Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 507378

Shown: posts 30 to 54 of 62. Go back in thread:

 

And I am angry Ľ pinkeye

Posted by pinkeye on June 5, 2005, at 13:33:36

In reply to Re: Trying to make peace and let go, posted by pinkeye on June 5, 2005, at 13:02:20

I am very angry at my ex T today - want to call him names.. how he could so cruelly terminate. That is the worst nightmare. Nobody has ever done that to me... I want to tell him he has been so very cruel to me, he has been a jerk. And I am so angry. I don't think I am going to trust anyone anymore in my life.. not any guy.

But I also know he was not responsibel.. That I feel bad becuase of my transference..

 

Bodies and Relationships, Past Lives Ľ pinkeye

Posted by Susan47 on June 5, 2005, at 13:39:50

In reply to Re: Trying to make peace and let go Ľ Susan47, posted by pinkeye on June 5, 2005, at 12:16:51

Sometimes I meet someone and although I've never met them before, it's like I "recognize" them. And they feel right. Their bodies, their personalities, their entire being, just makes mine resonate with some strange knowledge.
It's funny, you know, I don't believe in god in any way, shape or form, but somehow I have trouble explaining this resonance with another in any other way but attribution to the existence of something called soul or spirit, I don't know...

 

Re: Trying to make peace and let go

Posted by Susan47 on June 5, 2005, at 13:46:17

In reply to Re: Trying to make peace and let go Ľ Susan47, posted by pinkeye on June 5, 2005, at 12:22:00

Yes, I know.. never felt I had anything real to offer anybody, but now I know I minimized myself because of the fear my ideas, expressions, mannerisms, were all too big. That doesn't matter so much, anymore. I try not to think too much about my face, my body.. it's all a letdown, really .. it's the soul that animates.
I don't remember if it was the Coroner at the time or someone from the police or ambulance, but statement was that Marilyn Monroe looked nothing at all like "herself" when they picked up the body. The physical beauty of the body, not just the face, had been transformed by her spirit. And that's true all the way through life, some people are just lucky to have it physically.. but I think maybe they have to work a bit harder to have it spiritually as well, that beauty, the inner beauty of humility at the awesome power of your intellect and your spirit. hmh.

 

Re: Trying to make peace and let go Ľ Susan47

Posted by pinkeye on June 5, 2005, at 14:10:22

In reply to Re: Trying to make peace and let go, posted by Susan47 on June 5, 2005, at 13:46:17

You know what I think Susan - the problem with you is that you have a very highly capable brain. And you think too much or rather ruminate (think about the same thing again and again and trying to figure out). I think you are lured into this kind of rumination becuase of the glimpses that you get when you do it. There are sometimes powerful connections you discover, and powerful insights you discover, and I think you are extremely attracted to these discoveries, so you keep doing the same thing again and again. You have almost developed it as an hobby now. And you spend all your time thinking like this and ruminating and pleasing yourself with your discoveries. But you probably also wonder why you are not happy and why you are not able to put it all together and make a meaningful and happy life inspite of knowing so much.

And I think sometimes, you are afraid of your own power and knowledge - and you think people won't be able to understand you, that you always know more than others. That nobody has the depth and complexity of mind to be able to understand you. And I think you think you have to figure it out all for yourself and discover the ultimate truth which will lead you to happiness.

I think there are lots of wrongs in your assumptions and that is why you end up going nowhere.

1. By thinking again and again and discovering these glimpses of connections and underlying truths, you will be able to understand life and make a most meaningful life out of it.
---That is not true. Nobody ends up being happy just because of their power to understand things and people and relationships and connections between things. So try to focus on other things, instead of this whirlwind and roller coaster ride of mental animation and ride thorugh the gallaxies (so to speak)

2. Thinking that nobody is capable of undersatnding you. I believe you believe that very deeply about yourself. That nobody can navigate through the web you have woven and understand what is inside you.
----That is not true. You might be surprised at how much people are capable of understanding us. One person may not understand all of you, but you can get understanding from lots of different people, little bit here and there. Everybody understands one face of us.

