find out how safe and secure everything would be. She promised that she would not tell, we agreed to change his name. It felt good just to get it off my chest to get rid of this secret. Obviously she doesnt agree with the situation but she is open to hearing it and helping me. I felt kind of defensive for him, reassuring her all the time that he wasnt just out for sex and that he does indeed love me, hes not a bad person.... it was so hard and confusing. I felt embarrassed. I felt like a backstabber. She knows that, if i had things my way that I would not leave him but that against my wishes it will inevitably end. Thats why I told her I was there, to make sure I have a solid foundation that I will be able to stand on my own two feet without him. Any suggestions or input as to how you think this T will work out? I know I will never be able to replace him, no T will ever be able to give me the love and support I need. Its really hard to compromise when youve been to the other end of the spectrum.


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