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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by mair on June 12, 2005, at 22:06:03
I think I might finally be coming out of a severe depressive episode that seemed like it was going to be permanent. There have been so many extra therapy sessions and much more contact with my pdoc than usual. I've been through alot of largely unsuccessful drug combos, until I finally capitulated and went back on a drug I took myself off last fall, because I hated it so much. After what seems like days of waking up at around 3:30 and never getting back to sleep, I've come to a deeper appreciation of the restorative powers of sleep and of the danger to me of a lack of sleep. Last week I had the first session in a long time where my T and I discussed matters other than how I was coping or not coping on a daily basis and how much I thought or avoided thinking about killing myself. So non-substantive.
In the meantime it's been torture to try to get any work done - everything seemed to take much longer - longer before I could even decide what task I should tackle next - having made that decision, longer to begin - and definitely longer to finish it. Now that I'm a little more "with it" I'm pretty horrified to see how far behind I am.
It's been comforting to check in here occasionally although I couldn't bring myself to post. I know others have experienced the guilt of feeling like you only take from here and don't give. It's really like that for me when I'm depressed. I also feel so disconnected. I decided somewhere along the way that the extra sessions with my T were important just so I didn't totally lose my connection to her.
I'm sorry I missed out on Chicago - maybe next year.
mair
ps: Supply here the sound of "knocking on wood" when I say I'm coming out of this episode. It's hard to feel confident about anything.
Posted by JenStar on June 12, 2005, at 22:21:34
In reply to emerging from the shadows, posted by mair on June 12, 2005, at 22:06:03
welcome back, and I'm so glad to hear that you're doing better! :) Great news. Don't worry, you'll catch up with everything. It's good to hear that you're feeling well.
JenStar
Posted by fallsfall on June 12, 2005, at 22:34:24
In reply to emerging from the shadows, posted by mair on June 12, 2005, at 22:06:03
When you are ready for a little recreation, let me know. It is ice cream season.
Posted by Dinah on June 12, 2005, at 22:42:29
In reply to emerging from the shadows, posted by mair on June 12, 2005, at 22:06:03
Knock knock.
I'm so happy to hear you're feeling better. It is *so* hard to remember that it is possible to feel better when the horrible feelings and thoughts are at their worst. I always tell myself I'll make a tape or something to remind me. I know those first few steps are shaky and tentative, but... Well I'm so glad you're finding your way out.
Ugh, work. Once I get behind, I lose even more motivation in a morass of avoidance, and metaphorically hiding under my desk to keep from taking calls. I'd advise against that. :) It's kept me behind all these months after the worst.
Can you avoid looking at the big picture, and break it down into smaller prioritized steps? The big picture is too much to try to take in at once.
Posted by Jazzed on June 12, 2005, at 22:58:53
In reply to emerging from the shadows, posted by mair on June 12, 2005, at 22:06:03
Posted by daisym on June 13, 2005, at 0:17:31
In reply to Re: emerging from the shadows » mair, posted by Dinah on June 12, 2005, at 22:42:29
I whacked a piece of redwood just for you.
I'm sorry you've had such a rough time. It is so hard to believe that things can ever get better when they seem so dark. I'm glad you are beginning to see the light of day again.
Never, ever feel bad for taking and not giving. It is an ebb and flow. I certainly have benefitted from your posts in the past. It is just "your turn" but I'm sorry that it is.
I hope everything keeps going in the right direction for you.
((((Mair))))
Posted by partlycloudy on June 13, 2005, at 13:54:24
In reply to emerging from the shadows, posted by mair on June 12, 2005, at 22:06:03
It's good to see you back. I know what you mean about the increased need for sleep - it's been really restorative for me, too. And meds - well, don't get me started. I'm off on another adventure there, too.
So good to see you come out on the other side of the darkness, mair.
pc
Posted by Poet on June 13, 2005, at 21:11:14
In reply to emerging from the shadows, posted by mair on June 12, 2005, at 22:06:03
Hi Mair,
I just knocked hard on wood. I hope the meds keep working and the shadows keep growing smaller until they disappear.
(((((Mair)))))
Knocking hard again.
Poet
Posted by gardenergirl on June 15, 2005, at 11:44:40
In reply to Re: emerging from the shadows » mair, posted by Poet on June 13, 2005, at 21:11:14
Mair,
I'm glad you are coming out of the depressive episode at last. I just had a discussion with my T today about how painful and difficult it is to have recurrent depression. It can make it hard to enjoy the non-depressed times.Here's hoping you stay up for a good long while.
gg
Posted by Aphrodite on June 15, 2005, at 13:51:29
In reply to emerging from the shadows, posted by mair on June 12, 2005, at 22:06:03
It's no wonder they use sleep deprivation as a form of torture. I really could relate to how lack of sleep can horribly impact the ability to see things clearly or have the energy to work your way out of a depressive episode.
It sounds like it was a long road, but I'm glad you kept in close contact with your T through it all. I think we need them to carry the hope for us when, like you said, you think it will never end.
I know you must feel precarious and shaky now, but I hope your respite is a long one.
Posted by happyflower on June 15, 2005, at 17:17:07
In reply to emerging from the shadows, posted by mair on June 12, 2005, at 22:06:03
I am glad you are feeling better. Keep up the good work with your therapy! :)
This is the end of the thread.
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