3. And somehow you think you are not beautiful because of all your understanding and seeing things which other people don't see.
---That is also not true. Other people have as much insight into things as you do, and people understand things far more than you imagine they do. So you are not alone. A proof would be to surf the web and read many people's blogs. You will discover universal amount of insight and knowledge in people. And I think you need to accept that you are powerful, and that you are capable of undersatnding stuff, and that you have to somehow find a way to direct your energies in the right path. Without that focus and direction, any amount of energy and intelligence and knowledge will be misguiding, and no matter how much you understand things, ultimately, you won't be able to put them to good use.

For me, the direction and focus comes from two - three sources. One - God. Two - other good people around me. Three - a desire and commitemnt to be good irrepsecitve of anything that may happen in my life and what others do to me. This commitment is partially selfish - becuase I believe in after life, I want to have a good life in my next birth. So irrespecitve of what others do to me, or how much I suffer, I always have that commitment to be somehow good and see the good things in life. I fail manytimes, but I end up picking up myself and getting to the correct path again.

It might be a long stupid post, but I think if you think about it, you might gain some insights which will steer yourself in the right direction.

And I honestly think, without some form of spirituality, your energy is going to mislead you. It is ok for dumb people to not be spiritual - they don't have too much energy and it won't cause them any harm. But not for you. You have lots of energy and without that spirituality, it is like a 10000 Horsepower motor running empty and directionless.

 

Susan - read the above post. That was for you. (nm) Ľ pinkeye

Posted by pinkeye on June 5, 2005, at 14:14:39

In reply to Re: Trying to make peace and let go Ľ Susan47, posted by pinkeye on June 5, 2005, at 14:10:22

 

And I have slipped into depression Ľ pinkeye

Posted by pinkeye on June 5, 2005, at 14:53:23

In reply to And I am angry Ľ pinkeye, posted by pinkeye on June 5, 2005, at 13:33:36

Or on the verge of it :-( I think I need an antidepressant.

I am just having all these crying spells causelessly, fears, terrors, anxiety, jealousy of others. And rumination increasing.

I need to really change my pattern of thinking. The way I think about things. I don't understand what is wrong with me. My new T says my rumination is the problem. And she says maybe I need to be on anti depressants life long becuase the rumination is so strong and it is leading me to depression again and again. Or she says that I really need to work on changing my pattern of thinking. Stuck :-(.

 

Re: Trying to make peace and let go Ľ Tamar

Posted by pinkeye on June 5, 2005, at 16:38:28

In reply to Re: Trying to make peace and let go Ľ pinkeye, posted by Tamar on June 4, 2005, at 14:46:13

Perhaps the reason why I feel so strongly is because I haven't had much sexual experience with people. I haven't slept with anyone other than my husband, so I guess that maybe part of the reason why I took it at a much higher level than you guys do.

 

Re: And I am angry

Posted by Susan47 on June 5, 2005, at 22:29:15

In reply to And I am angry Ľ pinkeye, posted by pinkeye on June 5, 2005, at 13:33:36

Well, in my case I think I had a right and a reason to be angry. A T should know how to handle a termination without causing his client more grief, pain, and insecurity. I know you're going to turn this around again, and make it your fault .. but I don't know about that ...

 

Re: Trying to make peace and let go

Posted by Susan47 on June 5, 2005, at 22:31:09

In reply to Re: Trying to make peace and let go Ľ Susan47, posted by pinkeye on June 5, 2005, at 14:10:22

Well, in actuality, my life has more meaning and happiness in it now than I ever had thought possible. But I do want more of it, I know I have a ways to go. Maybe I just have to relax a bit more ...

 

Re: Trying to make peace and let go

Posted by Susan47 on June 5, 2005, at 22:37:02

In reply to Re: Trying to make peace and let go Ľ Susan47, posted by pinkeye on June 5, 2005, at 14:10:22

No, I don't believe you're on target with a lot of what you post, but I do concede that I've spent a lot of time in introspection. But I LOVE making connections .. you don't understand how many years I spent feeling like a complete idiot, like a dummy, everyone knew stuff I didn't, and you know what? I Have to tell you this, Pinkeye, because it's true .. I was so damn depressed and incapable of living a real life that so much went over my head, it's incredible. So what you're actually experiencing from me is an awakening.
I don't know if you understand that.
I've always been a loner. My whole life.
Now I'm finally not afraid of people, anymore.
It's wonderful.
I will be introspective, I will make any connections I want to make. For as long as I want to do that. When I feel the need to go elsewhere, I read books. I don't enjoy surfing the web, I really don't. But I do a lot of reading, and I love that people are so similar, and I definitely don't think everyone's shallow, or people don't understand. Yes, we understand each other in small slices, which is what makes everyone so fascinating.

 

Re: Trying to make peace and let go Ľ Susan47

Posted by pinkeye on June 6, 2005, at 13:08:28

In reply to Re: Trying to make peace and let go, posted by Susan47 on June 5, 2005, at 22:37:02

ok. I didn't believe I understood you fully either. I thought you end up introspecting a lot and thought of some reasons why you are probably doing that and why some of us haven't been able to reach to you.
But ultimately you know better about yourself than anyone ever could. I am sure you will find a way to work through your issues and emerge to be happy.
Maybe you can strike a balance between introspecting and doing other positive active things.

 

Re: And I am angry Ľ Susan47

Posted by pinkeye on June 6, 2005, at 13:18:16

In reply to Re: And I am angry, posted by Susan47 on June 5, 2005, at 22:29:15

Thanks Susan. I shall not try to turn the tables around and make it my fault hereafter. I think it is the circumstances.. :-) (emails, long distance, different culture and expectations etc)

 

Re: Trying to make peace and let go

Posted by Susan47 on June 6, 2005, at 15:00:01

In reply to Re: Trying to make peace and let go Ľ Susan47, posted by pinkeye on June 6, 2005, at 13:08:28

I do a lot of positive acting things. Maybe not enough, though. Not enough. Definitely. Because I do feel better, when I'm with people. And I have a job, starting soon .. hopefully this week .. but my confidence isn't always where I want it to be, you know. Are you a confident person?

 

Good. It Isn't Your Fault. Ľ pinkeye

Posted by Susan47 on June 6, 2005, at 15:01:43

In reply to Re: And I am angry Ľ Susan47, posted by pinkeye on June 6, 2005, at 13:18:16

And if you can't let it go, though you know it makes "no sense" to keep "going over" it .. well that in itself is telling you, and it told me too, that there's stuff that needs to be worked out.

 

Re: Trying to make peace and let go Ľ pinkeye

Posted by Tamar on June 6, 2005, at 15:08:55

In reply to Re: Trying to make peace and let go Ľ Tamar, posted by pinkeye on June 5, 2005, at 11:54:44

> Thanks Tamar. I like your posts. You have a very nice way. It is interesting to read different personalities thrugh their style of writing. I get a feel for their real personalities just by the style of posts.

I like your posts too! I really like your honesty. You put a lots of yourself into your posts, and I really appreciate it.

> I think you are a very sensual, very intune with your emotions (especially sexual emotions), and have a somewhat matter of fact viewing of life. Little happy go lucky kind of person. Aren't you?


I think youíre pretty much on target about my personality. Being in touch with my emotions is a fairly recent thing; when I was depressed I didnít feel much emotion. And Iím quite interested in sex because Iíve been having sexual problems for about twenty years! Iím only just starting to understand my own sexuality. The thing that probably doesnít come across so much online is that I can get quite grumpy about certain things (mainly about religious prejudice and things like that). If Dr Bobís civility guidelines applied in the real world Iíd probably get blocked from my life for a year! So on Babble I try keep away from things that will make me grumpy.

Iím less good at describing personalitiesÖ but I do tend to have a Ďfeelí for people here. When I think of you, I get the impression you can be quite serious a lot of the time, and youíre very caring. I know youíre not a mother yet, but I imagine you being a really great mom when the time comes. And I think youíre a very dedicated and committed person. Does that sound about right?

Tamar


 

Re: Trying to make peace and let go Ľ pinkeye

Posted by Tamar on June 6, 2005, at 15:18:35

In reply to Re: Trying to make peace and let go Ľ Tamar, posted by pinkeye on June 5, 2005, at 16:38:28

> Perhaps the reason why I feel so strongly is because I haven't had much sexual experience with people. I haven't slept with anyone other than my husband, so I guess that maybe part of the reason why I took it at a much higher level than you guys do.

I can imagine that differences in background would mean differences in the experience of transference. So maybe it's true that I'd be more likely to feel it like any other potential partner (and I've had more than average), whereas maybe people who haven't had so many partners might feel like it's more of a soul-mate kind of thing.

I think there are some other people on the board who have had fewer than the average number of sexual partners, and maybe they can identify with you. (Is that a reasonable way to describe numbers of partners without making people feel uncomfortable? In terms of averages? I don't want to characterise anyone as 'madonna' or 'wh*re'...)

 

Re: Trying to make peace and let go Ľ Susan47

Posted by pinkeye on June 6, 2005, at 15:34:47

In reply to Re: Trying to make peace and let go, posted by Susan47 on June 6, 2005, at 15:00:01

Good that you are starting a job. Hope things go well for you.
I don't know if I am a confident person or not. I can be both. Sometimes I act with extreme confidence, sometimes I chicken out very badly.

I am beginning to think more and more that the problem with me is that I have both the extremes in my personality. I can be very wise and very stupid at the same time. Very confident and at the same time even afraid to go to the next room in my apartment in darkness. So I really don't know.

 

Re: Good. It Isn't Your Fault. Ľ Susan47

Posted by pinkeye on June 6, 2005, at 15:35:38

In reply to Good. It Isn't Your Fault. Ľ pinkeye, posted by Susan47 on June 6, 2005, at 15:01:43

Yeah. there still is stuff that needs to be worked out. But I am thinking that maybe I am doing it too mcuh. I am focussing too much in it, whereas I should try to leave it little bit and revisit periodically.

 

Re: Trying to make peace and let go Ľ Tamar

Posted by pinkeye on June 6, 2005, at 15:42:22

In reply to Re: Trying to make peace and let go Ľ pinkeye, posted by Tamar on June 6, 2005, at 15:08:55

Thanks Tamar. I try to be very honest. For a long time in my life, I was not sharing myself with others. I kept it all to myself - nearly for 25 years. And I realized that was not the way to go.. So I try to share myself as much as possible and kind of give myself fully when I write. I picked this putting yourself into the posts beucase of emails that I wrote to my ex T. I had to do it because that was my way of getting therapy. Maybe I just am continuing it.

I understood that you were very interested in sex :-). Usually when we have problems in some area, that is when we develop lot of understanding about ourselves in that area. It makes sense that you have been frustrated in sex for a long time. Perhaps that is why you tried so many partners. Maybe it is time to stop trying out that and instead try to understand where your frustration is coming from really.

I am a serious person. You are right about that. I wish I were not so serious, but I am. Regarding other things like caring, commitment and dedication etc, I can be both ways. I have been very uncommited to my husband so I can't say I am dedicated and loyal. I think it depends on people - if I like someone or something, I am usually extremely committed and dedicated. Otherwise I am not.

 

Re: Trying to make peace and let go Ľ Tamar

Posted by pinkeye on June 6, 2005, at 15:46:29

In reply to Re: Trying to make peace and let go Ľ pinkeye, posted by Tamar on June 6, 2005, at 15:18:35

> I can imagine that differences in background would mean differences in the experience of transference. So maybe it's true that I'd be more likely to feel it like any other potential partner (and I've had more than average), whereas maybe people who haven't had so many partners might feel like it's more of a soul-mate kind of thing.

Yeah I think that plays a role in it. If I had slept with many men, maybe I would have just understood that it is no big deal.

>
> I think there are some other people on the board who have had fewer than the average number of sexual partners, and maybe they can identify with you. (Is that a reasonable way to describe numbers of partners without making people feel uncomfortable? In terms of averages? I don't want to characterise anyone as 'madonna' or 'wh*re'...)

:-) That is pretty funny. :-) I really think if I were not Indian, and I had been in the US, I would have had about or above average number of partners. But maybe not, I don't know. I am really not interested in sex with many people - only a couple of guys that I have met in my life time really. I imagine though that I could have casual friendly sex, but I don't know. I don't think so. IT takes lot of emotional commitment for me.

>
>

 

Re: Trying to make peace and let go Ľ pinkeye

Posted by Tamar on June 6, 2005, at 16:51:13

In reply to Re: Trying to make peace and let go Ľ Tamar, posted by pinkeye on June 6, 2005, at 15:42:22

> Thanks Tamar. I try to be very honest. For a long time in my life, I was not sharing myself with others. I kept it all to myself - nearly for 25 years. And I realized that was not the way to go.. So I try to share myself as much as possible and kind of give myself fully when I write. I picked this putting yourself into the posts beucase of emails that I wrote to my ex T. I had to do it because that was my way of getting therapy. Maybe I just am continuing it.

I think itís great. It takes a lot of courage to be honest.

> I understood that you were very interested in sex :-). Usually when we have problems in some area, that is when we develop lot of understanding about ourselves in that area. It makes sense that you have been frustrated in sex for a long time. Perhaps that is why you tried so many partners. Maybe it is time to stop trying out that and instead try to understand where your frustration is coming from really.

Oh absolutely. Iíve been married for nine years, so Iím no longer trying lots of partners Ė it just doesnít seem like a good idea! And Iíve been trying to understand it, and things are getting better, though itís slow progressÖ

> I am a serious person. You are right about that. I wish I were not so serious, but I am. Regarding other things like caring, commitment and dedication etc, I can be both ways. I have been very uncommited to my husband so I can't say I am dedicated and loyal. I think it depends on people - if I like someone or something, I am usually extremely committed and dedicated. Otherwise I am not.

I donít think thereís anything wrong with being serious. Itís nicer than being capricious, for example. And choosing when to be loyal and committed is very important; itís important to exercise good judgement. Maybe there are good reasons why you donít feel you have been committed to your husband, and maybe itís possible to change, especially in view of what you said in another post: that your husband is changing.

I think most people have different aspects to their personalities at different times. Sometimes Iím very silly; other times Iím serious when other people just want to be silly. I donít think we have to be consistent!

 

Re: Trying to make peace and let go Ľ Tamar

Posted by pinkeye on June 6, 2005, at 18:14:51

In reply to Re: Trying to make peace and let go Ľ pinkeye, posted by Tamar on June 6, 2005, at 16:51:13

> Oh absolutely. Iíve been married for nine years, so Iím no longer trying lots of partners Ė

LOL :-))

it just doesnít seem like a good idea! And Iíve been trying to understand it, and things are getting better, though itís slow progressÖ

ARe you frustrated because of it? Or are you happy enough but just want to make it better?

I don't like being serious.. I can actually be very happy and cheerful and outgoing if I put in a little bit of effort. And I did very well when I had my ex T continuosly supporting. Now I find it difficult to motivate me.

 

Re: Good. It Isn't Your Fault. Ľ Susan47

Posted by pinkeye on June 6, 2005, at 18:32:11

In reply to Good. It Isn't Your Fault. Ľ pinkeye, posted by Susan47 on June 6, 2005, at 15:01:43

This is so true.

I think I was ruminating so much for all these years, because underneath all that calm front that I had, there was intense agitation, and anxiety and tension, and not being able to live well. I think that intense burning problems deep in me wouldn't keep me from not ruminating.

I had suppressed the problems I had with my dad. I didn't acknowledge that his actions constituted in the end being moderate sexual abuse. And that I couldn't really think of anyone else as my husband and have a sexual relationship and that I felt like I was betraying my father deep down. And I never really grew up to be a woman and I was a child and expecting others to take care of me like a child. And life seemed empty and meaningless without a father figure and I kept looking for people who were not available to me really to fulfill that role. And all those intense fears, and anxiety and separation and hurt and shame were all burried deep inside.

Those were the reasons why I was boiling like a furnace with fire deep inside. But now I uncovered it (thanks to my T), I think I might be able to focus on outer world now. So far I almost felt like I had to find out why I am feeling so bad all the time. Really getting through each day was a struggle. And I didn't understand why. Why I seemed to understand everything yet suffered so much.

Maybe this time, I am ready to make peace. For real.

I think it is the same issue for you as well.

 

Re: Trying to make peace and let go Ľ pinkeye

Posted by Tamar on June 6, 2005, at 18:50:32

In reply to Re: Trying to make peace and let go Ľ Tamar, posted by pinkeye on June 6, 2005, at 18:14:51

> > Oh absolutely. Iíve been married for nine years, so Iím no longer trying lots of partners Ė
>
> LOL :-))
>
> > it just doesnít seem like a good idea! And Iíve been trying to understand it, and things are getting better, though itís slow progressÖ
>
> ARe you frustrated because of it? Or are you happy enough but just want to make it better?

Hmm... It has changed a lot over time. Many years ago, I was happy enough with the way things were, but I certainly didn't have the sort of sex life I really wanted. I just thought it wasn't possible for me to have a better experience. I used to think I should just accept that I almost never had an orgasm with a partner, and I thought I should try to enjoy sex regardless. But I experienced a lot of dissociation during sex, and I didn't actually realise that was happening (I'm a bit slow!).

So I've been working on trying to stay present during sex. However, staying present means dealing with some triggers. That can be frustrating. On the other hand, when I manage to handle the triggers and stay present it is actually extremely fulfilling.

> I don't like being serious.. I can actually be very happy and cheerful and outgoing if I put in a little bit of effort. And I did very well when I had my ex T continuosly supporting. Now I find it difficult to motivate me.

Oh yes. I didn't really think of serious as the opposite of happy and cheerful. I suppose I just meant you don't often seem to goof around. But of course you're going through a very hard time right now and maybe you don't feel like goofing around very often!

 

Re: Trying to make peace and let go Ľ Tamar

Posted by pinkeye on June 6, 2005, at 19:10:09

In reply to Re: Trying to make peace and let go Ľ pinkeye, posted by Tamar on June 6, 2005, at 18:50:32

> Hmm... It has changed a lot over time. Many years ago, I was happy enough with the way things were, but I certainly didn't have the sort of sex life I really wanted. I just thought it wasn't possible for me to have a better experience. I used to think I should just accept that I almost never had an orgasm with a partner, and I thought I should try to enjoy sex regardless. But I experienced a lot of dissociation during sex, and I didn't actually realise that was happening (I'm a bit slow!).
>
> So I've been working on trying to stay present during sex. However, staying present means dealing with some triggers. That can be frustrating. On the other hand, when I manage to handle the triggers and stay present it is actually extremely fulfilling.

I assume the triggers are because of the rape you went through?? I am not an expert in this subject, but my common sense tells me that you could potentially revert the damage done to you (if because of the rape), by associating more pleasant things with sex. (before, after, during etc - listening to songs or mild instrumental or pleasing music during sex even might be a good idea, I don't know.). Or you can see more romantic movies where there is plenty of nice and pleasant sexual scenes (stay away from the hardcore adult movies) and that might eventually sink in and take away the triggers. The way to counteract negative energy in anything is to supply adequate positive things.

Also fantasizing more might help you prepare mentally for orgasm. You can even try to fantasize explicit sexual scenes from beginning to end (with the ending you want :-)).

I am just throwing out ideas. I am sure you have thought of them already.

> > I don't like being serious.. I can actually be very happy and cheerful and outgoing if I put in a little bit of effort. And I did very well when I had my ex T continuosly supporting. Now I find it difficult to motivate me.
>
> Oh yes. I didn't really think of serious as the opposite of happy and cheerful. I suppose I just meant you don't often seem to goof around. But of course you're going through a very hard time right now and maybe you don't feel like goofing around very often!

Thanks. I don't fully understand what goofing is (english is my second language and I am not that proficient in it). But I take it as having fun - and yes, I am not in a mood to have too much fun these days. But I can have fun when I am in a better mood. But I don't flirt that much or talk about sex openly or joke about it - maybe because of the way I was brought up or my culture. That might seem like that to you also.

>
>


Go forward in thread:


Show another thread

URL of post in thread:


Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ


[dr. bob] Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD, bob@dr-bob.org

Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.